Decade of Disquiet

July 4th was kind of weird for me this year. In part, it's because jingoism generally rubs me the wrong way. I'm certainly grateful to be an American, but am not "traditionally" patriotic. But that's a topic for another time, and likely not a topic for this blog.

The main reason it was weird, the reason I'm feeling all contemplative, the reason this blog post is more journal entry and less humor column, is that July 4th marked ten years since I returned home from my LDS mission to Scotland.

Ten years. A whole decade. That's a long time. And when I think back to what I was like back in 2001, and where I expected my life to be in 2011, it's clear that in some respects I've underachieved, that I'm living well below my privileges.

I certainly don't consider myself a failure; there are many things I've accomplished, many things I've experienced, many people I've met, etc., that have brought me incredible satisfaction and happiness over the years. And it's not lost on me that some of these likely wouldn't have happened if things I describe below had gone differently. But today I'm focusing on my regrets and shortcomings.

One big regret I have is how poorly I've kept in touch with people over the last decade. Every July 4th, I make a joke that in 2001 I had my personal Independence Day, escaping from the shackles of missionary life, but in reality I loved my two years in Scotland, and was sad to have to leave the people there. There were probably at least two dozen people (fellow missionaries and native Scots) I assumed I would stay in close contact with for the rest of my life.

But that hasn't happened. Email was unfortunately not quite ubiquitous yet by the end of my mission, or I probably would've done better. But I've been very neglectful, and not just to friends from my mission. Relationships with too many extended family, high school friends, Provo friends, improv friends, and New York friends have faded or even disappeared completely, no matter how much time I spend on Facebook.

That aside, there are two areas of my current life that 2001 Jeff would probably be pretty surprised about: dating/marriage and career. Those are some moderately important areas.

I've never been the type to set a lot of specific goals (that's likely contributed to some of my frustrations), but when I returned from Scotland I had some assumptions about what would happen in the next few years. I figured I'd be the type of RM that gets married within a year or two, and I anticipated that after college I'd be "discovered" somehow, and work in some kind of fun broadcasting position (sportscaster, DJ, game show host, etc.). These things didn't happen.

More specifically on marriage...I recognize that I don't have total control over this, but I have much more control than I've exercised. I go through stretches where I try to date a lot, but even longer stretches where I don't date at all. As a result I've never even been close to getting married, never had a very serious relationship. (Considering how bummed out I've been on more than one occasion when a girl rejected me after just two or three dates, this might not be all bad.)

So why don't I date more? Mainly, it's a potent mix of fear and laziness. It's not a fear of commitment; it's mainly a fear of the awkward phone call to ask someone out, and some fear of rejection. Laziness is the bigger issue--it's so much easier not to date, to stay in my various ruts. I'm not afraid of marriage; it's something I really want, and that I feel--I hope--that I'm ready for. The fact that I've been home from my mission for a decade and am still single is not the end of the world, but reflecting on the last ten years I definitely regret not consistently making this more of a priority.

The biggest disappointments, though, are those relating to my career. Mainly, I'm disappointed that I don't really have a career. You see, I'm really, really, really smart. I'm not as humble as I should be, but I'm smart. Maybe even brilliant. I've been blessed with some pretty amazing intellectual gifts and talents, and it's been baffling to me why, since college, I've gone through two separate months-long periods of unemployment, and the jobs I've eventually found are low-paying entry level positions that didn't require a college degree.

I say it's been baffling, but I know a few reasons that have contributed to the situation I find myself in now. For starters, I probably chose the wrong major. My college experience was phenomenal, and I love my classes and professors. But I was never really interested in the latter half of "Broadcast Journalism," and haven't really pursued a career in "my field" since the Marie and Friends show was canceled in late 2004. A new major was created my last year at BYU that matches up better with my interests and aptitudes, but I didn't really want to start over.

Probably the biggest contributing factor is complacency. The job search process is so demoralizing that, once I find a job, I generally shudder at the thought of continuing to look for something better. I worked for a company in Provo for over three years because it was "good enough," even though I often didn't enjoy my work and there was virtually no room for advancement. But it paid my bills and was far better than being unemployed. Similarly, complacency is likely the main reason I've never returned to school since graduating in 2004, even though I've thought about it at least semi-regularly since about 2006.

I also would describe my job interview skills as below average, and I've had more than a little bad luck (such as breaking out of my complacency rut to move to New York and look for a job, only to have my gall bladder explode a few weeks later, and then the economy exploded a few weeks after that). Whatever the ultimate cause(s), over the last decade I've basically been floating from job to job rather than pursuing a career that will provide fulfillment and stability and allow me to provide for a family. (My lack of career success has likely had a bigger impact on my lack of commitment to dating than I consciously realize.)

In writing this, I'm not looking for sympathy. Mostly, my life is very, very good, and the last decade has been the best one of my life. Writing this out has been cathartic for me. Most of my regrets and shortcomings have been caused by my own inaction, and a big reason I'm posting this publicly is to (hopefully) motivate myself to overcome my complacency and achieve the things I know I can.

So I think this is plenty for now...I'll get back to my usual blogging style soon, I promise. But even someone like me has to be serious sometimes. Once every ten years sounds just about right.