OxyMormon

By now, most of you have probably seen the updated version of "Ironic," Alanis Morissette's 1996 pop hit. The new version "corrects" the lyrics, so that the disappointing-but-not-ironic scenarios Alanis sang about now match more closely the traditional definition of irony. The singers even include the line, "We fixed it for you, Alanis. You're welcome."

Here's the thing that I find ironic, though: the new song (or at least the video) stinks. The singing is ok at best, but the quality of the audio recording and of the video production are very poor. There are several instances where the lip-synching doesn't match up with the track. And while the original may have been linguistically dubious, the song itself didn't need any fixing: it's Ms. Morissette's biggest hit of all time (going off of peak chart position on the Billboard Hot 100), and will likely still be a karaoke bar staple 50 years from now.

Sidenote: can you believe Alanis is only 39? Seems like she should be much older than that by now. This means she was only 17 when she toured as Vanilla Ice's opening act. I like several Alanis songs, but my all-time favorite is a song she did as a joke. Is that ironic? It's so hard to tell anymore.

So a song called "Ironic" that lists a bunch of things that aren't ironic...that's an oxymoron, right? In the same way the unironicness of the song drove some people crazy, I have a bone to pick with most supposed oxymorons. For example, check out this site. On the Google search page, the title shows as "Oxymoron List--Funny Examples of Oxymorons." When you click on it, though, you see no mention of the word "funny," which is good, because these aren't.

I've always disliked the oxymorons that are lame attempts at jokes, like "airline food" or "army intelligence." Then there are the ones that, sure, are oxymoronic, but nobody actually says them--ones like "anticipated serendipity" or "arrogant humility." And apparently, on this list, you even get some that are downright racist, like "Aunt Jemima Light." (I pretty much only looked at the "A" page, if you couldn't tell.)

No, I prefer oxymorons that are actual things, but have contradictory titles, like "jumbo shrimp" and "Dodge Ram." My all time favorite is Liberty Jail, where the prophet Joseph Smith and several colleagues were imprisoned for several months. Joseph's experiences there, and several of the revelations that ensued, form the crux of this week's Sunday School lesson.

If Liberty Jail is the best overall oxymoron, then by default it's also the best "oxyMormon"--an oxymoron derived from the lexicon of the LDS Church. But it's certainly not the only one.

[After I began writing this post, I Googled "oxymormon," hoping that I was the first to coin the term but doubtful that I was. Turns out it's been around for at least 20 years, though most if not all usage of it is as a title for "nontraditional" Mormons--liberal Mormons, Mormon feminists, etc. To me there is no inherent contradiction in these terms, so they are not true oxymorons.]

The classic Saturday Night Live character Linda Richman thought MoTab was an oxyMormon. Watch, if for no other reason than to hear Mike Myers say "tabble-nacker" instead of Tabernacle.

A few more that I came up with after just a few minutes of brainstorming:

--for many, the Sabbath is hardly a "day of rest"

--the scriptures speak of the "great and terrible day of the Lord"

--they also teach that the Father and the Son are one, but also distinct beings

--when you're really hungry, "fast Sunday" is anything but

--male Mormon missionaries, many now as young as 18, are called Elder

Got any of your own oxyMormons? I'd love to hear them!

Abraham thinkin'

Very soon, this blog will reach a significant milestone. At the time this post is published, "Tales of Hofmann" is exactly one total pageview behind my first blog, "Amateur Blog at the Apollo," based on the stats provided by Blogger. This is quite impressive, considering ABatA has 52 (now 51) more posts than ToH, not to mention a three-and-a-half-year headstart. That's a lot of potential random Google searches for the old posts to turn up in.

I've written some great stuff on this blog (if I do say so myself--and I DO say so), but I actually think the overall quality of the old blog was better. (Seriously, if you like my writing, you should read some of my 2008 posts.) But I'm much more active in promoting this blog on Twitter, Facebook, Gchat statuses, etc. Regardless of which posts you read, how you find them, whether or not you leave comments, I appreciate everyone who reads what I write. Even the spammers.

I'm going to celebrate this achievement by...taking the rest of the post off! This week's Sunday School lesson is titled "They Must Needs Be Chastened and Tried, Even as Abraham." As luck would have it, my friend Will Bishop (he's on the far left of the group shot in this post) just gave a talk on that very subject in his ward's sacrament meeting, and he's given me permission to use it as I see fit in this post. Everything below is excerpted (I cut a lot out and it's still a super-long post; the whole talk was really good) from Will's final written draft, which does differ slightly from what he actually said at the pulpit, in case any of my readers were in attendance at the meeting:

Travel back in time with me to the spring of 1999. Many of you in the congregation were probably in grade school, or perhaps junior high, but I was finishing my freshman year at BYU in Provo, UT and was waiting for the envelope containing my official "call" and assignment as a missionary to arrive in the mail. It came sometime in March and I learned that I was assigned to the Spain Las Palmas Mission, that is, the Canary Islands—but that isn’t the part that is important right now. The part that matters right now is the date that I was asked to come to the Missionary Training Center, which happened to be May 19th, 1999. You see, there was this thing called Star Wars...I cannot overemphasize how big of a deal Star Wars was to me...

Now imagine my dismay and confusion when, while on the phone with my older brother in March of 1999 and telling him about my mission call, hearing him utter "wait, you go into the MTC on May 19th? Isn't that the day the new Star Wars movie comes out?" Now I was giddy and wide-eyed about getting my mission assignment that day but despite all that, I admit that my heart sank a little when those words came out of my brother's mouth. Indeed, there was a disturbance in The Force.

You see, at nineteen years old, I still loved Star Wars. It was a narrative tradition that felt very closely linked with my concept of myself as a person, my relationships with the people I cared about most, and my concept of our family. But there was this other narrative tradition, this other collection of stories and characters that had always already been a part of my existence and was ingrained in my self-concept and my understanding of relationships and family: you know, the narrative tradition about Jesus. Along with my early memories of going to see The Return of the Jedi, I have this early recollection of my mom reading to us from a New Testament picture book...in this fertile ground, the seed of my faith in Jesus Christ was planted at an early age, and by the time I was eighteen, even though it wasn’t something that came naturally to me, I felt that going on a full time mission was what I needed to do to follow Him at this stage in my life. Though this sounds lame and I knew “paying Him back” was impossible, I felt like I “owed it” to Jesus.

But now I was faced with a conundrum. In the past, there had never been any discord or disharmony between Star Wars and my efforts, such as they were, to follow Jesus Christ. Quite the contrary. But now there was a problem. Everybody knows missionaries can't watch movies and I couldn't go see the long-anticipated (at least ten years) Star Wars movie and get to the MTC on the day I was assigned. I was going to have to choose. I was going to have to make a sacrifice. I chose Jesus... 

Some things are more important than others. And as such, sometimes we must make sacrifices. I sacrificed seeing the movie I wanted to see more than any other for two years. But I also sacrificed seeing my family for two years, seeing my older sister’s wedding, seeing my little brother play high school football, things that mean more to me than waiting to see the new Star Wars, in retrospect. But even these sacrifices feel like they were worth it for the wealth of experience and the opportunity I had to serve the Lord as a full-time missionary. 

And I think this is how sacrifice usually works. It is simply a matter of priorities. Some things are just more important than others and as far as I can tell, our relationship with God and taking upon ourselves the name of Christ are the most important things...as we give up things “for the sake of Christ” we will ultimately gain a higher, truer fulfillment... 

Giving up our sins and seems like an obvious and necessary sacrifice that one must make to follow Christ, but maybe isn’t always as straightforward as it seems in Alma 22. The Lamanite King here talks about giving up “all [his] sins” to know God, and, indeed, this is a sacrifice we must make, but it might not necessarily be something we do all at once in one colossal bonfire on the altar of burning sacrifice. Perhaps when we first become converted like the Lamanite King, such a bulk surrendering of sins might be desirable, and necessary, but it will never end there...continuous repentance and continuous sacrificing of our sins and bad habits to grow ever closer to God will be part of our life as disciples... 

Now, giving up sins and doing necessary work are logical sacrifices we must make to follow Christ and move along on our long journey to inherit the qualities of God. Unfortunately, the sacrifices we will have to make will not always make this much sense. The ultimate and most extreme example of this idea comes in a story of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac in the 22nd chapter of Genesis, where we read in verse 1,
1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.
2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of. 

Now this story has been read and interpreted in a variety of different ways, but right now I’d like to not focus on the parallels of Christ’s Atonement and ignore the issue of God’s feelings about homicide—I really don’t think that that’s what the story is really about, anyway—and focus on the concept of sacrifice, as in Abraham was asked to make a big one. And not just a big sacrifice, but one that didn’t really seem to make sense. Why should Abraham have to choose between being loyal to God and the life of his son?  This was the son that God gave to Sarah when she was too old to have children (Gen. 18), why should she have to lose him for the couple to follow God? It doesn’t seem to make sense to us because raising a son you love seems consistent with God’s desires for us, in fact the Lord pretty much made this clear to Abraham and Sarah in earlier revelations. Unlike the sins Lamoni’s father gave up, Isaac was not inconsistent with the ways of Godliness. But, as harsh as this sounds, raising Isaac also wasn’t exactly at the core of God’s eternal truth either. The restored gospel teaches that Isaac’s existence isn’t limited by his mortal life, just like Abraham and Sarah’s. In the Pearl of Great Price’s Book of Abraham, Joseph Smith revealed that Abraham received knowledge of the eternal nature of souls. 

So, even though it is nice to have family members with us during this mortal existence, there are more important things, namely following the Lord and developing our relationship with Him. And I think this is really what God is trying to teach Abraham with this experience. Verse one talks about God “tempting” Abraham, but “testing” is probably a better translation. Through this trial, the Lord forced Abraham to evaluate his priorities: what was more important--his devotion to God or continuing to enjoy the company of his son during mortality? And of course, once Abraham revealed his priorities and proved his loyalty, Isaac was spared...one really important thing this story teaches us is how closely related the concept of faith is to our ability to sacrifice. When the chips are down, how much do we really trust in God and the truths the Holy Ghost has taught us about our ultimate destiny as children of divine parentage? 

Gratefully, we will never be asked to make the kind of sacrifice that Abraham did. But circumstances may require us to give up good things that we cherish and which are generally consistent with the gospel in order to follow Christ. Maybe some of you have had to give up a romantic relationship because you couldn’t proceed any further and follow Christ in the way you felt you needed to. Maybe you’ve had to give up a job, a sport, or a hobby that you liked because continuing to do so would prevent you from observing the Sabbath. Or maybe you’ve had to give up a family member or friend to an early death and had to resist the temptation to become angry at God. In each of these situations, it is too easy to say, "Hey God, I’m really doing the best I can trying to follow Christ and stuff, how come you can’t make my girlfriend feel the spirit and want to join the church? How come you can’t make the soccer league change their stupid policies and quite scheduling games on Sunday? How come you just can’t make the cancer go away?" Good questions, all. But the sad truth is, I don’t think that’s how God works. We live in a fallen world, subject to death, decay, and the consequences of the less-than-ideal choices of others. I believe the Lord certainly can intervene in our daily lives if some greater purpose requires it, but all too often, He needs us to simply deal with the less than perfect world we're given to live in as mortals so we can learn to truly love and understand the eternal things, the important things, the things that this fallen world can never take away from us.
Remember that our Lord made the greatest sacrifice of all in order to secure our eternity. He even admitted that would have preferred to have not suffered that much, asking in Matthew 26:39, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." Alas, it was not possible. So he took it, all of it to the last bitter drop, because something was more important than his comfort and health. We were. 

With this in mind, how dare we lay claim to his sacrifice and call ourselves followers of Christ if we are unwilling to give up these little things we enjoy in mortality—little things that can certainly seem like big things, definitely, but in the broader scheme of things, little things indeed—how can we follow Christ if we are unwilling to emulate him in the smallest of ways and make necessary sacrifices? 

Fortunately, the "good news" is, we can trust that through God’s love and the Atoning sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ, all of the pain we must experience in this life, all of the injustice and suffering and unfair sacrifices we will have to make will eventually be consumed and melted away by the divine light of godly love and joy. I don’t think it is a coincidence that this great and ultimate redemption is made possible only through the Atonement of Christ—through a divine sacrifice... 

So if I can bring things full circle and return to Star Wars, I can say that, knowing what I know now, my so-called sacrifice of delaying seeing the first "prequel," Episode I: The Phantom Menace, was really not much of a sacrifice at all. I mean, as many of you know, it wasn’t really very good. And then Episode II came and was arguably even worse...you know, maybe God was doing me a favor by sending me into the MTC on May 19th, 1999. And I think that is usually how the ordeal of making sacrifices often works. It may be quite painful for a moment—and, I admit, that so-called "moment" may even be several years—but that moment passes and soon the greater glory that we as children of Heavenly Parents all have in store melts away that pain, confusion, and frustration, and our sacrifice hardly seems like much of a big deal at all. Because some things are just more important than others.

When I have grown a foot or two

Some friends invited me over Tuesday night to facilitate a missionary visit with their new roommate (another adult male must be present when LDS* Elders visit women). It was the first time I'd had that experience in quite a while, and it was awesome. Some things I loved in particular:

--Both Elders were from Missouri, including one from Independence! The LDS-Missouri relationship has come a long way since the 1838 extermination order. The other Elder is from Joplin, and has heard of Purdy, the tiny town in SW Missouri where my grandpa lives.
--My friends are admirably bold, and extremely welcoming. Their new roommate has only lived with them two or three weeks, and has already been to church with them and met with the missionaries.
--This new roommate of theirs is a delight. She's a graduate student from China, studying world religions. She's incredibly smart but very humble. She's met with missionaries in the past, has read the entire Book of Mormon, and knew the answer to every question asked, and then some. (Example: "Do you know what a prophet is?" "Thomas Monson is your current prophet.")
--In commenting on the testimony meeting she attended the previous Sunday, she said (paraphrasing here--wish I could remember her exact words, they were very profound), "Everyone said they know the church is true, and they know the Book of Mormon is true, and they know Thomas Monson is a prophet...but that is just the result. Nobody talked about the process." Something for all of us to keep in mind when sharing our testimonies--don't just declare what you know to be true, but tell how you know it.

Missionary work has been on my mind more than usual lately. July 4th was the 12th anniversary of my return from my two-year mission, which always causes me to reflect on the time I spent preaching the gospel in Scotland. The week before that, my parents received a mission call. They will be serving in the New Mexico Farmington Mission! The whole family was thrown off a little by the distance--the surprisingly close distance of their area of labor, and the surprisingly far distance of their start date (about two months later than expected)--but we're all very excited. They have been told that their main assignment will be in the local employment center, with some welfare and addiction recovery duties, but that their mission president will also adjust their responsibilities as needed.

Hofmanns have a long missionary history, but there were likely none greater than my great-grandfather Karl, the first Hofmann in my bloodline to join the church. His daughter compiled a short autobiography from his journals, and there are some really cool stories in there.

Born and raised in Germany, Karl attended a Protestant church with his family. He was "confirmed" at 14, after which he was

...permitted to partake of the "Lord's Supper" for the first time. Now we were considered to be full members of the Protestant church of the state in which we lived. We were also entitled to learn to smoke and drink beer and wine...under those circumstances who could suppose that this custom was against the mind and will of God? Headaches on Monday, however, convinced me soon that this usage was not the best one, but I had the power to overcome only after I heard the Elder's message about the Word of Wisdom, and after I had asked the Lord to help me overcome.

After college Karl moved to Switzerland, where he met Mormon missionaries for the first time. He investigated the church for a year, devouring every piece of literature that had been translated into German:

After I had read the Book of Mormon I knew that it was true and that I had found the true Church on earth. I decided to join the Church, but I also thought not to join  alone. I thought that if I gave the Book of Mormon to the pastor who instructed me in school and to my parents, brothers and sister, they also would join with me or before me. This did not happen; I received booklets written against the Church. Thereupon I went to Germany to tell all my relatives that those booklets are not true, but that the Church is true.

Karl, 28 years old at the time, still followed through and was baptized, though his family did not join with him. He was a faithful convert:

As soon as a principle of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ was explained to me and I understood it, seeing that it was revealed from heaven and recorded in scripture, I began to keep it. Several months before baptism I began to pay an honest tithing and to keep the Word of Wisdom for I knew that these two laws of the Church are righteous laws and of God.

The Word of Wisdom seems to have been a favorite topic for Karl:

In Lucerne I worked for the architectural firm, Theiller & Helper...I went to Andermatt to supervise the construction of the [Central Hotel]. The owner of the hotel tried to reconvert me to smoking and drinking...once he gave me a bottle of liquor. In his presence I used it to wash my body and told him that is what liquor is good for.

There are several other stories of his friends and colleagues unsuccessfully tempting him to violate the Word of Wisdom (and usually becoming hostile towards him when they failed), but I will stop here for now, because the post is already quite long, and because if I recounted here how he lost his leg in World War I, the title of this post would seem more like a cruel joke, rather than a reference to a cheesy Primary song.

But there is plenty more, which I plan to share on my blog over the coming weeks and months. My great-grandpa was committed to the Lord and His church 100%, but even more impressively he was fully committed to sharing what he knew with everyone else. He was absolutely fearless in doing so. If we need some encouragement to do the same, there are friends, ancestors, and the scriptures (including this week's Sunday School lesson) whose examples can give us strength.


*There's a good chance that everyone who reads my blog is a Mormon; but just in case, if anyone needs clarification on any words or phrases used here or in my other posts, or has any questions about anything related to the LDS Church, feel free to contact me or leave a comment.

Apostolic power rankings

Last month, I started seeing social media posts indicating that the LDS Church had set up official Facebook pages for each member of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I immediately became curious which of "the brethren" would get the most Likes. Almost as quickly, I realized this would make for a fun blog post.

I gave it a couple weeks to make sure the results were more accurate, and now it's finally time. I promise I have not checked the numbers on any of the pages yet. Before I do, here's my projected order, from most "Likes" to fewest.

PROJECTED ORDER

1. President Thomas S. Monson: They all have official pages on LDS.org too, which I'm linking to in this section. This first one is a no-brainer...the most visible one, the public face of the church, the one who's been in the First Presidency for 30 years, the one that families pray for by name...I'll be shocked if he doesn't have at least 25% more Likes than his nearest "rival."
2. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: Two or three years ago, I would've expected Pres. Uchtdorf to be a little lower on the list. But he keeps giving memorable talk after memorable talk (and most of them aren't even about aviation anymore). When you add in his accent (intelligible Schwarzenegger) and his looks (Pierce Brosnan with gray hair), there's something for everyone to Like.
3. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Every six months, he gives what turns out to be the favorite General Conference talk of many people. Probably the most charismatic and dynamic man on this list.
4. Elder David A. Bednar: For the first few years after his call to the Twelve, I would jokingly refer to Elder Bednar as the "Tiger Beat Apostle" due to his boyish appearance (at least compared to his graying/balding/jowely colleagues). He's showing his age a little more these days, and Uchtdorf has surpassed him in terms of physical appearance-based popularity. But he still gets a TON of adoration from his "tender mercies" talk, and his stint as president of Ricks/BYU-Idaho earned him a very devoted "fanbase."
5. President Boyd K. Packer: If there was a "Dislike" button on these pages, there's no doubt President Packer would have the highest number in that category. But the polarization he inspires will likely cause his supporters to rally around him, and I expect his page to have many Likes.
6. President Henry B. Eyring: His spot in the First Presidency gives him a more prominent role at General Conference, but he doesn't have the personality of a Holland or a Perry. He was also president of Ricks, but longer ago, so fewer of his students will be active on Facebook. This seems like the right spot for him.
7. Elder Dallin H. Oaks: Elders Oaks and Nelson were called to the Twelve about a month apart, so I expect them to be neck and neck on the list. I expect a slight edge for Oaks because of his connection to and sermons on religious liberty. People with strong political ideologies LOVE Facebook.
8. Elder Russell M. Nelson: However, Elder Nelson's "Ask the missionaries" became a viral meme of sorts, so that may have earned him more social netowrk Likes than some of his brethren.
9. Elder L. Tom Perry: He seems about 20 years younger than he really is. He is very, very tall. He pronounces words like "Mormon" and "corner" in an endearing way. These are all Likeable things.
10. Elder M. Russell Ballard: Elder Ballard has always been a proponent of embracing new technologies, so maybe I'm underrating his chances here. But I don't think so.
11. Elder Richard G. Scott: Elder Scott is best known for his Conference talks, where he seems to look not just into your eyes but also your soul, and calls you to repentance. His goal seems to be to make us uncomfortable in a way that leads to positive change. This is obviously a good thing, an important thing, but it might not generate a lot of Likes.
12. Elder Robert D. Hales: He gets the nod over the rest because he's more tenured and more well-known, but that's the only reason. People are happy that his health seems to be improving, but I never hear these same people commenting on his personality or his talks.
13. Elder D. Todd Christofferson: Elder Cook has a little more time in the Twelve, but I feel Elder Christofferson was more prominent during their time in the Seventy.
14. Elder Quentin L. Cook: Almost six years as an Apostle now for Elder Cook, but he's still not that well-known. I bet a lot of people still confuse him with Gene R. Cook.
15. Elder Neil L. Andersen: The newest and least-known member of the Quorum. He also doesn't seem to have a particularly dynamic personality. I'm most confident in being right on my pick for #1; beyond that, this is the one I'm most confident I got right.

If these church leaders know about their Facebook pages, and that you can basically become an official fan of them now, they probably aren't too keen on it. It probably seems too much like James and John seeking to be promised places on the Lord's right and left hand, which created resentment among the rest of the Twelve.

I'm also not a fan of Facebook "Likes," but for a different reason--once you Like something, you have to Like everything. If I take the trouble to Like a band or a TV show or anything else, I'm making a statement and taking a stand. If I go out of my way to Like Arrested Development but not Parks and Recreation, it's as if I'm saying I don't care for the latter show. So I choose to be a Facebook fencesitter and severely limit my Likes. I like (and love, even) all 15 of these men, but I don't capital-L Like them, if you know what I mean.

But if I did...here's the order I would Like them in.

MY ORDER

1. President Henry B. Eyring: I love his talks. I love how, when teaching a principle, he says things like "You will find as you do so..." rather than saying things like "I hope you will..." or "May we all..." I love that he has such tremendous faith and confidence in us to do the right thing.
2. President Thomas S. Monson: If there had been any lingering doubts on whether Monson, Uchtdorf, or Holland should get the #2 spot, they were washed away during the recent missionary broadcast, when they showed the clip from one of Pres. Monson's old talks. I found it electrifying, and was surprised that I had never heard that story before. He had the same passion, enthusiasm and spirit that he does now, coupled with the energy and vitality of a man literally 20+ years younger. I thought the clip could've been as much as 35 years old, but it turns out that it was from 1990.
3. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Narrowly edges Pres. Uchtdorf because he looks like my dad.
4. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: I like him and Elder Holland for all the same reasons listed above.
5. Elder Dallin H. Oaks: As someone who puts a lot of effort into trying to be funny, it bothers me to hear people laugh at anything in General Conference that they think might have been a joke, even if it's not funny at all. I get that they do it out of respect for the age and position of the speaker, but I don't like it. On the other hand...Elder Oaks frequently makes what he thinks is a good joke, pauses for laughter that doesn't come, then soldiers on with his talk. I find it endearing.
6. Elder L. Tom Perry: As mentioned above, the way he pronounces "Mormon" (as "Marmun") will never get old.
7. Elder M. Russell Ballard: One of my favorite speakers. I'm surprised his talks don't get mentioned even close to as often as those given by Holland, Bednar, etc.
8. Elder David A. Bednar: Most of the time his sermons seem overly clinical to me. By far my favorite talk he's ever given was from a few conferences ago, when he told the story of his father's conversion, because he gave a rare glimpse of real emotion. I hope he starts doing that more often.
9. Elder Russell M. Nelson: Elder Nelson and I go way back. I've never felt as blinded before as the night of my seminary graduation, held at the Assembly Hall at Temple Square (back then we did it as a full seminary, rather than in stakes--we had about 300 graduates total). Elder Nelson is the grandfather of one of my classmates, and he and I were two of the four speakers. When the apostle rose to speak, hundreds of camera flashes went off. It was amazing. However, I can't rank him higher than this--as a reader of footnotes, it's hard for me to study his talks in the Conference issue of the Ensign, as they typically have three or four or more footnotes per paragraph.
10. Elder Richard G. Scott: I don't always make needed changes when Elder Scott's gaze bores into my soul, and I definitely don't write down thoughts and impressions I get as often as he counsels us to, but I know there is tremendous value in the things he teaches most frequently. It's also incredibly obvious how much he loves his family and how much he misses his family members who have died, and I really like that.
11. Elder D. Todd Christofferson: Conversely to Elder Nelson, Elder Christofferson rises a few places because of Ensign footnotes. Instead of dozens of scripture references, his talks usually just have a handful of footnotes, and they're long and meaty. Reading his notes is almost like reading a second talk.
12. Elder Quentin L. Cook: Again, his tenure has been fairly nondescript so far, but I do remember "Hope ya know, we had a hard time," and that's one more talk of his than of Elder Andersen's that I can easily recall.
13. President Boyd K. Packer: I will always love his older parables, especially "The Mediator" and ESPECIALLY "Spiritual Crocodiles." And I don't really disagree with anything he has preached in recent years. But dang--there has to be a kinder, more loving way to deliver those messages. Oh yeah, there is--and it's employed by pretty much every other apostle.
14. Elder Robert D. Hales: I like that he talks about sports and living in New ork sometimes, but it's not enough to get him a higher spot on my hypothetical list.
15. Elder Neil L. Andersen: He's still just too new. He's practically a cipher compared to the more senior members of his quorum.

And now, without further adieu, the...

ACTUAL ORDER

1. President Thomas S. Monson: 36, 412 Likes (all numbers as of approx. 12:45 PM on July 5, 2013)
2. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: 15,921
3. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: 14,667
4. President Henry B. Eyring: 13,068
5. Elder David A. Bednar: 11,592
6. Elder Dallin H. Oaks: 9,752
7. Elder Richard G. Scott: 9.659
8. Elder D. Todd Christofferson: 9,575
9. Elder Russell M. Nelson: 9.417
10. Elder L. Tom Perry: 9.384
11. Elder Neil L. Andersen: 9,138
12. Elder M. Russell Ballard: 9,102
13. Elder Quentin L. Cook: 9,005
14. Elder Robert D. Hales: 8.837
15. President Boyd K. Packer: 8,652

The gap between President Monson and the rest is far greater than I thought it would be, and there are far fewer total Likes than I anticipated. There's some bunching in the middle, so this order could change fairly quickly.

This post has been somewhat irreverent, but I do reverence these men and the positions they hold. I know they were all called of God, and are true prophets and apostles in the same way that Noah, Moses, Peter, Paul and others were anciently.

This week's Sunday School lesson covers several revelations on the Priesthood, including some that outline the various divisions, offices, and quorums within the Priesthood (including the First Presidency and the Twelve). So study up on that when you get a chance. But in the meantime...which rankings (from any of the lists) did you find most surprising?

Hoffmann of the Month: July

As one of the biggest grilling days of the year rapidly approaches, I've selected a very fitting "Hoffmann of the Month" for July--the Hofmann Sausage Company!

As you can see on the above logo, Hofmann has been making and selling hot dogs from their Syracuse headquarters for over 130 years. I'm quite certain I saw some of their dogs in various bodegas while living in New York City, but for some reason they haven't been on my radar at all since I started giving out these monthly honors two years ago.

But then my sister Lori got my dad a Hofmann gift pack for Father's Day, and bought a bottle of their mustard for everyone in the family (thanks Lo!), and I knew I had found a perfect fit for this month's HOTM recipient. Check out this fantastic commercial:

For most of its history, Hofmann Sausage Co. has been content to limit the reach of "America's Greatest Hot Dog" to a single region of America. That all changed last year, when the family-owned company was acquired by a larger food conglomerate. Before long, Hofmann was using competitive eating legend Takeru Kobayashi as a brand ambassador, and a "Hofmann Hots" restaurant opened in Dallas earlier this year. (You can read a traditional review here, and a more tongue-in-cheek one here.)

But this expansion has not been without controversy. A few months ago the CEO stepped down amidst allegations that he created a fake job for his alleged mistress. (This likely explains why their homepage doesn't seem to have been updated since October 2012.)

Scandals aside, I can't wait to try some Hofmann Hot Dogs with my family this weekend. My family's connection to New York hot dogs doesn't quite go back to 1879, but back in 2009 I was in a hot dog eating contest. I chronicled it on my old blog:

1st training post
2nd training post
3rd training post
Final training post
Contest recap--with lots of pictures!

Ahh, memories. Congrats again to Hofmann Sausage Co. for being the very deserving "wiener" of July's "Hoffmann of the Month" honor!