Apostolic power rankings

Last month, I started seeing social media posts indicating that the LDS Church had set up official Facebook pages for each member of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I immediately became curious which of "the brethren" would get the most Likes. Almost as quickly, I realized this would make for a fun blog post.

I gave it a couple weeks to make sure the results were more accurate, and now it's finally time. I promise I have not checked the numbers on any of the pages yet. Before I do, here's my projected order, from most "Likes" to fewest.

PROJECTED ORDER

1. President Thomas S. Monson: They all have official pages on LDS.org too, which I'm linking to in this section. This first one is a no-brainer...the most visible one, the public face of the church, the one who's been in the First Presidency for 30 years, the one that families pray for by name...I'll be shocked if he doesn't have at least 25% more Likes than his nearest "rival."
2. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: Two or three years ago, I would've expected Pres. Uchtdorf to be a little lower on the list. But he keeps giving memorable talk after memorable talk (and most of them aren't even about aviation anymore). When you add in his accent (intelligible Schwarzenegger) and his looks (Pierce Brosnan with gray hair), there's something for everyone to Like.
3. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Every six months, he gives what turns out to be the favorite General Conference talk of many people. Probably the most charismatic and dynamic man on this list.
4. Elder David A. Bednar: For the first few years after his call to the Twelve, I would jokingly refer to Elder Bednar as the "Tiger Beat Apostle" due to his boyish appearance (at least compared to his graying/balding/jowely colleagues). He's showing his age a little more these days, and Uchtdorf has surpassed him in terms of physical appearance-based popularity. But he still gets a TON of adoration from his "tender mercies" talk, and his stint as president of Ricks/BYU-Idaho earned him a very devoted "fanbase."
5. President Boyd K. Packer: If there was a "Dislike" button on these pages, there's no doubt President Packer would have the highest number in that category. But the polarization he inspires will likely cause his supporters to rally around him, and I expect his page to have many Likes.
6. President Henry B. Eyring: His spot in the First Presidency gives him a more prominent role at General Conference, but he doesn't have the personality of a Holland or a Perry. He was also president of Ricks, but longer ago, so fewer of his students will be active on Facebook. This seems like the right spot for him.
7. Elder Dallin H. Oaks: Elders Oaks and Nelson were called to the Twelve about a month apart, so I expect them to be neck and neck on the list. I expect a slight edge for Oaks because of his connection to and sermons on religious liberty. People with strong political ideologies LOVE Facebook.
8. Elder Russell M. Nelson: However, Elder Nelson's "Ask the missionaries" became a viral meme of sorts, so that may have earned him more social netowrk Likes than some of his brethren.
9. Elder L. Tom Perry: He seems about 20 years younger than he really is. He is very, very tall. He pronounces words like "Mormon" and "corner" in an endearing way. These are all Likeable things.
10. Elder M. Russell Ballard: Elder Ballard has always been a proponent of embracing new technologies, so maybe I'm underrating his chances here. But I don't think so.
11. Elder Richard G. Scott: Elder Scott is best known for his Conference talks, where he seems to look not just into your eyes but also your soul, and calls you to repentance. His goal seems to be to make us uncomfortable in a way that leads to positive change. This is obviously a good thing, an important thing, but it might not generate a lot of Likes.
12. Elder Robert D. Hales: He gets the nod over the rest because he's more tenured and more well-known, but that's the only reason. People are happy that his health seems to be improving, but I never hear these same people commenting on his personality or his talks.
13. Elder D. Todd Christofferson: Elder Cook has a little more time in the Twelve, but I feel Elder Christofferson was more prominent during their time in the Seventy.
14. Elder Quentin L. Cook: Almost six years as an Apostle now for Elder Cook, but he's still not that well-known. I bet a lot of people still confuse him with Gene R. Cook.
15. Elder Neil L. Andersen: The newest and least-known member of the Quorum. He also doesn't seem to have a particularly dynamic personality. I'm most confident in being right on my pick for #1; beyond that, this is the one I'm most confident I got right.

If these church leaders know about their Facebook pages, and that you can basically become an official fan of them now, they probably aren't too keen on it. It probably seems too much like James and John seeking to be promised places on the Lord's right and left hand, which created resentment among the rest of the Twelve.

I'm also not a fan of Facebook "Likes," but for a different reason--once you Like something, you have to Like everything. If I take the trouble to Like a band or a TV show or anything else, I'm making a statement and taking a stand. If I go out of my way to Like Arrested Development but not Parks and Recreation, it's as if I'm saying I don't care for the latter show. So I choose to be a Facebook fencesitter and severely limit my Likes. I like (and love, even) all 15 of these men, but I don't capital-L Like them, if you know what I mean.

But if I did...here's the order I would Like them in.

MY ORDER

1. President Henry B. Eyring: I love his talks. I love how, when teaching a principle, he says things like "You will find as you do so..." rather than saying things like "I hope you will..." or "May we all..." I love that he has such tremendous faith and confidence in us to do the right thing.
2. President Thomas S. Monson: If there had been any lingering doubts on whether Monson, Uchtdorf, or Holland should get the #2 spot, they were washed away during the recent missionary broadcast, when they showed the clip from one of Pres. Monson's old talks. I found it electrifying, and was surprised that I had never heard that story before. He had the same passion, enthusiasm and spirit that he does now, coupled with the energy and vitality of a man literally 20+ years younger. I thought the clip could've been as much as 35 years old, but it turns out that it was from 1990.
3. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Narrowly edges Pres. Uchtdorf because he looks like my dad.
4. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: I like him and Elder Holland for all the same reasons listed above.
5. Elder Dallin H. Oaks: As someone who puts a lot of effort into trying to be funny, it bothers me to hear people laugh at anything in General Conference that they think might have been a joke, even if it's not funny at all. I get that they do it out of respect for the age and position of the speaker, but I don't like it. On the other hand...Elder Oaks frequently makes what he thinks is a good joke, pauses for laughter that doesn't come, then soldiers on with his talk. I find it endearing.
6. Elder L. Tom Perry: As mentioned above, the way he pronounces "Mormon" (as "Marmun") will never get old.
7. Elder M. Russell Ballard: One of my favorite speakers. I'm surprised his talks don't get mentioned even close to as often as those given by Holland, Bednar, etc.
8. Elder David A. Bednar: Most of the time his sermons seem overly clinical to me. By far my favorite talk he's ever given was from a few conferences ago, when he told the story of his father's conversion, because he gave a rare glimpse of real emotion. I hope he starts doing that more often.
9. Elder Russell M. Nelson: Elder Nelson and I go way back. I've never felt as blinded before as the night of my seminary graduation, held at the Assembly Hall at Temple Square (back then we did it as a full seminary, rather than in stakes--we had about 300 graduates total). Elder Nelson is the grandfather of one of my classmates, and he and I were two of the four speakers. When the apostle rose to speak, hundreds of camera flashes went off. It was amazing. However, I can't rank him higher than this--as a reader of footnotes, it's hard for me to study his talks in the Conference issue of the Ensign, as they typically have three or four or more footnotes per paragraph.
10. Elder Richard G. Scott: I don't always make needed changes when Elder Scott's gaze bores into my soul, and I definitely don't write down thoughts and impressions I get as often as he counsels us to, but I know there is tremendous value in the things he teaches most frequently. It's also incredibly obvious how much he loves his family and how much he misses his family members who have died, and I really like that.
11. Elder D. Todd Christofferson: Conversely to Elder Nelson, Elder Christofferson rises a few places because of Ensign footnotes. Instead of dozens of scripture references, his talks usually just have a handful of footnotes, and they're long and meaty. Reading his notes is almost like reading a second talk.
12. Elder Quentin L. Cook: Again, his tenure has been fairly nondescript so far, but I do remember "Hope ya know, we had a hard time," and that's one more talk of his than of Elder Andersen's that I can easily recall.
13. President Boyd K. Packer: I will always love his older parables, especially "The Mediator" and ESPECIALLY "Spiritual Crocodiles." And I don't really disagree with anything he has preached in recent years. But dang--there has to be a kinder, more loving way to deliver those messages. Oh yeah, there is--and it's employed by pretty much every other apostle.
14. Elder Robert D. Hales: I like that he talks about sports and living in New ork sometimes, but it's not enough to get him a higher spot on my hypothetical list.
15. Elder Neil L. Andersen: He's still just too new. He's practically a cipher compared to the more senior members of his quorum.

And now, without further adieu, the...

ACTUAL ORDER

1. President Thomas S. Monson: 36, 412 Likes (all numbers as of approx. 12:45 PM on July 5, 2013)
2. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: 15,921
3. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: 14,667
4. President Henry B. Eyring: 13,068
5. Elder David A. Bednar: 11,592
6. Elder Dallin H. Oaks: 9,752
7. Elder Richard G. Scott: 9.659
8. Elder D. Todd Christofferson: 9,575
9. Elder Russell M. Nelson: 9.417
10. Elder L. Tom Perry: 9.384
11. Elder Neil L. Andersen: 9,138
12. Elder M. Russell Ballard: 9,102
13. Elder Quentin L. Cook: 9,005
14. Elder Robert D. Hales: 8.837
15. President Boyd K. Packer: 8,652

The gap between President Monson and the rest is far greater than I thought it would be, and there are far fewer total Likes than I anticipated. There's some bunching in the middle, so this order could change fairly quickly.

This post has been somewhat irreverent, but I do reverence these men and the positions they hold. I know they were all called of God, and are true prophets and apostles in the same way that Noah, Moses, Peter, Paul and others were anciently.

This week's Sunday School lesson covers several revelations on the Priesthood, including some that outline the various divisions, offices, and quorums within the Priesthood (including the First Presidency and the Twelve). So study up on that when you get a chance. But in the meantime...which rankings (from any of the lists) did you find most surprising?