We Wish You A Goodly Christmas

This is short notice, but you still have some time left to read the assigned chapters for this weekend's Sunday School lesson! We're covering the beginning of 1 Nephi, which includes what has to be the most-read verse of scripture among Mormons, the "I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, yadda yadda yadda" one. (I think #2 is "Jesus wept.")

I also have goodly parents, and to prove it let me tell you what they gave me for Christmas. I'm sure you've all been dying to know. There were two main gifts, the first being the entire series of Pushing Daisies (two too-short seasons), probably the second best show of the 21st century (behind Parks and Recreation, of course, and just ahead of Extras, Lost, and Arrested Development). I've proved my devotion to PD before by comparing it to the best 2-season show of the '90s.

They also gave me a Scottish food-themed present, complete with a package of chocolate chip scone dough (which I will use later this month when I prepare a Burns Supper for my dinner group) and some Tunnocks wafers and tea cakes. They were some of my favorite treats on my mission, and I even got to visit the factory once. They were gone within a couple of days.

My sister Julie is also quite goodly (all my siblings are, but she's the one that drew my name this year for our gift exchange). My present from her was just one box...with many small, individually wrapped items inside! Opening presents is super fun, so I got really excited, and as I opened each small package I realized she had prepared an awesome New York City-themed gift. My present included a Colbert DVD, an Apollo Theater coaster, a stress wiener, and bonbons from Max Brenner (perhaps my favorite place to eat in New York). What an awesome present, I thought. But there was more!

Beneath all the cool trinkets were a pile of letters. Julie had gone poking around my old blog and Facebook photos and contacted a bunch of my friends from the days I lived in NYC, and had them write letters to me! Some of them even sent pictures! It was so great reading all the letters, and definitely one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received.

Aren't you jealous of how goodly and kind my family is? What's that, you say? When Nephi used the word goodly (or its reformed Egyptian equivalent), he probably meant that his family was wealthy, and that's why he was able to be educated after the learning of his father? Well, maybe you're right. But I didn't get a thesaurus for Christmas. Maybe next year. Because my family is pretty dang goodly.

Pursuit of the trivial

Today is National Trivia Day! Seems like a great time to point out that the annual Jeopardy! online test is just around the corner. It only takes 15 minutes, so go ahead, sign up and give it a try.

I've blogged about Jeopardy! more than once in past years to help get everyone excited for their chance to meet Alex Trebek. (Although there are multiple missing parentheses--and the term "most hardest"--in that first link, I am actually quite intelligent and am confident I would perform well if I ever made it on the show.)

I actually haven't watched full episodes of Jeopardy! much since I was in high school, but I see it all the time in other TV shows and movies. Here are some of the best ones, in ascending order of awesomeness.

9. Mama's Family



That's about as funny as that show ever got.


8. Golden Girls



Betty White is just unstoppable.


7. Cheers



Perhaps the most famous one, but not my favorite.

6. Seinfeld

There's an even better Jeopardy! moment when George, operating at full(er) mental capacity due to an unexpected period of celibacy, nails every answer while solving a Rubik's Cube, but I couldn't find the video.

5. Family Guy



There's also this clip, but the one above is funnier, plus it led to a fantastic "life imitating art" moment.

4. White Men Can't Jump



The first movie on the list. Here's a rundown of some things you've seen more than once if you've watched all of the above clips: 1) People cheating off their neighbor's screen in Final Jeopardy; 2) Woody Harrelson in the studio audience; 3) Mentions of Cary Grant.

3. Groundhog Day



Had I been in the same situation as Phil Connors, I would've probably  spent at least one day out of every 50 just messing with people like this.

2. The Simpsons

 I can never find the Simpsons clips I want online. In this Christmas episode, Marge goes on Jeopardy! to win money that the family owes the town. She ends up $5200 in the hole, which Trebek tries to collect from her as she leaves. "I asked if you understood the rules before the game and you said you did." So great.

1. Saturday Night Live

SNL Celebrity Jeopardy 4-15-00 - watch more funny videos

How could the top spot be anything but SNL's "Celebrity Jeopardy?" The video above is the best of the best (or at least the best one that doesn't feature Turd Ferguson). Lorne Michaels is a smart guy, but he hasn't handled his extensive video library very intelligently. There should have been a Celebrity Jeopardy DVD in stores years ago--there might even be enough for two volumes! Come on, Lorne.

If you choose to leave a comment, make sure it's trivial! And good luck on the test!

Hoffmann of the Month: January

German painter Heinrich Hofmann is the inaugural "Hoffmann of the Month" for 2012!

The main reason for this posthumous honor: I'll be mentioning the Book of Mormon frequently on the ol' blog this year, and a detail of Hofmann's Christ and the Rich Young Ruler is included in every copy of the Book of Mormon given away by LDS missionaries (or at least it used to be--haven't picked up a free copy in a while, but I don't think they've updated the pictures recently).

The original painting currently hangs in the Riverside Church, which I lived right next to the first time I went to New York. So that's also cool.

Aside from that, there's not much of interest in the brief details of Hofmann's life covered in a couple of online biographies I read. But he was certainly very talented, and deserving of this month's award. Congratulations, Heinrich!

Read the Book of Mormon

Starting this Sunday, Gospel Doctrine classes will be studying the Book of Mormon, and will do so throughout 2012. Exciting, isn't it? Most likely, you have not received a study guide yet, so you'll have to be proactive--here's the link to what will be covered in Sunday School on New Year's Day.

I don't have any jokes or weird tangents to go along with this lesson, but don't worry, I plan on sticking to my normal format going forward in my weekly Sunday School posts. I'm also working on a new serialized feature inspired by the Book of Mormon that I've been planning in my head for almost two years, that I hope to finally debut sometime in January.

But I'll take this chance to say that, no matter how lighthearted of an approach I may take on my blog, I sincerely believe in the scriptures and love to read them, especially the Book of Mormon. I agree with the testimony given by President Gordon B. Hinckley when, in August 2005, he challenged all members of the LDS Church to read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of that year:

Without reservation I promise you...regardless of how many times you may have previously read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God.

 At General Conference a few months later, Elder Henry B. Eyring gave some great counsel to those trying to complete the challenge that is very applicable to us as we begin studying the Book of Mormon again. After repeating the above quote from Pres. Hinckley, he said:

That is the very promise of increased faith we need to be spiritually prepared. But if we delayed the start of our obedience to that inspired invitation, the number of pages we had to read each day grew larger. If we then missed reading for even a few days, the chance of failure grew. That's why I chose to read ahead of my daily plan to be sure I will qualify for the promised blessings of the spirit of resolution and testimony of Jesus Christ. When December ends, I will have learned about starting at the moment a command from God comes and being steady in obedience.

More than that, as I read in the Book of Mormon, I will pray that the Holy Ghost will help me know what God would have me do. There is a promise of that plea being answered in the book itself: "Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.^"

I will act quickly on what the Holy Ghost tells me I should do as I read and ponder the Book of Mormon. When I complete the project in December, I will have had many experiences of stretching my faith to be obedient. And so my faith will be strengthened. And I will know from my own experience what comes from going to the scriptures early and consistently to know what God wants me to do and then doing it. If we do that, we will be better prepared for the greater storms when they come.

We will then have a choice of what to do after January 1. We can choose to sigh with relief and say to ourselves: "I have built a great reservoir of faith by starting early and being steady in obedience. I will store it away against the times when I will be tested in storms." There is a better way to prepare, because great faith has a short shelf life. We could decide to persist in studying the words of Christ in the scriptures and the teachings of living prophets. This is what I will do. I will go back to the Book of Mormon and drink deeply and often. And then I will be grateful for what the prophet's challenge and promise did to teach me how to gain greater faith and maintain it.

 If you've read the Book of Mormon before, I hope you will make it a point to read and study it again this year. If you've never read it, now is a great time to start. It's really easy to get a copy. If you have any questions, please ask.

Secret Admirer 2: Secret Santa

[To briefly recap, back in the fall of 2003 I started getting flirtatious emails from someone who identified herself as "Maybelline Buttacup," or May B. for short. When it became clear she wasn't going to reveal her true identity, I largely lost interest, but as Christmas approached I decided to take one last crack at figuring out who May really was (see my last post for more detailed background information).

On Christmas Eve, I emailed the following adaptation of Clement Moore's classic "A Visit From St. Nicholas." Enjoy!]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and here in Provo
There's a guy named Jeff Hofmann who wanted to know
The identity of his cyber friend May.
He hoped that she'd tell without any delay.
"I'm the lint in your belly button," she said,
And other strange things that just messed with his head.
May's gift for poetry made Jeff want to clap--
It's not surprising he fell into her trap.
He tried to get down to the heart of the matter
But she strung him along--nearly made his heart shatter.

Each day to his inbox he flew like a flash
But the emails and his curiosity clashed.
Though using a pseudonym is May's MO,
Just who is she really? Jeff just had to know.
His life would be filled with extra Christmas cheer
If she would just make her true identity clear.
Jeff thought of May constantly; it made his heart sick.
He had to, just had to, hook up with this chick.
He had to know more about her than her name.
Sure the emails were nice, but it's just not the same.

How he'd love to speak face to face with this vixen
Or to have their lips to each other affixin'.
He just wanted some contact whether big or small;
That's not really too much to ask, after all.

Is May being sincere, or is it all a lie?
Does she really have true feelings for this guy?
For deep down inside Jeff was certain she knew
It takes more than emails to successfully woo.
Jeff tried to find out who she was--like a sleuth--
But despite his best efforts May stayed aloof.
She'd drawn in his heart but for true love to be found
She'd have to stop teasing him, stop fooling around.

Into her messages much effort had been put
But without something more the whole point would be moot
Jeff got on his PC, and he tried to hack
But May's online alias was too hard to crack.
Her eyes--do they twinkle? Are her dimples merry?
Are her cheeks like roses, her nose like a cherry?
It made Jeff upset that he just didn't know.
It made him confused and made his frustration grow.

If things didn't change then his feelings he'd sheath
Like his junior high crush on actress Yasmine Bleeth.
"But if," Jeff thought, "if May decided to tell me
Or visit me how my legs would turn to jelly."
Jeff could put all the emails away on the shelf
If he could be with the writer--May B. herself!
All of the notes have been repeatedly read
And now Jeff just wants to be with May instead.

As I start this last stanza my face wears a smirk
'Cause I'm confident that this last poem will work.
I know you like me; in your emails it shows
But now I want more than poetry and prose.
I've told you my feelings; now I hope that this'll
Get you to stand with me 'neath toe made of mistle.*
Now it's up to you; make the next move and we might
Have a future that could be both merry and bright!

* I'm normally not one for hyperbole, but that's probably the greatest couplet in the history of poetry.

[A pretty clever ultimatum, eh? After the first four lines, all of the end rhymes match the original (well, there's two that are a little slanty) and I was able to use some of Mr. Moore's imagery and adhere very closely to his cadence. It's, in my opinion, one of the more impressive pieces I've ever written--which is saying something, because I think pretty much everything I write is great.

Apparently May didn't agree, though...I never heard from her again. As I said in my last post, I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but it won't bother me if she never comes clean.

Merry Christmas everyone!]

Secret Admirer

[My blog is quickly becoming an anthology for older stuff I wrote. But the alternative would be to actually have new experiences to write about, and it seems unlikely that I'll do enough of that to be able to post with any consistency. Plus, I always find some way to relate it to something current.

I once wrote an epic Christmas poem that I want the world to read (it might even be better than the magi rap I posted a few weeks ago), but first I need to give some background. At the beginning of my senior year of college, I received a mysterious email from someone named "Maybelline Buttacup." Below is the text of that email, received on September 2, 2003 (wow, I'm getting old); all spelling and punctuation from the original message.]

Subject line: Hey Jeff! How's the 1st day of school?

Dearest Jeffy,

How's it goin? Man, I'm so glad I've seen you around...that hairstyle looks awesome! On campus you are the one with the backpack, right? Juuuuuust kidding.
You are the lint in my belly button. You are always with me.
You are the nut in my honey nut breakfast cereal--better known as Cheerios for the name-brand type.
You are the odor in my deodorant. You're fresh baby. So fresh I'm going to raise my hand cause I'm sure--sure you're the one.
You are the double helix in my DNA.
You are the days in my week, actually, seven days without you makes one weak!
If I were mother nature then there would be only one season yearlong--I'd fall for you.
Fall semester has me busy falling for you.
If you owned an orchard, I'd love to be an apple on your tree cause then I could fall for you. Better yet, maybe I'd be the apple in your ever-so-sparkling eyes. Hmm...reminds me of sparkling apple cider, YUM!
Maybe we will reminisce over a glass someday.
Please let me know if you feel the same way dream lover, so I don't have to dream alone.

Fondest regards,

May B.

[Pretty weird and pretty corny and pretty flattering, all at the same time. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who would send me something like this, either seriously or as a prank. My best guess initially was my older sister Lori (mainly because she was the only one who called me Jeffy), and I wrote back the next day suggesting as much (I didn't save my replies). This was the email I got back on September 5.]

Subject line: Lord help the sister who comes between me and my mister

Dearest Jeffy,

Being accused of being your sister is like Marge being accused of being Homer's sister. Seriously, how could Bart be so handsome (as are you) if they were brother and sister? But aren't we all brothers and sisters? But have no fear, I'm not in Murray...anymore.
My heart skips a beat every time I sit here and think of you typing away that reply. It just can't be good for the ol' pace maker.
You wonder who I am:
I am the aloe on your third degree sunburn
I am the Matie in your marshmallow (I'd like to be your Matie.) And you are my Lucky Charm (on a less generic note).
I am the active ingredient in your dandruff shampoo. After some time with me you'll always end up feeling fresh and flake free.
If our love was like the internet, we wouldn't be dial up--we'd be a high speed connection!
You are the static guard on my pantyhose
The double stuff in my Oreo
You are the mysterious fishy odor in my tuna. Like tuna without that smell, life just wouldn't be the same without you.
I can't wait until you respond again. I feel like I am dumping my feelings like a laxative overdose and you're just sitting there with all your feelings waiting for a good drink of prune juice.

Butterfly kisses,

May B.

[That one got decidedly less romantic towards the end. These are the only two of Maybelline's emails I still have copies of, but we went back and forth a few more times--me trying to find out who the real author was, she playing coy and never revealing any truthful information--until I got a little tired of the game, and by the end of September I stopped writing back.

If memory serves me correctly (and it usually does), she wrote me once more in October or November wondering what had happened, and I wrote back saying I wasn't interested in corresponding with someone who wouldn't tell me who they really were. May never sent me another email.

Then, as Christmas approached, I decided to give her one last chance, and I crafted a masterpiece that I figured would impress her enough to get her to end the charade. But this is already long enough--I'll save my Christmas poem for my next post. Stay tuned!]

[P.S. By the end of 2003 I had a pretty good idea who was behind the emails, and at this point I'm about 97% sure that I know Ms. Buttacup's true identity. But I'll let her decide if she ever wants to fess up.]

We Three Kings

[As I mentioned last week, my ward has already completed the 2011 Sunday School curriculum. This Sunday, the last one before Christmas, we'll be having a lesson on--you guessed it--the nativity dating and relationships. (I'm no longer in a singles ward, but there's a separate Sunday School class for singles in my current ward.) There was a lesson on the first Christmas this year, but it was way back in January. Here's the email I sent to my YSA ward all those months ago to help them prepare.]

Last Sunday Bishop Burton said that Christmas should never end. Well, Sunday School is doing its part--the Gospel Doctrine lesson this week is on the birth of Christ!

Speaking of birthdays...last Saturday would've been Elvis Presley's 76th. If you were to use the king of rock and roll's song titles to tell the story of the birth of the King of Kings, it might go something like this:

When Mary and Joseph reached Bethlehem, it was "Heartbreak Hotel"--no room at the inn. Mary had to give birth "In the Ghetto," or its Judaen equivalent, a stable. Meanwhile, an angel gave the good news to some
shepherds, which left them "All Shook Up," since they were used to "A Little Less Conversation" from the heavens. They came to worship the newborn babe, and Mary kept all these things "Always On (Her)
Mind" (see Luke 2:19). Wise men came from afar as well, and after seeing the Lord were told in a dream not to "Return to Sender"--Herod the king. He and others had "Suspicious Minds" and wished to kill Jesus. The wise men "Follow(ed) That Dream," and Herod was prevented from turning this joyous occasion into a "Blue Christmas." Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, others who waited for Christ's birth were also in danger, and were saved by that "One Night" that stayed light even after the sun went down. When that happened, people all over the Americas were compelled to say "I Just Can't Help Believing." Jesus had come, and his "Burning Love" would save us all and make the spiritual "Jailhouse Rock."

Saturday was also the birthday of another king: David Bowie, the Goblin King from Labyrinth. He sings my all-time favorite Christmas pop song.
 
Such synergy!

If you want to read a more accurate and important account of the birth of the Lord, please use these chapters and discussion points as your guide.

Merry Christmas everyone! See you Sunday.