This Sunday I'll be teaching Sunday School to a class of 80 or so people, substituting for the regular teacher. It will probably be a one-time-only thing, which is too bad, because Sunday School teacher is my favorite position that I've ever held in the LDS Church.
(I'm operating on the assumption that the vast majority of my audience is Mormon, and that an even larger percentage is Christian; if anyone reading this or other posts is confused by or has a question about words or concepts I use, please ask. My faith is an important part of my life but I don't plan to get too preachy on my blog. Keep reading and you'll see what I mean.)
Until about two months ago I was serving as my ward's Sunday School president, setting up teaching schedules, setting up chairs, ringing the bell so class would end on time, stuff like that. Ostensibly to help class members arrive prepared each Sunday but mainly to draw attention to myself, I began posting a weekly blog of sorts to the ward's Google Group that was connected somehow (often very tenuously) to the scripture block that would be discussed that week.
I got a lot of positive feedback, and have missed writing them the last little while. So I'm going to start them up again soon and post them here. We're studying the New Testament this year, and the next few lessons are about the atonement and resurrection of Christ. I'm worried about the potential of being overly sacrilegious in relation to these topics, so I'll wait until we get to the Book of Acts. In the meantime, I'll post a "classic" Sunday School email each week. This one from last December is probably the best one I wrote:
"I have no idea what heaven is like. I can't really imagine it. When I
think about it, I basically picture a lot of good people, just
standing around and talking to each other.
Maybe Moses and Brigham Young like swapping tales of wilderness
wandering. Maybe Nephi and Joseph Smith regale the masses with stories
of their great physical strength. Maybe Abraham Lincoln and King
Benjamin give leadership seminars.
I can totally imagine Old Testament legends Daniel and Joseph engaging
in a little one-upmanship like this:
Daniel: I was taken from the land of my fathers and brought into
captivity in another land.
Joseph: Me too. I endured many hardships in my life, but the Lord
always blessed me, and I continually rose to positions of prominence.
Daniel: Same here. I was given a new name by the king.
Joseph: As was I. What was your new name?
Daniel: Belteshazzar. You?
Joseph: Zaphnath-paaneah.
Daniel: Good luck with that.
Joseph: Well, I was once cast into a pit because my peers were jealous
of me!
Daniel: Been there, done that. Except my pit had lions in it. What
else ya got?
Joseph: God blessed me with the ability to interpret dreams. Doing so
saved many lives, including my own!
Daniel: You're preaching to the choir. Ever hear of the stone cut
without hands that filled the whole earth?
Joseph: That was you? Um...um....the story of my life was adapted into
an elaborate Broadway musical, and the movie version starred Donny
Osmond and that Jurassic Park guy.
Daniel: Dang! You win.
Yep, I'm sure that's exactly what heaven is like. Anyway...this week
in Gospel Doctrine we're studying Daniel's dream. There's just one
chapter to study this week (plus one Doctrine and Covenants section of
"additional reading"), which means two things: it's unlikely that
anyone has an excuse good enough to justify showing up at class
without having read the curriculum, and this one chapter must be
really, really important. So study up! Here's some things to guide
your study.
As far as I know, the Marriage and Family Relations class will be
held, but there is no Preach My Gospel class. If anyone affiliated
with those classes knows differently please let me know. Finally...if
any of you out there are good at the whole dream interpretation thing,
I had a doozy involving space monkeys, Wonder Bread and Willy Wonka a
few years ago that still baffles me. Let me know.
See you Sunday!
Jeff"
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Pampering myself
No, this isn't a post about my childhood problems with bedwetting. I'm not ready to talk about that yet.
I work my body so strenuously in my day-to-day life (sarcasm is easily detectable in print, right?) that sometimes it needs some extra TLC. In the last 6 months, I've had my first-ever head-neck-and-shoulders massage (didn't really like it), my first-ever full body massage (liked it much more than I thought I would), and just a few days ago, my first-ever pedicure (not too bad).
I've avoided these types of things until now for a couple of reasons: first of all, it seems the main purposes for these kinds of things are to relieve stress (which I encounter very little of) and/or to look good (which I don't worry too much about). More importantly, I've worried that I might really, really like them and want to pamper myself on a more regular basis, which could prove to be quite costly. While I generally enjoyed these sessions, I don't think this will be an issue anymore.
One thing that was never a consideration was my so-called "man card," which my brother said I would have to turn in when I told him about my pedi. If being dirty and sweaty and fighting and engaging in other hyper-masculine activities are the requirements for being a man, I'm ok with just being a male.
Anyway...on to the pictures!
Oh yeah...in addition to the cuticle care and the grinding of callouses and such, we went all out and got the nails painted too. ("We" being me and my roommate Petey, who was the instigator of this adventure. But I chose the color.)
Our friend and neighbor Amber graciously made a house call for us rookie pedicurees. She did a great job, and also politely kept any comments about how gross our feet were to herself.
Petey's toes. He only lasted about a week before getting rid of the pink. I'm on Day 11 now and going strong.
The after picture. Yes, my feet and toes are a little hairy. But that's ok, because I'm 1/16th hobbit. And yes, that is my belly sticking out into the shot. This little piggy had roast beef.
I work my body so strenuously in my day-to-day life (sarcasm is easily detectable in print, right?) that sometimes it needs some extra TLC. In the last 6 months, I've had my first-ever head-neck-and-shoulders massage (didn't really like it), my first-ever full body massage (liked it much more than I thought I would), and just a few days ago, my first-ever pedicure (not too bad).
I've avoided these types of things until now for a couple of reasons: first of all, it seems the main purposes for these kinds of things are to relieve stress (which I encounter very little of) and/or to look good (which I don't worry too much about). More importantly, I've worried that I might really, really like them and want to pamper myself on a more regular basis, which could prove to be quite costly. While I generally enjoyed these sessions, I don't think this will be an issue anymore.
One thing that was never a consideration was my so-called "man card," which my brother said I would have to turn in when I told him about my pedi. If being dirty and sweaty and fighting and engaging in other hyper-masculine activities are the requirements for being a man, I'm ok with just being a male.
Anyway...on to the pictures!
Oh yeah...in addition to the cuticle care and the grinding of callouses and such, we went all out and got the nails painted too. ("We" being me and my roommate Petey, who was the instigator of this adventure. But I chose the color.)
Our friend and neighbor Amber graciously made a house call for us rookie pedicurees. She did a great job, and also politely kept any comments about how gross our feet were to herself.
Petey's toes. He only lasted about a week before getting rid of the pink. I'm on Day 11 now and going strong.
The after picture. Yes, my feet and toes are a little hairy. But that's ok, because I'm 1/16th hobbit. And yes, that is my belly sticking out into the shot. This little piggy had roast beef.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Beyond Batman
A couple of weeks ago, the Internet was down in our apartment for three or four days. It was like being back in 1995 again. (If you don't remember what that was like, check out the last 20 seconds of this clip.)
The first of these days was a Saturday, and I quickly found myself without my usual means of entertaining myself (Hulu, YouTube, my favorite sports and entertainment columnists, etc.). I eventually made my way to my DVD collection, which often goes neglected for weeks or months at a time. With one or two exceptions, I've seen every movie I own...but I've never watched MY copy of most of these movies.
I'm pretty sure I know the reason for this--once you own a movie, all urgency to watch it is removed. You know you can watch it any time you want, and so you never watch it. I've watched all or part of some of these same movies when they're shown on TV, yet still have never popped my own DVD into the player. Do any of you do the same thing? I have a feeling I'm not alone here.
Anyway...I noticed the Batman Anthology on my shelf. It came out about five years ago, but I just bought it about six months ago (by the way, the price right now is insanely good--if you like Batman at all you should buy it). As noted above, I hadn't watched any of the movies since they became my property.
One of the reasons I wanted the anthology is that I had heard that, on the director's commentary for Batman & Robin, Joel Schumacher basically apologized for derailing the franchise for a while with that movie. So I watched the movie with the commentary track, and unfortunately, the rumor wasn't quite true.
At one point, he mentioned that the screenwriter for B&R had received criticism, and Schumacher said he had final say on the story, so any perceived shortcomings were actually his fault. However, he seemed genuinely pleased with the movie. He did at least acknowledge that many aspects of it (costumes, vehicles, props) were created simply as marketing opportunities--they wanted to sell a lot of toys. As a result the movie stunk (my opinion, not the director's), and we had to wait eight years for the franchise to be resurrected.
My point is this--well, actually I guess I have two points. The first point: Batman is (usually) awesome. The second: I hope I never have to go that long without Internet access again.
The first of these days was a Saturday, and I quickly found myself without my usual means of entertaining myself (Hulu, YouTube, my favorite sports and entertainment columnists, etc.). I eventually made my way to my DVD collection, which often goes neglected for weeks or months at a time. With one or two exceptions, I've seen every movie I own...but I've never watched MY copy of most of these movies.
I'm pretty sure I know the reason for this--once you own a movie, all urgency to watch it is removed. You know you can watch it any time you want, and so you never watch it. I've watched all or part of some of these same movies when they're shown on TV, yet still have never popped my own DVD into the player. Do any of you do the same thing? I have a feeling I'm not alone here.
Anyway...I noticed the Batman Anthology on my shelf. It came out about five years ago, but I just bought it about six months ago (by the way, the price right now is insanely good--if you like Batman at all you should buy it). As noted above, I hadn't watched any of the movies since they became my property.
One of the reasons I wanted the anthology is that I had heard that, on the director's commentary for Batman & Robin, Joel Schumacher basically apologized for derailing the franchise for a while with that movie. So I watched the movie with the commentary track, and unfortunately, the rumor wasn't quite true.
At one point, he mentioned that the screenwriter for B&R had received criticism, and Schumacher said he had final say on the story, so any perceived shortcomings were actually his fault. However, he seemed genuinely pleased with the movie. He did at least acknowledge that many aspects of it (costumes, vehicles, props) were created simply as marketing opportunities--they wanted to sell a lot of toys. As a result the movie stunk (my opinion, not the director's), and we had to wait eight years for the franchise to be resurrected.
My point is this--well, actually I guess I have two points. The first point: Batman is (usually) awesome. The second: I hope I never have to go that long without Internet access again.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The art of the parody
I listened to an interesting podcast today--my favorite writer, Chuck Klosterman, interviewing the world's greatest parody artist, Weird Al Yankovic. You can listen to it here.
I was fascinated by the part where Al described his process of coming up with a new parody--mainly because it's so different from my own. This may explain why he's made millions of dollars with his songs and I haven't, but I suspect if writing parodies were my full-time job then I'd end up doing things more like he does.
Usually, I only work on one song at a time, and it's for a specific reason or event: a church talent show or film festival, a holiday, etc. Then, knowing that I will likely be performing the song in addition to writing the lyrics, I choose a song I can either do in my falsetto (like Avril Lavigne's "Complicated"), one where the lyrics are spoken as much as sung ("We Didn't Start the Fire," Young MC's "Principal's Office"), or where the song stays in a very low and limited range (see below). The expected audience usually plays a role in which song I select too--I usually get an idea for a chorus or maybe even just one good line, then build the story from there.
Once I get started, I make an effort to keep the rhyming sounds from the original song, and operating within those creative restraints allows the narrative organically, sometimes with unexpected results.
Last Sunday marked the debut performance of my most recent parody. On Father's Day 2009, my siblings and I gave my dad a coupon book. There were two coupons from me: one where I promised to make lunch and watch Wipeout together, which was redeemed quickly, and one for a personalized song parody, which was not.
I told my dad he could give me as much direction as he wanted--what the song should be about, which song to use, etc.--but that he at least had to pick a genre. By the end of that summer he told me he wanted a parody of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song, which seemed fairly simple, but for some reason I never started on it. And then, for a while, I forgot about it.
I remembered a few weeks ago that I hadn't delivered this gift yet, and I got to work. My dad is retiring at the end of the year, and then he and my mom are going on an LDS mission. Like me, my dad watches a lot of TV, and like me has yet to upgrade from VCR to DVR. That should be all the background you need. The lyrics are below, and here's a good version of the original so you can sing along (you can also note how true I stayed to the end rhymes and even the internal rhymes on many lines):
…
Not my best work (I'm fairly disappointed in the two "Dad is" lines, but I couldn't come up with anything better), but I liked the story, and the TV part is especially funny within my family. Now I need to get back to work on an unfinished parody--last December I offered another personalized parody in a church service auction, and I'm about two-thirds of the way through a telling of the nativity to the beat of 50 Cent's "In Da Club." I really hope it doesn't take me two years to finish.
I was fascinated by the part where Al described his process of coming up with a new parody--mainly because it's so different from my own. This may explain why he's made millions of dollars with his songs and I haven't, but I suspect if writing parodies were my full-time job then I'd end up doing things more like he does.
Usually, I only work on one song at a time, and it's for a specific reason or event: a church talent show or film festival, a holiday, etc. Then, knowing that I will likely be performing the song in addition to writing the lyrics, I choose a song I can either do in my falsetto (like Avril Lavigne's "Complicated"), one where the lyrics are spoken as much as sung ("We Didn't Start the Fire," Young MC's "Principal's Office"), or where the song stays in a very low and limited range (see below). The expected audience usually plays a role in which song I select too--I usually get an idea for a chorus or maybe even just one good line, then build the story from there.
Once I get started, I make an effort to keep the rhyming sounds from the original song, and operating within those creative restraints allows the narrative organically, sometimes with unexpected results.
Last Sunday marked the debut performance of my most recent parody. On Father's Day 2009, my siblings and I gave my dad a coupon book. There were two coupons from me: one where I promised to make lunch and watch Wipeout together, which was redeemed quickly, and one for a personalized song parody, which was not.
I told my dad he could give me as much direction as he wanted--what the song should be about, which song to use, etc.--but that he at least had to pick a genre. By the end of that summer he told me he wanted a parody of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song, which seemed fairly simple, but for some reason I never started on it. And then, for a while, I forgot about it.
I remembered a few weeks ago that I hadn't delivered this gift yet, and I got to work. My dad is retiring at the end of the year, and then he and my mom are going on an LDS mission. Like me, my dad watches a lot of TV, and like me has yet to upgrade from VCR to DVR. That should be all the background you need. The lyrics are below, and here's a good version of the original so you can sing along (you can also note how true I stayed to the end rhymes and even the internal rhymes on many lines):
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Dad
Though sometimes austere, he is anything but bad
Then one day, done providin' for his brood
He up, told his boss, keep your W-2
No more toil, that is. Watch of gold, retiree.
Well the next thing you know ol' Dad's a missionar(y)
Prophet said, "You and Mom make quite a pair"
Said "South Pacific is the place you ought to be"
So they loaded up the boat and moved to Tahiti
Thrilled, Dad is. French in schools, Tiki bars.
"Well now it's time to say goodbye," said Dad to all his kin.
"We're both really excited for our mission to begin.
It'll be a year until we’re back in this locality,
But I've got my VCR all set so don't touch the TV!"
Still silly, Dad is. Where he dwells, say cable and he'll scoff.
Happy Father's Day, y'hear?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Words of wisdom
I was trying to come up with a new Gchat status message the other day, and got some inspiration from an unlikely source: my roommate's food processor. The appliance's packaging states that "Life is one long delicious process." While this is basically true, it's overly dramatic and philosophical, considering the source. In other words, it was a perfect new status.
As expected, several friends have IMed me with some variation on "I love your status! What's it from?" And then I get to burst their bubble. I'm a great friend.
My favorite experience I've ever had along those lines happened my senior year of high school. I walked into my AP Stats class, and Mr. Timo Mostert asked me to hold still so he could read the quote on the back of my t-shirt: "You must show no mercy, nor have any belief in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
"That's really great," Timo said. "Whose quote is that?"
He was clearly disappointed when I turned around, revealing the author on the front of my shirt--the one and only Ultimate Warrior.
I spent some time on Google to see if I could find a picture of the shirt to post here. No luck, but surprisingly I did find some sites that attributed the same quote to Albert Einstein. While the statement in question is much more coherent than the typical Warrior soundbite, I have a hard time imagining Einstein uttering the phrase "show no mercy."
I actually still have that shirt. It's faded but amazingly has never shrunk, after 15 years of repeated washings. It's one of the few t-shirts I own that I purchased myself--and I wear almost nothing but tees. Here's the breakdown on how I obtained the shirts that are in regular or semi-regular rotation in my wardrobe:
Purchased by me--10
Received as birthday, Christmas, or just-to-be-nice gifts: 20
Hand-me-downs from siblings who outgrew them physically or, heaven forbid, matured emotionally: 12
Free shirts used to perform in or promote improv shows: 7
Work-related promotional shirts: 2
Shirts received for participating in hot dog eating contests: 1
So I bought less than 20% of the shirts I wear. And those 10 were bought either, like the Warrior one, at live wrestling events, or on the streets of New York (I Heart NY, etc.), or when I went to Scotland 5 years ago. No t-shirt that I currently wear was purchased by me in an American store. Kinda weird.
The WWE is coming to Utah this summer, so I may be adding to my wardrobe soon. I bet if either of these guys have a shirt, it will say something really profound on the back!
As expected, several friends have IMed me with some variation on "I love your status! What's it from?" And then I get to burst their bubble. I'm a great friend.
My favorite experience I've ever had along those lines happened my senior year of high school. I walked into my AP Stats class, and Mr. Timo Mostert asked me to hold still so he could read the quote on the back of my t-shirt: "You must show no mercy, nor have any belief in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all."
"That's really great," Timo said. "Whose quote is that?"
He was clearly disappointed when I turned around, revealing the author on the front of my shirt--the one and only Ultimate Warrior.
I spent some time on Google to see if I could find a picture of the shirt to post here. No luck, but surprisingly I did find some sites that attributed the same quote to Albert Einstein. While the statement in question is much more coherent than the typical Warrior soundbite, I have a hard time imagining Einstein uttering the phrase "show no mercy."
I actually still have that shirt. It's faded but amazingly has never shrunk, after 15 years of repeated washings. It's one of the few t-shirts I own that I purchased myself--and I wear almost nothing but tees. Here's the breakdown on how I obtained the shirts that are in regular or semi-regular rotation in my wardrobe:
Purchased by me--10
Received as birthday, Christmas, or just-to-be-nice gifts: 20
Hand-me-downs from siblings who outgrew them physically or, heaven forbid, matured emotionally: 12
Free shirts used to perform in or promote improv shows: 7
Work-related promotional shirts: 2
Shirts received for participating in hot dog eating contests: 1
So I bought less than 20% of the shirts I wear. And those 10 were bought either, like the Warrior one, at live wrestling events, or on the streets of New York (I Heart NY, etc.), or when I went to Scotland 5 years ago. No t-shirt that I currently wear was purchased by me in an American store. Kinda weird.
The WWE is coming to Utah this summer, so I may be adding to my wardrobe soon. I bet if either of these guys have a shirt, it will say something really profound on the back!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Mmmmm.....donuts
The Internet says today is National Donut Day, and that's good enough for me. I know I could get a free Krispy Kreme, but I've never been a big fan--their glazed taste more like donut candy than a real donut. Dunkin' is giving away donuts when you buy a drink or something like that, but alas, we don't have DD in Utah. I went with the best local option and bought a dozen from Banbury Cross. By the time I arrived there wasn't a huge selection left, but they're all good. As I post this, there are still a few left, so if you hurry over you can join me for a lunch donut and some milk.
To commemorate this delicious day, here are my top 10 Homer Simpson donut-related moments:
10. Homer takes Lisa with him to work one day, and offers her a donut. Lisa asks, "Do you have any fruit?" "This one has purple in it," Homer responds. "Purple is a fruit."
9. Feeling uncharacteristically remorseful after his latest act of oafishness, Homer contemplates taking his life. As he stands on the ledge of a bridge, ready to jump, he shouts, "Goodbye, cruel world!" And then quickly adds, "Goodbye, Cruller World!" A Cruller World delivery truck then drives by.
8. Many of the Halloween episodes include great donut references. In one, Homer's toaster turns into a time machine, and he visits alternate universe after alternate universe in an attempt to find his way home. At one point, he ends up in a world where he has a fancy house and car, his kids are well-behaved, and Patty and Selma are dead. It's practically heaven, until he realizes that nobody knows what donuts are. As he retreats to the basement to try again, it begins raining--and the raindrops are donuts. Isn't it ironic?
7. Homer makes an enemy of the new guy at work, Frank Grimes. Grimey's criticisms of Homer include the fact that he eats like a pig. "I don't know, pigs tend to chew," Lenny responds, as Homer downs a maple bar without using his teeth. "I'd say he eats more like a duck."
6. Homer procures a helper monkey named Mojo, and one of the first tasks he gives his new assistant is to sneak through the bakery's air ducts and steal donuts. Mojo emerges with his arms, legs, and tail covered in donuts--but he stays up on the roof rather than sharing with Homer. He takes a bite of one, and then tosses it on the ground. "I don't need your pity," Homer yells--then immediately pounces on the leftovers.
Bonus Entry: "Little Chocolate Donuts." It's not from The Simpsons, but it's too funny not to include. Plus Belushi was kind of like a real-life Homer Simpson.
5. In another Halloween classic, Homer steals the giant donut from the Lard Lad sign, but then all of the town's giant advertising mascots come to life and go on a rampage. Marge urges Homer to give the big donut back to end the horror, which he does--but the Lard Lad uses it to smash more cars and houses. "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?" Homer asks his wife, receiving the sheepish reply "Sometimes."
4. Homer is the conductor of the Springfield Monorail, taking it on its maiden voyage--but the brakes don't work! He fashions a crude anchor, which eventually hooks onto the aforementioned giant donut, eventually stopping the train and saving dozens of lives. This leads to Homer's profound statement: "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
3. While at work, Homer naps and dreams he is on trial on the Planet of the Donuts, accused of eating half of the population. His donut lawyer attempts to mount a defense, until Homer takes a bite out of him. They return the favor by feeding Homer to a giant, monster donut. He then wakes up--hungry for donuts, naturally. But there's only one left in the break room. Homer tries radiating it to make it big, but ends up causing a nuclear meltdown instead.
2. Mr. Burns and Smithers are at the security monitors, watching Homer eating donuts. They have this classic exchange:
Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on my time. That's right, keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut. [Evil laugh] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
Smithers: Uh...no, sir. I discussed it with our lawyers, and they consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
1. It has to be this one.
Which is your favorite Homer Donut Moment? (That's some good assonance--and I'm not talking about the effect donuts have on the size of your butt.) Did I omit any classics? And where's your favorite donut place?
To commemorate this delicious day, here are my top 10 Homer Simpson donut-related moments:
10. Homer takes Lisa with him to work one day, and offers her a donut. Lisa asks, "Do you have any fruit?" "This one has purple in it," Homer responds. "Purple is a fruit."
9. Feeling uncharacteristically remorseful after his latest act of oafishness, Homer contemplates taking his life. As he stands on the ledge of a bridge, ready to jump, he shouts, "Goodbye, cruel world!" And then quickly adds, "Goodbye, Cruller World!" A Cruller World delivery truck then drives by.
8. Many of the Halloween episodes include great donut references. In one, Homer's toaster turns into a time machine, and he visits alternate universe after alternate universe in an attempt to find his way home. At one point, he ends up in a world where he has a fancy house and car, his kids are well-behaved, and Patty and Selma are dead. It's practically heaven, until he realizes that nobody knows what donuts are. As he retreats to the basement to try again, it begins raining--and the raindrops are donuts. Isn't it ironic?
7. Homer makes an enemy of the new guy at work, Frank Grimes. Grimey's criticisms of Homer include the fact that he eats like a pig. "I don't know, pigs tend to chew," Lenny responds, as Homer downs a maple bar without using his teeth. "I'd say he eats more like a duck."
6. Homer procures a helper monkey named Mojo, and one of the first tasks he gives his new assistant is to sneak through the bakery's air ducts and steal donuts. Mojo emerges with his arms, legs, and tail covered in donuts--but he stays up on the roof rather than sharing with Homer. He takes a bite of one, and then tosses it on the ground. "I don't need your pity," Homer yells--then immediately pounces on the leftovers.
Bonus Entry: "Little Chocolate Donuts." It's not from The Simpsons, but it's too funny not to include. Plus Belushi was kind of like a real-life Homer Simpson.
5. In another Halloween classic, Homer steals the giant donut from the Lard Lad sign, but then all of the town's giant advertising mascots come to life and go on a rampage. Marge urges Homer to give the big donut back to end the horror, which he does--but the Lard Lad uses it to smash more cars and houses. "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?" Homer asks his wife, receiving the sheepish reply "Sometimes."
4. Homer is the conductor of the Springfield Monorail, taking it on its maiden voyage--but the brakes don't work! He fashions a crude anchor, which eventually hooks onto the aforementioned giant donut, eventually stopping the train and saving dozens of lives. This leads to Homer's profound statement: "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
3. While at work, Homer naps and dreams he is on trial on the Planet of the Donuts, accused of eating half of the population. His donut lawyer attempts to mount a defense, until Homer takes a bite out of him. They return the favor by feeding Homer to a giant, monster donut. He then wakes up--hungry for donuts, naturally. But there's only one left in the break room. Homer tries radiating it to make it big, but ends up causing a nuclear meltdown instead.
2. Mr. Burns and Smithers are at the security monitors, watching Homer eating donuts. They have this classic exchange:
Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on my time. That's right, keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut. [Evil laugh] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
Smithers: Uh...no, sir. I discussed it with our lawyers, and they consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
1. It has to be this one.
Which is your favorite Homer Donut Moment? (That's some good assonance--and I'm not talking about the effect donuts have on the size of your butt.) Did I omit any classics? And where's your favorite donut place?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Hoffmann of the Month
New blogs need new features, so I'm proud to debut "Hoffmann of the Month." I'm spelling it Hoffmann, because that way I can include all the Hofmans, Hoffmans, Hofmanns, and Hoffmann. If I made it "Hoffmann of the Week," it probably wouldn't be long before I resorted to featuring the likes of Felicity Huffman, David Hasselhoff, or Warwick Davis. (Get it? He's a "Half Man!") But there are enough great ones to supply me with at least two years of monthly Hoffmanns. So without further ado, the June 2011 Hoffmann of the Month is...
E. T. A. HOFMANN
Why he's awesome: Check out those sideburns! Plus, his given name is Ernst Theodor Wilhelm, but he wisely swapped out the Wilhelm for Amadeus.
Oh, and he wrote the story on which The Nutcracker is based, and his writings inspired several other ballets and operas, including The Tales of Hoffmann, which is of course the inspiration for my blog name.
Congratulations, E. T. A. Hoffmann, on being named the inaugural Hoffmann of the Month! You deserve it!
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