Found in Translation

This week's Sunday School lesson focuses on Joseph Smith's crucial role as Prophet, Seer, Revelator, and Translator, bringing forth the vast majority of the Standard Works of the LDS Church.

I struggled to think of anything to write on this topic, which is ironic since the main point of these Sunday School posts is to promote scripture study. Instead, I will share one of my favorite videos the Church has ever produced.

It's hard for me to do a completely serious post, so I'll point out a few quirks from the video that I enjoy:

--Old-timey shaving scenes with their old-timey shaving implements are always funny to me.
--It's kind of a bummer to see the woman who powerfully asked, "What does that mean, you've been the good guy?" in The Prodigal Son, deliver a line as cheesy as "I discovered I was missing a husband."
--President Obama wasn't the first person to bear a striking resemblance to an actor portraying the devil. Right, Ammon?

The film is fairly long, but well worth your time. I'm so glad to have The Book of Mormon in my life. I know it is the word of God.

Cookie Sheet Revisited

[Last month I reached a blogging milestone: for the first time ever, one of my posts (in this case, from my old blog) reached 1000 page views. I'm not sure which link or combination of words I used that is driving so many people to that post, but it's blowing the competition away--on that blog, there are three other posts around the 700 mark, but no other post has even reached 250; and no post on this blog, though it averages more views per post than the old one, has even one-third as many views as the inaugural member of the 1K Club.

To honor the occasion I'm reposting "Cookie Sheet," which originally went online on October 2, 2009, with some updates and commentary in italics.]

National Cookie Month began yesterday. [Again, this is an old post. Cookie Month isn't until October, sadly.] Since I eat so many cookies all year long, I don't plan to do any extra cookie-related celebrating in October (except for on the 20th, my half-birthday, when I anticipate a pizza-pan-sized chocolate chip cookie from my mom--that's our tradition; and, I suppose, this blog post). I even missed out on free cookie day at Mrs. Fields yesterday, which is about twice the monetary value as free cookie day would've been back when I worked there in 1996 (since then, brownie prices at Mrs. Fields are virtually unchanged, but cookies cost less than a buck when I was in high school).

I really, really love cookies. Like pizza, even the worst cookies are generally still very edible. Nilla Wafers, fortune cookies, the really cheap store brand, Teddy Grahams, Nutter Butters, the burnt leftovers from a homemade batch...these might not be my top choices [looking at that list, it probably won't be a surprise to learn that my top choices generally include chocolate], but if that's what's available I'll gladly eat them. But I definitely have my favorites, which I will break down by source. I'm sure some good ones will be omitted, either through forgetfulness or my ignorance; please enlighten me in the comments.

HOMEMADE

I've tried many delicious cookies made from home recipes, but none will ever top my mom's chocolate chip. They come out perfect every time, and the dough is also phenomenal. My mother is a wizard in the kitchen, but she specializes in baked goods. Her manhole covers, chocolate crinkles, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, or even the butter brickle batch she baked this morning are all tremendous, but the classic chocolate chip will always hold the top spot.

FUNDRAISER

Although it's kind of pricey, that frozen dough elementary school kids sell usually makes pretty good cookies. But this category exists mainly as a tribute to Girl Scout Cookies. The Thin Mints are fine, but what I really want is about nine boxes of Samoas, and three or four Tagalongs. You go, Girls! [In 2012, Tagalongs took over the top spot on this list, though I do still love Samoas. Thin Mints are a very distant third.]

RESTAURANT/BAKERY
Cookies from a bakery are usually high quality (at least if they were made that day), even if they're semi-mass produced. I really like the cookies from Albertson's bakery, for example. Pinnacle, the deli/a la carte place I frequented while working at Columbia, had excellent cookies.

ESPNZone makes an amazing cookie dessert (right, Larissa?) that's more filling than most entrees. I'm surprised I can't think of more restaurant cookie concoctions right now; I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting. [Here's another place that has a good one.]

A return visit to Smart Cookie in Provo is long overdue. You can't do better for the money than buying a J-Dawg, then walking next door to SC and buying delicious cookies for a quarter each. Or, even better, getting an ice cream cookie sandwich. [The comments on the original post informed me that the Provo Smart Cookie is, alas, no more, though they're still going strong at their other two locations.]

And, of course, there's Mrs. Fields. My first job was not quite as great as I thought it might be (leftovers at the end of the day are given to charity, not employees), but it was still pretty sweet. Or semisweet. Or white chocolate macadamia. Or cinnamon sugar. Or my very favorite, chewy fudge. Mmmm....chewy fudge...

I still remember being the most popular guy at Fashion Place Mall when I'd wander out with the sample tray. Of course, when there was only one piece left on the tray, I had to eat it, because I would feel bad if two people walked by and I didn't have enough for everyone.

STORE-BOUGHT

Of course your fancy brands like Milanos and Soft Batch are great, but I usually go with what's on sale. My preferred cheaper cookie is Chunky Chips Ahoy!, followed by the chocolate lovers variety (in cookies, the more chocolate, the better) of Keebler's Chips Deluxe. The more convenient packaging isn't the only thing that gives Nabisco the nod over Keebler, but it's definitely a factor. A new soft baked chunky Chips Ahoy! came out a few years ago and quickly became my favorite, but for some reason the recipe changed within a few months and it's not as good now.

With as many cookies as I eat, though, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'll often switch things up, buying a different variety of those brands, or Oreos, or Mother's circus animals, or the bite-size Otis Spunkmeyer, or whatever.

CEREAL

Last but not least...what better way to start your day than with a bowl full of cookies? Keebler recently unveiled a new entry, and it's delicious. Or at least I think it is, but apparently not many agree: it seems to have already disappeared from supermarket shelves.

After all these years, Cookie Crisp is still a solid breakfast option. The new double chocolate variety, however, is not as good, which I guess is the exception that proves my more-is-better chocolate rule. Well, that, and the time I poured chocolate milk on Cocoa Puffs.

That's all I can think of right now for types of cookies I eat, but while we're on the subject of Cookie Crisp, there's one more cookie category that needs to be discussed: mascots. All of the best cookie mascots of my childhood are gone or altered.

The Cookie Cop and the Cookie Crook were great spokesmen for Cookie Crisp. Later, they added Chip the Dog as the Crook's henchman, and that was fine. But then someone decided to eliminate the Cop and Crook, keeping only the dog. And now they have a different dog, one that's much more wolf-like. What gives?

And don't get me started on the ultimate cookie character, Cookie Monster. He used to be my role model, with a diet consisting entirely of cookies. But now they've got him promoting healthy eating and saying cookies are only a "sometimes" food.

Back in my day, the only time they even hinted about Cookie Monster eating a healthy diet was suggesting that cookies grow on trees.

There, I'm off my soapbox. I haven't needed it much since I grew tall enough to reach the cookie jar on my own. I think I'll go get one now.

[Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, about to hit the "Publish" button, my sister Julie knocked on my door. She had come to drop off the latest installment in the amazing Cookie of the Month Club she designed for me as a Christmas present. Julie claims to like cookies as much as or even more than me. I freely admit she makes better cookies than I do, but this post helps to show that nobody eats them like I do.]

Children of Israel: the #1 "Seed" in God's Bracket

The lesson in Gospel Doctrine this week is all about the gathering of the House of Israel. I studied up on the topic early in the week, because I knew that I'd be too distracted to do so later on, thanks to another gathering with high stakes (of Zion or otherwise)--the NCAA basketball tournament. That's right, March Madness is here again!

In typical fashion, I've smashed the Sunday School curriculum together with something completely unrelated. Using the meaning of the names of Israel's children and/or the blessings he gave them in Genesis 49, I've assigned three tribes to each tournament region. Some connections were much more tenuous than others, but rest assured they're all ridiculous. Let's check who's going to make the Final Four and eventually follow in the tradition of David (i.e., be crowned the "champion" of the House of Israel).

MIDWEST REGION

Gad: Jacob prophesied that "a troop shall overcome him" (Gen. 49:19). The Crusaders of Valparaiso are troops, and by the time this gets published they will have been overcome by the Spartan troops of Michigan St. The name Gad means "good fortune," and the quirky Billiken mascot of Saint Louis is basically a giant good luck charm.
Joseph: Jacob goes on and on about Joseph being a fruitful bough (see Gen. 49:22-26), and who better to tend a vineyard than someone from an agricultural school? The Midwest features the Aggies of both New Mexico St. and North Carolina A&T. Don't expect either to last long in the tourney, though.
Naphtali: The name means "wrestlings," and the Oklahoma St. Cowboys have won more NCAA wrestling titles than any other school. Too bad this is basketball.

The Midwest tribes do a better job of connecting to more teams than the other regions, but they didn't include many of the top seeds. MSU and SLU give the nod to Gad, but he may be vulnerable in the Final Four.

REGIONAL CHAMP: Gad

WEST REGION

Judah: Judah is "a lion's whelp" (Gen. 49:9). There are no lions (Nittany or otherwise) in this year's tourney, but there are Wildcats from Arizona and Kansas St. in this region, and that's generic enough to work here. So there you go, Judah.
Reuben: Israel described his firstborn as the beginning of strength but also as unstable (see Gen. 49:3-4). In the animal kingdom, when you want to talk unbridled strength matched with unstable ferocity, you begin with the honeybadger. Plain old Wisconsin Badgers can be pretty aggressive too.
Simeon: In Gen. 49:6, Simeon's great anger was singled out by his father. When one gets really angry, their face often turns beet red, even crimson, if you will. Simeon is the Ivy League champ Harvard Crimson. (I told you some connections were sketchier than others.

If some school had a sandwich-based mascot, it would be Reuben all the way. But the double Wildcats tip the scales here.

REGIONAL CHAMP: Judah

SOUTH REGION

Asher: Asher means happy. I don't know if crocs are happy, but all those teeth sure make it look like they're smiling. The Florida Gators get a shout-out in this post.
Dan: "Dan shall be a serpent," Israel said (Gen. 49:17). Earlier in Genesis, the devil assumed the form of a serpent. The Duke Blue Devils are in a different region, but the Northwestern State Demons will do here.
Issachar: On to Issachar, who is "a strong ass" (Gen. 49:14). San Diego St. has the strongest Ass-tecs in the entire tournament field.

The Aztecs win the crown of lamest connection in this post, but it's enough to advance Issy out of a weak region.

REGIONAL CHAMP: Issachar

EAST REGION

Benjamin: Jacob likens his youngest to a ravenous wolf. So an entire pack of wolves (in this case, the Pack from North Carolina St.) is actually a logical connection, an increasingly rare sight as this post goes on.
Levi: The Levites were consecrated to serve in the temple. The Temple Owls are the Wolfpack's first-round opponent.
Zebulun: "Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships" (Gen. 49:13). If you focus on the first phrase of that verse and completely disregard the second, then a comparison to the Miami Hurricanes makes a lot of sense.

But it's hard to disregard that second phrase. With the focus on gathering Israel, it's also hard to disregard a connection to temple ordinances.

REGIONAL CHAMP: Levi

FINAL FOUR

The "troop" teams seem a bit better than the Wildcat entries, so Gad squeaks by Judah to challenge Levi for the crown (really, Issachar was a bit of a fraud as a regional champion). Moses was the most famous Levite ever. The most famous basketball Moses, Moses Malone, went straight from high school to the pros, and never participated in March Madness. In a bracket this random and arbitrary, that's a good enough reason for me for Levi to lose.

ISRAEL'S CHAMPION: GAD

Congratulations, Gad! Enjoy your one shining moment.

The thing of most worth

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

Over the years I've heard many people give some variation of that line (as well as the opposite "it was meant to be," though the version with the negative verb seems to be much more common). As most of the people I know are Latter-day Saints, and an even greater majority are Christian, these statements of fate often invoke the Lord's influence: "I guess it wasn't God's will."

Here's the thing, though: I don't think our lives work that way, at least most of the time. These comments seem to be made most often regarding some big life decision--which college to attend, who to marry, where to live, etc. And since, as I stated above, it's usually the "wasn't" version that's used, the comment is frequently made after some failure or disappointment in one of these areas.

For example, I lived in New York City from 2007-2009. I was unemployed the majority of that time, and that is a bad place to have to live off of savings for an extended time. Eventually, I couldn't afford to live there any longer, and moved back to Utah and into my parents' basement, frustrated and penniless. Over my final months in New York and my first few months back in Utah, my mom told me several times that me living in New York must not have been meant to be, that Heavenly Father must have something else planned for me. I know she meant well, but I always found this a little annoying, because I was convinced (and still am) that not only would I have been happy had I been able to continue indefinitely in NYC, but that I would have been able to fulfill God's will for me there just as well as I can here.

I know for a fact that God does give guidance to those who seek it, and that many times He will make it undeniably clear which path should be taken when one is facing a tough decision. And I believe that we should seek His will to influence our choices and our lives. However, I feel that in the vast majority of situations, the choice is left up to us. I feel confident that Heavenly Father did not care whether I lived in New York, in Utah, or someplace else. He only cared that I keep His commandments.

This week's Sunday School reading contains a couple of fascinating Doctrine and Covenants sections. Let's start with Section 15, which was a revelation from Joseph Smith to John Whitmer. The section heading (unchanged in the newly released update to the LDS scriptures) states that "the message is intimately and impressively personal in that the Lord tells of what was known only to John Whitmer and Himself."

The heading is referring to verses 4 and 6: "For many times you have desired of me to know that which would be of the most worth unto you...the thing which will be of the most worth unto you will be to declare repentance unto this people."

To have a prophet tell you something he only could've known through revelation...that's pretty cool, right? Well, if you go on and read Section 16 (a revelation directed to John Whitmer's brother Peter), you may notice something. There's no mention in the heading of anything "intimately and impressively personal," but check out verses 4 and 6:

"For many times you have desired of me to know that which would be of the most worth unto you...the thing which will be of the most worth unto you will be to declare repentance unto this people."

Sound familiar? It should--those verses (and all six in the section, actually) are an exact, word-for-word copy of Section 15. To me, the fact that the two revelations are identical does not take away from their highly personal nature. Both brothers had a great desire to know God's will for them, to know what was the most important thing that they could do. And God told them. The answer just happened to be the same for both of them.

And I believe it's the same for the rest of us, too. The Whitmer brothers' most important work was to share the gospel, a slightly more specific instruction than that given to Hyrum Smith in D&C 11 (also part of this week's assigned Gospel Doctrine reading): "Behold, this is your work, to keep my commandments, yea, with all your might, mind and strength" (v. 20).

As I said above, I know that God can and does guide and direct His children in very specific ways in some instances. He is all powerful, and can intervene dramatically in mortal affairs when needed. I have no idea why some like Abraham and Ammon were saved from those who wished to kill them, while others like Abinadi and the women and children of Ammonihah were not. But I believe this only strengthens the idea that whether we're dealing with life or death, happiness or sadness, success or failure--or more likely, a grab bag including all of the above--the most important thing in any situation is to keep the commandments.

In short: yes, we need to have faith in Heavenly Father's ability to guide our lives, faith enough to seek out personal revelation and follow it. But I think it's even more important that we have faith in Heavenly Father's ability to strengthen and sustain us as we strive to keep His commandments, regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this subject. Are you a proponent of the "meant to be/wasn't meant to be" philosophy? Do we all actually believe the same thing but just use different terminology? How do we strike the right balance between seeking divine guidance and exercising our agency?

She and Hymn

This week's reading assignment for Sunday School is super short--just one section. So it's ok that I'm not posting this until late Saturday night. The section in question is directed to Joseph Smith's wife Emma, and includes instructions to compile the first LDS hymnal.

It's been about a week since the announcement was made regarding the new LDS edition of the scriptures, and now many Mormons are likely wondering--will there also be a new hymnbook? By which they really mean, when will "Come Thou Fount" be official again?




In case they do update it soon, here are some scattered thoughts on some selections from the current LDS hymnbook.

Hymn #3--Within the last year or two, I've heard entire congregations nail the minor differences in the chorus of the 3rd verse. In the first 30-ish years of my life, I don't think I ever heard it sung without at least a few people messing up.
#5--When I hear people say that gays are not welcome in the LDS church, I like to direct them to the final couplet of the 2nd verse of this hymn.
#26--One of my pet peeves is when choirs add a pause between "Joseph" and "this is my beloved" in the last verse. It really bugs me for some reason.
#64--Speaking of choirs...this was the first song I ever learned as part of one (for seminary graduation). I liked it so much I had it sung at my mission farewell.
#78--The fanfare! I don't think every hymn should begin with a fanfare. But I think most of them should.
#134--Written by the legendary Bruce R. McConkie. I love the way he says "b'lieve."
#147--Read the first word of each verse consecutively. Once you do, I guarantee you'll never be able to not read them that way when you see the lyrics.
#169--I think this hymn was written by a man I once interviewed for an article about pheromones for the BYU newspaper. Take that for what it's worth.
#179--I'm not super familiar with this hymn, but the lyricist and composer were born in the same year and died in the same year. Eerie.
#194--When I was a kid, my bishop once announced this hymn as "There is a Green House Far Away." For some reason, EVERYBODY remembered this forever. My family would joke about it regularly; the bishop would later move from our ward, but returned to speak before leaving on a mission with his wife, and in his talk he referenced the gaffe. It had surprising staying power.
#204--I have no idea why, but in Scotland they sing the third verse of this hymn differently than American Mormons do. Instead of singing "With the dawn of re-dee-eem-ing grace," they sing "With the daw-awn of re-deem-ing grace." They don't change the cadence of the first two verses, just the third. They use the same hymnbook with the same music as us Yanks. And this happened in two different wards in two different Decembers, so it wasn't just a one-off situation. A very unusual phenomenon.
#205-206--Between these two hymns is the exact midpoint of the hymn book (including preface, index, etc.). I got bored once in sacrament meeting and took the time to figure it out.
#227--I can't sing the 2nd verse of this hymn without thinking of this song.
#249--I know I'm not the only one from my generation who still thinks the word "soosimay" (I'm sure that's not how it's spelled) when singing this one.
#296--This hymn was written by someone named F. Bland Tucker. I wonder what the "F" could possible stand for. It must be pretty awful if they would choose to go by Bland.
#307--This song's inclusion in the hymnbook is peculiar. Seems like it would be a much better fit for the Children's Songbook.
#338, 340--I'm not patriotic in the traditional sense (in that I don't post a new pro-gun meme on Facebook every day), but I do enjoy singing both of these anthems in church. I especially love it when all verses are sung, as the later verses in both cases are even more stirring than the well-known first verses.

That's plenty for now. See you all "When We Meet Again in Sabbath School" (#282)!

#Trending

For a glorious few days last month, I was the ruler of social media comedy. It started on Valentine's Day, when one of my tweets was read on the air by Jimmy Fallon during his weekly "Hashtags" segment. Jimmy says my name about halfway through the above clip. Check here if you can't watch the video, or if you want to see the slideshow of other tweets that were funny but not, you know, as funny as mine.

(In case you're wondering...the date in question happened about three years ago, a blind date that was arranged by a fellow ordinance worker at the Jordan River Temple. I shared the funniest and most complete version that would fit in 140 characters. If there was more space, I could've provided additional clarifying information, but if I did I also probably wouldn't have been on the show. I did not lie, but I also didn't tell the whole story. :-))

The show aired Thursday night, but I didn't find about it until Friday. The next day I was still basking in my newfound "fame" when I got an email with the subject line "Jim Gaffigan is now following you on Twitter." (Gaffigan, of course, is my favorite comedian.) A few minutes later, another email: "Jim Gaffigan mentioned you on Twitter." This was the mention.

A few days before, I had tweeted a video to Jim as part of a contest he's running to promote his new book. The video was shot after my dinner group one night. We turned my friend Lisa's living room into a makeshift comedy club, with me reading an excerpt from the book while holding a Gaffigan mask in front of my face. I even added a few comments in Gaffigan's trademark "audience voice."

The video admittedly turned out to be pretty awful, but I didn't care, I just wanted to get something in before the deadline. Apparently I was one of the few who did, or maybe Jim liked my concept despite the poor production values, because as the tweet I linked to above indicates, I won a famous follower, four tickets to an upcoming show, and an awkward handshake after said show.

(I'll be heading to a show in Chicago on April 19th--my birthday weekend! I still have no idea who I'll be bringing with me; if you want to be considered, make your case in the comments.)

Jim also linked to my video on all his social platforms--Twitter, of course, but also Tumblr and Facebook. The FB post is particularly fun, because it illustrates beautifully the downside of being a "celebrity," or really just trafficking in social media generally: there's always people looking to tear others down. For some reason, 36 people "Liked" the post, but the three or four who posted negative comments are the ones that stick in my head. I particularly like the "keep your day job" comment. Something similar was said on most of the half dozen or so videos that won the contest. As if, even if I was really, really good at reading book excerpts while wearing a creepy mask, there are legitimate career opportunities for something like that. I know reading online comments from strangers is a fruitless endeavor, and that I shouldn't let things like that bother me (especially since, as I admitted above, the criticisms are accurate), but when someone says something nasty about you the first instinct is definitely to respond in kind.

Fame in general is fleeting, but social media fame is even more ephemeral. It's been less than three weeks since my Fallon appearance, but he's already done two new Hashtag segments since then. I was the first to win Gaffigan's video contest, but several others got the same royal treatment from the king of Hot Pockets over the next few days. When something like this happens, it's easy to get carried away and imagine scenarios where Jimmy is so impressed by my tweet that he offers me a job as a writer on his show. But that's not realistic.

Except...last Friday I got an email from someone who works in our New York office (I'm a social media guru of sorts for JetBlue--a professional tweeter, basically--though this blog and my personal social media accounts reflect my own views and not those of my employer). She told me that she had seen my tweet during a taxi ride (NYC taxis have TVs that run a loop of videos including news, commercials, weather, warnings to tourists on how to avoid getting ripped off, etc.)!

As far as I know, the content on Taxi TV stays in rotation for 2 or 3 weeks, so it looks like my moment in the sun will last just a little bit longer. I'm not gonna lie--it feels pretty good.

Hoffmann of the Month: March

March's "Hoffmann of the Month" (spelled that way to encompass all Hofmans, Hoffmans, Hofmanns, and Hoffmanns) is comedian Ben Hoffman. I'm a few days late getting this up, but my tardiness allowed me to include his appearance on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night.

Ben is a comedian whose new show, The Ben Show, debuted on Comedy Central last week. The show is TERRIBLE. The clip above is kinda funny, but nothing on his show approached even that level of humor. On top of that, it was also extremely crass, though that's not surprising given its time slot and the network it appears on. I don't recommend that anyone watch it, but if you want to try it out for yourself, you may do so here.

So if I hate the show, why am I honoring Ben Hoffman as the Hoffmann of the Month? Because he's an inspiration to anyone who has dreams of becoming a celebrity. He has proved that, even if you're virtually unknown (his bio is tiny and his resume only slightly longer, though I'm jealous of his appearances on New Girl and Arrested Development, small though they were), and don't seem to be particularly talented or likable, you can still get your own TV show. Congratulations, Ben!

You got the right one, baby

This week's Sunday School lesson is titled, "The Only True and Living Church." Well of course us Mormons are going to claim to be the one true church, but even we agree that the more witnesses you have, the better. And we've got the support of some venerable icons of TV comedy, Saturday Night Live and South Park. Not bad, eh?