Punday School

This Sunday's Gospel Doctrine class covers the Book of Judges. There are some great, inspiring stories and characters in the book, like Gideon and Deborah (a female prophet who was friends with a guy named Barak; feel free to consult this post from a few weeks ago for some Obama jokes to either use or brace yourself for, and definitely get ready for at least one derogatory comment about "liberals").

But it's also arguably the book with the highest page-for-page ratio of brutal acts and shocking behavior, and that's really saying something with the Old Testament. The list includes but is not limited to:

--Jael pounding a tent stake through a guy's head, "and fastened it into the ground" (Judg. 4:21)
--Jephthah sacrificing his daughter in order to keep a silly vow he had made (see Judg.11)
--Samson slaying thousands of Philistines single-handedly, including a thousand in one battle using only the jawbone of an ass (see Judg. 14-16)
--a sad, bizarre narrative where the rape and mutilation of a concubine leads to the near-extinction of the tribe of Benjamin (see Judg. 19-21)
--a wicked king so obese that, when a hero slays him with a knife, "the fat closed upon the blade...and the dirt came out" (Judg. 3:22); this one is so out there that the brutality becomes comical

It's not violent like the above examples, but perhaps the most surprising verse is the one in which the aforementioned Samson calls his new bride a cow, and not in a good Johnny Lingo kind of way. When she betrays Samson by revealing the answer to his riddle to their wedding guests, he says, "if ye had not plowed with with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle" (Judg. 14:18).

Ouch. For your enjoyment, here are some more Bible-based riddles. They're also cringe-worthy, but in a different way than Samson's diss.

Q: Who developed a potty mouth at a very early age?
A: Job--he cursed the day of his birth

Q: Who was the best doctor in the Bible?
A: Job--he had the most patience

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, the son of Nun (they're not ALL about Job)

Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A: At the Transfiguration, Jesus said "tell the vision to no man" (Matt. 17:9). Thank goodness it's just a joke--So You Think You Can Dance returns tonight, and it would be terrible if watching Cat Deeley was considered a sin.

Q: What kind of car did the ancient apostles drive?
A: A Honda--they were all "with one Accord" (Acts 1:14, 2:1, etc.)

And, bringing us full circle...

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson--he brought the house down! (Of course, as referred to above, the one time Samson told a joke, he didn't like how his audience responded so he killed 30 people. I'd definitely laugh at his act.)

So study the Book of Judges, because if we all show up to Sunday School "with one accord" seeking to be taught by the spirit, then our testimonies will be strengthened. And that's no joke.