If you've never read the Old Testament and are only familiar with the basics--David and Goliath, Jonah and the whale, Daniel in the lions' den, and the like--you may be surprised to hear that there's a story about a talking donkey. Seriously. As surprising as it is when the rogue prophet Balaam's donkey speaks, what's even more surprising is that Balaam does not seem to be surprised by it (see Num. 22:24-29).
This Sunday in Gospel Doctrine, we have what I'm unofficially calling "the talking donkey lesson." One of the talking points from the study guide says: "On his way to Moab, Balaam tried three times to force his donkey forward...in what way was this like Balaam's relationship with the Lord? What are some modern parallels of individuals and groups stubbornly trying to do what they want rather than submitting to God's will or to the righteous counsel of parents or leaders?"
No matter your feelings on the subject, I bet your first thought was, "somebody is definitely going to bring up Ordain Women." You can feel the awkwardness and thinly veiled hostility now, can't you? And you know that someone, somewhere, in some Sunday School class, will point out that the ass was a female (v. 28) and make a joke about OW supporters being "stubborn as a mule," overlooking the fact that it was Balaam and not the donkey that was stubbornly disobedient.
But let's not sell our Sunday School classmates short. Commenting on parallels to the OW movement is hardly the only way to make this lesson uncomfortable. Here are some more cringeworthy jokes you might hear this Sunday:
"Balaam and the donkey basically swap places in verse 30--the ass speaks, and Balaam says 'nay.'"
"Talking donkey? Was Balaam the inspiration for Shrek or something?" (And then they'll just keep making quips about waffles and parfaits. As annoying as that could get, it might be even more disconcerting if they started quoting Eeyore. That donkey is messed up.)
"So, there's a wicked ruler who didn't like Israel? And his name is 'Balak?' That's clearly a typo."
And once the Balak/Barack comparison gets made for the first time, it's bound to just snowball...
"A donkey that gives wise advice? So different than today's talking Donkeys. Friggin' Democrats."
"Balak/Barack takes Balaam to a mountaintop so he can curse Israel from above? It was the first-ever drone attack!"
"It says Balak/Barack was the son of Zippor (Num. 22:2)--but I thought Clinton was the only president who's Zippor-descended?"
Not gonna lie--that last one is one of my favorite puns I've ever made. If you think of your own jokes, please share them in the comments. I just added word verification, which I know is annoying, but I had received literally hundreds of spam comments in the past 72 hours. I'll change it back in a few weeks and hopefully the problem will be gone.
If you don't want to share your jokes in the comments but would rather make them in class, know that while you may get one groan-inducer in, chances are that when you try to get the teacher to call on you again it will look like this:
I will have to say I'm impressed with your control of limiting your "ass" references in this post. I know I was sharing some notes with my family about this story and used "ass" as much as possible. I'm probably just a bit less mature than you. I find any opportunity to swear biblically where it's totally acceptable is the way to go. But seriously--thanks for this post because this is the seriously best story and I almost missed it--being in Primary and all. So naturally I had to go back and read it. If I had an ass who talked to me I think I would stop talking and perhaps fall over. But hey--it was a different time, right?
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