Watch With Jeff: Babes In Toyland

Back in September, I promised to do a running diary of the '90s Mormon pioneer movie Legacy, if I ever found an easily accessible version online. Well, I found one. So look for that post coming soon. But not today. Today I'm going to do a running diary of the best bad Christmas movie of all time, the 1986 made-for-TV version of Babes In Toyland. I'm assuming that these two posts will be awesome and that this can become a regular feature, so I'm giving them the title "Watch With Jeff." Enjoy!


0:19: The credits begin--and check out this cast! 11-year-old Drew Barrymore, four years post-E.T. Keanu Reeves, three years pre-Bill & Ted (and 27 years before his new heartwarming family tale, 47 Ronin--in theaters Christmas Day!). Pat Morita, riding high off of his Oscar nomination for Karate Kid the year before. This is going to be great!

2:23: My mom totally had that cookbook. Everyone did. I think it was included in the startup kit you were issued when you moved to suburbia, along with the red Fisher Price car with the yellow roof, and Chicago's Greatest Hits 1982-1989.

2:33: The big names in the credits likely drew most of your attention, but there's a solid supporting cast as well. We'll shout them out as they appear. Here's Jill Schoelen, who didn't have as successful a career as some of her co-stars, but she was engaged to Brad Pitt.

2:42: And here's Eileen Brennan, likely best known to my generation as Mrs. Peacock in Clue. Alas, she passed away last summer.

3:29: "You're a rat." And you're a bad actor. In case you can't tell, Drew, er, I mean, Lisa, is overly mature for her age and doesn't want to be viewed as a kid. This is important.

5:28: Keanu!

6:48: The late, great Richard Mulligan, star of Empty Nest and Neil Diamond's fever dreams. He seems to be riffing throughout the movie, meaning he either never bothered to read the script, or he was drunk/high during filming. Or all of the above.

8:50: Another recurring subplot--Lisa, ostensibly the "good guy," can be quite bratty and meddlesome. Love that old school PA system, though.

9:10: Why don't any of the customers get bags for their purchases? And WHY is that metal door pulled halfway down? I'm guessing that was a production mistake, but Mulligan refused to do a second take.

10:49: This movie is already off to a great start, and now--it's becoming a musical! This song (highlighting the awesomeness that is Cincinnati, probably my favorite recurring theme) is probably the movie's best, so good that they'll sing it again before all is said and done.

12:55: The hapless police bears are probably my favorite of all the citizens of Toyland. I have a lot of favorites.

13:32: "Mary, I really do like the sled, but look--it has wedding cake all over it, I can't possibly use it now!"

14:24: Didn't mention him before, but here's Googy Gress. He's had a long but nondescript acting career, though he did appear in an episode of the great show Pushing Daisies. If this running diary goes viral, maybe enough people will know this movie that I can wear that delightful high-waisted brown ensemble next Halloween. He also has my dream job--chief taster at a cookie factory.

15:17: "He rolls his house right down the street and knocks people over." What?! How can you do that with a house? How does it roll back into place? Sadly, they never show this act of pure villainy.

17:48: Nice job there by Lisa, equating beauty with goodness. Great message for the kids.

18:35: The justice of the peace is rockin' a pretty sweet beard. He would've fit right in with the early LDS apostles.

22:13: Lisa has saved the day! And now she gets her own song from Georgie Porgie, who is already seemingly obsessed with her. Don't worry, their interactions will get much creepier before the movie is over.

22:38: "Let's hear it for the folks who love freedom!" This is--yep, you guessed it--my favorite lyric from this song.

24:10: The bowling ball is surprisingly spacious inside.

25:53: If the bakers carrying the wedding cake had also been on roller skates, they probably could've gotten out of the way before Lisa crashed into it. Just sayin'.

27:30: That's a pretty terrible swing. That goon would never be able to play for the Reds if he ever made it to the greatest city in the world, Cincinnati.

30:24: At least Lisa doesn't want to deny Barnaby the right to get married altogether (a very timely issue). Apparently Mary is okay with Barnaby becoming her stepfather?

31:18: The consequences of Toyland's lax drivers licensing requirements will have consequences later on. #Foreshadowing

32:07: Jack: What do you say to a big kiss?
           Mary: Hello, big kiss!
           Now that is great writing. What's it doing in this movie?

34:51: Can't wait for the L&O spinoff, Law & Order: Grand Cookie Larceny Division.

36:04: When asked if anyone has ever told him about Cincinnati, Justice Grimm speaks for all of us when he asks "Why should they?" Quit cramming Cincinnati down our throats, Cincy-whatsky!

36:39: By far the most ironically funny moment of the movie--the glorifying of Pete Rose (this won't be the last time he's mentioned). Less than a year before this movie was filmed, he became baseball's all-time hit king; less than three years later, he was banned from baseball for life for betting on games.

39:35: Told ya! We finally get to see Mr. Miyagi, and the first thing he does is talk about Pete Rose.

40:00: "Now she can see, and dance, and smile," and creep kids out. Seriously, pretty much every toy in that workshop could cause nightmares.

41:00: For some reason, I'm ok with that Trollog having an al-seeing eye, but I just can't accept that it has the ability to zoom in and out.

45:50: Thank goodness--another song! It had been way too long. Here, we learn that Barnaby's "monsterpiece" involves not only controlling Toyland, but full-on world domination.

50:08: This whole scene is weird--weren't Mary and Lisa just at the cookie factory? Why aren't they concerned that Jack is missing? Why are Lisa and Barnaby pretending to be civil to each other, and why is Barnaby doing a legitimately nice thing like bringing flowers?

51:40: "He's come back for me! Oh no, it's only fatty." This might be the harshest weight joke at Georgie's expense yet, and that includes being called a great, fat lump by Barnaby, and Jack telling him they could cut three heroes out of him.

53:21: Can't decide if "it's time I did something besides cry" or "hold me, just hold me" were Ms. Schoelen's most blatant attempts at being a serious actress and giving her character depth. Keep trying, Mary Contrary.

55:26: That prancing, flapping Trollog is pretty creepy, but still less unnerving than most of the toys lining the walls of the workshop.

58:09: Oh great. Now Ralphie won't even be able to ask for a set of brushes for Christmas without getting a chorus of "you'll paint your eye out!"

59:30: Fighting evil is a job for the young, not the old, and certainly not the job of law enforcement. Lazy police bears. Can't even put on a pair of pants!

1:00:04: That's a pretty intricate trapdoor network Barnaby has there beneath the bowling ball.

1:02:39: So, are we supposed to take from this that the air quality is so bad in Cincinnati, that its citizens develop immunity to all airborne toxins, even the ones that turn people into trolls? Wait, can't think about that right now, they're singing the awesome Cincinnati song again...

1:03:42: ...and it worked! They've all regained their humanity, thanks to the amazing curative powers of Cincinnati!

1:05:09: Keanu may have been 13 years away from realizing he knew kung fu, but he still has a pretty wicked left cross.

1:09:43: I know I've said this so much that it's lost most of its meaning, but this is the beginning of my favorite scene in the movie--arguably the greatest car chase in cinematic history.

1:11:40: Run those last few seconds back again...did you notice that the cars passed each other, and then crashed? I love this movie so much.

1:14:02: Admit it, you were worried we were going to reach the end of the movie without Mr. Miyagi singing. Well your fears were unfounded--everybody gets a song. This seems like a good time to point out that Pat Morita's IMDb page lists eight credits from 2006 on, even though he died in 2005. Chris Farley and Tupac ain't got nothin' on him.

1:17:39: Boy, do those police bears deserve to be fired. But we can't do anything--the Toyland unions are too powerful.

1:18:50: It's weird enough that that lion is wearing an Andre Tippett jersey...but what happened to the Cincinnati love? Why wasn't he in a Tim Krumrie jersey? Though I guess it would be a bit odd for a lion to be dressed as a Bengal tiger.

1:22:16: Police bear, to other police bear: "Uh oh, our supervisor is watching--look busy! Help me lift the latch on this gate."

1:23:52: "Jack not be nimble--Jack be dead!" It was still undecided until this point, but I think we can all now agree unequivocally that Barnaby is the best villain of all time.

1:28:40: Almost unlimited power...I wonder what the Toymaster won't let Justice Grimm do?

1:29:59: Time to get awkward...Georgie's just a little too worked up about Lisa's departure, if you ask me...

1:31:35: ...and Lisa apparently feels the same way. Had she remained in Toyland, I can easily imagine a scenario where things go too far, and the police bears come to take Georgie away. "It's not my fault! She kept saying 'I'm not a child!' You've got to believe me!"

1:32:16: It's in Drew Barrymore's contract that every one of her movies include a shot of something flying in front of the moon. Go ahead, try me. Rewatch Charlie's Angels and Never Been Kissed and tell me I'm wrong.

And that's it. Thanks for joining me on this metaphorical sled ride smack dab into a giant wedding cake. May I wish you the happiest Christmas anyone ever knew!