Adventures in rebranding

"We need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it."
--Principal Seymour Skinner, shortly before his barbershop quartet agrees to call themselves the Be Sharps

Did you guys hear that they changed the name of Big Ben to "Elizabeth Tower?" Ridiculous, right? That's what I thought the first time I heard about it. As it turns out, the clock tower itself is being renamed, but the bell at the top will still be called Big Ben. Also, those responsible for the name change acknowledge that even though the official name is being altered to honor Britain's current monarch, most people will continue to refer to the entire structure as Big Ben. So it's not as ridiculous a name change as it originally seemed.

Many people and things change their names, and most of the time it's a big mistake. For every good name change (Marion Morrison becoming John Wayne), there's a whole bunch of bad ones (Chad Johnson becoming Chad Ochocinco, Ron Artest changing his name to Metta World Peace, the ever-changing monikers of Sean "Puffy" Combs). Prince is kind of an in between example; changing your name to a symbol is pretty crazy, but TAFKAP ("The Artist Formerly Known as Prince") is a fun acronym to say.

But the real atrocities happen when a name gets changed as a result of corporate overthinking (or maybe it's underthinking?).Sometimes when a company or organization changes their name, it works out for the best, like when "David and Jerry's Guide to the World Wide Web" was rechristened "Yahoo!" But more often than not it winds up like one of these examples:

--The competition to provide home digital services is intense, and apparently the old names weren't cutting it, because Qwest and Comcast are now known as CenturyLink and Xfinity, respectively. When a corporation changes its name, my first reaction is to think they're trying to cover up a track record of dishonesty or poor service and get a fresh start (I think there was actually a merger involved in Qwest's case, but it still seems a little fishy). Plus, both company's old AND new names are just awful, sounding like the marketing department's best efforts at coming up with something that sounds cutting edge or futuristic. It reminds me of when Homer was trying to come up with a name for his fledgling Internet business and settles on CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet.

--Speaking of companies changing their name to make it seem more relevant to the digital age...how'd that "O.co" experiment work out for you, Overstock? At least O.co wasn't as bad as Qwikster.

--As shown above, every company wants to seem hip and trendy, wants to appeal to as wide and youthful and affluent a demographic as possible. Renaming well known (if uncool) retail outlets Radio Shack and Pizza Hut "the Shack" and "the Hut" is not smart. Those are always the worst options when you're playing MASH. People don't want to visit the Slum or the Shanty and they don't want to hang out at the Shack or the Hut.

--Speaking of pizza...there was once a sitcom called Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. It starred, among others, Ryan Reynolds and Mrs. Jon Hamm, and Nathan Fillion joined the cast for season 2. After said second season it changed its name to Two Guys and a Girl and was canceled not long after. The name change probably wasn't solely responsible for the show's demise, despite all the soon-to-be-big names, it just wasn't funny. (In the first three minutes of that clip, there's some foreshadowing of the Green Lantern AND a reference to another famous name-changer, Cat Stevens.)

--That was just one show...a few years ago the SciFi Network changed its name to SyFy. I guess that's more of a spelling change and not a full name change, but it might be the dumbest one on this list.

--Another crucial spelling change: good things happened initially when the Oneders became the Wonders, but ultimately we lost out on chances for funny mispronunciations and the band eventually broke up. They should've stuck with Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters.

--My all-time least favorite name change? Back in 2002, the World Wrestling Federation lost a lawsuit brought by the World Wildlife Fund, and overnight the WWF became the WWE. At first it stood for "World Wrestling Entertainment," but now the full name is just WWE. Its name now looks like the call letters for a radio station. Same goes for KFC, the official name of the former Kentucky Fried Chicken.

--Finally, we come to Energy Solutions Arena, the current name of what was originally the Delta Center. It's bad enough that when corporate naming rights come up in the news, fans are reminded that pro sports is all about the money. But "Energy Solutions Arena?" Seriously? Not that "Delta Center" was a particularly great name, but it rolled off the tongue much more easily, and having an airline as your most prominent sponsor is much better than having a company that provides nuclear wast disposal services. There are a number of sports facilities that are better known by a nickname, such as "The Garden," "Happy Valley," "The Big House," etc. Along those lines, the natural nickname for ESA is "The Dump." Well done, executive team.

"There's a game tonight at The Dump. Want to go?"

"The Dump? Where's that?"

"Downtown, right next to Shack and the Hut."

This week in Sunday School we get an example of both good and bad name changes. Ammon and his fellow missionaries start to have great success among the Lamanites. Their converts want to a new name to distinguish them from Lamanites, so the king and many priests consult together (yet again, corporate overthinking) and come up with "Anti-Nephi-Lehies" (see Alma 23:16-17). Ugh. Fortunately the Nephites recognized that nobody wanted to call them that, and the Anti-Nephi-Lehies became known as the people of Ammon (see Alma 27:26).

If you have a favorite example of ill-advised name changes that I've omitted, leave it in the comments. The more bad examples we see, the more we'll all realize that names shouldn't be changed unless absolutely necessary.