Secret Admirer 2: Secret Santa

[To briefly recap, back in the fall of 2003 I started getting flirtatious emails from someone who identified herself as "Maybelline Buttacup," or May B. for short. When it became clear she wasn't going to reveal her true identity, I largely lost interest, but as Christmas approached I decided to take one last crack at figuring out who May really was (see my last post for more detailed background information).

On Christmas Eve, I emailed the following adaptation of Clement Moore's classic "A Visit From St. Nicholas." Enjoy!]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and here in Provo
There's a guy named Jeff Hofmann who wanted to know
The identity of his cyber friend May.
He hoped that she'd tell without any delay.
"I'm the lint in your belly button," she said,
And other strange things that just messed with his head.
May's gift for poetry made Jeff want to clap--
It's not surprising he fell into her trap.
He tried to get down to the heart of the matter
But she strung him along--nearly made his heart shatter.

Each day to his inbox he flew like a flash
But the emails and his curiosity clashed.
Though using a pseudonym is May's MO,
Just who is she really? Jeff just had to know.
His life would be filled with extra Christmas cheer
If she would just make her true identity clear.
Jeff thought of May constantly; it made his heart sick.
He had to, just had to, hook up with this chick.
He had to know more about her than her name.
Sure the emails were nice, but it's just not the same.

How he'd love to speak face to face with this vixen
Or to have their lips to each other affixin'.
He just wanted some contact whether big or small;
That's not really too much to ask, after all.

Is May being sincere, or is it all a lie?
Does she really have true feelings for this guy?
For deep down inside Jeff was certain she knew
It takes more than emails to successfully woo.
Jeff tried to find out who she was--like a sleuth--
But despite his best efforts May stayed aloof.
She'd drawn in his heart but for true love to be found
She'd have to stop teasing him, stop fooling around.

Into her messages much effort had been put
But without something more the whole point would be moot
Jeff got on his PC, and he tried to hack
But May's online alias was too hard to crack.
Her eyes--do they twinkle? Are her dimples merry?
Are her cheeks like roses, her nose like a cherry?
It made Jeff upset that he just didn't know.
It made him confused and made his frustration grow.

If things didn't change then his feelings he'd sheath
Like his junior high crush on actress Yasmine Bleeth.
"But if," Jeff thought, "if May decided to tell me
Or visit me how my legs would turn to jelly."
Jeff could put all the emails away on the shelf
If he could be with the writer--May B. herself!
All of the notes have been repeatedly read
And now Jeff just wants to be with May instead.

As I start this last stanza my face wears a smirk
'Cause I'm confident that this last poem will work.
I know you like me; in your emails it shows
But now I want more than poetry and prose.
I've told you my feelings; now I hope that this'll
Get you to stand with me 'neath toe made of mistle.*
Now it's up to you; make the next move and we might
Have a future that could be both merry and bright!

* I'm normally not one for hyperbole, but that's probably the greatest couplet in the history of poetry.

[A pretty clever ultimatum, eh? After the first four lines, all of the end rhymes match the original (well, there's two that are a little slanty) and I was able to use some of Mr. Moore's imagery and adhere very closely to his cadence. It's, in my opinion, one of the more impressive pieces I've ever written--which is saying something, because I think pretty much everything I write is great.

Apparently May didn't agree, though...I never heard from her again. As I said in my last post, I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but it won't bother me if she never comes clean.

Merry Christmas everyone!]