OxyMormon

By now, most of you have probably seen the updated version of "Ironic," Alanis Morissette's 1996 pop hit. The new version "corrects" the lyrics, so that the disappointing-but-not-ironic scenarios Alanis sang about now match more closely the traditional definition of irony. The singers even include the line, "We fixed it for you, Alanis. You're welcome."

Here's the thing that I find ironic, though: the new song (or at least the video) stinks. The singing is ok at best, but the quality of the audio recording and of the video production are very poor. There are several instances where the lip-synching doesn't match up with the track. And while the original may have been linguistically dubious, the song itself didn't need any fixing: it's Ms. Morissette's biggest hit of all time (going off of peak chart position on the Billboard Hot 100), and will likely still be a karaoke bar staple 50 years from now.

Sidenote: can you believe Alanis is only 39? Seems like she should be much older than that by now. This means she was only 17 when she toured as Vanilla Ice's opening act. I like several Alanis songs, but my all-time favorite is a song she did as a joke. Is that ironic? It's so hard to tell anymore.

So a song called "Ironic" that lists a bunch of things that aren't ironic...that's an oxymoron, right? In the same way the unironicness of the song drove some people crazy, I have a bone to pick with most supposed oxymorons. For example, check out this site. On the Google search page, the title shows as "Oxymoron List--Funny Examples of Oxymorons." When you click on it, though, you see no mention of the word "funny," which is good, because these aren't.

I've always disliked the oxymorons that are lame attempts at jokes, like "airline food" or "army intelligence." Then there are the ones that, sure, are oxymoronic, but nobody actually says them--ones like "anticipated serendipity" or "arrogant humility." And apparently, on this list, you even get some that are downright racist, like "Aunt Jemima Light." (I pretty much only looked at the "A" page, if you couldn't tell.)

No, I prefer oxymorons that are actual things, but have contradictory titles, like "jumbo shrimp" and "Dodge Ram." My all time favorite is Liberty Jail, where the prophet Joseph Smith and several colleagues were imprisoned for several months. Joseph's experiences there, and several of the revelations that ensued, form the crux of this week's Sunday School lesson.

If Liberty Jail is the best overall oxymoron, then by default it's also the best "oxyMormon"--an oxymoron derived from the lexicon of the LDS Church. But it's certainly not the only one.

[After I began writing this post, I Googled "oxymormon," hoping that I was the first to coin the term but doubtful that I was. Turns out it's been around for at least 20 years, though most if not all usage of it is as a title for "nontraditional" Mormons--liberal Mormons, Mormon feminists, etc. To me there is no inherent contradiction in these terms, so they are not true oxymorons.]

The classic Saturday Night Live character Linda Richman thought MoTab was an oxyMormon. Watch, if for no other reason than to hear Mike Myers say "tabble-nacker" instead of Tabernacle.

A few more that I came up with after just a few minutes of brainstorming:

--for many, the Sabbath is hardly a "day of rest"

--the scriptures speak of the "great and terrible day of the Lord"

--they also teach that the Father and the Son are one, but also distinct beings

--when you're really hungry, "fast Sunday" is anything but

--male Mormon missionaries, many now as young as 18, are called Elder

Got any of your own oxyMormons? I'd love to hear them!