This week's Sunday School reading includes one of my favorite funny verses, Rev. 3:16: "So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth."
To me, this proves that the word "spue" (or spew) is never not funny, regardless of context. I'm guessing this feeling is universal, though there's a slight chance I'm just immature.
There's a guy on my team at work whose last name is "Barfuss," so he's heard hundreds of vomit euphemisms over the course of his life. From time to time our team will share our favorites as we collaborate on projects on Google Wave (which, sadly, is going away early next year--I blame the 99.9999% of you Gmail account holders who never used Wave), including earlier this week, when some all-time greats like "technicolor yawn" and "liquid laughter" came up (so to speak) in the conversation.
While puke jokes are almost universally funny, there's one vomit-related phrase I really don't like. Here's an excerpt from a blog post I wrote three years ago this month:
...the purpose of this post is to express my displeasure with the oft-used phrase (and its variants) "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."
Apparently it's been annoying people for quite some time. But these people seem to despise the pretentiousness of the saying. It bothers me for a different reason: why say it that way, when that is the only place you can throw up? Yes, sometimes the throw up escapes the mouth and sometimes it doesn't (is there a magma/lava equivalent for puke, or is it always the same?), but the mouth is always involved. If someone ever vomits out of, say, their armpit, then I want the description to include the body part. Otherwise, it's not necessary.
One of the comments on that post included what is probably my favorite barf replacement term: "mouth squirts." Admit it, you just laughed a little in your mouth.
Anyone else have a euphemism to add to the list? Just spew it out.
[It's the most wonderful time of the year...the time when people argue about whether it's ok to be playing Christmas music yet.
Some think that Thanksgiving gets overshadowed when we start in too early with the Christmas tunes. To them I say: come up with some good Thanksgiving songs and we'll play them too. There are actually a number of good ones already out there that just haven't been coopted by the Turkey Day supporters yet. Get on it!
As a potential compromise, I'll help everyone avoid the stale Bing Crosby and Mariah Carey numbers by presenting my brand new, soon-to-be-classic Christmas song. Last year my friends Sara and Andrew bought a "personalized song parody" from me at a service auction. Sara deferred to Andrew for the details, and he told me he wanted a Christmas parody of 50 Cent's "In Da Club." I started on it, but set it aside once Christmas passed, then finally got back to work on it in late September so it could be finished for Andrew's birthday.
And now I'm sharing it with the world! It's a little tricky in parts, but here's the original if you want to try singing along. It's the story of the Nativity, told from the perspective of the wise men (with a few annotations). Without further ado, the lyrics to the new favorite carol of Thanksgiving and Christmas lovers alike...]
Go, go go, go, go, go, go Savior
It's your birthday
We're gonna party like
It's your birthday
Gonna see some smarties night of your birthday*
And you know we brought lots of gifts
'Cause it's your birthday
Chorus:
You can find him in the crib
Swaddled next to his
Mama, I get on my knees
You need to show him love
Give myrrh and frankincense to the baby that we love**
He's come from up above
He'll save each one of us
[Repeat chorus]
Camels pull up out front, see the star up above
You'd think the king of kings would get a little more pub
There ain't a lot of people that came to show him love
Just us magi and some shepherds, but I guess that's enough
The baby there in the manger
No crown, Jesus is just layin' there but there's a king here in this hut
Now Joseph and Mary had to make the journey to Bethlehem
But when they got there all they heard was there's no room at the inn
If he could, innkeeper would give them a cot
But a stable out in back, well that's the best that he's got
Then holla, an angel declares good news at the sheepfold
The shepherds hustled off to see what they had been told
Meanwhile us wise men weren't trailing far behind
We were following the star but not sure what we'd find
We went to see Herod 'cause we needed to know
The right town in the region where we needed to go
[Repeat chorus twice]
"Follow that glow to Mary and Joe
Then come back," said Herod the king
"That kid, this star, your jewels, just who'll
He be when he grows up? This sure is strange"
He's full of it, but finally we made it
Here's the lad, his goodness just can't be overstated*
Someday Matthew and Mark will chronicle his life
(That book is good, it helps you stay on the track, right)
In our dreams we was told Herod doin' you wrong
He's tellin' lies, playin' tricks
Wants this child to be gone
He's a ruthless liar, man, don't you return
Leave now and get a head start before Herod has learned
That you've betrayed him 'cause he gets violent when he's riled up
Better get the child to Egypt, it's safer by the Nile, but
Yeah we'll always remember when he was swaddled with love
C'mon, we know who he be
[Repeat chorus twice]
*I know the wise men didn't come the night Jesus was born. It's also highly unlikely that he was born on December 25. Let's not get too technical here.
**Replacing "having sex" with "frankincense" is the line I'm most proud of.
***Yeah, yeah, I know. At the beginning of the song the wise men showed up at the manger, and now they're visiting the "lad." Again, let's not overanalyze.
[Thursday is "National Unfriend Day," a movement spearheaded by Jimmy Kimmel encouraging people to pare down their list of Facebook friends.
But it's not an original idea, as evidenced by this (rather humorous) post that I'm recycling, which was originally published on my old blog on January 14, 2009. Since Jimmy's quest isn't new, I don't have to come up with anything new to say about it, right?
As I post this, I have exactly 750 Facebook friends, a nice round number. I've never unfriended anyone, mainly because, as I describe below, I'm too lazy. As a result, there's at least one deceased person on my friends list. Oh well.
Oh, and this week's Sunday School lesson is all about love, but can easily be adapted to apply to this situation--as in, "we [friended] him, because he first [friended] us" (1 Jn. 4:19). If you want to take a more sophisticated approach to the curriculum, this will help you study.
Anyway, here's that old post, exactly as it appeared almost three years ago, except with some updated links.]
I went home for Christmas and had a great time with my family. Two solid weeks of food, folks and fun (the first of many fast food slogan references in this post). Only one downside: my parents still use dial-up. Seriously. I had built up some good blogging momentum in December, but that was all lost in the series of tubes I had to go through to reach the Interwebs while in Utah.
But I saw something today that I knew I wanted to write about. Isn't that a phenomenal idea? For hours, I debated internally what was more important to me: friends or burgers. Ultimately, I decided I could spare ten of my 488 sanctioned-by-Facebook friendships. Alas, I waited too long. For some reason, the 'book put the kibosh on the entire operation.
I'm disappointed. I had envisioned an entire series of posts on this, a friendship tournament to determine which of my pals brings more to the table than a sandwich with flame-broiled beef, pepper jack cheese, and "angry onions." Or maybe I would've gone for 48 free whoppers and only kept the most elite of my amigos.
Even though it's now strictly a theoretical exercise, I still wonder what approach I would've/should've taken in deciding which friends get the axe. Should I get rid of the ones I know least well, the ones that are more "friends of friends" than actual friends? Should I eliminate ten of the many who I added as friends but have had no contact with since? Or should I go with an opposite mindset, and figure out who my very best friends are, figure out who would sacrifice their spot on my list so that I can enjoy a free burger? What do y'all think?
(In all honesty, I'm glad I didn't have to choose which friends to dump. I know people who have pruned their Facebook friend tree, and that whole process just reeks of effort. It's not for me.)
However, I'm hoping Facebook can still help me get free meat. Here are some other potential promotions I've come up with:
"If It Doesn't Get All Over the Place, It Doesn't Belong In Your Facebook"--free Carl's Jr. Six-Dollar Burgers to anyone who has a messy face in their profile picture
free Big Macs for life to the guy who has the most female friends (get it?)
"I'm Lovin' It"--a free sandwich for anyone who updates their status to say they are "in a relationship" with a McRib
a free Wendy's Frosty for anyone who gets rid of all their friends
an unlimited Sonic gift card for guys named Jeff (I love that place. And their commercials. But they need to bring back the pancake on a stick)
If you think of any more, leave them in the comments. I'm glad we're still friends.
The Oscars have been in the news a lot this week. Producer Brett Ratner quit, and soon after Eddie Murphy dropped out as host. A few days later it was announced that Billy Crystal would host next year's ceremony.
This series of events disappointed me for a number of reasons. For starters, once the spot became open I made it known on Facebook that I was available and willing to host, and I didn't even get a call.
Second, Billy Crystal--seriously? He used to be funny, and he's been an entertaining Oscar host in the past, but he's reached the point where he's too old and not so funny, but he doesn't realize it because people humor him and laugh politely at his jokes because he's so old and nice (this also happens a lot at LDS General Conference).
Finally, I really wanted to see Eddie host. He's been somewhat of a recluse the last 20 years, so it's hard to know if he'd be good or not, but in his prime he was a much better comedian than Chris Rock--and I LOVED Rock's stint hosting the Oscars back in 2005.
In Rock's opening monologue, he made a number of jokes at the expense of Jude Law, prompting a response about two hours later in the broadcast by Sean Penn when Penn came out to present an award. (I actually like Jude Law; he's a typically charming Brit, and I thought he was good in Sherlock Holmes and The Holiday. But the jokes were still very funny.) Penn was utterly humorless, which made his speech completely hilarious. I would gladly link to or embed the video in this post, but I can't find it! The best moment in the 80+ years of the Oscars, and it's nowhere to be found on the Internet! At least by me.
But it's got to be out there somewhere...I'm convinced that everything has been uploaded to the Internet by this point. If anyone can find these clips, and get me the links, I'll love you forever.
The exchange between Rock and Penn also led to perhaps the most passive-aggressive move in world history. The following week, SNL did a "Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast" sketch playing off of Mr. Penn's lack of a funny bone. It was great. So great, that I invited some friends over specifically to watch that sketch off of my VHS tape.
There was a joke made during the sketch that I freely admit was inappropriate. At that exact moment, my roommate walked into the apartment. He paused for a few seconds, heard another off-color joke, then walked back to our bedroom without saying anything. On his way to the back, he picked up a picture of Jesus that stood on the top of our entertainment center and laid it face-down. It was amazing.
Anyway, I can't find that sketch anywhere online either, except on Hulu Plus. I'm hoping someone, anyone, can help me find these videos, so I can share them with others. Your other assignment: read up about a different Jude to get ready for tomorrow's Sunday School class. I'm sure the content of the lesson will allow any pictures of Christ to stay upright.
[I'm not a very political person. When I think about that stuff, I'm fairly moderate, maybe a little more liberal in my views on economic policy and a little more conservative on "social" issues, but mostly I'm just apathetic. This post is not intended as a statement in favor of or opposition to the President. It is intended to be entertaining; hopefully it doesn't fail completely in that regard.
This also seems like a good time to mention (they like us to do this on a regular basis) that while I work for JetBlue Airways, and even Tweet for them on their official account, my blog is my blog and does not represent the views of my employer.]
Can you believe it? One year from today is the next presidential election! It seems like the inauguration was only yesterday. Probably because the 2012 campaign has been going pretty much since the day after the inauguration. Also, because I think of the phrase "when yellow will be mellow" anytime I need a good giggle.
As a Mormon, it might seem logical that I would be a supporter of Mitt Romney or Jon Huntsman. But I actually have a lot more in common with President Obama. I may not have the same track record of killing off terrorist masterminds, but other than that, we're basically two peas in a pod. Don't believe me? Check this out:
TOP 10 THINGS I HAVE IN COMMON WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA
10. We both work from home most of the time. 9. Both of us get to fly for free.
8. Each of us feel that, most of the time, Fox News is pretty ridiculous.
7. The President and I each have one parent that was not born in the United States.
6. When President Bush left office, both of us were dealing with some serious employment and economic problems.
5. We both think Michelle Obama is hot.
4. We're both terrific dancers.
3. Both of us wanted to be architects (wait, that's something the Prez has in common with George Costanza).
3. As a Mormon, if someone ever asks me about it, I too am ready to answer "Yes, we can."
2. I'm always encouraging people to watch NBC's show about a close-knit college study group. That's right, just like Barack, I am also a Community organizer.
1. No matter what other important things may be going on, President Obama and I will both drop everything we're doing to fill out a March Madness bracket.
The Hoffmann of the Month for November is the one and only Dustin Hoffman! He's probably the most famous "Hoffmann" there is--so why choose him now, you might ask? A couple of reasons:
--We're already five days into the month, and I don't want to delay any longer while I try to scrounge up an obscure honoree.
--Halloween was technically last month, but it's still fresh in the brain as we begin November. One of Hoffman's most iconic roles is Tootsie, and what could be more Halloween-y than a movie about cross-dressing that's named after a chewy chocolate candy?
--I'm writing this on Guy Fawkes Day, which of course commemorates among other things a famous stake-burning--but not THE most famous stake-burning. That would probably be Joan of Arc, and Dustin was once in a movie about that. Plus Hoffman's look in Hook seems like it was based on the Guy Fawkes mask.
--It's the eve of the New York City Marathon, and Hoffman starred in Marathon Man.
--He's talented, sure, but he's basically an eccentric weirdo, as evidenced by the video above--an accurate parody of his weird performance at the 2003 Grammy Awards. (I can't find the real video anywhere, which is a good sign of just how ridiculous it was.)
So all things considered, Dustin Hoffman was clearly the right choice to be the Hoffmann of the Month for November. Definitely, definitely the right choice.
This week's Sunday School lesson covers the Epistle of James. That book contains perhaps my favorite phrase in all of scripture: "superfluity of naughtiness" (James 1:21). I congratulate the translator who came up with that one.
When I think of the name James, with no last name, my mind often goes back to when I lived in the dorms during my freshman year at BYU. My next-door neighbor Jary would crank up this song on a pretty regular basis, often coming into my room and singing along, loudly. It was kind of endearing, at least compared to a guy who lived a few doors down and would blast this song at full volume, often four or five times in a row. (Jary played his song almost every day for a while, but only once a day.)
With dorm life and superfluous naughtiness now on the brain, it's natural that I'd remember some freshman pranks. We had our share of minor pranks like jamming pennies in the doorjamb and hiding in the little crawl space between the pull-out beds and the wall, but luckily we didn't have to deal with any extremepranksters.
The most fun and elaborate prank we ever pulled off was at the expense of Jary's roommate Josh. Josh was an affable but spacey guy, and a very sound sleeper. One night he fell asleep early, like 8:30-ish. He was ripe for the pranking. We got everyone who was around on the floor to play along to make Josh think it was the following morning. We all changed our clocks to the time Josh's alarm was set for.
Josh's alarm went off, and he groggily emerged into the hallway, where he saw guys in robes and pajamas. He made his way to the communal bathroom, where other guys were shaving or brushing their teeth and some were coming out of the shower. Josh got himself ready, grabbed his backpack and his bike and headed out for his 8AM class--at about 10PM. I'm not sure how far he got before he figured out what time it really was, but he came back and congratulated us on an awesome prank. (Told you he was affable.)
Sometimes I wonder how we survived without cell phones. But other times I wish they weren't so ubiquitous, because they would make this prank impossible to pull off today. What's the most superfluously naughty prank you've ever been a part of?
Here it is, my 2011 Halloween costume. Not everyone can tell right away who I'm dressed as, but if you think about it for a minute you should be able to figure it out.
That's right, I'm Magnum P.I. after a nervous breakdown and a prolonged stretch of unemployment.
Ok, that's not true. I'm rabble-rouser documentarian Michael Moore, a costume equally scary to adults where I live as witches and werewolves are to kids. Some thoughts on this year's creation:
--I have no strong opinion on Michael Moore. I've never seen any of his movies. This was not a political costume, it was an easy costume. It basically involved me dressing like a slob and relaxing my standards of grooming and hygiene for a few weeks. My hair is actually longer now than it ever has been, and it's really annoying. I don't know how people handle long hair.
--It's actually kind of embarrassing that the costume was easy...all of those junky clothes are mine, and all are part of the regular rotation (except the hat; it's pretty gross and was retired about two years ago). I did enhance my stomach area, but sadly the pillow I used is actually pretty small.
--I had a good time shouting Halloween-themed leftist slogans through the megaphone. Stuff like, "Do you think it's fair that 1% of the trick-or-treaters get 75% of the candy?" (don't fact check, please) and "Occupy the fun size Snickers!"
--For someone who likes to hit up church dances on Halloween, this was probably a poor costume choice. I wouldn't be Michael Moore if I took the coat off, plus I had to hang on to the megaphone. It's not really heavy, but it's got some heft to it and I'm weak. I got tired out after just a few songs. I don't know how a scrawny guy like Jimmy Hart could handle holding the megaphone up nonstop.
--Several people at the dance guessed that I was Peter Jackson (I should've tried to add some white to my facial hair). Those wrong guessers would invariably go to Steven Spielberg next. I'd have to say, "You're on the right track, but think of someone more annoying." And then they'd get it.
--They weren't the only ones to misinterpret someone's costume though...walking through the hallway of the U of U Institute, I saw a girl dressed as Sarah Palin and started shouting "Boo!" into the megaphone. After I said it four or five times and saw how confused and borderline tearful she was, I said, "You're Sarah Palin, right?"
"No, I'm a secretary."
I apologized, but she should apologize for picking such a boring (and misleading!) costume.
And now the preparation begins for Halloween Costume 2012. I've got less than a year to get ready!
