Saturday, March 29, 2014

Let my people GIF

This week's Sunday School lesson covers the first few chapters of Exodus--the birth of Moses, the burning bush, the parting of the Red Sea, all that stuff. Oh yeah, it also includes the plagues! Let's make those horrifying incidents more palatable through some Simpsons GIFs, shall we? And when I say I'm going to give you the plagues, I mean it--not like that time Mr. Burns gave Homer a demotivational plaQue

(Aside: People try really hard to make the World Wide Web perfect. Case in point--this site that compiles chronologically every pop culture reference from the entire run of The Office. But the Web is sadly lacking in easily findable (and shareable) clips and animated GIFs from Homer and Co. Clearly the denizens of the Internet are obsessive enough to make everything I could want available, so it's the copyright holders who are responsible for spoiling the fun. Which is their right, but it's also a bummer. So this post is not as animated (even though everything here comes from a cartoon) or as precise as I had hoped when I started Googling, but it should still be a good time.)

There have been several incarnations of Moses on the show. There's generic, in-Homer's-imagination Moses...


...there's baby Moses from a Flanders home movie...


...there's Veggie Tales parody Cucumber Moses (who asked mighty "Yamses" to let his pickles go)...


...even bobblehead Moses.


When the Springfielders did their own rendition of Bible stories, Milhouse got tabbed to portray the prophet (with Lisa as Miriam), making demands of Pharaoh-pal Skinner.



Each time the Lord was ready to send a new plague, He told Moses to "stretch forth thy hand with thine rod"...


No, not that Rod!


That's much better.

Ok, plague #1--turning the Nile to blood.


This Shining elevator spoof is one I really wish I could find an animated version of. From there, it's on to the frogs...


Again, this GIF--the best I could find--doesn't do justice to the swarms of bullfrogs that ravaged the Australian countryside, thanks to Bart. When in Rome, or Australia, or in Cairo, do as the Romans/Aussies/Egyptians do, right Homer?


The third plague--lice. Here's the monkey that gave Bart cooties, resulting in him scratching and wearing a burlap sack like this guy. Not pictured: the lice.



But Pharaoh still wouldn't play ball, so they got a plague of flies.




I know that last one is bees, not flies, but it shows an actual swarm, as well as how freaked out your average Egyptian probably was. But not Pharaoh. On to the fifth plague!



Like Troy McClure's killing floor ("don't let the name fool you") or Burns' "omninet," the Egyptians lost pretty much all of their animals. The few that survived (and their human owners) soon fell victim to plague #6...


Boils! This picture shows fake leprosy, but you get the idea. Next came a freaky storm full of hail and fire and who knows what else. It's too late to pray now, Homer!


Itchy and the military school bullies represent the Israelites here, unaffected by the storm while others suffer.



And this isn't actually related, but the mention of fire reminded me of the one-man plague, Hank Scorpio. Love this episode and this GIF.


I can't imagine what was left for them to eat at this point, but the eighth plague was locusts. There's a perfect GIF for this--Homer using locusts in his underground battle with respected private citizen George H.W. Bush--but nobody has made it yet. Get on that, Internet! Instead, we'll have to make do with these grasshoppers terrorizing a mob accountant voiced by Steve Carell.


Getting close to the end now. Plague #9 was three days of darkness, which could only be exemplified by C. Montgomery Burns at the height of his cartoonish supervillainy. "Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun..."



We've come to the final plague. And it's kind of a downer. Not that the others were pleasant or anything, but it's kind of hard to take a lighthearted look at the oldest child in every family dying. But hey--let's do it anyway! Much thanks to this blogger for having the entire sequence from a classic Halloween episode in one place.



Next time don't be so stubborn, Pharaoh!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better


Back in 2010, while serving as my ward's Sunday School President, I began announcing the upcoming Gospel Doctrine reading assignment by writing funny/weird/irreverent posts on the ward's Google Group. The connection to the curriculum was often highly tenuous, but I had fun writing them, and they did get at least a few people thinking about the scriptures during the week.

When I was released from that position, I moved the weekly Sunday School write-ups to this blog, where they now exist as my BASOTRUSSL posts: Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson. I've missed a few weeks here and there, but when we hit Isaiah in a few months I'll have written something about virtually all of the four-year cycle of Gospel Doctrine lessons.

In that time, my favorite thing I've written was in relation to the Old Testament prophet Daniel. It also involved the ancient patriarch Joseph, the subject of this Sunday's lesson, I proudly post it again here. Enjoy!

I have no idea what heaven is like. I can't really imagine it. When I think about it, I basically picture a lot of good people, just standing around and talking to each other.

Maybe Moses and Brigham Young like swapping tales of wilderness wandering. Maybe Nephi and Joseph Smith regale the masses with stories of their great physical strength. Maybe Abraham Lincoln and King
Benjamin give leadership seminars.

I can totally imagine Old Testament legends Daniel and Joseph engaging in a little one-upmanship like this:

Daniel: I was taken from the land of my fathers and brought into captivity in another land.

Joseph: Me too. I endured many hardships in my life, but the Lord always blessed me, and I continually rose to positions of prominence.

Daniel: Same here. I was given a new name by the king.

Joseph: As was I. What was your new name?

Daniel: Belteshazzar. You?

Joseph: Zaphnath-paaneah.

Daniel: Good luck with that.

Joseph: Well, I was once cast into a pit because my peers were jealous of me!

Daniel: Been there, done that. Except my pit had lions in it. What else ya got?

Joseph: God blessed me with the ability to interpret dreams. Doing so saved many lives, including my own!

Daniel: You're preaching to the choir. Ever hear of the stone cut without hands that filled the whole earth?

Joseph: That was you? Um...um....the story of my life was adapted into an elaborate Broadway musical, and the movie version starred Donny Osmond and that Jurassic Park guy.

Daniel: Dang! You win.

Yep, I'm sure that's exactly what heaven is like. If any of you out there are good at the whole dream interpretation thing, I had a doozy involving space monkeys, Wonder Bread and Willy Wonka a few years ago that still baffles me. Let me know.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Watch With Jeff: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

This Sunday we have the first of two Gospel Doctrine lessons centering on Joseph, the son of Jacob who was sold into Egypt. It's the perfect time for the latest installment of "Watch With Jeff!"

I first saw the 1999 movie version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in 2001, in my final mission area in Scotland. Sister Rattray was a sweet but quirky old woman who had the missionaries over for breakfast every Saturday morning. It would upset her if we ever skipped a week, but she also never spent any time with us--after placing the food before us, she'd leave to work on her bike or putter around her garden. So to pass the time, my companion and I would often watch something from her collection of church videos. One week, instead of choosing a more inspirational or doctrinally-sound selection, we popped Dreamcoat into the VCR--and I loved it. We watched it almost every Saturday until I went home a few months later, by which time I had the entire thing memorized.

It's going to be a bit tougher to Watch With Jeff this time; the only full version I can find on YouTube is split into 11 parts, and the audio isn't synced. If you want to watch that way, here's the link to part 1, and you'll see the later parts in the sidebar. I found the full video on a few other sites, but none that were embed-able. The time stamps below correspond with this version. If you've never seen this delightful musical before, it's worth the extra effort to check it out, and if you're already familiar with it, my commentary will hopefully enhance your experience. Let's watch!


0:32: I wonder how many of these kids wound up being extras in the Harry Potter movies? I think I see more than a few Hufflepuffs in this crowd.

3:06: By the time I left Scotland, I had a pretty big crush on Maria Friedman, who plays the narrator. It was probably due to a combination of her sassy personality, her blazer (which has a "Tina Fey's glasses" sort of appeal), and the teensy bit of exposed midriff, which conveyed a certain forbidden-to-a-missionary allure.

4:45: A decade ago, I was working as a production assistant on Marie Osmond's radio show. My youngest sister had a huge crush on Donny, and I asked Marie if she could get me an autographed picture of him to give to my sister on her birthday. She said she'd try, but what I ended up with a few weeks later was a signed photo of Marie, on which she had written, "Just picture Donny in drag." Which is basically what you get at times in Dreamcoat with Donny's long hair, eye makeup, and some of his costumes.

7:53: Ah, Sir Richard Attenborough. The ultimate Hollywood grandfather figure has played the father of the tribes of Israel, the father of velociraptors, and the father of Christmas.

11:50: "His astounding clothing took the biscuit." I loved this line, because our breakfast at Sister Rattray's often included biscuits for us to take, and sometimes they were Penguin Biscuits. Not only were they tasty, but they too were named after a creature with elaborate "clothing." Best of all, the wrappers had jokes on them!

15:10: The interactions between the narrator and the brothers are an underrated highlight of the movie. Good casting.


17:15: This song, this sequence, is the funniest of the movie, and probably my favorite part. The two best bits--the way the brothers shout "You hairy bunch of Ishmeelites," and...

17:58: ...when they headbutt the goat and tear its limbs off! We've already seen sheep and camels "walking" around, and they're hilarious too, but I love this part with the goat so much.

21:41: I'm a little unclear on the relationship of these women to the Israelites. Here, they mostly seem like they're the wives of the other brothers, but an earlier song mentioned how Jacob's "sons and his wives used to call him 'Dad.'" The relationship will become even murkier later in the movie.

24:48: I think, back then, most people referred to Potiphar as "the Egyptian Babe Ruth." #Pinstripes

25:55: I enjoy how the movie subtly, repeatedly encourages its viewers to study the Old Testament. Using Genesis 39 in a rhyme reminds me of the mnemonic devices we learned in seminary to help us remember the "scripture mastery" verses. It was "She's not mine, Genesis 39" for the verse in which Joseph says "How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?" (v. 9). Study your scriptures!


27:23: Scandalous! Joan Collins was a great choice for Mrs. Potiphar. Kudos again on the casting. The former Dynasty star had a bit of a career revival at the turn of the century (at least as far as it involved stuff that I'm interested in), appearing in this movie in '99, and in 2000 having her trashy persona lampooned on a great Simpsons episode (which helped earn her this Urban Dictionary entry).

29:23: Donny's too nice and goofy (see Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" video) to successfully pull off this serious song. His son Brandon was in my ward in Provo, and once Donny showed up at Brandon's place to drop off--unsolicited--a life-size poster of him as Gaston (from his other big Broadway role in Beauty and the Beast), which Brandon and his roommates displayed in their front room for a few months. Donny doesn't do serious.

34:26: Joseph wins at the end--the narrator knows because she's "read the book." Have you? I highly recommend it!

35:35: This baker really reminds me of Georgie Porgie from a previous installment of "Watch With Jeff."

36:51: I'm a big fan of the made-up word "buttle."


39:55: Confession time: I've never seen a stage production of Dreamcoat. So I don't know how the movie version differs. But I like the conceit employed here, of a school play where the students are not only watching but participating, and all of the main actors are teachers or administrators at the school. Except Joseph--the first time we see Donny, he's already in costume. Is he the school janitor? Some random vagrant who just showed up and started singing crazy songs, and they built a show around him?

41:59: My companion used to like to sing this line as "could be famous; could be a physicist." He knew the real words, but the new version is funnier.

45:00: This Pharaoh doesn't really do it for me. I have an audio cassette of the soundtrack, a recording of Donny with a different traveling Dreamcoat company, and that Pharaoh does a more direct Elvis impersonation, which seems appropriate for the character and the constant allusions to him as the King.


47:43: Joseph consults the scriptures to find out what he should do. So relevant to real life!

51:40: The narrator sings that "Egypt did not mind [Joseph's economic policies] a bit," but I wonder. This is getting more into the chapters covered in next week's lesson, but Joseph and Pharaoh gathered all the grain into central storehouses, then forced their subjects to give them their money, their cattle, their lands, and eventually themselves as slaves to buy their own corn back. If only his brothers, who once sang that "the things that [Joseph] stood for--like democracy!--never die," could see him now. (Spoiler alert: they will.)

55:58-57:40: Again, ambiguous roles for the Israelite women. The brothers seem really into this dancer, but so does Jacob. Whose wife is she? She can't be just some random harlot, she's been living and dancing with them since Joseph's "death" at least.

58:54: The sheep skeletons! You know how people on the Internet see something cute or funny or awesome and they say, "I can't even?" I find that trend particularly annoying, but if I didn't, I would totally say, "The sheep skeletons! I can't even."

64:28: Benjamin was basically the Justin Bieber of the Land of Canaan. Turn your life around before it's too late, Ben!


70:42: If you're wondering why they couldn't spring for real or even animatronic sheep/camels/etc., it's probably because they blew the entire props budget on Joseph's chariot. Look at that thing! It's so ostentatious, it apparently gave Jacob a heart attack.


75:23: Oh, I guess Donny is a teacher or something. All those cute kids are safe! Probably.

77:00: They all get identified at the beginning, but it's tough to keep most of the brothers straight throughout the movie. I'm not sure how they decided what Asher's personality should be like, but the faces he makes while dancing and the way he uses his girth to get laughs are brilliant. Well done, Martin Callaghan!

That's it! Thanks for watching. Now go read the Bible!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

F. Murray Abraham

This post's title is a combination of this Sunday's two big events--a Gospel Doctrine lesson on Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac, and the Academy Awards, where F. Murray won the Best Actor Oscar (for his role in Amadeus) in 1985. (Watch that clip, if nothing else to see Sam Waterston with dark hair. I thought McCoy was born with gray hair.)

To further the mashup, here are my Oscar picks, with all winners taken from the readings for the upcoming lesson. (You can see the actual nominees here.)

BEST PICTURE

This is clearly the best picture! For more information, click here.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Abraham, duh. He was the main character, plus he literally acted on every instruction he received from the Lord.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

No winner. Come on, people, this is the Bible--no women had leading roles! Just kidding (but only a little). Sarah wins here by default.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Isaac. He really nailed the emotion of a man who is torn between wanting to obey his father and not wanting to die. Better luck next year, Ishmael.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

The statue goes to Hagar, who once again must play second fiddle to Sarah.

DIRECTING

This one goes to the Lord Jehovah, the ultimate director. Existential question: who would God thank in an awards show acceptance speech?

WRITING--ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Moses. The first 17 lessons this year are from the books of Moses, so he kind of dominates this category.

WRITING--ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

The Book of Abraham, from The Pearl of Great Price. There is some controversy over the origins of this book, but one thing is for certain--the stories from chapter 1 about Abraham's near-death experience and the founding of Egypt are definitely not in the Old Testament.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Genesis 15. There's a lot of vivid imagery here, including Abraham beholding all the stars in heaven, and later beholding "an horror of great darkness" (verse 12).

COSTUME DESIGN

The priest of Elkenah, pictured above. Check out that sweet black ensemble with loincloth and shoulder strap.

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Your winner--foreskins! In Genesis 17, Abraham was circumcised--at age 99! Ouch! That would've greatly altered his reproduction design. (I know that's not the right category, but work with me here.)

VISUAL EFFECTS

The winner is...the angel of the Lord. In dramatic, movie fashion, he made not one but two last-minute saves. Abraham and Isaac were both bound on the respective altars before the angel showed up.

SOUND MIXING

The ram. He was caught in a thicket by his horns. What's that? You say his horns weren't the kind of horns that make sound? Eh, it was a weak category this year.

MUSIC--ORIGINAL SCORE

The Oscar goes to--John Williams?! Man, that guy has been around forever.

That's it. See you on the red carpet!