We Prank Thee O God For A Prophet

No Sunday School post this week, because there's no Sunday School--it's time for General Conference!

This Sunday also happens to be April Fool's Day. Conference also fell on April Fool's in 2001, while I was a missionary in Scotland. The bishop of the ward I was serving in played a pretty good prank on his first counselor, pretending that the only signal they could pick up on the satellite was the German language feed. The counselor spoke German--or at least had on his mission, 20 years earlier, and was now quite rusty--but he went up to the microphone, ready to attempt to translate the sermons. At the last moment, the bishop switched over to the English feed. Not a bad prank.

Earlier this week, I asked some friends which of the prophets or apostles would be most likely to prank the world during a conference. We all agreed that none of them ever would, but maybe, just maybe, we could see President Monson or President Uchtdorf winding us up. I actually think Elder Perry would be the most likely candidate, personality-wise, but the members of the First Presidency would definitely have the most and the best opportunities.

For example...what if Pres. Uchtdorf was conducting the sustaining of church officers (this will actually happen on Saturday, March 31, but work with me), and at the end he makes the usual "as far as I can tell, the voting has been unanimous" comment, but then gets interrupted by a voice from the audience, someone insisting that their opposing vote was noted.

That would be a crazy prank, right? Well, it actually happened. And not that long ago, either. Check it out here (you'll need to read or at least scroll all the way to the end). Isn't that weird? I saw something similar to this take place at a stake conference once, but never at General Conference. If any of my blog readers are old enough to remember this 1977 conference session, let me know.

If you think of any ideas for hilarious GC pranks that will never happen, share them in the comments. Pranks aside, I'll be watching as much of the conference as I can. I'll likely be tweeting any funny or weird observations I make, but overall I'll actually be taking it quite seriously. If you're unfamiliar with LDS General Conference and want to know why I think it's important, feel free to ask that in the comments too.

Jump-serving in the vineyard

The BYU basketball team fizzled out of the NCAA Tournament pretty quickly. And it's still a week or so until the Major League Baseball season gets underway. Sure, I still have the Jazz and the rest of the NBA, but clearly that's not enough for a fan like me. What could possible fill this short-term void?

How about...BYU men's volleyball! I recently attended a match in Provo with my friends Bryan and Wendy--my first time at the old Smith Fieldhouse in about five years. Back in the day I used to go to all the volleyball games. In 1999, my freshman year, the Ryan Millar-Ossie Antonetti-Rich Lambourne-Hector Lebron juggernaut led the Cougars to their first-ever national title. Going to those games was amazing.

I was on my mission when they won it all again in 2001. But in the six years I spent in Provo after returning home, I spent many a Friday or Saturday evening crammed into the Fieldhouse watching greats like Jeremiah Larsen, Luka Slabe, the legendary Carlos Moreno, and of course Victor "Bonesaw" Batista (no idea how that nickname was earned, but it sure was fun to shout) dominate the opposition, nabbing another national championship along the way (in 2004).

I've seen this year's iteration a few times on TV, and the team is very impressive. They're legitimate contenders to win another NCAA crown. But volleyball is definitely a sport that's more fun to see in person. Here are a few observations from the match I attended.

--I was there the night Cougar star Futi Tavana broke the school record for career blocks in the rally score era. The man is amazing.

--Speaking of rally scoring...I hate it. Part of what made the '99 season so exhilirating was that it was played under classic, play-to-15, only-score-on-your-serve rules. The NCAA switched to rally scoring in 2001, and while matches probably go much faster now, the potential for great drama has been significantly reduced. It bothers me that a game or even a match can end on a service error. In the "old days," if you fell behind 11-4 you still had a chance to come back. Big comebacks are almost impossible with rally scoring.

--While we're on the subject of things that aren't as good as they used to be...I was listening to one of the songs that got heavy play during timeouts and intermissions, and thought to myself, "did somebody put words to the old NBA on NBC theme?" Somebody did. And it's awful. Thanks for ruining one of my favorite childhood tunes, Nelly.

--I got a little program that included a photo roster of BYU's team. Two pictures stood out. First, we have Ryan Boyce. Yep, he's got a sweet 'stache. He didn't play in the match, but I spotted him on the sideline. He has more of a receding hairline than that picture indicates, and while 6'1" is tall to most people it's tiny in the volleyball world, so he looked like an old man that had stolen some warmups and snuck onto the sideline.

After recovering from the surprise of seeing Boyce, I continued scanning the pictures until this one stopped me in my tracks. My first thought was "he doesn't look like a volleyball player." Then I thought, "those sideburns don't look BYU-approved." But mostly, I just thought "what the heck is up with those glasses?" It turned out to be Giuseppe Vinci, an experienced assistant coach who I'm sure is an asset to the program. But I have no idea why he was pictured with the players, before the head coach. And I really have no idea what the deal is with the blue frames.

--BYU cruised to an easy straight-set victory, so the only real drama of the night came during the long intermission between games 2 and 3. The blimp was making its rounds, dropping coupons on the rabble below, when it lost power or something and literally crashed into the crowd. I was one section over from where it happened, so I was unable to help push it back into the air, or to rip the remaining coupons off of the dirigible as one enterprising young man did. All  could do was yell out "oh, the humanity!" I'm sure I wasn't the only one in the building who went Hindenburg, but it still got a good laugh from my friends.

That's about it...just some interesting observations I had, so I figured I'd share 'em. That reminds me...Sherem was the name of the first non-Lamanite villain in the Book of Mormon. Read about him as part of your preparation for this week's Sunday School lesson. Ok, ok, that may have been the worst segue ever. I admit it. It stunk. Like dung. But you know something? Dung helps olive trees to grow and thrive. Which is something else you'll read about as you get ready for class this week. Those who "serve" as teachers would really "dig" it if they saw a "spike" in the number of class members who came to class having read the scripture "block." All right, I'll stop now.

Mine errands

Here's a list of some of the things I've done this week that have prevented me from devoting time to the ol' blog this week:

--watching BYU pull off the greatest comeback in NCAA Tournament history to advance past the "first round" to the actual tournament

--watching BYU fail to come back from a big deficit in the round of 64 of said tournament

--filling out 21 (yep, 21) March Madness brackets

--watching as much basketball as I can as 18 of the 21 brackets were busted beyond repair by the end of the first day

--two days of mandatory work training (I don't blog while I'm working, but I usually have a 10-second commute and shower on my lunch break. This time I had a 15-minute commute each way and had to shower before I left. It adds up. Don't know how you regular folks do that every day.)

--hosting a "Pi Day" dinner group consisting of multiple pizza and dessert pies

So it's been a fun but busy week. As a result, I don't have any interesting angles or insights related to the upcoming Sunday School lesson (which covers some of Jacob's teachings to his people, thereby fulfilling his "errand from the Lord). This is potentially a problem, because I'm teaching Gospel Doctrine this Sunday. Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself away from basketball enough this weekend to be adequately prepared, but just in case, read the chapters. And come to my class and make lots of comments. 'Preciate it.

Spring forward

I had an amazing idea for this week's BASOTRUSSL*, but I've been really busy this week and was planning to write it between 2 and 3 AM Sunday morning. But now I just realized that that hour will not exist. So instead you just get this:

Jokes.com
Paul F. Tompkins - Daylight Saving Time
comedians.comedycentral.com
Paul F. Tompkins Comedians Stand-Up

After you're done watching, dig into the reading for this week's Sunday School class. 2 Nephi 31:20-21 includes the words "forward," "brightness," and "saved." Are those verses referring to the anachronistic clock-switching practice that is Daylight Savings Time, or something else entirely? Only one way to find out. And you'd better start soon--you have one less hour than usual to prepare for the lesson.

*Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson. I post a new BASOTRUSSL every week.

Dancing days are here again

A couple weeks ago the auditions for the upcoming season of one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance (dance, dance...), rolled through Salt Lake City. I'm too old to try out for the show (I'm sure that's the only thing keeping me from making it as a contestant), but luckily there's no age limit for audition audience members. Also luckily, there were no nondisclosure forms or anything like that involved, so I can tell everyone what I saw without breaking any rules.

My brother and sisters attended last year's auditions and warned me it was actually quite boring, plus the last time I attended any SYTYCD event in person I fainted and nearly crushed my friend Gaby. But those concerns aside, I was confident I'd enjoy myself, if nothing else because I was attending with my friends Amy, Jo and Ashley, all fans of the show and fun people to hang out with.

My ultimate goal was to see Cat Deeley, the foxy blonde on the right of the above photo and my favorite TV personality. I knew it would be tricky, since she's usually out in the hallways interviewing the dancers before and after their auditions rather than in the auditorium, but I was determined. After a surprisingly short amount of time waiting in line outside the theater, we were ushered in. Alas, the lower section was already full, so we were sent to sit up in the mezzanine. We could still see the stage just fine, but we couldn't see the judges (Mary and Nigel, pictured above, plus Adam Shankman, the producer of the Step Up franchise) unless we stood up and leaned over the railing.

The initial auditions had happened over the previous two days, where would-be dancers performed for lower-level producers, hoping to get a callback to dance in front of the TV judges. Those chosen to come back were brought out onto the stage in groups of ten. They'd line up, five on each side, and one at a time they'd prance out to center stage and give it their all until Nigel called "next dancer." There was a little of everything: contemporary, ballet, hip-hop, ballroom, breakers, African, Latin, and of course a couple of goofballs--the ones that make it on the show as the "bad auditions."

After all ten acts had had their chance, Nigel would call for everyone to dance, and they'd crowd into the middle, trying to get the judges' attention and approval. It reminded me of a Mormon dance with better talent--one person at a time dancing into the middle of the circle and showing off, with only brief stretches of everyone dancing at the same time. Each group of ten danced to the same Chris Brown song, and amazingly I never got sick of it, even though it was an extended version and I heard it about a dozen times.

(While I'm thinking about it, I'm going to take a second and--shocking, I know--stick up for Chris Brown. Or, at least stick up for his right to work. It's impossible to stick up for what he did to Rihanna; that was indefensible. But after his performances last month at the Grammys and during halftime of the NBA All Star Game, I saw comments from many of Facebook, Twitter and elsewhere that it was "unforgiveable" that he was allowed to perform.

I believe we have a moral obligation to forgive others, but leaving that aside...even if you refuse to forgive his heinous actions, shouldn't he still be allowed to earn a living? Is it because it's only been three years? How long until it's "ok" for him to perform on TV? Or is it because of his chosen profession--that if he became a plumber or a fast food cook or a security guard or something, that would be acceptable, but he can't be a rich and famous entertainer? The implication with that argument is that the occupation "celebrity" is inherently better than those other jobs, but that's simply not true.

Chris Brown has given little or no indication that he's changed for the better since the incident three years ago, and if I were producing a show like the Grammys I would certainly think twice before inviting him to perform,  but banning someone from earning a living because they're a "bad person" is unjust. If I'm overlooking some aspect of this, please let me know in the comments. Putting my soapbox away now...)

After each group of ten had finished, the dancers would line up, and Nigel would call the numbers of those who would be invited back. One group had seven go through, one zero, but overall about one-third made it through this round. One of the girls who made it was the daughter of "the real Ringo Starr." If you watched the show last year, you know who I'm talking about. We saw an old man in the lobby wearing a pink, Sgt. Pepper-style uniform, and I'm assuming that was "Ringo" himself. So when the Salt Lake audition episode airs, brace yourselves for at least one excruciating segment. (Update: found the video from last season. Watch if you dare.)

Once all the groups were done, the solo auditions began. This part was actually pretty boring; there was an afternoon session as well, and that's probably all they got to see. I'm glad I was there in the morning for the group dances. Nigel would ask each contestant a bunch of questions about what they do for a living, how long they've been dancing, etc. Then they'd dance, and then all three judges would give their critique. Most of their comments were much longer than what they show on TV. Each solo-er was onstage for six or seven minutes, with only about 90 seconds of dancing.

We saw about ten solos, including one girl with dyed-red hair who was the first one we saw in the group stage. She's from South Ogden, is only 18, and was really impressive. I thought they'd put her straight through "to Vegas" (the next level of the competition), but they asked her to stay for the choreography round that night (basically a last chance for dancers the judges are on the fence about). I hope she made it through.

Two guys got tickets to Vegas. One was the last guy cut before the finalists were announced two seasons ago, and one was a gymnast who had only been dancing for two years. They brought his grandma up to the judges' table to watch his audition, and when that happens you know they aren't saying no. A few others made it to choreography, and a few were sent home. Then they broke for lunch, and it was time for us to go home as well.

As we exited the auditorium, I finally got my wish: Jo pointed out that my favorite Brummie was on the balcony above taping an interview. I waved at Cat, but she didn't wave back. But it was still worth it. And I'm sure our paths will cross again someday. So I think I can dream (dream, dream...)

Hunger Games

Yesterday, I bought tickets to a private screening of Hunger Games my work will be hosting later this month. It will be the first time I've seen a movie in a theater since a similar work screening for the first Harry Potter Deathly Hallows movie in late 2010. That's right, I avoided the theater completely in 2011. It wasn't something I did intentionally; mostly, I was just too busy watching TV.

After buying the tickets, I was disappointed to discover that the movie is not a dramatization of the exciting world of competitive eating, as I had assumed from the title. Oh well, I'm sure it will still be one of the best movies I've seen in years.

Fortunately for me, there are plenty of food-based events around this time of year. For example:

--Last Tuesday was Pancake Day at IHOP, the one day each year where they give away free pancakes. They were quite good.

--On Leap Day a number of eateries had free food promotions, including Subway's offer of a free cookie with any purchase. The abundance of free food is likely what Jack was referring to when he said "you know how [Mormons] are about Leap Day" on last week's 30 Rock.

--Just around the corner is March 14th, or Pi(e) Day! My circumference will likely increase after all the pizza and dessert pastries I'll consume that day.

--And March Madness starts the very next day! I usually take the first two days of the tournament off of work and watch hours and hours of basketball, constantly grazing on snacks, taking a break only to get something more substantial like pizza or a Chik-fil-A nugget platter.

--Hopefully I'll save some room after all that for some corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day, not to mention all the non-Irish foods dyed green for the occasion.

--Rounding out the month (and my belly), March 28th is "Something on a Stick Day." Seriously. One of my life's mottos is "All food tastes better when eaten on a toothpick." And a stick is nothing more than a giant toothpick. You'd better believe I'll be celebrating this one.

So, yeah, I like food a lot, and I like a lot of food. So I always feel a little weird when I read in the scriptures that "eat, drink, and be merry" is a sinful philosophy. This week's Sunday School lesson covers this topic, among others. (It also includes another verse that makes me uneasy: "priestcrafts are that men...set themselves up...that they may get gain and praise of the world" (2 Ne. 26:29). That's basically what this blog is, a way for me to get gain and praise of the world. Well, mostly praise. I don't ask my readers for money. Though maybe...) So study up, and we can help each other learn more about these principles.

Something else for y'all to chew on: later in the same scripture block, the Millenium is described as a time when wolves and lambs will lie down together, when lions will eat straw, when young children will play safely near the den of a cockatrice (which is basically a basilisk, a creature I remember well since, again, I haven't seen a movie in theaters since HP 7.1, aka Nagini's Suppertime). If you think about it...if even the lion can't eat meat in those days, what chance do we humans have? Though I certainly don't know for sure, it seems likely that man will be stuck with a vegetarian diet at that point. In the meantime, though, I'm going to eat, drink, and be Mary. In other words, I'm going to "have a little lamb."

Hoffmann of the Month: March

The "Hoffmann of the Month" for March is...Hoffman's Playland!

You probably thought the Hoffmann of the Month would always be a person. Well, you thought wrong. As Spring approaches and we (hopefully) soon see the return of warm weather, I'm proud to honor this upstate New York amusement park. Checking out the website and a few YouTube videos, it seems to be one part Lagoon and two parts Babes In Toyland. In other words, it seems to be awesome!

In addition to all the rides and the arcade and the gift shop and the birthday parties, Hoffman's has its own, onsite Subway! But I'm more interested in trying their "fabulous fried dough."

I thought this was a good time to honor the Playland, because yesterday interviews began to hire this summer's crop of park employees. That's right, even as we speak, management is determining which 16- and 17-year-olds will be responsible for making sure your children are properly strapped in to the Jolly Caterpillar, the Tilt A Whirl, and the Red Baron. Don't worry though--they may be young, but I'm sure they're properly trained.

If you haven't already, click that first link and hit "PLAY JINGLE." It's the catchiest song you'll hear all month.

Here's the place
Where a happy face
Is as natural as can be


The carousel
Spins a magic spell
Makin' family memories


Have a holiday (holiday)
Feelin' good
Feelin' free


Hoffman's Playland (Hoffman's Playland)
Hoffman's Playland (Hoffman's Playland), the family place to be!

Congratulations, Hoffman's Playland!