The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men

Last October I joined a dinner group. It's a pretty sweet set-up: every week, Monday through Thursday, we gather for dinner. There's 12 of us, so I only have to take a turn once every three weeks. Cooking for 12 isn't much more costly or time-consuming than cooking for 4 or 8 would be, and I get 11 free well-above-average meals each cycle. It's also helped me develop my cooking skills, at least a little.

While I am still not much of a chef, my party planning and hosting skills were already top notch, and now I just get more frequent chances to show them off. My roommate Petey is in a different dinner group, and last week we joined forces to throw both groups a Burns Night the likes of which the Turnberry Apartments has probably never seen (even though the complex and its substreets--Inverary, Muirfield, and Royal Troon--are all named after Scottish golf courses). When I told my groupies we were having a Burns Supper, many assumed I meant Mr. Burns. While that would be a logical guess, and would be an "excellent" (tent your fingers while you say it) theme for a dinner party, here's how it really went down.

I invited my family to come, but only my sister Chelsea took me up on the offer. There's a good chance this was the final time I ever wear my kilt; I'm just too big for it. The sporran, or "purse thingy," as my mom calls it, is supposed to hang loosely. Oops.

After welcoming the guests and briefing them on how the night would go, we started with a salad course. But this is the main event of Burns Night--the haggis, warming on the stove. Looks delicious, doesn't it?



Usually the haggis is piped into the room and set before the host. None of our guests plays the bagpipes, so we used YouTube. Here's Petey reading Burns' "Address to a Haggis."

We had the traditional haggis, neeps (mashed turnip), and tatties (mashed potatoes) as our main course, but figuring some wouldn't be huge fans of the haggis (we were right), we turned the tatties into shepherd's pie so everyone would get enough to eat.



While we ate, Bryan gave the "Immortal Memory," a speech of sorts that gives detail about the life and work of Robert Burns. He capped it off by singing Burns' "My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose." Brilliant. Then it was time for dessert...

There's only a few things better than trifle, and one of them is TWO trifles. Looks amazing, doesn't it? Petey did most of the work on these, and I was very pleased at how they turned out, aesthetically and gastronimally (that's a word, right?).



While we ate dessert, Jason gave the traditional "Toast to the Lassies"...



...followed by Amy's "Reply to the Toast to the Lassies." A few others took a stab at cold readings of some Burns poems, with some funny results on some pronunciations. I was very appreciative of everyone who participated. I really enjoyed myself.

So that's a Burns Supper. You're all invited next year. Maybe we'll try a deep-fried haggis in 2013!

It's a Party in the YSA (Ward)

[For the first time ever, I'm tagging a blog post. From now on, my posts in which I, in some roundabout way, encourage my readers to prepare for the upcoming Sunday School lesson will receive the tag BASOTRUSSL. This, of course, stands for Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson. I started using that unwieldy acronym a few weeks ago on my Facebook fan page. Yes, that's right--you can now become a fan of Jeff Hofmann the Entertainer, which is slightly different than being a friend of Jeff Hofmann the Person. Go on, do it. You know you want to.

A few reasons for using the tag: hopefully it will help me recognize when there's been a dearth of non-BASOTRUSSL posts (like this month) and motivate me to write more often; some people might come to my blog looking for something to aid them in their preparation for Gospel Doctrine class; or, more likely, the opposite is true--some of you probably like my writing but aren't interested in the posts with religious connotations. Well, starting now, whether zero or one or more of those reasons apply to you, you'll know that some posts are at least peripherally about church.

Now, on to this week's BASOTRUSSL.]

Did you ever notice that if you reversed the order of the major events in 1 Nephi 16-18, Nephi's story would resemble pretty accurately a typical guy's experience in a Young Single Adult (YSA) ward? You didn't? Well, it's true. Check it out:

Nephi is a YSA, active in the church. He'd like to get married sooner rather than later, but his dating life has become stagnant in his current ward. So he moves to a new apartment in a new ward, hoping that this will be his dating "promised land." (1 Ne. 18:23)

Trying to make friends and a good impression, Nephi volunteers his car when drivers are needed for FHE and other activities. (1 Ne 18:22)

It doesn't take Nephi long to realize that his new ward, like the ward he just moved from, has an entrenched social clique. Despite the efforts of people like Nephi and even the bishop, it's tough to make any progress towards a more inclusive group. (1 Ne. 18:17)

Nephi tries to set a good example for the other Elders in the ward, but it's not like he's their father. He can control what he does and says, but otherwise it's like his hands are tied. (1 Ne. 18:11)

A group of roommates in the ward hosts a karaoke party, and a bunch of people come. Nephi is having a great time until, as it inevitably goes at Mormon karaoke parties, people make some song selections that make the other partygoers uncomfortable (like the first time I hosted a party after I got my karaoke machine, and my friend Brad sang "Love Bites," or when my friend David literally cleared the room with his rendition of Poison's "Talk Dirty To Me"). (1 Ne. 18:9)

One day, Nephi realizes that he's gotten so caught up with serving in the ward and, you know, "life," that he's been in the ward for a year and he's still not any closer to getting married. He's not the new guy anymore, and the guys who just moved in seem to be getting all the attention from the ladies. (1 Ne. 18:7, 19)

Seeking comfort and guidance, Nephi starts going to the temple more often. (1 Ne. 18:3)

Whether it's the energy from the new move-ins, or the efforts of Nephi and other diligent ward members are paying off, or something else entirely, the ward starts showing a greater sense of unity and brotherhood. (1 Ne. 18:1)

Having developed a reputation as a nice guy but kind of uptight and humorless, Nephi performs a shocking feat at the ward talent show, leaving his peers stunned and gaining a new level of respect. (1 Ne. 17:48-55)

Since it's clear that Nephi is comfortable in front of large groups, he soon gets called as a Gospel Doctrine teacher. His lessons on the Old Testament are mesmerizing. (1 Ne. 17:23-47)

The Elders Quorum arranges a service project: helping a local elderly couple move. Nephi is disappointed, but after years of YSA EQ service project experience not really surprised, that only a few people show up. (1 Ne. 17:17-18)

To make matters worse, Nephi realizes the elderly couple have not arranged for any kind of moving truck. (1 Ne. 17:8-11)

More time goes on, and still Nephi seems to be getting nowhere when it comes to dating. Why are girls so hard to understand? Why are so many of them attracted to "bad boys?" (1 Ne. 16: 35-37)

A break-the-fast potluck is held. Not enough food is brought, and everyone gets really cranky. Another chance to meet new girls is wasted. Nephi is a broken beau. (1 Ne. 16:18-21)

Some great leaders employ some creative teaching methods, and Nephi renews his commitment to find "the one," exercising faith and diligence even though he can't tell how things will work out or where he'll end up. (1 Ne. 16:9-11, 26-29)

After about eight years of wandering through the dating wilderness, Nephi's faith and diligence are finally rewarded. He falls in love with a great girl and they get married. Almost immediately, Nephi gets called as a counselor in the bishopric of a YSA ward. (1 Ne. 16:7)

See? There's probably at least a half-dozen guys in every YSA ward who relate to most or all of that. But if you're the type who doesn't like to read the scriptures backwards, here's some info that will help you as you prepare for this Sunday's lesson.

Feed the flock

The subtitle of The Book of Mormon is "Another Testament of Jesus Christ." However, the name Christ does not appear until page 78, and "Jesus" shows up for the first time on page 99. The Savior is referenced constantly in the earlier pages, by names like Messiah, Redeemer, Son of God, and more.

The name used most often to refer to Christ at the beginning of the Book of Mormon is probably the Lamb of God. This week's Sunday School lesson covers just three chapters, but in those three the name Lamb or Lamb of God is used 43 times! There's not a lot of time left before class tomorrow, but do what you can to study up. You won't regret it.

I think about lambs and sheep more at this time of year than at any other, probably. (Or, to put it more accurately and to paraphrase Homer Simpson when trying to convince Lisa to keep eating meat, at this time of year I think about lamb, not a lamb.) And that's because we're rapidly approaching Burns Night, the time of year when people are most likely to eat haggis!

Most of you have probably heard of haggis, thanks to Groundskeeper Willie or Harriet, the hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. You probably know it as a weird, mysterious food. But most of you have no idea what it actually is. Well, here's Willie again to explain it:



Need it simplified even further? Here you go.

(Thanks to my coworker Morgan for the image.)

I'll admit that haggis doesn't sound particularly appetizing, but it does taste good. It's similar in texture to meatloaf or scrapple, and it's usually a little spicy.  I would encourage any non-vegetarian to try it at least once before judging it. As I said, it's good, but I wouldn't say it's great, and I'm fine with it being just a once-a-year food, especially since in the U.S., haggis is expensive, and you can pretty much only get it in a can.

But this is that once a year, and I'm excited. I'll be hosting a Burns Supper for the first time ever when my dinner group comes over on Wednesday night, complete with kilts (if I can still squeeze into mine), poetry, bagpipe music, and of course, haggis. I'll hopefully be able to apply enough peer pressure to get everyone to try it. Check back next week for pictures.

I'm happy to be able to educate the masses about the wonders of Scottish culture, especially haggis. The downside: I won't be able to trick anyone who reads this into thinking the haggis is actually a small animal, with one set of legs longer than the other so it can run around the Scottish highlands (only in one direction, of course) without falling over.

It's surprising how many people believe this. The haggis is basically the snipe of Scotland; you can always find a sucker willing to go on a haggis hunt, or at least look for them online. People are so gullible. Just like sheep.

I Have A Dream...Sometimes

Happy early MLK Day! I have very little in common with Dr. King, including dreams. He had one, and I--well, I might have dreams, but I almost never remember them (I've posted about one of my "dreams" before, but probably at least 50% of the details there were filled in after I woke up).

It seems like everyone remembers their dreams better than I do. People are always posting about their dreams on Facebook. My mom and sister have weird ones. My friend Amy IMs me about vivid dreams she had involving our mutual friends and/or So You Think You Can Dance contestants. Another friend, Larissa, remembers her dreams so well, so often, that she sometimes has to blog about them in bunches. Remembering dreams is the widespread ability that I'm second-most jealous about not possessing (whistling has the top spot).

I probably average about one morning a month where I wake up and remember anything from my dreams, and probably once a year (or less) do I remember any in-depth details. It happens so infrequently that today I can easily recall my most vivid dream ever, even though it happened a little over 12 years ago, when I was a missionary in Scotland.

In my dream, I was in a large room, empty of furniture but crowded with missionaries in dark suits and name tags. I only knew one of the Elders, a big guy from Germany who had served in my previous zone. I was talking to an unknown missionary when another brought me a phone and told me I had a call.

It was Elder Mark Buffington (not a stage name), my first district leader, who had finished his mission about two months earlier. As we were talking (most likely about Star Wars: Episode I, which he was super-excited to see as soon as he got back to the States--hey, we were young), the German guy, Elder Quast, ran up to me holding a loaf of Wonder Bread and pointed at something on the package while yelling "He was right! The space monkey from Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator was right!" over and over.

And that's the dream. I remembered it clearly the next morning, but I was very confused. On the next Preparation Day, I wrote to a friend named Ceianna, and asked her to read the book for me, check if there were any monkeys, and report to me anything they said or did. (Ceianna was a girl from my freshman ward at BYU who wrote bizarrely entertaining letters to a bunch of us who were serving missions, so I figured I could give her this assignment without her thinking I was crazy.) I expected Roald Dahl's pages to contain some grand key to sharing the gospel, but alas, she didn't read the book.

So I did, within a week or two of returning home (about 18 months after having the dream), the first time I'd read the Chocolate Factory sequel since elementary school. Guess what? No space monkeys (though the Vermicious Knids were shape shifters and could probably appear as monkeys if they wanted to). And no amazing insights for missionaries. It was just a ridiculous dream.

But at least I remembered it! I wonder what I could do to remember them more easily. Maybe I could follow Nephi's example: after his dad described his Tree of Life Dream, Nephi prayed to have the same dream--and an angel basically escorted Nephi through the various parts of the dream and interpreted it for him. (This is all covered in this week's Sunday School lesson! So timely!) Who knew the Book of Mormon was so much like Inception?

You know what else is like Inception? The Bachelor. At least according to my friend Billy's awesome Bachelor blog. You should check it out. That Ben sure is dreamy.

We Wish You A Goodly Christmas

This is short notice, but you still have some time left to read the assigned chapters for this weekend's Sunday School lesson! We're covering the beginning of 1 Nephi, which includes what has to be the most-read verse of scripture among Mormons, the "I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, yadda yadda yadda" one. (I think #2 is "Jesus wept.")

I also have goodly parents, and to prove it let me tell you what they gave me for Christmas. I'm sure you've all been dying to know. There were two main gifts, the first being the entire series of Pushing Daisies (two too-short seasons), probably the second best show of the 21st century (behind Parks and Recreation, of course, and just ahead of Extras, Lost, and Arrested Development). I've proved my devotion to PD before by comparing it to the best 2-season show of the '90s.

They also gave me a Scottish food-themed present, complete with a package of chocolate chip scone dough (which I will use later this month when I prepare a Burns Supper for my dinner group) and some Tunnocks wafers and tea cakes. They were some of my favorite treats on my mission, and I even got to visit the factory once. They were gone within a couple of days.

My sister Julie is also quite goodly (all my siblings are, but she's the one that drew my name this year for our gift exchange). My present from her was just one box...with many small, individually wrapped items inside! Opening presents is super fun, so I got really excited, and as I opened each small package I realized she had prepared an awesome New York City-themed gift. My present included a Colbert DVD, an Apollo Theater coaster, a stress wiener, and bonbons from Max Brenner (perhaps my favorite place to eat in New York). What an awesome present, I thought. But there was more!

Beneath all the cool trinkets were a pile of letters. Julie had gone poking around my old blog and Facebook photos and contacted a bunch of my friends from the days I lived in NYC, and had them write letters to me! Some of them even sent pictures! It was so great reading all the letters, and definitely one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received.

Aren't you jealous of how goodly and kind my family is? What's that, you say? When Nephi used the word goodly (or its reformed Egyptian equivalent), he probably meant that his family was wealthy, and that's why he was able to be educated after the learning of his father? Well, maybe you're right. But I didn't get a thesaurus for Christmas. Maybe next year. Because my family is pretty dang goodly.

Pursuit of the trivial

Today is National Trivia Day! Seems like a great time to point out that the annual Jeopardy! online test is just around the corner. It only takes 15 minutes, so go ahead, sign up and give it a try.

I've blogged about Jeopardy! more than once in past years to help get everyone excited for their chance to meet Alex Trebek. (Although there are multiple missing parentheses--and the term "most hardest"--in that first link, I am actually quite intelligent and am confident I would perform well if I ever made it on the show.)

I actually haven't watched full episodes of Jeopardy! much since I was in high school, but I see it all the time in other TV shows and movies. Here are some of the best ones, in ascending order of awesomeness.

9. Mama's Family



That's about as funny as that show ever got.


8. Golden Girls



Betty White is just unstoppable.


7. Cheers



Perhaps the most famous one, but not my favorite.

6. Seinfeld

There's an even better Jeopardy! moment when George, operating at full(er) mental capacity due to an unexpected period of celibacy, nails every answer while solving a Rubik's Cube, but I couldn't find the video.

5. Family Guy



There's also this clip, but the one above is funnier, plus it led to a fantastic "life imitating art" moment.

4. White Men Can't Jump



The first movie on the list. Here's a rundown of some things you've seen more than once if you've watched all of the above clips: 1) People cheating off their neighbor's screen in Final Jeopardy; 2) Woody Harrelson in the studio audience; 3) Mentions of Cary Grant.

3. Groundhog Day



Had I been in the same situation as Phil Connors, I would've probably  spent at least one day out of every 50 just messing with people like this.

2. The Simpsons

 I can never find the Simpsons clips I want online. In this Christmas episode, Marge goes on Jeopardy! to win money that the family owes the town. She ends up $5200 in the hole, which Trebek tries to collect from her as she leaves. "I asked if you understood the rules before the game and you said you did." So great.

1. Saturday Night Live

SNL Celebrity Jeopardy 4-15-00 - watch more funny videos

How could the top spot be anything but SNL's "Celebrity Jeopardy?" The video above is the best of the best (or at least the best one that doesn't feature Turd Ferguson). Lorne Michaels is a smart guy, but he hasn't handled his extensive video library very intelligently. There should have been a Celebrity Jeopardy DVD in stores years ago--there might even be enough for two volumes! Come on, Lorne.

If you choose to leave a comment, make sure it's trivial! And good luck on the test!

Hoffmann of the Month: January

German painter Heinrich Hofmann is the inaugural "Hoffmann of the Month" for 2012!

The main reason for this posthumous honor: I'll be mentioning the Book of Mormon frequently on the ol' blog this year, and a detail of Hofmann's Christ and the Rich Young Ruler is included in every copy of the Book of Mormon given away by LDS missionaries (or at least it used to be--haven't picked up a free copy in a while, but I don't think they've updated the pictures recently).

The original painting currently hangs in the Riverside Church, which I lived right next to the first time I went to New York. So that's also cool.

Aside from that, there's not much of interest in the brief details of Hofmann's life covered in a couple of online biographies I read. But he was certainly very talented, and deserving of this month's award. Congratulations, Heinrich!