Tis the Season to Be 'Merica

I neglected to write a BASOTRUSSL (Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson) post last week, but that's ok because that lesson (on being good citizens) and this week's lesson (on the Family Proclamation) make for a natural, logical combination.

Recently, it's become a cottage industry of sorts to take a widely read blog post (whether it be on how/why modesty is taught, who marriage is "for," liberal Mormons, the perceived equivalency of pornography consumption and adultery, or myriad other topics) and write a critical response in an effort to become more widely read themselves.

I find the trend a little irritating, though some of the response pieces are interesting and well-written. Turns out I'm a bit of a hypocrite, though, for while this post is not a direct response to a specific blog, I will be giving contrary opinions on a few items dealing with the intersection between family, religion, and politics and government that have had some traction in social media lately. A few things to keep in mind before I really get going:

--I do not write this blog for altruistic purposes. I choose my topics either because they interest me, or to attract readers and draw attention to myself--often both. I make this admission because that is the main thing I dislike about these "response to" posts: they too often present themselves with a "I was so outraged that I had to respond" air of moral superiority, when in most if not all cases the writer's primary purpose is actually to drive page views.

--My default position on political issues is apathy (which, combined with what I wrote above, is why I rarely write about them). So, when I express some views below that are at least somewhat libertarian in nature, there's more than a tinge of laziness that has created those views. Along those lines, while the views I express are firm, I don't think about these things as often as a lot of other people do.

--I am a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Just because I feel that government should (or shouldn't) do certain things, doesn't mean I believe the Church should adjust its doctrines or policies accordingly. This will likely be reiterated at least once later on.

Boy, that was a long intro. Let's get down to business.

"IF YOU SHOP ON THANKSGIVING, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM"

Working in retail sucks. There's no getting around it. My first two jobs were at a mall and a department store and included one "holiday season." I hope I never have to do that kind of work again. But I think it's wrong to assume that retail workers have a family to spend Thanksgiving with (or that those who do all want to spend that day with family), or that working on the holiday prevents them from having quality family time.

It's unfortunate, but many people don't have great family situations, and the holidays can be a painful time for them. For most, spending ten hours on their feet dealing with frantic shoppers isn't going to fill that "happy family" void, but I think we ought to be careful not to project our values and desires onto other people.

I also contend that extended "Black Friday" shopping hours need not keep retail workers away from their families for the entire holiday. I work in the airline industry (this is a good place to point out that my blog is a forum for my views only, not those of my employer). Although it's not an "essential" profession (no rational person will argue that all doctors should have Thanksgiving off, for example), under normal conditions there's never a time when my airline doesn't have planes in the air. There's no such thing as a day off--in fact, we're prohibited from using vacation time on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I work a graveyard shift, and have for a while, so I can relate to those who had to work odd hours this weekend. I likely have at least slightly more control over which hours I work, and working overnight works well with my school schedule, but--it can be hard. I generally sleep very poorly. But this week I worked Wednesday night into Thursday morning, slept a little, spent several quality hours with my family, then worked again that night. It was tiring, but far from impossible, to see my family this weekend.

Many are concerned with the wages and working conditions of retail employees, as well as the unnecessary violence that Black Friday "doorbusters" beget, and rightly so. But those are separate topics from simply getting worked up about stores being open on Thanksgiving.

THE PORNOGRAPHY "OPT-IN" PETITION

I did not sign this petition, partly due to the aforementioned apathy, but there were two additional reasons for my reluctance.

First off, it was far too unspecific. Would only "hardcore" pictures and videos be included? What about photos of Maxim bikini models, or reviews of Fifty Shades of Gray, or even the revealing pictures of me in my Doughboy costume? I feel the petition's intent was noble but too ill-defined for me to support.

The second reason--I believe current safeguards are sufficient to protect people from stumbling into pornography innocently or unaware. My job (monitoring tweets and Facebook posts for JetBlue) often requires me to do some Internet research to figure out the meaning or context of things people are saying, or to try to find out some background information on someone in order to respond in the most appropriate way possible. To give just one work-related example, there have been a couple of times when porn actors have tweeted questions, jokes, or non sequiturs, and in determining whether to reply or not I've noticed that Google will not autopopulate a search for adult entertainers--you have to type out the full name. Even with SafeSearch off. I'm convinced that, even with just a basic content filter, inadvertently encountering pornography on the Internet happens far less frequently than the petition's supporters would have us believe.

While filters and other safeguards can protect against most cases of "surprise" porn, the other side of that coin is that there's really no way to stop someone from viewing it if they really want to. If you haven't "opted in" on your home computer, your kid could still find a way to access porn at a friend's house, on a handheld device, or some other way. The only way to ensure kids (and adults) stay away from pornography is to educate them, help them to understand why it is evil, and to commit to avoiding it.

Make no mistake about it, pornography is evil. It tempts me more than any other vice, and it can be very difficult to resist. I wish it did not exist. But I do not think the government should be the ones imposing restrictions in this area, at least in this too-general way.

GAY MARRIAGE

Ok, this one hasn't been talked about as much lately (at least among my social media contacts) as it was a few years ago, but overall it's the hot-button topic of our era. I reiterate that I am a faithful member of the LDS Church, and accept its law of chastity (including prohibitions against homosexual activity) as the word of God. But I don't expect people who do not share my beliefs to adhere to my standards.

Back in 2008, I was very glad that I didn't live in California. If I had been urged to donate time and resources and to vigorously participate in the Prop 8 campaign, I'm not sure what I would've done. Again, there's the apathy thing, but I was also surprised that the Church chose to be so publicly involved. There are two reasons for my surprise, and for my hesitancy to say "yes, I definitely would've gotten involved had I been there."

For starters, I didn't buy the "logical" arguments that were made by Church members and their allies. I'm not married, but I hope to be in the future. When that day comes, if my wife and I end up living in a state that allows gay marriage, I cannot conceive of a scenario where I would feel my marriage was cheapened just because my gay neighbors were also married. I have no fears about my future children learning about same sex couples in school, or being friends with the children of gay couples. I will do my best to instill values and morals in my children, including my religion's teachings about families but also its teachings about love and kindness.

The other thing that caused a disconnect for me was just considering the numbers. The magnitude of the Church's opposition to gay marriage seemed disproportionate to the number of people that would be impacted, especially in comparison to divorce, cohabitation, and other issues plaguing heterosexual couples. Yes, Church leaders often preach against these other dangers that threaten family stability and the welfare of children, but it stays at the pulpit and doesn't enter the political arena. To me, the sheer difference in quantity of straight couples and marriages makes that the category that the Church ought to focus on if it chooses to become involved in public policy or ballot initiatives.

Basically, in case I haven't made it clear, on all of these issues, I generally agree with the morals and ethics of the majority of my friends who have been posting about them on Facebook or elsewhere, but I disagree with the ways they propose to effect change. I am convinced that my religious beliefs are correct--sanctioned by God, even--but I do not believe others should be forced to adopt my views and practices by public shaming, social coercion, or government intervention.

Phew. This is one of my longest posts ever. If you made it all the way to the end...well done. If you'd like clarification on any of my opinions, please let me know. If you disagree, feel free to let me know why, though I'm likely familiar with your counter-arguments already. Or, if this blog goes "viral," you can write your own response post. I promise I won't be mad.

Spandex is a privilege

It's unlikely that anyone who reads my blog has not yet seen these pictures, but they deserve to be immortalized in this forum. I didn't think I would ever top my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume from 2010, but I think this Pillsbury Doughboy ensemble takes the cake. Or cookies. Or biscuits. When contemplating costume choices for Halloween, Doughboy has been a contender for the past several years, but I've always gone with an easier option. The costume turned out better than I ever hoped for. It's really the ideal choice for me--he's basically a roly-poly bundle of laughter and carbohydrates, and that suits me perfectly.

Speaking of suiting me perfectly...I just love that spandex bodysuit. Pretty much every costume shop, and many other retailers, sell some sort of full-body morph suit, but they're literally full-body---covering the head and everything. After much searching, I found an awesome Chinese company, Zentai-Zentai (proposed slogan: "because sometimes, one Zentai is not enough!) that sells custom suits. You can give them exact measurements of every part of your body, plus add a wide array of special options. I got one with a face aperture (the most important customization), detachable mittens, and a crotch zipper. And the price is quite reasonable, even with all the add-ons. I was a bit nervous that it wouldn't arrive in time, or that it would arrive and be not what I wanted (English is clearly not the primary language of the site operators), but everything worked out great.

It was a little tricky to get into--I thought I had torn it at one point--but once I got it over my shoulders, it was quite comfortable. And it was so freeing. I really enjoyed walking around in it, my big belly being an asset for once. I also loved not having pockets, which liberated me from having to worry about phone, wallet, or keys. I just had fun. Some friends and I made a brief cameo at the U of U Institute Dance to see costumes, have ours seen (I shamed another doughboy, who was basically just wearing a chef's hat and wrapped in a duvet), and check if people could resist poking my belly (many could not--after all, on Halloween one doesn't just dress as the Pillsbury Doughboy, they dress as Sexy Pillsbury Doughboy), then headed to Denny's, reviving one of my favorite Provo Halloween traditions. It was a great night.

The "Beware" on my friends' door (thanks for helping with my makeup, Jenny!) will make this last line a bit creepy, but...see you next Halloween!

Reborn at last

I started this blog a two and a half years ago, and haven't updated the design of it once in that time. As you can see, I did very little "designing" in the first place, either. One thing I did do was add a subtitle--"be reborn a poet!"--a line from the opera Tales of Hoffmann. Now, 30 months later, I'm finally posting some poetry.

I'm in a creative writing class this semester, and I've already posted one of the pieces I wrote for our fiction unit. Maybe I'll put more of them up eventually. Now we're on to poetry, and I've been very pleased with a couple of them, especially this first one. The assignment was to write a prayer, and to apply some kind of arbitrary rule to it--exactly five words in every line, no using the letter e, things like that. See if you can figure out my rule. The title is a clue, but it's still a little tricky. I'll reveal it at the bottom of the post. On a side note, this poem was "workshopped" in class, and literally none of my classmates had ever heard the expression "six of one, half a dozen of the other." My teacher and I were fairly stunned. How is that possible?

FOR CHRISTMAS, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME

Dear Santa, I can't sleep. The clock on my nightstand shows a pair of twelves.

It's Christmas Day. Noel. Even now you're speeding home to your wife and your elves,

But you see all, you know all, and I ask that you listen to my prayer.

You've been in every house tonight, but when I go downstairs I fear I'll find no presents there.

If that's the case, I beg you to change your course, make your sleigh turn around

And come back. Let Christmas Eve now get a redo, and with it a profound

Change in your philosophy. Let "naughty and nice" become six of one,

Half a dozen of the other. For if I've learned anything in my short span

On this earth, it's that mercy should be the hallmark of our species, not justice.

Win souls with reexamined doctrine--we ought to receive gifts at Christmas

Not by works, but by belief. Some say faith without works is dead, but don't listen

To that. I believe in you, Santa. So...can I get an iPhone? Amen.

I was hoping this next one would seem like a guy trying to get a girl to "go all the way" with him, only to find out at the end that he's actually talking about a much bigger commitment. It didn't fully work out how I wanted, but I still like it.

SEAL THE DEAL

It shouldn't be this big a deal,

Considering how long we've dated.

But she says "You know how I feel;

Putting labels on things is overrated."

We go out often, share our meals,

But our "coupling" is not yet consummated.

I make my eloquent appeals,

And yet she says "It's best we waited."

I cannot wait. Though I know that she'll

Be beyond annoyed, oh, she will hate it,

I have this impulse to reveal

Something; it won't subside, it must be sated.

If it's not on Facebook it's not real--

My relationship status? "It's complicated."

*In the first poem, each line counts down from "twelve" to "one" (like a child counting down to Christmas, or the 12 Days of Christmas), but in most lines the number is spread over two or even three words. Read it again, it's kinda cool.*

Hoffmann of the Month: November/December

I'm pretty late naming a "Hoffmann of the Month" (so named to allow any Hofman, Hofmann, Hoffman, or Hoffmann to be eligible) for November, so this month's honoree will reign not only through the rest of November, but for December as well. It's only fitting, because this may be my favorite one yet: Austria's representative in last week's Miss Universe pageant--and proof that you can't spell HOTM without "hot"--Doris Hofmann!

Although there's scant biographical data available on Miss Hofmann, you can trust that I've researched this month's winner more thoroughly than any previous winner. Her official Miss Universe bio includes an extensive photo gallery (though be advised she's bikini-clad in many of them), and also reveals that she loves wiener schnitzel and used to work on a BMW assembly line. She's also not particularly adept at keeping a balloon afloat with her breath.

A native of the Austrian town of Steyr (which I assume is fittingly pronounced "Stare," though I'm not going to look it up in case I'm wrong), Doris was Austria's first Miss Universe contestant since 2004. Sure, she didn't even place in the top 16, but who knows how long the drought would've continued if a Hofmann had never come along? Everyone likes to make jokes about how Miss Universe is, somehow, always an Earthling, but let's be honest--if any Martians or Rigelians or green Star Trek ladies had entered, Doris would've wiped the floor with them.

Interestingly, Hofmann wasn't even Miss Austria 2013, she was the runner-up. But there doesn't appear to be any scandal, it looks like the winner, Ena Kadic, had scheduling conflicts that prevented her from competing (if I'm correctly interpreting the Google translation of this page).

I'm glad there was finally a Hofmann-Trump connection, because my fantasies about meeting and wooing Ivanka will likely never come to pass. Congrats to Doris Hofmann--you may not be Miss Universe (or Miss Congeniality, or Miss Photogenic, or...), but you're my Miss November, and my Miss December. And I mean that in the classiest way possible.

Lest we forget--lest we forget

Today is the midway point between Veterans Day and the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address, and this week's Sunday School lesson is on putting on the armor of God...seems like a perfect time to revisit Great-Grandpa Hofmann's autobiography (with my commentary in italics), more specifically his military service. Lots of reasons to like this story, not the least of which being the reminder that opposing, "enemy" armies are largely made up of good people. Take it away, GGP!

August 1, 1914 Germany declared war on Russia...

August 7, 1914 I also had to go into the Kaiser's service in Hildesheim. The first day we received military uniforms and shoes and some training. The following day we finished our training and were ordered to the front...we were to support the invasion of Belgium. We wore new gray uniforms, unknown to the Belgians at that time, and they thought we were English and received us very kindly. Soon their attitude changed and we told them not to fight against the invading army, and that we were commanded not to do any harm to civilians, unless they attacked us first. Very soon I learned that war is hell. During my service as a German soldier in World War I, I was in Belgium, but I did not shoot a bullet out of my gun in the five weeks I was there. I was there to help the wounded soldiers, give them first aid and help the doctors, when there was no battle on. I did not wound or kill anyone. In the field hospital during the battle near Haecht, Belgium, September 12, 1914 [not finding much specific info by Googling, but this was possibly at the tail end of the Battle of the Frontiers], I was heavily wounded while I was helping a fellow soldier to save his life. I was taken, together with other wounded soldiers, to the St. Jean Hospital in Brussels...

The following day I found myself in a hospital bed and in the presence of doctors and nurses. The surgeon-in-chief, an English doctor, seemed to be interested in my case. He explained to me the condition in which I was in. I got the impression that he would do his best for me, therefore I consented to his proposition to amputate my right shank, a few inches below the knee. This was done immediately after I consented. In a dream I saw a man burying the shank in the garden of the hospital. [I know this must have been a terrible ordeal, but I laugh every time I read his leg referred to as a shank. Also, at the thought of a shoe tree growing from the shank planted in the garden.]

After the operation I awakened from a deep sleep, I tried to leave the bed to go to the lavatory, but I found out that I could not walk with one leg. As I, from the bed, looked out into the garden of the hospital I saw three trees full of ripe fruit. I asked the nurse if I could have a plateful of cooked pears. She smiled, as the doctor came in she asked him my question. He answered her, give him what he wants, after eleven or twelve tonight he asks no more. I was surprised to hear the doctor thought the end of my life would come. Nevertheless, I thought that he was mistaken. The next morning as the doctors and nurses visited at my bedside, the chief surgeon asked me in German, "How are you?" I told him that I felt better than I thought I would last evening...I told him that I would not die yet, but he answered that he had never before seen a man living with such high fever...on my birthday, November 19, I was carried from Brussels, Belgium to Hamburg, Germany...I was in great pain, day and night and could hardly sleep...the surgeon-in-chief there told me I had to undergo another operation because the English doctor had made a mistake which he must correct, but I replied that I do not believe that and...I did not consent to be re-operated upon. From that time on he neglected my wound and for two weeks it received no new dressing. However, I had enough knowledge to help myself and when the two weeks were over my wound was in excellent condition. With the help of the Lord he did not get power over me to reoperate.

In the hospital were about two thousand wounded soldiers. [Army of Helaman, much?] Being one of them I had excellent opportunity to explain the principles of the restored Gospel. The members of the Hamburg Branch of the Church visited me daily in groups of five, ten and sometimes fifty. At times there were more saints in the hospital than in the meetinghouse...

The chaplain in charge of religious instruction at the hospital, the doctors and nurses, even everybody in the 2,000 bed hospital heard some principles of the restored gospel explained and my testimony. Some days later I was officially forbidden to give tracts to anyone in the hospital and threatened with heavy punishment. This decree went out about 9:00 A.M. At that time I had about 600 tracts at my bedside, enough for about a month's distribution. [A month?! Feeling very ashamed about my missionary street-contacting success rate right now...] I did not give out one of them, but some soldiers came and took them from my storage place, sat down on the tables and read them. After they had read them they asked me why distribution of them should or could be forbidden. Many came and asked me religious or moral questions. After the evening meals until 9:00 P.M. the room was full with investigators. I answered their questions and explained correct principles to them.

The pastor, the surgeon, and others now felt outwitted, but had no lawful means to stop my activity. A mob was organized who should mishandle me while I was sleeping during the night, bind me and hit me until I was black and blue with blood. I did not know of their plan until the following morning when the leader of the mob came to me and asked me to forgive him, then I got an idea of the devilish plan. I realized that I was saved like father Abraham, as he had been taken by the idolatrous priests and bound to one of their altars to be offered as a sacrifice and was saved from such an ordeal. I answered the mob leader that I had never before in my life had a better sleep than last night. He answered, "I and those who were with me will not do any more against you no matter what you say or do."

He was transferred to another hospital two weeks later, and after four more weeks was discharged from the military. He was awarded both the Iron Cross and the Distinguished Service Cross.

How cool was that story? I made the stripling warrior connection and he compared himself to Abraham, but you can also draw parallels between GGP's story and those of Paul, Joseph Smith, Peter and Vincenzo di Francesca, at a minimum. This may be my final post drawn from my great-grandfather's diary, and if so it's a good way to go out. This is definitely my favorite section in it. If you ever see me laugh while singing "I hope they call me on a mission, when I have 'grown a foot' or two," you'll know that I'm thinking about GGP, his shank, and the great missionary he was. God bless the veterans from our country and others.

Semiannual Apostolic Power Rankings

A physical representation of apostolic "power." Check out those guns!

Just because nobody has specifically asked for it, doesn't mean you don't want it--so here it is! The updated, post-General Conference Apostolic Power Rankings!

As you may recall, back in June the LDS Church created official Facebook pages for all members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and in July I posted the first ever APR. That post included my projected order and my personal order, along with the actual results, so check it out. It's a fun read.

This time around, it's straight-up statistical analysis. (It will be all words, though; if anyone wants to take the time to create some charts and graphs for this or future APR posts, that would be awesome.) On the morning of the first day of General Conference (October 5), I recorded the current number of Likes each of the 15 pages had. This was exactly three months since the earlier post, and in that time Elder Holland's Like total had gone up 203%, the smallest proportional increase. All others ranged from 247-287% growth, led by President Packer.

Now, five weeks later, church members in even the most remote branches have had a chance to watch Conference. The full text and video of each talk has been available on LDS.org for weeks, and my Conference Ensign even arrived a few days ago, so I feel sufficient time has passed to include any Conference-related "Like spike" on the Facebook pages.

The current standings, in ascending order (numbers current as of approximately 2:30 PM MT, on November 8, 2013):

15. Robert D. Hales: 34,959 Likes, gain of 13.3% since October 5
Down one spot. Years of poor health and a good dose of meekness prevent Elder Hales from standing out much. I don't think he minds.
14. Quentin L. Cook: 36,223, 12.7%
Down one spot. He's the most tenured of the three newbies, so I'm a little surprised he places below them. But the numbers are incredibly close, and he could easily jump a few spots.
13. Neil L. Andersen: 36,352, 12.8%
Down two spots. Elder Andersen is the only one to drop at least one spot from July to October and from October to now.
12. D. Todd Christofferson: 36,488, 13.7%
Down four spots...but on the rise. He went from 8th in July, to 14th in October, and now up to 12th, by far the most variable ranking of any of the 15. Not sure what to attribute it to.
11. M. Russell Ballard: 36,679, 13.4%
Down one spot. Geez, everyone is dropping; I wonder why? Oh yeah, it's because of...
10. Boyd K. Packer: 38,481, 14.9%
Up five spots! It was surprising to see him in last place in July, but the market has corrected itself, it appears. President Packer's increase over the last five weeks isn't as impressive as his July-to-October bump, but it was still the 4th-highest percentage increase.
9. Russell M. Nelson: 38,664, 15.2%
No change, despite the third-best improvement rate (and despite the lack of a meme-able missionary catchphrase in his Conference talk).
8. L. Tom Perry: 38,741, 14.0%
Up two spots. He leapfrogged Elder Nelson (now that's some fun imagery) since July, but boy, is that margin narrow!
7. Richard G. Scott: 39,458, 14.6%
No change. Elder Scott makes an appearance in the great "How General Authorities Eat Their Reese's" video which, coincidentally, debuted on YouTube on the same day the first APR post went up. What a great day for borderline sacrilege! I wonder if we'll get another companion video today?
6. Dallin H. Oaks: 40,623, 14.2%
No change. At Conference, Elder Oaks gave the talk that people were most likely to take issue with (I do not take issue with it, for the record), but as I pointed out frequently in the last post, there's currently no "Dislike" option on Facebook, so his steadiness on the list isn't surprising.
5. David A. Bednar: 45,902, 13.8%
No change. Everyone still loves him.
4. Henry B. Eyring: 54,576, 11.6%
No change from July...but down one spot since October 5th. President Eyring had briefly passed Elder Holland, due to the latter's "small" 203% growth mentioned above.
3. Jeffrey R. Holland: 56,436, 16.8%
Down one spot since July, up one since October. Elder Holland had the second-best October-to-now improvement, and it's no surprise, since his frank discussion on mental illness got a lot of attention at Conference, second only to the talk from this next guy.
2. Dieter F. Uchtdorf: 69,155, 22.7%
Up one spot. These numbers are staggering but not surprising. His talk in the Saturday morning session of Conference was widely shared, even getting coverage in the New York Times. The 22.7% increase is phenomenal, but what stands out even more--in the last five weeks, President Uchtdorf has more total Likes than President Monson.
1. Thomas S. Monson: 138,529, 9.6%
No change. By far the smallest percentage increase, but still almost a full tithe's worth, and for all of President Uchtdorf's new "fans," President Monson still has twice as many Likes. Though I'm sure he's too kind to rub it in.

So there's the most up-to-date Apostolic Power Rankings. If you want to increase God's power in your own life, study their words. The links above are a great start, and over the next six months I encourage you to refer frequently to the talks these men gave at General Conference. This week's Sunday School lesson is on continuing revelation to latter-day prophets, so study that too. It's an even better way to show these prophets and apostles that you like them than clicking a button on Facebook.

Every Movember a Missionary

Over 50 years ago, former LDS President David O. McKay popularized the now-classic Mormon refrain, "every member a missionary." It's a great mindset for church members to adopt, and it's also the title of this week's Gospel Doctrine lesson. So study up.

Fortuitously, the calendar has also just turned to November, or as its become known to many the last few years, Movember--the month-long growing of mustaches designed to raise awareness of prostate cancer and other men's health issues. I don't always participate in Movember, but I love the concept--doing something by, well, doing nothing. Charity walk-a-thons could learn a thing or two from Movember.

So, Movember, "every member a missionary"...even if you didn't read the title of the post, you can probably see where this is going--it's mashup time! Mormon leaders, Mormon men in general, and especially young Mormon missionaries are known for their clean-cut appearance, but this was not always the case. For the first 100 years or so after the church's founding (mirroring prevalent trends in American society), facial hair was more common than not.

Below is my list of the top 10 mustaches of Mormon apostles, as depicted in the appendix of the CES manual Church History in the Fulness of Times (though the pictures below are not all from the manual). Apostles and missionaries are not completely analogous, but it's pretty close, and it's easier to find their pictures than random missionary photographs from the 1870s.

Before beginning the list, it's important to note that some men with great facial hair, like Brigham Young, Wilford Woodruff, and Charles C. Rich will not be included...

...because they have no mustaches! This is about Movember, not No-Shave-November, and especially not their less altruistic cousin, Noshember. On to the list!

Honorable Mention: Richard L. Evans (ordained an Apostle in 1953)

There are close to 20 better mustaches, but the long-time host of Music and the Spoken Word was the most recent apostle pictured with a 'stache in the manual, and I felt that needed to be recognized.

10. Lorenzo Snow (ordained in 1849, later became 5th President of the Church)

Don't get the wrong idea from what I said above about Brother Brigham and the rest--beards can be an excellent enhancement to a mustache, there just has to actually be a mustache for inclusion in these rankings.

9. Reed Smoot (ordained in 1900)

One of Utah's first senators (a position which led to his name being mentioned in Ferris Bueller!), in the CES manual his mustache isn't nearly as impressive, and he looks a bit like a European movie villain.

8. George Albert Smith (ordained in 1903, later became 8th President of the Church)

As President, he had a pretty sweet goatee, but I dig the mustache only look from his younger days even more.

7. Heber J. Grant (ordained in 1882, later became 7th President of the Church)

When President Grant became older and grayer, his beard gave him a very dignified look. It does here too, but the dark color gives off just a little bit of hobo, if you ask me.

6. George Teasdale (ordained in 1882)

Teasdale and Grant were ordained apostles on the same day. What a landmark moment for facial hair!

5. Albert Carrington (ordained in 1870)

I've been skimping on biographical data in the interest of keeping this post to a somewhat manageable level. All of these men are worth learning more about; Elder Carrington shows that some are more worth emulating than others.

4. Abraham H. Cannon (ordained in 1889)

Elder Cannon was only 37 when he died. He crammed a lot of marrying, publishing, church service, and mustache into a fairly short life.

3. Joseph F.  Smith (ordained in 1866, later became 6th President of the Church)

I love that he kept the long beard throughout his adult life (as far as I can tell from the pictures I've seen).

2. Orson Pratt (ordained in 1835)

When missionaries first get to Scotland, they climb Arthur's Seat, which Mormons call Pratt's Hill, because Orson Pratt once prayed there for 200 baptisms, which the Lord helped him to achieve. It was a fairly steep climb for me back in 1999; I can't imagine doing it with an extra 20 pounds of facial hair.

1. Moses Thatcher (ordained in 1879)

The pinnacle. Tom Selleck on steroids. What all Movember participants wish they could achieve. Until December 1st, let's all commit to spend the time we would've devoted to shaving to sharing the gospel with our neighbors. Every Movember a Missionary!