Mascot Mania

Jim Gaffigan has been making regular appearances on this blog lately. It shouldn't be a surprise--not only is he hilarious, but he also once described himself in a TV special as a potential "mascot for the Mormons" (skip to the 2:40 mark of the link; the video is the entire special in question--if you have an hour it's WELL worth your time).

If you were to ask the population at large who or what they thought the Mormon mascot was, the most popular pick would likely be missionaries in white shirts and name tags. Some might also pick the Tabernacle Choir, or the Osmonds. Three years ago it would've been Jimmer in a landslide, but not so much right now. But if we're talking oversize, costumed mascots like you'll find patrolling the sidelines at sporting events, there's one clear choice:

The Angel Moroni. He even looks like he's riling up the crowd at a homecoming game. While the Mormon church will likely never have an official mascot, I think we can safely say that, at minimum, Moroni is the mascot for Mormon temples. (Hey! We're studying temples in Gospel Doctrine class this Sunday. Here's the study guide to help you get ready.)

The temple was the inspiration for another mascot: the Manti Templar. There is, of course, a famous ancient military order known as the Knights Templar, but make no mistake--Manti chose its high school mascot because of the town's temple, the third completed temple in Utah, way back in 1888. As a result, they have one of the most unique mascots in the nation and one of the best in the state--way better than just calling themselves the Knights.

USA Today recently held a contest to determine the best mascot in America, and another Utah mascot, the Carbon High School Dinos, were the runner-up to the champion Orphans of Centralia, Illinois. It's cool for a local(ish) school to get that kind of support, but the Dinos wouldn't even crack my list of the top ten Utah high school mascots. Here is said list:

Honorable Mention--Fremont High School
The Plain City school has a rather plain mascot--the Silver Wolves. But they deserve a shoutout because someone on Wikipedia took the time to chronicle their prehistoric football prowess and declare Chuck Norris the mascot of the 17k+ students enrolled. Well done, Internet pranksters. Well done.

10--Bear River Bears, Roy Royals, Beaver Beavers (tie)
I love the creativity displayed here. It's like how Tony Danza's character in every sitcom he appeared in was named Tony.

9--Delta Rabbits
It's not a spectacular mascot, but I don't want to deal with the wrath of Heidi Draper if she reads this and Delta isn't on the list.

8--Escalante Moquis
Just like the Templars, this local Native American name is used as a mascot by just one high school in the USA. Pretty cool.

7--Ben Lomond Scots
I'm a little biased, but...if it's not Scottish, it's crap!

6--Jordan Beetdiggers
Another example of a school eschewing something basic ("Farmers") and ending up with a uniquely awesome mascot.

5--Intermountain Christian Lions
I love the juxtaposition of Christian and Lions. I don't know how they perform on the field or the court, but the're definitely state champs in irony.

4--Manti Templars
As mentioned above, definitely a great mascot, but not the state's best.

3--American Fork Cavemen
Fremont may have been region champs back in 20 B.C., but only one school plays every year in the Stone Age. The existence of this mascot is even more impressive, considering the majority of parents in Utah County likely have mixed feelings at best about evolution being taught in the high schools.

2--Murray Smelterites

I didn't give my alma mater the top spot because this is no longer their mascot, but it definitely deserves a spot on the list. I love that they didn't go with Smelters or Smelterers or anything like that, but Smelterites, likely conjuring comparisons to Book of Mormon peoples in some and images of fanatical devotion in others. Even though it's been over a decade since the smelter smokestacks across from the school were imploded and more than 60 years since the mascot became the Spartans, this is still a very proud part of my heritage.

1--Monticello Buckaroos
The colors of the top two high schools on this list are orange and black. That's no coincidence: a high school mascot is basically a slice of Halloween in the everyday life of a student. Again, the policy-makers here could've gone with something safe like Cowboy but instead came up with something great. With this name, they could even dress a kangaroo in a cowboy hat and it would make perfect sense. And of course, the kangaroo would scream "Banzai!"

Here's another list--some new mascot ideas I came up with for other Utah schools, listed in ascending order of awesomeness:

Dixie Cups
Manila Envelopes
Bountiful Baskets
Highland Cows
Skyline Chili

Tuacahn Toucans (putting them in the Roy Royals category; or, if you want to go a more esoteric route...)
Tuacahn Play-This-Games

Judge Judys
Milford Brimleys
Brighton Early
Maeser Prep Chalk Circles
Enterprise Starships
Hunter Gatherers

And last but certainly not least...the Tabiona Pudding!

In a perfect world, we'd all be watching a Pudding-Smelterites state title game. And Chuck Norris would be riding a kangaroo wearing a cowboy hat.