Let my people GIF

This week's Sunday School lesson covers the first few chapters of Exodus--the birth of Moses, the burning bush, the parting of the Red Sea, all that stuff. Oh yeah, it also includes the plagues! Let's make those horrifying incidents more palatable through some Simpsons GIFs, shall we? And when I say I'm going to give you the plagues, I mean it--not like that time Mr. Burns gave Homer a demotivational plaQue

(Aside: People try really hard to make the World Wide Web perfect. Case in point--this site that compiles chronologically every pop culture reference from the entire run of The Office. But the Web is sadly lacking in easily findable (and shareable) clips and animated GIFs from Homer and Co. Clearly the denizens of the Internet are obsessive enough to make everything I could want available, so it's the copyright holders who are responsible for spoiling the fun. Which is their right, but it's also a bummer. So this post is not as animated (even though everything here comes from a cartoon) or as precise as I had hoped when I started Googling, but it should still be a good time.)

There have been several incarnations of Moses on the show. There's generic, in-Homer's-imagination Moses...

...there's baby Moses from a Flanders home movie...

...there's Veggie Tales parody Cucumber Moses (who asked mighty "Yamses" to let his pickles go)...

...even bobblehead Moses.

When the Springfielders did their own rendition of Bible stories, Milhouse got tabbed to portray the prophet (with Lisa as Miriam), making demands of Pharaoh-pal Skinner.

Each time the Lord was ready to send a new plague, He told Moses to "stretch forth thy hand with thine rod"...

No, not that Rod!

That's much better.

Ok, plague #1--turning the Nile to blood.

This Shining elevator spoof is one I really wish I could find an animated version of. From there, it's on to the frogs...

Again, this GIF--the best I could find--doesn't do justice to the swarms of bullfrogs that ravaged the Australian countryside, thanks to Bart. When in Rome, or Australia, or in Cairo, do as the Romans/Aussies/Egyptians do, right Homer?

The third plague--lice. Here's the monkey that gave Bart cooties, resulting in him scratching and wearing a burlap sack like this guy. Not pictured: the lice.

But Pharaoh still wouldn't play ball, so they got a plague of flies.

I know that last one is bees, not flies, but it shows an actual swarm, as well as how freaked out your average Egyptian probably was. But not Pharaoh. On to the fifth plague!

Like Troy McClure's killing floor ("don't let the name fool you") or Burns' "omninet," the Egyptians lost pretty much all of their animals. The few that survived (and their human owners) soon fell victim to plague #6...

Boils! This picture shows fake leprosy, but you get the idea. Next came a freaky storm full of hail and fire and who knows what else. It's too late to pray now, Homer!

Itchy and the military school bullies represent the Israelites here, unaffected by the storm while others suffer.

And this isn't actually related, but the mention of fire reminded me of the one-man plague, Hank Scorpio. Love this episode and this GIF.

I can't imagine what was left for them to eat at this point, but the eighth plague was locusts. There's a perfect GIF for this--Homer using locusts in his underground battle with respected private citizen George H.W. Bush--but nobody has made it yet. Get on that, Internet! Instead, we'll have to make do with these grasshoppers terrorizing a mob accountant voiced by Steve Carell.

Getting close to the end now. Plague #9 was three days of darkness, which could only be exemplified by C. Montgomery Burns at the height of his cartoonish supervillainy. "Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun..."

We've come to the final plague. And it's kind of a downer. Not that the others were pleasant or anything, but it's kind of hard to take a lighthearted look at the oldest child in every family dying. But hey--let's do it anyway! Much thanks to this blogger for having the entire sequence from a classic Halloween episode in one place.

Next time don't be so stubborn, Pharaoh!

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

Back in 2010, while serving as my ward's Sunday School President, I began announcing the upcoming Gospel Doctrine reading assignment by writing funny/weird/irreverent posts on the ward's Google Group. The connection to the curriculum was often highly tenuous, but I had fun writing them, and they did get at least a few people thinking about the scriptures during the week.

When I was released from that position, I moved the weekly Sunday School write-ups to this blog, where they now exist as my BASOTRUSSL posts: Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson. I've missed a few weeks here and there, but when we hit Isaiah in a few months I'll have written something about virtually all of the four-year cycle of Gospel Doctrine lessons.

In that time, my favorite thing I've written was in relation to the Old Testament prophet Daniel. It also involved the ancient patriarch Joseph, the subject of this Sunday's lesson, I proudly post it again here. Enjoy!

I have no idea what heaven is like. I can't really imagine it. When I think about it, I basically picture a lot of good people, just standing around and talking to each other.

Maybe Moses and Brigham Young like swapping tales of wilderness wandering. Maybe Nephi and Joseph Smith regale the masses with stories of their great physical strength. Maybe Abraham Lincoln and King
Benjamin give leadership seminars.

I can totally imagine Old Testament legends Daniel and Joseph engaging in a little one-upmanship like this:

Daniel: I was taken from the land of my fathers and brought into captivity in another land.

Joseph: Me too. I endured many hardships in my life, but the Lord always blessed me, and I continually rose to positions of prominence.

Daniel: Same here. I was given a new name by the king.

Joseph: As was I. What was your new name?

Daniel: Belteshazzar. You?

Joseph: Zaphnath-paaneah.

Daniel: Good luck with that.

Joseph: Well, I was once cast into a pit because my peers were jealous of me!

Daniel: Been there, done that. Except my pit had lions in it. What else ya got?

Joseph: God blessed me with the ability to interpret dreams. Doing so saved many lives, including my own!

Daniel: You're preaching to the choir. Ever hear of the stone cut without hands that filled the whole earth?

Joseph: That was you? Um...um....the story of my life was adapted into an elaborate Broadway musical, and the movie version starred Donny Osmond and that Jurassic Park guy.

Daniel: Dang! You win.

Yep, I'm sure that's exactly what heaven is like. If any of you out there are good at the whole dream interpretation thing, I had a doozy involving space monkeys, Wonder Bread and Willy Wonka a few years ago that still baffles me. Let me know.

Watch With Jeff: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

This Sunday we have the first of two Gospel Doctrine lessons centering on Joseph, the son of Jacob who was sold into Egypt. It's the perfect time for the latest installment of "Watch With Jeff!"

I first saw the 1999 movie version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in 2001, in my final mission area in Scotland. Sister Rattray was a sweet but quirky old woman who had the missionaries over for breakfast every Saturday morning. It would upset her if we ever skipped a week, but she also never spent any time with us--after placing the food before us, she'd leave to work on her bike or putter around her garden. So to pass the time, my companion and I would often watch something from her collection of church videos. One week, instead of choosing a more inspirational or doctrinally-sound selection, we popped Dreamcoat into the VCR--and I loved it. We watched it almost every Saturday until I went home a few months later, by which time I had the entire thing memorized.

It's going to be a bit tougher to Watch With Jeff this time; the only full version I can find on YouTube is split into 11 parts, and the audio isn't synced. If you want to watch that way, here's the link to part 1, and you'll see the later parts in the sidebar. I found the full video on a few other sites, but none that were embed-able. The time stamps below correspond with this version. If you've never seen this delightful musical before, it's worth the extra effort to check it out, and if you're already familiar with it, my commentary will hopefully enhance your experience. Let's watch!

0:32: I wonder how many of these kids wound up being extras in the Harry Potter movies? I think I see more than a few Hufflepuffs in this crowd.

3:06: By the time I left Scotland, I had a pretty big crush on Maria Friedman, who plays the narrator. It was probably due to a combination of her sassy personality, her blazer (which has a "Tina Fey's glasses" sort of appeal), and the teensy bit of exposed midriff, which conveyed a certain forbidden-to-a-missionary allure.

4:45: A decade ago, I was working as a production assistant on Marie Osmond's radio show. My youngest sister had a huge crush on Donny, and I asked Marie if she could get me an autographed picture of him to give to my sister on her birthday. She said she'd try, but what I ended up with a few weeks later was a signed photo of Marie, on which she had written, "Just picture Donny in drag." Which is basically what you get at times in Dreamcoat with Donny's long hair, eye makeup, and some of his costumes.

7:53: Ah, Sir Richard Attenborough. The ultimate Hollywood grandfather figure has played the father of the tribes of Israel, the father of velociraptors, and the father of Christmas.

11:50: "His astounding clothing took the biscuit." I loved this line, because our breakfast at Sister Rattray's often included biscuits for us to take, and sometimes they were Penguin Biscuits. Not only were they tasty, but they too were named after a creature with elaborate "clothing." Best of all, the wrappers had jokes on them!

15:10: The interactions between the narrator and the brothers are an underrated highlight of the movie. Good casting.

17:15: This song, this sequence, is the funniest of the movie, and probably my favorite part. The two best bits--the way the brothers shout "You hairy bunch of Ishmeelites," and...

17:58: ...when they headbutt the goat and tear its limbs off! We've already seen sheep and camels "walking" around, and they're hilarious too, but I love this part with the goat so much.

21:41: I'm a little unclear on the relationship of these women to the Israelites. Here, they mostly seem like they're the wives of the other brothers, but an earlier song mentioned how Jacob's "sons and his wives used to call him 'Dad.'" The relationship will become even murkier later in the movie.

24:48: I think, back then, most people referred to Potiphar as "the Egyptian Babe Ruth." #Pinstripes

25:55: I enjoy how the movie subtly, repeatedly encourages its viewers to study the Old Testament. Using Genesis 39 in a rhyme reminds me of the mnemonic devices we learned in seminary to help us remember the "scripture mastery" verses. It was "She's not mine, Genesis 39" for the verse in which Joseph says "How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?" (v. 9). Study your scriptures!

27:23: Scandalous! Joan Collins was a great choice for Mrs. Potiphar. Kudos again on the casting. The former Dynasty star had a bit of a career revival at the turn of the century (at least as far as it involved stuff that I'm interested in), appearing in this movie in '99, and in 2000 having her trashy persona lampooned on a great Simpsons episode (which helped earn her this Urban Dictionary entry).

29:23: Donny's too nice and goofy (see Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" video) to successfully pull off this serious song. His son Brandon was in my ward in Provo, and once Donny showed up at Brandon's place to drop off--unsolicited--a life-size poster of him as Gaston (from his other big Broadway role in Beauty and the Beast), which Brandon and his roommates displayed in their front room for a few months. Donny doesn't do serious.

34:26: Joseph wins at the end--the narrator knows because she's "read the book." Have you? I highly recommend it!

35:35: This baker really reminds me of Georgie Porgie from a previous installment of "Watch With Jeff."

36:51: I'm a big fan of the made-up word "buttle."

39:55: Confession time: I've never seen a stage production of Dreamcoat. So I don't know how the movie version differs. But I like the conceit employed here, of a school play where the students are not only watching but participating, and all of the main actors are teachers or administrators at the school. Except Joseph--the first time we see Donny, he's already in costume. Is he the school janitor? Some random vagrant who just showed up and started singing crazy songs, and they built a show around him?

41:59: My companion used to like to sing this line as "could be famous; could be a physicist." He knew the real words, but the new version is funnier.

45:00: This Pharaoh doesn't really do it for me. I have an audio cassette of the soundtrack, a recording of Donny with a different traveling Dreamcoat company, and that Pharaoh does a more direct Elvis impersonation, which seems appropriate for the character and the constant allusions to him as the King.

47:43: Joseph consults the scriptures to find out what he should do. So relevant to real life!

51:40: The narrator sings that "Egypt did not mind [Joseph's economic policies] a bit," but I wonder. This is getting more into the chapters covered in next week's lesson, but Joseph and Pharaoh gathered all the grain into central storehouses, then forced their subjects to give them their money, their cattle, their lands, and eventually themselves as slaves to buy their own corn back. If only his brothers, who once sang that "the things that [Joseph] stood for--like democracy!--never die," could see him now. (Spoiler alert: they will.)

55:58-57:40: Again, ambiguous roles for the Israelite women. The brothers seem really into this dancer, but so does Jacob. Whose wife is she? She can't be just some random harlot, she's been living and dancing with them since Joseph's "death" at least.

58:54: The sheep skeletons! You know how people on the Internet see something cute or funny or awesome and they say, "I can't even?" I find that trend particularly annoying, but if I didn't, I would totally say, "The sheep skeletons! I can't even."

64:28: Benjamin was basically the Justin Bieber of the Land of Canaan. Turn your life around before it's too late, Ben!

70:42: If you're wondering why they couldn't spring for real or even animatronic sheep/camels/etc., it's probably because they blew the entire props budget on Joseph's chariot. Look at that thing! It's so ostentatious, it apparently gave Jacob a heart attack.

75:23: Oh, I guess Donny is a teacher or something. All those cute kids are safe! Probably.

77:00: They all get identified at the beginning, but it's tough to keep most of the brothers straight throughout the movie. I'm not sure how they decided what Asher's personality should be like, but the faces he makes while dancing and the way he uses his girth to get laughs are brilliant. Well done, Martin Callaghan!

That's it! Thanks for watching. Now go read the Bible!

F. Murray Abraham

This post's title is a combination of this Sunday's two big events--a Gospel Doctrine lesson on Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac, and the Academy Awards, where F. Murray won the Best Actor Oscar (for his role in Amadeus) in 1985. (Watch that clip, if nothing else to see Sam Waterston with dark hair. I thought McCoy was born with gray hair.)

To further the mashup, here are my Oscar picks, with all winners taken from the readings for the upcoming lesson. (You can see the actual nominees here.)

BEST PICTURE

This is clearly the best picture! For more information, click here.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Abraham, duh. He was the main character, plus he literally acted on every instruction he received from the Lord.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

No winner. Come on, people, this is the Bible--no women had leading roles! Just kidding (but only a little). Sarah wins here by default.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Isaac. He really nailed the emotion of a man who is torn between wanting to obey his father and not wanting to die. Better luck next year, Ishmael.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

The statue goes to Hagar, who once again must play second fiddle to Sarah.

DIRECTING

This one goes to the Lord Jehovah, the ultimate director. Existential question: who would God thank in an awards show acceptance speech?

WRITING--ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Moses. The first 17 lessons this year are from the books of Moses, so he kind of dominates this category.

WRITING--ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

The Book of Abraham, from The Pearl of Great Price. There is some controversy over the origins of this book, but one thing is for certain--the stories from chapter 1 about Abraham's near-death experience and the founding of Egypt are definitely not in the Old Testament.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Genesis 15. There's a lot of vivid imagery here, including Abraham beholding all the stars in heaven, and later beholding "an horror of great darkness" (verse 12).

COSTUME DESIGN

The priest of Elkenah, pictured above. Check out that sweet black ensemble with loincloth and shoulder strap.

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Your winner--foreskins! In Genesis 17, Abraham was circumcised--at age 99! Ouch! That would've greatly altered his reproduction design. (I know that's not the right category, but work with me here.)

VISUAL EFFECTS

The winner is...the angel of the Lord. In dramatic, movie fashion, he made not one but two last-minute saves. Abraham and Isaac were both bound on the respective altars before the angel showed up.

SOUND MIXING

The ram. He was caught in a thicket by his horns. What's that? You say his horns weren't the kind of horns that make sound? Eh, it was a weak category this year.

MUSIC--ORIGINAL SCORE

The Oscar goes to--John Williams?! Man, that guy has been around forever.

That's it. See you on the red carpet!

If only...

If only there had been more righteous people in Sodom and Gomorrah, the Lord wouldn't have destroyed it (see Gen. 18:23-33).

If only Lot's wife hadn't disobeyed, she wouldn't have been turned into a pillar of salt (see Gen. 19:26).

If only Lot's wife hadn't been turned into a pillar of salt, she and Lot may have had more sons that could've married their daughters. (Small dating pool back then, lots of people's family trees didn't branch much.)

If only Lot's daughters hadn't seen fire and brimstone destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, they might not have thought they and their father were the last survivors on Earth.

If only Lot's daughters hadn't thought they were the only ones who could repopulate the planet (I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here), they wouldn't have got their father drunk and slept with him.

If only Lot's daughters hadn't got their father drunk and slept with him, they wouldn't have given birth to sons (and later nations bearing the names of) Moab and Ammon (see Gen. 19:30-38).

If only Lot's older daughter hadn't given birth to Moab, the town I stopped in to eat a Wendy's chicken sandwich while on the way to New Mexico may have been given a different name.

And if only I wasn't spending the weekend in New Mexico with my parents, a dodgy Internet connection, and an even dodgier laptop, I might have come up with something a little more elaborate for my 200th post on this blog. Oh well.

There's not a lot of time left, but you can prepare here for Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.

I got you, Abe

It's Abraha-mania this weekend! Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson is on the Abrahamic covenant (the next several weeks will focus on Abraham, actually); Abraham Lincoln's birthday is responsible for bank closures and mattress sales on Monday; and Saturday is the 60th birthday of Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, including old coot Abraham Simpson, AKA "Grampa."

The three Abes have a surprising amount in common. Here's an impressive (though likely not exhaustive) list of their similarities. (I won't be sourcing the information I refer to below, but if you want scripture references, episode titles, etc., relating to any specific point, let me know in the comments.)

--All three had complex, if not outright troubled, marriages. Abraham got his wife to pretend to be his sister so Pharaoh wouldn't kill him; later that same wife encouraged him to father children with her maid, then got mad when he did. Lincoln's wife Mary Todd is well-known to have had mental health issues (though calling her "crazy," as many do, is probably unfair). Grampa's wife Mona ran away and became a fugitive from federal law when their son Homer was very young. Like the Old Testament patriarch, Grampa also fathered children with other women. Speaking of which...

--Each of the three had multiple children, but each has one son who is paid the most attention, for various reasons: Grampa's son Homer is the star of the show, and the only child he had with his wife; Lincoln had four sons, but only Robert lived into adulthood; and Abraham's son Isaac was the "chosen" one, the one through whom the aforementioned covenant would continue through.

--Governmental finances played a role in each of their lives, but in different ways: Lincoln imposed the first federal income tax, Abraham paid tithes to King Melchizedek, and Grampa has admitted that he neither earned nor needs his pension, but if one payment is missed he'll raise hell.

--Abraham had servants that were likely slaves; Grampa is the descendant of an escaped American slave; and Lincoln had strong feelings about slavery, though I can't seem to recall if he was pro or con.

--All three were military officers. Grampa actually fought in multiple branches of the Armed Forces, in both World Wars, if his stories are to be believed.

--Some details about each Abe indicate their possible sympathy with the LGBT community. There's a growing body of scholarship debating whether Lincoln was gay. Abraham once tried to convince God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah. And Grampa, a known cross-dresser (he once played in a ladies baseball league, and was a cabaret performer in Berlin--plus there may be other incidents I'm forgetting), once searched through his wallet and found a card identifying himself as the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance.

--Here's one commonality I will provide links for--LDS scriptures reveal much about Abraham's interest in astronomy; apparently Lincoln was an amateur stargazer of sorts; Grampa also felt strongly about heavenly bodies, but those feelings were negative, resulting in some pretty funny memes.

--Finally, we all likely know of the long list of (supposed) similarities between Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, but as you might have guessed--his fellow Abrahams have JFK connections too. Actually, I can't come up with anything for the ancient prophet; if anyone leaves a comment with something good, I'll give you a prize. But Grampa...not only did his son marry a Bouvier, just like Kennedy, but Grampa discovered JFK was a secret Nazi while serving with him in the Navy.

And on that pleasant note--enjoy your Abrahamic weekend!

WrestleVersary 25

Last Monday was perhaps the most significant day of my life as a fan of professional athletes. For starters, I was still basking in the glow of the Seahawks' Super Bowl win the night before--the first time any of the pro teams I cheer for has ever won a championship.

Beyond that, though, was something that's perhaps even more significant--Monday was the 25th anniversary of the first time I ever watched pro wrestling (and I've never really stopped). That's right, I've been a wrestling fan for a quarter of a century. On that fateful day, I watched the break-up of the Mega Powers, and a lifelong fan was born. Five years ago I chronicled the major events of the first 20 years of my fandom. To commemorate my silver anniversary, here's a countdown of my top 25 favorite sports-entertainers of the past two-and-a-half decades.

Honorable mention: The list of guys who just missed the cut include big stars like Bret "Hitman" Hart, Rob Van Dam, and Sycho Sid; underrated/underutilized talents like Henry O. Godwinn (aka HOG), Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, and Rob Conway; and novelty acts like Too Cool (including Rikishi) and the Godfather. On to the actual list!

25. Mr. Kennedy

Why I'm a fan: I'm not a fan of violence. I don't watch wrestling because I like seeing guys beat each other up. If I was into that kind of thing, I'd follow MMA or boxing instead. I watch wrestling because it's an addictive soap opera, with the best moments coming from characters who are corny or compelling (sometimes both). As a result, this list is largely comprised of competitors who are/were at least at good at talking as they are/were at fighting. And that's why #25 is a good spot for Ken Kennedy--he's one of pro wrestling's most gifted talkers ever, and had an abundance of wrestling skill too, but he never even came close to reaching his potential in WWE. He was unbelievably charismatic, but never said anything besides his name, weight, and hometown, as you'll see below.
On the mic: He rarely strayed far from his basic template, but he was still fun to listen to.
In the ring: In this section I'm not necessarily linking to what I consider my favorite match or their "best" match, but it will always be something noteworthy. Here, Kennedy competes against Eddie Guerrero in what would turn out to be Eddie's final match before his unexpected, tragic death.

24. The Shield

Why I'm a fan: From left to right: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins. They're the only wrestlers on this list who have debuted within the last few years; their inclusion is in part as representatives of the newest generation of Superstars, but they're also extremely impressive athletes, especially when working as a team. Tag team wrestling gets emphasized about one-tenth as much as it did when I started following wrestling, so I really appreciate their team chemistry.
On the mic: I gravitate towards those who cut funny, sarcastic promos, but I can dig intensity too.
In the ring: The three newbies won their WrestleMania debut against three former champions, because the Shield are a real team.

23. Gillberg

Why I'm a fan: At the height of the "Monday Night Wars," WWF turned scrawny jobber (term for a wrestler who always loses, doesn't have theme music or action figures, etc.) Duane Gill into "Gillberg," a parody of rival WCW's biggest star Goldberg, with hilarious results.
On the mic: He does talk here, but his character was really all about the intro: the piped-in Gillberg chants, the security guards flanking him, the hand-held sparklers instead of big pyrotechnics...so great. Bonus: this was the debut of Lita, one of the greatest Divas of all time.
In the ring: Classic Gillberg.

22. Renee Young

Why I'm a fan: The only other "new" talent on this list, besides those who share a spot. Obviously she's very attractive, but she's also dang good as a backstage interviewer. For years, I've suffered through interviews (conducted by men and women) that consist of nothing more than introducing a wrestler and asking them "What are your thoughts?" Renee actually asks good questions, with good follow-ups always at the ready. She also provides occasional match commentary on NXT, the WWE's minor league program, which I believe makes her the first woman ever to do so in more than just a "special guest" role. She's fun and sassy and the only wrestling personality I follow on Twitter--and once she even acknowledged my social media existence!
On the mic: Even when she doesn't get to talk much, Renee still has good body language.
In the ring: Renee doesn't fight, but she did take a bit of a beating from frequent verbal sparring partner Paul Heyman in this interview.

21. Ravishing Rick Rude/Val Venis

Why I'm a fan: It's always a good time when a guy boasts he can please all the women in the audience more than their own men can, then proceeds to elaborately disrobe, then proceeds to beat the crap out of their opponent. Rude was decidedly more PG in his late '80s heyday than Venis, who rose to prominence during the late '90s when wrestling got incredibly sleazy.
On the mic: Low video quality on this Rude supercut, but I'm so glad it exists. Val's promo, as noted above, is fairly risque, but it's dang funny.
In the ring: Both the Ravishing One and the Big Valbowski could back up their boasts in the ring.

20. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Why I'm a fan: Brutus was Hulk Hogan's real-life and on-screen best friend, and I chose him as my favorite wrestler, likely because the Hulkster was my true favorite but even at 9 years old, I knew he was too obvious a choice. I loved how he put his opponent out with a sleeper hold, then gave them an awful haircut (luckily most jobbers of that era had mullets, so he could just thin out the back without making them completely hideous).
On the mic: He was ok in interviews, but nothing special.
In the ring: This was the Barber's last high-profile match before a parasailing accident "shaved" a few years off his career; when he finally did start wrestling again he wasn't quite the same performer.

19. Yokozuna

Why I'm a fan: Yokozuna, a Hawaiian posing as a Japanese sumo champ, was one of the first agile super-heavyweights. He could put on a much better match than plodders like Andre the Giant, and he was a very convincing bad guy.
On the mic: Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette did all the talking for him.
In the ring: Here's the main reason Yoko made the list...I had this computer game, and he was my favorite character to play as, but also to fight against, because when you hit him cooked turkeys and other food came out of him. Here's one of his more notable real matches.

18. Jerry "The King" Lawler

Why I'm a fan: Lawler started wrestling 40ish years ago, but most fans (including me) think of him first and foremost as an announcer. Old age, poor health, and the WWE's shift back to a PG show have neutered most of the edge he had throughout the '90s and early '00s, but in his prime the King was an amorous, cackling hyena, and he made every show more entertaining.
On the mic: I love that people take the time to make these videos and upload them to YouTube. Thank you, Internet!
In the ring: He had greater triumphs before coming to the WWF/WWE, but this was probably the peak of his in-ring run during my fandom.

17. British Bulldog

Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most underrated wrestler of his era. He was amazingly strong, agile, athletic, and always had a good match, no matter who he was up against.
On the mic: Not the best talker; maybe that's why he only won the lower-tier titles throughout his career.
In the ring: If Bulldog isn't the most underrated, than that title probably goes to his brother-in-law Owen Hart. This match is so good, it's the one that I'm choosing to share even though it's hard to hear the English commentary.

16. The Divas

Why I'm a fan: The WWF/WWE (the name was changed in 2002, almost exactly halfway through my 25 years) call their male talent Superstars and the female talent Divas. Nobody is better (or at least, nobody is more thorough) at branding than the WWE. Pro wrestling has a storied history of misogyny, and the Divas are rarely more than eye candy (or at least are not allowed to be more than that), especially when they engage in bikini contests, the infamous "bra and panties" matches, and other such tawdry fare. But I would be lying if I said I didn't like seeing them, and it would be a gross oversight to not include them in some way on this list. Pictured above are Stacy Keibler (most famous for dating George Clooney) and Alicia Fox (my current favorite Diva), but I could've easily used photos of some of the others I've liked over the years, including Miss Elizabeth, Sunny, Trish Stratus, Lita, or Michelle McCool.
On the mic: The ladies don't get to speak much, but this recent diatribe by current Divas Champ AJ Lee shows that at least some of them deserve more chances on the mic.
In the ring: Few Divas have any wrestling experience when they debut in WWE, but that doesn't stop them from throwing them out there in matches from time to time. They all receive training, but often the matches are pretty sloppy. Some, though, actually show dramatic improvement and become good wrestlers; the most notable of these is probably Stratus, who went from super-awkward in the ring to more than competent. Here's her retirement match against Lita.

15. "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase

Why I'm a fan: Beefcake knocked out his opponents and cut their hair; DiBiase upped the humiliation ante, putting his rivals to sleep and then stuffing money in their mouths. He was the ultimate villain, using his wealth to embarrass people, bribe officials, even buy titles. And his laugh...oh, his laugh. So brilliant.
On the mic: This is classic cartoonish supervillainy. Or at least, '80s teen movie Billy Zabka-style villainy.
In the ring: The closest he ever came to winning the WWF title (though he did come even closer to purchasing it at one point).

14. Edge & Christian

Why I'm a fan: The duo achieved greater success as singles wrestlers than as a tag team, but pairing them allows me to include more people on the list. Plus, they literally "reeked of awesomeness" as a hilarious, title-winning team. In the early 2000s they were billed as brothers, but now call each other "best friend" and pretend the familial claims never happened.
On the mic: The 5-second pose...
In the ring: They liked to goof around, but these are two of the best, most fearless wrestlers ever. (Again, they have tons of great matches as solo artists as well, but I really loved them as a team.)

13. The Genius/Damien Sandow

Why I'm a fan: DiBiase drew ire by flaunting his money, these two do it by flaunting their intellect. Lanny Poffo (the real brother of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, still to come on the list) also elicited boos by giving his Genius character some gay undertones; wrestlers and wrestling fans are often homophobic, despite the blatant homoeroticism prevalent in the ring. Sandow doesn't prance and skip like Poffo did, but it's clear his character is based in no small part on the Genius.
On the mic: The Genius topped off the cap and gown with a scroll, and then recited poetry; Sandow merely bragged about his intellectual superiority without proving it through rhyme.
In the ring: At his effeminate best, the Genius could even stymie Hulk Hogan; but Sandow's smarts weren't enough to overcome Hogan's modern-day equivalent, John Cena.

12. Legion of Doom

Why I'm a fan: Cool look, cool music and entrance, really cool finishing move...they were the best tag team of the early '90s.
On the mic: Also, I'm a fan because Hawk (the one on the right) was a little crazy.
In the ring: As much as I liked them, they don't have any particularly memorable matches. Here's their first title win, though.

11. Razor Ramon

Why I'm a fan: Razor was my first officially designated "favorite" wrestler post-Beefcake. I liked the fake Cuban accent, the chains, the hairy chest, but it was the toothpick that put Ramon over the top. He achieved his greatest fame wrestling under his real name Scott Hall, but he's seen even more tragedy.
On the mic: Oh my...I forgot how great the series of vignettes were that aired leading up to his debut. "I will scar...your soul."
In the ring: Razor called himself "the Bad Guy," but he was the good guy in his most famous match.

10. Hulk Hogan

Why I'm a fan: The biggest star in wrestling history. Not much else to say.
On the mic: Hogan's interviews were always full of bombast, energy, intensity, and catchphrases. No one stands out in my mind above the others, but here's a typical example. Well, not that typical--not many promos include the line "thank God Donald Trump is a Hulkamaniac."
In the ring: Hulk got by much more on force of personality than on in-ring skill, but if he was paired with a great wrestler like Randy Savage he could put on a pretty good match.

9. Bobby Heenan

Why I'm a fan: "The Brain" was the best heel (that's the "official" term for villain) manager of my lifetime, and on Lawler's level as a sarcastically evil announcer.
On the mic: Yet another great YouTube supercut.
In the ring: They would sometimes make Heenan wrestle, but it was never a pretty sight. So just watch this instead.

8. Owen Hart

Why I'm a fan: He was already one of my favorites, but tragic, untimely deaths often make legends grow disproportionately, and that's happened with Owen, who died when a stunt went wrong at a Pay-Per-View event in 1999. I still get sad when I think about it.
On the mic: He had some good, wholesome things to say early in his career, but this angry promo is probably his best ever.
In the ring: His greatest moments came either when paired with or against his family, whether his brother-in-law British Bulldog as mentioned above, or classics like this match with his brother Bret.

7. Ultimate Warrior

Why I'm a fan: Oops, maybe I should've warned you about this picture...sorry if you end up having nightmares. Just looking at this photo should make it clear why I was a Warrior fan, but if not, just click these links...
On the mic: ...you could spend an hour watching bizarre Ultimate Warrior rants online, and it would be time well spent, but this mashup is a great place to start. Probably one of my top 10 favorite videos on all of the Internet.
In the ring: Like Hogan, Warrior wasn't a Superstar because of his technical prowess, so once again--Randy Savage to the rescue!

6. Vince McMahon

Why I'm a fan: You couldn't have pro wrestling without Hulk Hogan, but you really couldn't have it without this guy. Vince is the man most responsible for moving wrestling away from trying to pass itself off as legitimate competition, and acknowledging that it's really more like the Harlem Globetrotters. Plus, his onscreen character is even more of a cartoon supervillain than the Million Dollar Man.
On the mic: The prototypical Mr. McMahon promo--I can do whatever you want, and there's nothing you can do about it, because I'm the boss.
In the ring: For many years, McMahon just couldn't help making himself one of the major players on his own shows--and his whole family got in on the act. Here, he and his son Shane bludgeon each other with garbage cans and other weapons.

5. Mick Foley

Why I'm a fan: Whether wrestling as Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, or under his own name, Foley is one of the most unique individuals in wrestling history. He was crazy in the ring and hilarious on the mic (and in print--he's written several highly readable books, but his first is by far the best).
On the mic: He's actually probably known more for his bizarre, twisted, serious promos than the funny ones, but I prefer the funny ones.
In the ring: By far his most famous match, this makes it clear why many view Foley as more of a stuntman than a wrestler.

4. Kurt Angle

Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most phenomenal combination of skill in both the major categories, at least for the first few years of his career (if he'd kept it up longer, he might have the top spot on the list). It's weird to think that he's now been in TNA (now the 2nd biggest pro wrestling company) longer than he was in WWE, and it's sad to see him now (injury-prone, far less crisp in the ring and on the mic than he used to be, turning bright purple like he's going to have a heart attack every time he wrestles and making me fear for his safety and that of his opponent) compared to his peak of 1999-2004.
On the mic: The classic wholesome, all-American overachiever, he loved to rub it in that he's so much better than everyone else. He could also be quite funny.
In the ring: Angle doesn't win here, but it's still an amazing match.

3. The Rock

Why I'm a fan: The most charismatic person in the world is probably either Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, or The Rock. He's probably only at #3 for the same reason that I chose Brutus the Barber over Hulk Hogan as my favorite. The Rock is amazing.
On the mic: So many good ones to choose from. This is a hidden gem; I probably haven't seen it in over a decade.
In the ring: My top 25 end up losing in a lot of the matches I'm highlighting, but so be it. The truly great ones are great even in defeat.

2. "Macho Man" Randy Savage

Why I'm a fan: Ahead of his time in the way he wrestled and cut promos. Plus he's really fun to imitate, especially "Snap into a Slim Jim" and the opening lines from this song.
On the mic: I don't think I'd seen this compilation before; it rivals the Warrior video for awesomeness.
In the ring: This is probably the consensus choice for greatest match of all time; I think that's overrating it quite a lot, but it is very good.

1. Chris Jericho

Why I'm a fan: And then there was one. It's no surprise that Jericho's WWF debut was a verbal altercation with The Rock. That was in 1999, and he started calling himself Y2J. He still calls himself that, which is very odd, but other than that he's pretty much the perfect entertainer. You'd think I'd have more to say about my all-time favorite, but...it's been a long blog post.
On the mic: Jericho was absolutely brutal to Stephanie McMahon, the boss's daughter, but especially so in the summer of '01.
In the ring: Wrestling has always been a soap opera, but the story lines move exponentially faster now than they did 25 years ago. Except once in a while the writers and wrestlers take their time and let something amazing develop more naturally. Case in point: the 2008 rivalry between Shawn Michaels and Jericho lasted almost a year, and it was perhaps the best feud of the last quarter-century. This great match was the culmination.

There you have it. If you read all the way to the end of this post, you're probably crazier than Ultimate Warrior and Hawk combined, but I certainly appreciate it.