If only there had been more righteous people in Sodom and Gomorrah, the Lord wouldn't have destroyed it (see Gen. 18:23-33).
If only Lot's wife hadn't disobeyed, she wouldn't have been turned into a pillar of salt (see Gen. 19:26).
If only Lot's wife hadn't been turned into a pillar of salt, she and Lot may have had more sons that could've married their daughters. (Small dating pool back then, lots of people's family trees didn't branch much.)
If only Lot's daughters hadn't seen fire and brimstone destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, they might not have thought they and their father were the last survivors on Earth.
If only Lot's daughters hadn't thought they were the only ones who could repopulate the planet (I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here), they wouldn't have got their father drunk and slept with him.
If only Lot's daughters hadn't got their father drunk and slept with him, they wouldn't have given birth to sons (and later nations bearing the names of) Moab and Ammon (see Gen. 19:30-38).
If only Lot's older daughter hadn't given birth to Moab, the town I stopped in to eat a Wendy's chicken sandwich while on the way to New Mexico may have been given a different name.
And if only I wasn't spending the weekend in New Mexico with my parents, a dodgy Internet connection, and an even dodgier laptop, I might have come up with something a little more elaborate for my 200th post on this blog. Oh well.
There's not a lot of time left, but you can prepare here for Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
I got you, Abe
It's Abraha-mania this weekend! Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson is on the Abrahamic covenant (the next several weeks will focus on Abraham, actually); Abraham Lincoln's birthday is responsible for bank closures and mattress sales on Monday; and Saturday is the 60th birthday of Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons, including old coot Abraham Simpson, AKA "Grampa."
The three Abes have a surprising amount in common. Here's an impressive (though likely not exhaustive) list of their similarities. (I won't be sourcing the information I refer to below, but if you want scripture references, episode titles, etc., relating to any specific point, let me know in the comments.)
--All three had complex, if not outright troubled, marriages. Abraham got his wife to pretend to be his sister so Pharaoh wouldn't kill him; later that same wife encouraged him to father children with her maid, then got mad when he did. Lincoln's wife Mary Todd is well-known to have had mental health issues (though calling her "crazy," as many do, is probably unfair). Grampa's wife Mona ran away and became a fugitive from federal law when their son Homer was very young. Like the Old Testament patriarch, Grampa also fathered children with other women. Speaking of which...
--Each of the three had multiple children, but each has one son who is paid the most attention, for various reasons: Grampa's son Homer is the star of the show, and the only child he had with his wife; Lincoln had four sons, but only Robert lived into adulthood; and Abraham's son Isaac was the "chosen" one, the one through whom the aforementioned covenant would continue through.
--Governmental finances played a role in each of their lives, but in different ways: Lincoln imposed the first federal income tax, Abraham paid tithes to King Melchizedek, and Grampa has admitted that he neither earned nor needs his pension, but if one payment is missed he'll raise hell.
--Abraham had servants that were likely slaves; Grampa is the descendant of an escaped American slave; and Lincoln had strong feelings about slavery, though I can't seem to recall if he was pro or con.
--All three were military officers. Grampa actually fought in multiple branches of the Armed Forces, in both World Wars, if his stories are to be believed.
--Some details about each Abe indicate their possible sympathy with the LGBT community. There's a growing body of scholarship debating whether Lincoln was gay. Abraham once tried to convince God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah. And Grampa, a known cross-dresser (he once played in a ladies baseball league, and was a cabaret performer in Berlin--plus there may be other incidents I'm forgetting), once searched through his wallet and found a card identifying himself as the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance.
--Here's one commonality I will provide links for--LDS scriptures reveal much about Abraham's interest in astronomy; apparently Lincoln was an amateur stargazer of sorts; Grampa also felt strongly about heavenly bodies, but those feelings were negative, resulting in some pretty funny memes.
--Finally, we all likely know of the long list of (supposed) similarities between Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, but as you might have guessed--his fellow Abrahams have JFK connections too. Actually, I can't come up with anything for the ancient prophet; if anyone leaves a comment with something good, I'll give you a prize. But Grampa...not only did his son marry a Bouvier, just like Kennedy, but Grampa discovered JFK was a secret Nazi while serving with him in the Navy.
And on that pleasant note--enjoy your Abrahamic weekend!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
WrestleVersary 25
Last Monday was perhaps the most significant day of my life as a fan of professional athletes. For starters, I was still basking in the glow of the Seahawks' Super Bowl win the night before--the first time any of the pro teams I cheer for has ever won a championship.
Beyond that, though, was something that's perhaps even more significant--Monday was the 25th anniversary of the first time I ever watched pro wrestling (and I've never really stopped). That's right, I've been a wrestling fan for a quarter of a century. On that fateful day, I watched the break-up of the Mega Powers, and a lifelong fan was born. Five years ago I chronicled the major events of the first 20 years of my fandom. To commemorate my silver anniversary, here's a countdown of my top 25 favorite sports-entertainers of the past two-and-a-half decades.
Honorable mention: The list of guys who just missed the cut include big stars like Bret "Hitman" Hart, Rob Van Dam, and Sycho Sid; underrated/underutilized talents like Henry O. Godwinn (aka HOG), Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, and Rob Conway; and novelty acts like Too Cool (including Rikishi) and the Godfather. On to the actual list!
25. Mr. Kennedy
Why I'm a fan: I'm not a fan of violence. I don't watch wrestling because I like seeing guys beat each other up. If I was into that kind of thing, I'd follow MMA or boxing instead. I watch wrestling because it's an addictive soap opera, with the best moments coming from characters who are corny or compelling (sometimes both). As a result, this list is largely comprised of competitors who are/were at least at good at talking as they are/were at fighting. And that's why #25 is a good spot for Ken Kennedy--he's one of pro wrestling's most gifted talkers ever, and had an abundance of wrestling skill too, but he never even came close to reaching his potential in WWE. He was unbelievably charismatic, but never said anything besides his name, weight, and hometown, as you'll see below.
On the mic: He rarely strayed far from his basic template, but he was still fun to listen to.
In the ring: In this section I'm not necessarily linking to what I consider my favorite match or their "best" match, but it will always be something noteworthy. Here, Kennedy competes against Eddie Guerrero in what would turn out to be Eddie's final match before his unexpected, tragic death.
24. The Shield
Why I'm a fan: From left to right: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins. They're the only wrestlers on this list who have debuted within the last few years; their inclusion is in part as representatives of the newest generation of Superstars, but they're also extremely impressive athletes, especially when working as a team. Tag team wrestling gets emphasized about one-tenth as much as it did when I started following wrestling, so I really appreciate their team chemistry.
On the mic: I gravitate towards those who cut funny, sarcastic promos, but I can dig intensity too.
In the ring: The three newbies won their WrestleMania debut against three former champions, because the Shield are a real team.
23. Gillberg
Why I'm a fan: At the height of the "Monday Night Wars," WWF turned scrawny jobber (term for a wrestler who always loses, doesn't have theme music or action figures, etc.) Duane Gill into "Gillberg," a parody of rival WCW's biggest star Goldberg, with hilarious results.
On the mic: He does talk here, but his character was really all about the intro: the piped-in Gillberg chants, the security guards flanking him, the hand-held sparklers instead of big pyrotechnics...so great. Bonus: this was the debut of Lita, one of the greatest Divas of all time.
In the ring: Classic Gillberg.
22. Renee Young
Why I'm a fan: The only other "new" talent on this list, besides those who share a spot. Obviously she's very attractive, but she's also dang good as a backstage interviewer. For years, I've suffered through interviews (conducted by men and women) that consist of nothing more than introducing a wrestler and asking them "What are your thoughts?" Renee actually asks good questions, with good follow-ups always at the ready. She also provides occasional match commentary on NXT, the WWE's minor league program, which I believe makes her the first woman ever to do so in more than just a "special guest" role. She's fun and sassy and the only wrestling personality I follow on Twitter--and once she even acknowledged my social media existence!
On the mic: Even when she doesn't get to talk much, Renee still has good body language.
In the ring: Renee doesn't fight, but she did take a bit of a beating from frequent verbal sparring partner Paul Heyman in this interview.
21. Ravishing Rick Rude/Val Venis
Why I'm a fan: It's always a good time when a guy boasts he can please all the women in the audience more than their own men can, then proceeds to elaborately disrobe, then proceeds to beat the crap out of their opponent. Rude was decidedly more PG in his late '80s heyday than Venis, who rose to prominence during the late '90s when wrestling got incredibly sleazy.
On the mic: Low video quality on this Rude supercut, but I'm so glad it exists. Val's promo, as noted above, is fairly risque, but it's dang funny.
In the ring: Both the Ravishing One and the Big Valbowski could back up their boasts in the ring.
20. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
Why I'm a fan: Brutus was Hulk Hogan's real-life and on-screen best friend, and I chose him as my favorite wrestler, likely because the Hulkster was my true favorite but even at 9 years old, I knew he was too obvious a choice. I loved how he put his opponent out with a sleeper hold, then gave them an awful haircut (luckily most jobbers of that era had mullets, so he could just thin out the back without making them completely hideous).
On the mic: He was ok in interviews, but nothing special.
In the ring: This was the Barber's last high-profile match before a parasailing accident "shaved" a few years off his career; when he finally did start wrestling again he wasn't quite the same performer.
19. Yokozuna
Why I'm a fan: Yokozuna, a Hawaiian posing as a Japanese sumo champ, was one of the first agile super-heavyweights. He could put on a much better match than plodders like Andre the Giant, and he was a very convincing bad guy.
On the mic: Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette did all the talking for him.
In the ring: Here's the main reason Yoko made the list...I had this computer game, and he was my favorite character to play as, but also to fight against, because when you hit him cooked turkeys and other food came out of him. Here's one of his more notable real matches.
18. Jerry "The King" Lawler
Why I'm a fan: Lawler started wrestling 40ish years ago, but most fans (including me) think of him first and foremost as an announcer. Old age, poor health, and the WWE's shift back to a PG show have neutered most of the edge he had throughout the '90s and early '00s, but in his prime the King was an amorous, cackling hyena, and he made every show more entertaining.
On the mic: I love that people take the time to make these videos and upload them to YouTube. Thank you, Internet!
In the ring: He had greater triumphs before coming to the WWF/WWE, but this was probably the peak of his in-ring run during my fandom.
17. British Bulldog
Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most underrated wrestler of his era. He was amazingly strong, agile, athletic, and always had a good match, no matter who he was up against.
On the mic: Not the best talker; maybe that's why he only won the lower-tier titles throughout his career.
In the ring: If Bulldog isn't the most underrated, than that title probably goes to his brother-in-law Owen Hart. This match is so good, it's the one that I'm choosing to share even though it's hard to hear the English commentary.
16. The Divas
Why I'm a fan: The WWF/WWE (the name was changed in 2002, almost exactly halfway through my 25 years) call their male talent Superstars and the female talent Divas. Nobody is better (or at least, nobody is more thorough) at branding than the WWE. Pro wrestling has a storied history of misogyny, and the Divas are rarely more than eye candy (or at least are not allowed to be more than that), especially when they engage in bikini contests, the infamous "bra and panties" matches, and other such tawdry fare. But I would be lying if I said I didn't like seeing them, and it would be a gross oversight to not include them in some way on this list. Pictured above are Stacy Keibler (most famous for dating George Clooney) and Alicia Fox (my current favorite Diva), but I could've easily used photos of some of the others I've liked over the years, including Miss Elizabeth, Sunny, Trish Stratus, Lita, or Michelle McCool.
On the mic: The ladies don't get to speak much, but this recent diatribe by current Divas Champ AJ Lee shows that at least some of them deserve more chances on the mic.
In the ring: Few Divas have any wrestling experience when they debut in WWE, but that doesn't stop them from throwing them out there in matches from time to time. They all receive training, but often the matches are pretty sloppy. Some, though, actually show dramatic improvement and become good wrestlers; the most notable of these is probably Stratus, who went from super-awkward in the ring to more than competent. Here's her retirement match against Lita.
15. "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
Why I'm a fan: Beefcake knocked out his opponents and cut their hair; DiBiase upped the humiliation ante, putting his rivals to sleep and then stuffing money in their mouths. He was the ultimate villain, using his wealth to embarrass people, bribe officials, even buy titles. And his laugh...oh, his laugh. So brilliant.
On the mic: This is classic cartoonish supervillainy. Or at least, '80s teen movie Billy Zabka-style villainy.
In the ring: The closest he ever came to winning the WWF title (though he did come even closer to purchasing it at one point).
14. Edge & Christian
Why I'm a fan: The duo achieved greater success as singles wrestlers than as a tag team, but pairing them allows me to include more people on the list. Plus, they literally "reeked of awesomeness" as a hilarious, title-winning team. In the early 2000s they were billed as brothers, but now call each other "best friend" and pretend the familial claims never happened.
On the mic: The 5-second pose...
In the ring: They liked to goof around, but these are two of the best, most fearless wrestlers ever. (Again, they have tons of great matches as solo artists as well, but I really loved them as a team.)
13. The Genius/Damien Sandow
Why I'm a fan: DiBiase drew ire by flaunting his money, these two do it by flaunting their intellect. Lanny Poffo (the real brother of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, still to come on the list) also elicited boos by giving his Genius character some gay undertones; wrestlers and wrestling fans are often homophobic, despite the blatant homoeroticism prevalent in the ring. Sandow doesn't prance and skip like Poffo did, but it's clear his character is based in no small part on the Genius.
On the mic: The Genius topped off the cap and gown with a scroll, and then recited poetry; Sandow merely bragged about his intellectual superiority without proving it through rhyme.
In the ring: At his effeminate best, the Genius could even stymie Hulk Hogan; but Sandow's smarts weren't enough to overcome Hogan's modern-day equivalent, John Cena.
12. Legion of Doom
Why I'm a fan: Cool look, cool music and entrance, really cool finishing move...they were the best tag team of the early '90s.
On the mic: Also, I'm a fan because Hawk (the one on the right) was a little crazy.
In the ring: As much as I liked them, they don't have any particularly memorable matches. Here's their first title win, though.
11. Razor Ramon
Why I'm a fan: Razor was my first officially designated "favorite" wrestler post-Beefcake. I liked the fake Cuban accent, the chains, the hairy chest, but it was the toothpick that put Ramon over the top. He achieved his greatest fame wrestling under his real name Scott Hall, but he's seen even more tragedy.
On the mic: Oh my...I forgot how great the series of vignettes were that aired leading up to his debut. "I will scar...your soul."
In the ring: Razor called himself "the Bad Guy," but he was the good guy in his most famous match.
10. Hulk Hogan
Why I'm a fan: The biggest star in wrestling history. Not much else to say.
On the mic: Hogan's interviews were always full of bombast, energy, intensity, and catchphrases. No one stands out in my mind above the others, but here's a typical example. Well, not that typical--not many promos include the line "thank God Donald Trump is a Hulkamaniac."
In the ring: Hulk got by much more on force of personality than on in-ring skill, but if he was paired with a great wrestler like Randy Savage he could put on a pretty good match.
9. Bobby Heenan
Why I'm a fan: "The Brain" was the best heel (that's the "official" term for villain) manager of my lifetime, and on Lawler's level as a sarcastically evil announcer.
On the mic: Yet another great YouTube supercut.
In the ring: They would sometimes make Heenan wrestle, but it was never a pretty sight. So just watch this instead.
8. Owen Hart
Why I'm a fan: He was already one of my favorites, but tragic, untimely deaths often make legends grow disproportionately, and that's happened with Owen, who died when a stunt went wrong at a Pay-Per-View event in 1999. I still get sad when I think about it.
On the mic: He had some good, wholesome things to say early in his career, but this angry promo is probably his best ever.
In the ring: His greatest moments came either when paired with or against his family, whether his brother-in-law British Bulldog as mentioned above, or classics like this match with his brother Bret.
7. Ultimate Warrior
Why I'm a fan: Oops, maybe I should've warned you about this picture...sorry if you end up having nightmares. Just looking at this photo should make it clear why I was a Warrior fan, but if not, just click these links...
On the mic: ...you could spend an hour watching bizarre Ultimate Warrior rants online, and it would be time well spent, but this mashup is a great place to start. Probably one of my top 10 favorite videos on all of the Internet.
In the ring: Like Hogan, Warrior wasn't a Superstar because of his technical prowess, so once again--Randy Savage to the rescue!
6. Vince McMahon
Why I'm a fan: You couldn't have pro wrestling without Hulk Hogan, but you really couldn't have it without this guy. Vince is the man most responsible for moving wrestling away from trying to pass itself off as legitimate competition, and acknowledging that it's really more like the Harlem Globetrotters. Plus, his onscreen character is even more of a cartoon supervillain than the Million Dollar Man.
On the mic: The prototypical Mr. McMahon promo--I can do whatever you want, and there's nothing you can do about it, because I'm the boss.
In the ring: For many years, McMahon just couldn't help making himself one of the major players on his own shows--and his whole family got in on the act. Here, he and his son Shane bludgeon each other with garbage cans and other weapons.
5. Mick Foley
Why I'm a fan: Whether wrestling as Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, or under his own name, Foley is one of the most unique individuals in wrestling history. He was crazy in the ring and hilarious on the mic (and in print--he's written several highly readable books, but his first is by far the best).
On the mic: He's actually probably known more for his bizarre, twisted, serious promos than the funny ones, but I prefer the funny ones.
In the ring: By far his most famous match, this makes it clear why many view Foley as more of a stuntman than a wrestler.
4. Kurt Angle
Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most phenomenal combination of skill in both the major categories, at least for the first few years of his career (if he'd kept it up longer, he might have the top spot on the list). It's weird to think that he's now been in TNA (now the 2nd biggest pro wrestling company) longer than he was in WWE, and it's sad to see him now (injury-prone, far less crisp in the ring and on the mic than he used to be, turning bright purple like he's going to have a heart attack every time he wrestles and making me fear for his safety and that of his opponent) compared to his peak of 1999-2004.
On the mic: The classic wholesome, all-American overachiever, he loved to rub it in that he's so much better than everyone else. He could also be quite funny.
In the ring: Angle doesn't win here, but it's still an amazing match.
3. The Rock
Why I'm a fan: The most charismatic person in the world is probably either Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, or The Rock. He's probably only at #3 for the same reason that I chose Brutus the Barber over Hulk Hogan as my favorite. The Rock is amazing.
On the mic: So many good ones to choose from. This is a hidden gem; I probably haven't seen it in over a decade.
In the ring: My top 25 end up losing in a lot of the matches I'm highlighting, but so be it. The truly great ones are great even in defeat.
2. "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Why I'm a fan: Ahead of his time in the way he wrestled and cut promos. Plus he's really fun to imitate, especially "Snap into a Slim Jim" and the opening lines from this song.
On the mic: I don't think I'd seen this compilation before; it rivals the Warrior video for awesomeness.
In the ring: This is probably the consensus choice for greatest match of all time; I think that's overrating it quite a lot, but it is very good.
1. Chris Jericho
Why I'm a fan: And then there was one. It's no surprise that Jericho's WWF debut was a verbal altercation with The Rock. That was in 1999, and he started calling himself Y2J. He still calls himself that, which is very odd, but other than that he's pretty much the perfect entertainer. You'd think I'd have more to say about my all-time favorite, but...it's been a long blog post.
On the mic: Jericho was absolutely brutal to Stephanie McMahon, the boss's daughter, but especially so in the summer of '01.
In the ring: Wrestling has always been a soap opera, but the story lines move exponentially faster now than they did 25 years ago. Except once in a while the writers and wrestlers take their time and let something amazing develop more naturally. Case in point: the 2008 rivalry between Shawn Michaels and Jericho lasted almost a year, and it was perhaps the best feud of the last quarter-century. This great match was the culmination.
There you have it. If you read all the way to the end of this post, you're probably crazier than Ultimate Warrior and Hawk combined, but I certainly appreciate it.
Beyond that, though, was something that's perhaps even more significant--Monday was the 25th anniversary of the first time I ever watched pro wrestling (and I've never really stopped). That's right, I've been a wrestling fan for a quarter of a century. On that fateful day, I watched the break-up of the Mega Powers, and a lifelong fan was born. Five years ago I chronicled the major events of the first 20 years of my fandom. To commemorate my silver anniversary, here's a countdown of my top 25 favorite sports-entertainers of the past two-and-a-half decades.
Honorable mention: The list of guys who just missed the cut include big stars like Bret "Hitman" Hart, Rob Van Dam, and Sycho Sid; underrated/underutilized talents like Henry O. Godwinn (aka HOG), Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, and Rob Conway; and novelty acts like Too Cool (including Rikishi) and the Godfather. On to the actual list!
25. Mr. Kennedy
Why I'm a fan: I'm not a fan of violence. I don't watch wrestling because I like seeing guys beat each other up. If I was into that kind of thing, I'd follow MMA or boxing instead. I watch wrestling because it's an addictive soap opera, with the best moments coming from characters who are corny or compelling (sometimes both). As a result, this list is largely comprised of competitors who are/were at least at good at talking as they are/were at fighting. And that's why #25 is a good spot for Ken Kennedy--he's one of pro wrestling's most gifted talkers ever, and had an abundance of wrestling skill too, but he never even came close to reaching his potential in WWE. He was unbelievably charismatic, but never said anything besides his name, weight, and hometown, as you'll see below.
On the mic: He rarely strayed far from his basic template, but he was still fun to listen to.
In the ring: In this section I'm not necessarily linking to what I consider my favorite match or their "best" match, but it will always be something noteworthy. Here, Kennedy competes against Eddie Guerrero in what would turn out to be Eddie's final match before his unexpected, tragic death.
24. The Shield
Why I'm a fan: From left to right: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins. They're the only wrestlers on this list who have debuted within the last few years; their inclusion is in part as representatives of the newest generation of Superstars, but they're also extremely impressive athletes, especially when working as a team. Tag team wrestling gets emphasized about one-tenth as much as it did when I started following wrestling, so I really appreciate their team chemistry.
On the mic: I gravitate towards those who cut funny, sarcastic promos, but I can dig intensity too.
In the ring: The three newbies won their WrestleMania debut against three former champions, because the Shield are a real team.
23. Gillberg
Why I'm a fan: At the height of the "Monday Night Wars," WWF turned scrawny jobber (term for a wrestler who always loses, doesn't have theme music or action figures, etc.) Duane Gill into "Gillberg," a parody of rival WCW's biggest star Goldberg, with hilarious results.
On the mic: He does talk here, but his character was really all about the intro: the piped-in Gillberg chants, the security guards flanking him, the hand-held sparklers instead of big pyrotechnics...so great. Bonus: this was the debut of Lita, one of the greatest Divas of all time.
In the ring: Classic Gillberg.
22. Renee Young
Why I'm a fan: The only other "new" talent on this list, besides those who share a spot. Obviously she's very attractive, but she's also dang good as a backstage interviewer. For years, I've suffered through interviews (conducted by men and women) that consist of nothing more than introducing a wrestler and asking them "What are your thoughts?" Renee actually asks good questions, with good follow-ups always at the ready. She also provides occasional match commentary on NXT, the WWE's minor league program, which I believe makes her the first woman ever to do so in more than just a "special guest" role. She's fun and sassy and the only wrestling personality I follow on Twitter--and once she even acknowledged my social media existence!
On the mic: Even when she doesn't get to talk much, Renee still has good body language.
In the ring: Renee doesn't fight, but she did take a bit of a beating from frequent verbal sparring partner Paul Heyman in this interview.
21. Ravishing Rick Rude/Val Venis
Why I'm a fan: It's always a good time when a guy boasts he can please all the women in the audience more than their own men can, then proceeds to elaborately disrobe, then proceeds to beat the crap out of their opponent. Rude was decidedly more PG in his late '80s heyday than Venis, who rose to prominence during the late '90s when wrestling got incredibly sleazy.
On the mic: Low video quality on this Rude supercut, but I'm so glad it exists. Val's promo, as noted above, is fairly risque, but it's dang funny.
In the ring: Both the Ravishing One and the Big Valbowski could back up their boasts in the ring.
20. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
Why I'm a fan: Brutus was Hulk Hogan's real-life and on-screen best friend, and I chose him as my favorite wrestler, likely because the Hulkster was my true favorite but even at 9 years old, I knew he was too obvious a choice. I loved how he put his opponent out with a sleeper hold, then gave them an awful haircut (luckily most jobbers of that era had mullets, so he could just thin out the back without making them completely hideous).
On the mic: He was ok in interviews, but nothing special.
In the ring: This was the Barber's last high-profile match before a parasailing accident "shaved" a few years off his career; when he finally did start wrestling again he wasn't quite the same performer.
19. Yokozuna
Why I'm a fan: Yokozuna, a Hawaiian posing as a Japanese sumo champ, was one of the first agile super-heavyweights. He could put on a much better match than plodders like Andre the Giant, and he was a very convincing bad guy.
On the mic: Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette did all the talking for him.
In the ring: Here's the main reason Yoko made the list...I had this computer game, and he was my favorite character to play as, but also to fight against, because when you hit him cooked turkeys and other food came out of him. Here's one of his more notable real matches.
18. Jerry "The King" Lawler
Why I'm a fan: Lawler started wrestling 40ish years ago, but most fans (including me) think of him first and foremost as an announcer. Old age, poor health, and the WWE's shift back to a PG show have neutered most of the edge he had throughout the '90s and early '00s, but in his prime the King was an amorous, cackling hyena, and he made every show more entertaining.
On the mic: I love that people take the time to make these videos and upload them to YouTube. Thank you, Internet!
In the ring: He had greater triumphs before coming to the WWF/WWE, but this was probably the peak of his in-ring run during my fandom.
17. British Bulldog
Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most underrated wrestler of his era. He was amazingly strong, agile, athletic, and always had a good match, no matter who he was up against.
On the mic: Not the best talker; maybe that's why he only won the lower-tier titles throughout his career.
In the ring: If Bulldog isn't the most underrated, than that title probably goes to his brother-in-law Owen Hart. This match is so good, it's the one that I'm choosing to share even though it's hard to hear the English commentary.
16. The Divas
Why I'm a fan: The WWF/WWE (the name was changed in 2002, almost exactly halfway through my 25 years) call their male talent Superstars and the female talent Divas. Nobody is better (or at least, nobody is more thorough) at branding than the WWE. Pro wrestling has a storied history of misogyny, and the Divas are rarely more than eye candy (or at least are not allowed to be more than that), especially when they engage in bikini contests, the infamous "bra and panties" matches, and other such tawdry fare. But I would be lying if I said I didn't like seeing them, and it would be a gross oversight to not include them in some way on this list. Pictured above are Stacy Keibler (most famous for dating George Clooney) and Alicia Fox (my current favorite Diva), but I could've easily used photos of some of the others I've liked over the years, including Miss Elizabeth, Sunny, Trish Stratus, Lita, or Michelle McCool.
On the mic: The ladies don't get to speak much, but this recent diatribe by current Divas Champ AJ Lee shows that at least some of them deserve more chances on the mic.
In the ring: Few Divas have any wrestling experience when they debut in WWE, but that doesn't stop them from throwing them out there in matches from time to time. They all receive training, but often the matches are pretty sloppy. Some, though, actually show dramatic improvement and become good wrestlers; the most notable of these is probably Stratus, who went from super-awkward in the ring to more than competent. Here's her retirement match against Lita.
15. "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
Why I'm a fan: Beefcake knocked out his opponents and cut their hair; DiBiase upped the humiliation ante, putting his rivals to sleep and then stuffing money in their mouths. He was the ultimate villain, using his wealth to embarrass people, bribe officials, even buy titles. And his laugh...oh, his laugh. So brilliant.
On the mic: This is classic cartoonish supervillainy. Or at least, '80s teen movie Billy Zabka-style villainy.
In the ring: The closest he ever came to winning the WWF title (though he did come even closer to purchasing it at one point).
14. Edge & Christian
Why I'm a fan: The duo achieved greater success as singles wrestlers than as a tag team, but pairing them allows me to include more people on the list. Plus, they literally "reeked of awesomeness" as a hilarious, title-winning team. In the early 2000s they were billed as brothers, but now call each other "best friend" and pretend the familial claims never happened.
On the mic: The 5-second pose...
In the ring: They liked to goof around, but these are two of the best, most fearless wrestlers ever. (Again, they have tons of great matches as solo artists as well, but I really loved them as a team.)
13. The Genius/Damien Sandow
Why I'm a fan: DiBiase drew ire by flaunting his money, these two do it by flaunting their intellect. Lanny Poffo (the real brother of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, still to come on the list) also elicited boos by giving his Genius character some gay undertones; wrestlers and wrestling fans are often homophobic, despite the blatant homoeroticism prevalent in the ring. Sandow doesn't prance and skip like Poffo did, but it's clear his character is based in no small part on the Genius.
On the mic: The Genius topped off the cap and gown with a scroll, and then recited poetry; Sandow merely bragged about his intellectual superiority without proving it through rhyme.
In the ring: At his effeminate best, the Genius could even stymie Hulk Hogan; but Sandow's smarts weren't enough to overcome Hogan's modern-day equivalent, John Cena.
12. Legion of Doom
Why I'm a fan: Cool look, cool music and entrance, really cool finishing move...they were the best tag team of the early '90s.
On the mic: Also, I'm a fan because Hawk (the one on the right) was a little crazy.
In the ring: As much as I liked them, they don't have any particularly memorable matches. Here's their first title win, though.
11. Razor Ramon
Why I'm a fan: Razor was my first officially designated "favorite" wrestler post-Beefcake. I liked the fake Cuban accent, the chains, the hairy chest, but it was the toothpick that put Ramon over the top. He achieved his greatest fame wrestling under his real name Scott Hall, but he's seen even more tragedy.
On the mic: Oh my...I forgot how great the series of vignettes were that aired leading up to his debut. "I will scar...your soul."
In the ring: Razor called himself "the Bad Guy," but he was the good guy in his most famous match.
10. Hulk Hogan
Why I'm a fan: The biggest star in wrestling history. Not much else to say.
On the mic: Hogan's interviews were always full of bombast, energy, intensity, and catchphrases. No one stands out in my mind above the others, but here's a typical example. Well, not that typical--not many promos include the line "thank God Donald Trump is a Hulkamaniac."
In the ring: Hulk got by much more on force of personality than on in-ring skill, but if he was paired with a great wrestler like Randy Savage he could put on a pretty good match.
9. Bobby Heenan
Why I'm a fan: "The Brain" was the best heel (that's the "official" term for villain) manager of my lifetime, and on Lawler's level as a sarcastically evil announcer.
On the mic: Yet another great YouTube supercut.
In the ring: They would sometimes make Heenan wrestle, but it was never a pretty sight. So just watch this instead.
8. Owen Hart
Why I'm a fan: He was already one of my favorites, but tragic, untimely deaths often make legends grow disproportionately, and that's happened with Owen, who died when a stunt went wrong at a Pay-Per-View event in 1999. I still get sad when I think about it.
On the mic: He had some good, wholesome things to say early in his career, but this angry promo is probably his best ever.
In the ring: His greatest moments came either when paired with or against his family, whether his brother-in-law British Bulldog as mentioned above, or classics like this match with his brother Bret.
7. Ultimate Warrior
Why I'm a fan: Oops, maybe I should've warned you about this picture...sorry if you end up having nightmares. Just looking at this photo should make it clear why I was a Warrior fan, but if not, just click these links...
On the mic: ...you could spend an hour watching bizarre Ultimate Warrior rants online, and it would be time well spent, but this mashup is a great place to start. Probably one of my top 10 favorite videos on all of the Internet.
In the ring: Like Hogan, Warrior wasn't a Superstar because of his technical prowess, so once again--Randy Savage to the rescue!
6. Vince McMahon
Why I'm a fan: You couldn't have pro wrestling without Hulk Hogan, but you really couldn't have it without this guy. Vince is the man most responsible for moving wrestling away from trying to pass itself off as legitimate competition, and acknowledging that it's really more like the Harlem Globetrotters. Plus, his onscreen character is even more of a cartoon supervillain than the Million Dollar Man.
On the mic: The prototypical Mr. McMahon promo--I can do whatever you want, and there's nothing you can do about it, because I'm the boss.
In the ring: For many years, McMahon just couldn't help making himself one of the major players on his own shows--and his whole family got in on the act. Here, he and his son Shane bludgeon each other with garbage cans and other weapons.
5. Mick Foley
Why I'm a fan: Whether wrestling as Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, or under his own name, Foley is one of the most unique individuals in wrestling history. He was crazy in the ring and hilarious on the mic (and in print--he's written several highly readable books, but his first is by far the best).
On the mic: He's actually probably known more for his bizarre, twisted, serious promos than the funny ones, but I prefer the funny ones.
In the ring: By far his most famous match, this makes it clear why many view Foley as more of a stuntman than a wrestler.
4. Kurt Angle
Why I'm a fan: Perhaps the most phenomenal combination of skill in both the major categories, at least for the first few years of his career (if he'd kept it up longer, he might have the top spot on the list). It's weird to think that he's now been in TNA (now the 2nd biggest pro wrestling company) longer than he was in WWE, and it's sad to see him now (injury-prone, far less crisp in the ring and on the mic than he used to be, turning bright purple like he's going to have a heart attack every time he wrestles and making me fear for his safety and that of his opponent) compared to his peak of 1999-2004.
On the mic: The classic wholesome, all-American overachiever, he loved to rub it in that he's so much better than everyone else. He could also be quite funny.
In the ring: Angle doesn't win here, but it's still an amazing match.
3. The Rock
Why I'm a fan: The most charismatic person in the world is probably either Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, or The Rock. He's probably only at #3 for the same reason that I chose Brutus the Barber over Hulk Hogan as my favorite. The Rock is amazing.
On the mic: So many good ones to choose from. This is a hidden gem; I probably haven't seen it in over a decade.
In the ring: My top 25 end up losing in a lot of the matches I'm highlighting, but so be it. The truly great ones are great even in defeat.
2. "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Why I'm a fan: Ahead of his time in the way he wrestled and cut promos. Plus he's really fun to imitate, especially "Snap into a Slim Jim" and the opening lines from this song.
On the mic: I don't think I'd seen this compilation before; it rivals the Warrior video for awesomeness.
In the ring: This is probably the consensus choice for greatest match of all time; I think that's overrating it quite a lot, but it is very good.
1. Chris Jericho
Why I'm a fan: And then there was one. It's no surprise that Jericho's WWF debut was a verbal altercation with The Rock. That was in 1999, and he started calling himself Y2J. He still calls himself that, which is very odd, but other than that he's pretty much the perfect entertainer. You'd think I'd have more to say about my all-time favorite, but...it's been a long blog post.
On the mic: Jericho was absolutely brutal to Stephanie McMahon, the boss's daughter, but especially so in the summer of '01.
In the ring: Wrestling has always been a soap opera, but the story lines move exponentially faster now than they did 25 years ago. Except once in a while the writers and wrestlers take their time and let something amazing develop more naturally. Case in point: the 2008 rivalry between Shawn Michaels and Jericho lasted almost a year, and it was perhaps the best feud of the last quarter-century. This great match was the culmination.
There you have it. If you read all the way to the end of this post, you're probably crazier than Ultimate Warrior and Hawk combined, but I certainly appreciate it.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
El-e-phants and, kan-garoosies -roosies
This Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson is about Noah's ark! You probably know the story already, but a review of the principles it teaches is never a bad thing. Study up on it here.
"And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark..." (Genesis 6:19)
Here are two of every type of animal I can think of:
CRACKERS
ALBUMS
KINGDOMS
WRESTLERS
BANDS
BOOKS
STYLES
SONGS
PLACES TO LIVE
MUPPETS
Did I forget any?
"And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark..." (Genesis 6:19)
Here are two of every type of animal I can think of:
CRACKERS
ALBUMS
KINGDOMS
 |
| 2011 Kentucky Derby winner Animal Kingdom |
WRESTLERS
 |
| George "The Animal" Steele |
 |
| Road Warrior Animal, from the legendary tag team Legion of Doom |
BANDS
 |
| Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band whose next biggest hit, "We Gotta Get Out of This Place," would be a good theme song for Noah and his family |
 |
| Animal Collective. I'm almost positive I've never heard any of their songs |
BOOKS
 |
| I haven't read this book, but I have read both titles from the "author of" line |
STYLES
 |
| Animal Style burger from In-N-Out |
 |
| Animal Style fries, from the aforementioned burger joint |
SONGS
PLACES TO LIVE
MUPPETS
Did I forget any?
Sunday, February 2, 2014
It's Cain and Abel, not Cain and Mabel
It's been (and will continue to be) a busy, busy week and weekend for me, so this post will be pretty short. With the Super Bowl, school, work, preparing a lesson for Elders Quorum, writing a paper, donating blood, attending multiple birthday parties, attending multiple Burns Suppers, and more, free time has been scarce lately.
This week is the Cain and Abel lesson; you can prepare for it by studying the material found here. If Cain and Abel are going to coincide with a Super Bowl Sunday, it really should've been last year, when brothers John and Jim Harbaugh coached the two participating teams. Also, the lights went out for a while, and that's pretty scriptural, if not downright Biblical.
This year, I guess you could force a comparison in a couple ways--Peyton Manning is trying to match younger brother Eli with his 2nd Super Bowl title, in a game played at Eli's home stadium no less; and the mayors of Seattle and Denver made a bet on the game's outcome, appearing to literally "make an offering" to Stephen Colbert:
Both were offering flesh--no grains--so the comparison kind of falls apart there. Anyway, the if the Seahawks win, I'll be a fan of a championship team for the first time in my life, so I'm pretty excited for the game.
One other comment about Cain and Abel--a bunch of people (this site says it's "widely, presumptively assumed") are under the impression that Cain and Abel were the only children Adam and Eve had (in totality, or at least until Seth was born), and that just baffles me. LDS scriptures are more direct in stating Adam and Eve had many sons and daughters concurrently with Cain and Abel (see Moses 5:2, for example), but even the KJV indicates the first couple's plethora of progeny (see Genesis 5:4). Just because the Bible mentions Cain's wives before it mentions Eve's daughters doesn't mean that his family tree didn't grow out of his dating pool.
The God-fearing Flanders family fall into the "where did Cain's wives come from?" camp--start at the 6:23 mark of this video. Interestingly, that episode centers around Homer and Ned producing the Super Bowl halftime show--now that is synergy! Go 'Hawks!
This week is the Cain and Abel lesson; you can prepare for it by studying the material found here. If Cain and Abel are going to coincide with a Super Bowl Sunday, it really should've been last year, when brothers John and Jim Harbaugh coached the two participating teams. Also, the lights went out for a while, and that's pretty scriptural, if not downright Biblical.
This year, I guess you could force a comparison in a couple ways--Peyton Manning is trying to match younger brother Eli with his 2nd Super Bowl title, in a game played at Eli's home stadium no less; and the mayors of Seattle and Denver made a bet on the game's outcome, appearing to literally "make an offering" to Stephen Colbert:
Both were offering flesh--no grains--so the comparison kind of falls apart there. Anyway, the if the Seahawks win, I'll be a fan of a championship team for the first time in my life, so I'm pretty excited for the game.
One other comment about Cain and Abel--a bunch of people (this site says it's "widely, presumptively assumed") are under the impression that Cain and Abel were the only children Adam and Eve had (in totality, or at least until Seth was born), and that just baffles me. LDS scriptures are more direct in stating Adam and Eve had many sons and daughters concurrently with Cain and Abel (see Moses 5:2, for example), but even the KJV indicates the first couple's plethora of progeny (see Genesis 5:4). Just because the Bible mentions Cain's wives before it mentions Eve's daughters doesn't mean that his family tree didn't grow out of his dating pool.
The God-fearing Flanders family fall into the "where did Cain's wives come from?" camp--start at the 6:23 mark of this video. Interestingly, that episode centers around Homer and Ned producing the Super Bowl halftime show--now that is synergy! Go 'Hawks!
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