Watch With Jeff: Legacy

[December has been a pretty barren month on the old blog. Wrapping up the semester kept me very busy, and fortunately that coincided with stake conference, then back-to-back weeks with Christmas lessons in Sunday School. This means I didn't actually have to skip any potential BASOTRUSSL posts. This Sunday is the final lesson from the Doctrine and Covenants and Church History curriculum, and it's about Zion. And what could be a better way to get people thinking of Zion than giving the cheesy classic Legacy the "Watch With Jeff" treatment? (Actually, Toyland from my last post has plenty of Zion parallels as well.) I doubt there will be many weeks with two WWJ posts, but one per month going forward seems pretty realistic. Enjoy!]


0:27: If there's one thing you'd expect a boy who lives in a desert to wear, it's a sailor suit. Does he aspire to captain a vessel on the Great Salt Lake?

2:42: There's scant information to be found about the actor who plays the Prophet Joseph Smith. Apparently his name is Tim Gail, and the consensus is that he's gay. I remember back in the late '90s hearing a bunch of rumors about him, that basically centered around him being a disruptive on-set influence, though I can't remember specifics (not like that would make them true even if I could remember). Smith is a minor character in the film; if the rumors have any basis in reality, it's possible they trimmed down the part.

4:35: I've spent a fair amount of time in western Missouri, mostly in the summer...there's definitely a part of me that agrees with Johnny that Missouri couldn't possibly be Zion.

5:32: Snazzy dissolve. Now Eliza is...16?

6:10: I think that's Mike Huckabee's great-great-grandfather conducting that town hall meeting.

7:24: The tarring and feathering of Jacob (unknown last name) is heartwrenching, slightly graphic compared to what you normally see in LDS fare, and the first of a number of events that happened to real people that the movie co-opts into the narrative of this fictional family.

9:52: Nice to meet you, Sister Catherine.

11:30: "Don't just up and join the Church because of a pretty face." Come on--pretty faces are our top advertising tool!

11:55: Yes! They're finally in England--now the movie can really get going.

15:01: The letter--such blatant exposition--I love it.

16:01: The infamous Governor Lilburn Boggs issuing his even more infamous extermination order. It earned him the #7 spot on my list of names Mormon parents will probably never give their children.

18:30: Still don't know if Sister Catherine can speak. I think she whispered to Eliza's father earlier, but I can't be certain. I wonder if there's a "deleted scene" that gives more of her backstory.

20:28: Oh yeah, I forgot about that part. Pretty sure that's her only line. I feel like she should have more of a Scandinavian voice.

23:45: What I meant to say earlier was, "Yes! Now they're back from England!" Now it's really time for the good stuff. #LoveTriangle

28:06-29:03: David Walker is not a master of subtlety, but he gets away with it because he's handsome (and has an accent). Can you imagine if the roles were reversed, and Jacob was trying to woo Eliza away from her fiance? We'd all think he was a creepy jerk that's way too old to be marrying Eliza. (Okay, that last part is probably true.) Instead, the last line of this segment (the "slow down and work just one day in ten") got a huge sitcom laughtrack-style "ooooohhhh" from the audience the first time I saw it in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building theater.

29:15: Classic bro-off--who can saw through the log the fastest, and the prize is a woman. Sanctioned by Joseph Smith, no less. The testosterone is practically oozing from the screen.

30:41: Aaaaand......there goes all the testosterone. This scene just perpetuates the myth that Mormons can't dance. At least Jacob forced his fiancee to dance with her stalker in order to maintain his honor.

32:05: "...and I will make you laugh." This is the line from the movie I quote most often when I'm in a mocking mood, but realistically, it will be my top selling point too if I ever propose marriage.

32:30: David: "Marriage is a grand reward for kindness..." Jacob, popping out from behind a bush: "But it's just recompense for kindness, and getting tarred and feathered, and keeping the family from dying of starvation or malaria, and..." To borrow from that other bastion of Mormon cinema, the Twilight series, I think I'm on Team Jacob a little bit.

34:17: Okay, Jacob, you lost me there with that double negative ("I am not unaware of your feelings..."). All in on Team David. Still, though, classy of Jacob not to smash Brother Walker's head in with the sledgehammer after the limey gave his girl a flower right in front of him.

35:13: Wow, she dumped Jacob and then made him drop her off in front of her new man? Marriage may be a grand reward for kindness, but sparing someone humiliation shouldn't be too grand a prize to ask.

David Walker was kind of a jerk, but it's probably best that Jacob and Eliza didn't marry, and I'm not opposed to this practice in general. Being engaged is quite different from being married. I hometaught a guy at BYU who was engaged to the daughter of emeritus Church Historian Marlin K. Jensen; she had been engaged to another guy when he met her, and I loved hearing him tell the story of how he wooed her away.

36:32: Just what was the defect with that rocking chair, that it took a decade or more for it to finally get repaired? Or is it just that Johnny (rest in peace) was a slacker?

38:22: Boy, that Jacob just can't help but be a buzzkill, can he? Just kidding, that's unfair. As I'm rewatching this now, it turns out Joseph Smith was in the movie more than I remembered. And I kinda dig the performance, in spite of the critics. Some of the line readings were a little weak, but I really liked his look and his bearing. Monday would've been Joseph's 208th birthday. Praise to the man.

43:12: Once when driving to Omaha, my friend Will and I took an accidental detour to Council Bluffs, which apparently now has a reputation for being one of America's biggest hotbeds for crystal meth use. Sad. On an unrelated note, seeing a man outdoors with his face covered in shaving cream reminds me of the Mormon TV ad from the '80s where the dad and his son rush after the garbage truck with their trash bags because the son forgot to take it out. Alas, I can't find it online. Isn't it about...time, that every video ever made was uploaded to the Web?

44:58: I take back what I said at 32:05..."if we ever meet again it'll be Zion to me!" is definitely my go-to line when I want to mock this movie's cheesiness.

48:32: A family struggles with an injured ox, but the rest of the wagon train continues on without offering to help? No wonder some women want to be ordained. But this woman at least has some pretty impressive powers (or at least knows how to access impressive powers) even without ordination.

51:51: Eliza's flower received the exact opposite treatment of the one Elaine Benes was given by her poor boyfriend on an episode of Seinfeld (like David, he plucks it off a cart and hands it to her; Elaine smiles but immediately thinks, "how long do I have to hold this?"), but again I can't find the video. Lousy Internet.

52:52: I was 13 or 14 when I first saw Legacy, in the theater on Temple Square where it debuted. As the movie ended and the lights came up on the 100-plus people in the auditorium, some were crying, some were whispering reverently about the film's message, most were quietly contemplating their faith and the sacrifices made by early Mormon pioneers.

And two rows in front of me, two 20-something girls were giggling and debating whether David or Johnny was hotter. I would never be able to watch Legacy non-sarcastically again. Hope you had fun watching with Jeff!

(There are plenty of stories about real pioneers that I view with solemnity and respect. This one is probably my favorite. (Yes, that's the second James E. Faust link of this post. Loved that guy.) Read it, especially if my cynicism left a sour taste in your mouth.)

Watch With Jeff: Babes In Toyland

Back in September, I promised to do a running diary of the '90s Mormon pioneer movie Legacy, if I ever found an easily accessible version online. Well, I found one. So look for that post coming soon. But not today. Today I'm going to do a running diary of the best bad Christmas movie of all time, the 1986 made-for-TV version of Babes In Toyland. I'm assuming that these two posts will be awesome and that this can become a regular feature, so I'm giving them the title "Watch With Jeff." Enjoy!


0:19: The credits begin--and check out this cast! 11-year-old Drew Barrymore, four years post-E.T. Keanu Reeves, three years pre-Bill & Ted (and 27 years before his new heartwarming family tale, 47 Ronin--in theaters Christmas Day!). Pat Morita, riding high off of his Oscar nomination for Karate Kid the year before. This is going to be great!

2:23: My mom totally had that cookbook. Everyone did. I think it was included in the startup kit you were issued when you moved to suburbia, along with the red Fisher Price car with the yellow roof, and Chicago's Greatest Hits 1982-1989.

2:33: The big names in the credits likely drew most of your attention, but there's a solid supporting cast as well. We'll shout them out as they appear. Here's Jill Schoelen, who didn't have as successful a career as some of her co-stars, but she was engaged to Brad Pitt.

2:42: And here's Eileen Brennan, likely best known to my generation as Mrs. Peacock in Clue. Alas, she passed away last summer.

3:29: "You're a rat." And you're a bad actor. In case you can't tell, Drew, er, I mean, Lisa, is overly mature for her age and doesn't want to be viewed as a kid. This is important.

5:28: Keanu!

6:48: The late, great Richard Mulligan, star of Empty Nest and Neil Diamond's fever dreams. He seems to be riffing throughout the movie, meaning he either never bothered to read the script, or he was drunk/high during filming. Or all of the above.

8:50: Another recurring subplot--Lisa, ostensibly the "good guy," can be quite bratty and meddlesome. Love that old school PA system, though.

9:10: Why don't any of the customers get bags for their purchases? And WHY is that metal door pulled halfway down? I'm guessing that was a production mistake, but Mulligan refused to do a second take.

10:49: This movie is already off to a great start, and now--it's becoming a musical! This song (highlighting the awesomeness that is Cincinnati, probably my favorite recurring theme) is probably the movie's best, so good that they'll sing it again before all is said and done.

12:55: The hapless police bears are probably my favorite of all the citizens of Toyland. I have a lot of favorites.

13:32: "Mary, I really do like the sled, but look--it has wedding cake all over it, I can't possibly use it now!"

14:24: Didn't mention him before, but here's Googy Gress. He's had a long but nondescript acting career, though he did appear in an episode of the great show Pushing Daisies. If this running diary goes viral, maybe enough people will know this movie that I can wear that delightful high-waisted brown ensemble next Halloween. He also has my dream job--chief taster at a cookie factory.

15:17: "He rolls his house right down the street and knocks people over." What?! How can you do that with a house? How does it roll back into place? Sadly, they never show this act of pure villainy.

17:48: Nice job there by Lisa, equating beauty with goodness. Great message for the kids.

18:35: The justice of the peace is rockin' a pretty sweet beard. He would've fit right in with the early LDS apostles.

22:13: Lisa has saved the day! And now she gets her own song from Georgie Porgie, who is already seemingly obsessed with her. Don't worry, their interactions will get much creepier before the movie is over.

22:38: "Let's hear it for the folks who love freedom!" This is--yep, you guessed it--my favorite lyric from this song.

24:10: The bowling ball is surprisingly spacious inside.

25:53: If the bakers carrying the wedding cake had also been on roller skates, they probably could've gotten out of the way before Lisa crashed into it. Just sayin'.

27:30: That's a pretty terrible swing. That goon would never be able to play for the Reds if he ever made it to the greatest city in the world, Cincinnati.

30:24: At least Lisa doesn't want to deny Barnaby the right to get married altogether (a very timely issue). Apparently Mary is okay with Barnaby becoming her stepfather?

31:18: The consequences of Toyland's lax drivers licensing requirements will have consequences later on. #Foreshadowing

32:07: Jack: What do you say to a big kiss?
           Mary: Hello, big kiss!
           Now that is great writing. What's it doing in this movie?

34:51: Can't wait for the L&O spinoff, Law & Order: Grand Cookie Larceny Division.

36:04: When asked if anyone has ever told him about Cincinnati, Justice Grimm speaks for all of us when he asks "Why should they?" Quit cramming Cincinnati down our throats, Cincy-whatsky!

36:39: By far the most ironically funny moment of the movie--the glorifying of Pete Rose (this won't be the last time he's mentioned). Less than a year before this movie was filmed, he became baseball's all-time hit king; less than three years later, he was banned from baseball for life for betting on games.

39:35: Told ya! We finally get to see Mr. Miyagi, and the first thing he does is talk about Pete Rose.

40:00: "Now she can see, and dance, and smile," and creep kids out. Seriously, pretty much every toy in that workshop could cause nightmares.

41:00: For some reason, I'm ok with that Trollog having an al-seeing eye, but I just can't accept that it has the ability to zoom in and out.

45:50: Thank goodness--another song! It had been way too long. Here, we learn that Barnaby's "monsterpiece" involves not only controlling Toyland, but full-on world domination.

50:08: This whole scene is weird--weren't Mary and Lisa just at the cookie factory? Why aren't they concerned that Jack is missing? Why are Lisa and Barnaby pretending to be civil to each other, and why is Barnaby doing a legitimately nice thing like bringing flowers?

51:40: "He's come back for me! Oh no, it's only fatty." This might be the harshest weight joke at Georgie's expense yet, and that includes being called a great, fat lump by Barnaby, and Jack telling him they could cut three heroes out of him.

53:21: Can't decide if "it's time I did something besides cry" or "hold me, just hold me" were Ms. Schoelen's most blatant attempts at being a serious actress and giving her character depth. Keep trying, Mary Contrary.

55:26: That prancing, flapping Trollog is pretty creepy, but still less unnerving than most of the toys lining the walls of the workshop.

58:09: Oh great. Now Ralphie won't even be able to ask for a set of brushes for Christmas without getting a chorus of "you'll paint your eye out!"

59:30: Fighting evil is a job for the young, not the old, and certainly not the job of law enforcement. Lazy police bears. Can't even put on a pair of pants!

1:00:04: That's a pretty intricate trapdoor network Barnaby has there beneath the bowling ball.

1:02:39: So, are we supposed to take from this that the air quality is so bad in Cincinnati, that its citizens develop immunity to all airborne toxins, even the ones that turn people into trolls? Wait, can't think about that right now, they're singing the awesome Cincinnati song again...

1:03:42: ...and it worked! They've all regained their humanity, thanks to the amazing curative powers of Cincinnati!

1:05:09: Keanu may have been 13 years away from realizing he knew kung fu, but he still has a pretty wicked left cross.

1:09:43: I know I've said this so much that it's lost most of its meaning, but this is the beginning of my favorite scene in the movie--arguably the greatest car chase in cinematic history.

1:11:40: Run those last few seconds back again...did you notice that the cars passed each other, and then crashed? I love this movie so much.

1:14:02: Admit it, you were worried we were going to reach the end of the movie without Mr. Miyagi singing. Well your fears were unfounded--everybody gets a song. This seems like a good time to point out that Pat Morita's IMDb page lists eight credits from 2006 on, even though he died in 2005. Chris Farley and Tupac ain't got nothin' on him.

1:17:39: Boy, do those police bears deserve to be fired. But we can't do anything--the Toyland unions are too powerful.

1:18:50: It's weird enough that that lion is wearing an Andre Tippett jersey...but what happened to the Cincinnati love? Why wasn't he in a Tim Krumrie jersey? Though I guess it would be a bit odd for a lion to be dressed as a Bengal tiger.

1:22:16: Police bear, to other police bear: "Uh oh, our supervisor is watching--look busy! Help me lift the latch on this gate."

1:23:52: "Jack not be nimble--Jack be dead!" It was still undecided until this point, but I think we can all now agree unequivocally that Barnaby is the best villain of all time.

1:28:40: Almost unlimited power...I wonder what the Toymaster won't let Justice Grimm do?

1:29:59: Time to get awkward...Georgie's just a little too worked up about Lisa's departure, if you ask me...

1:31:35: ...and Lisa apparently feels the same way. Had she remained in Toyland, I can easily imagine a scenario where things go too far, and the police bears come to take Georgie away. "It's not my fault! She kept saying 'I'm not a child!' You've got to believe me!"

1:32:16: It's in Drew Barrymore's contract that every one of her movies include a shot of something flying in front of the moon. Go ahead, try me. Rewatch Charlie's Angels and Never Been Kissed and tell me I'm wrong.

And that's it. Thanks for joining me on this metaphorical sled ride smack dab into a giant wedding cake. May I wish you the happiest Christmas anyone ever knew!