Three-zer

I totally know how Dan Brown feels now. I've cracked the code of one of the biggest mysteries in all of scripture (well, part of it anyway): I know who the Three Nephites are! And the answers were found in, of all places, a classic Weezer song!

But let me back up for a minute. For the uninitiated, the Three Nephites are some of the most prominent figures in Mormon folklore. Some brief background: after his resurrection, Jesus Christ appeared to the people in the Americas and called twelve disciples to lead His church there, just as He had done in Jerusalem (see 3 Ne. 11:18-22; 12:1). Later on, he asked these twelve men what their greatest desire was. Nine said they wanted to die and go to heaven once they reached a certain age; the other three wished to remain on the earth until the Second Coming, working all the while to bring as many souls as possible to Christ (see 3 Ne. 28:1-8). (If you're just interested in the doctrinal basis of the Three Nephites story and not the sensationalistic aspects, make sure to check out the scripture block and study guide material for this week's Sunday School lesson.)

The wishes were granted, and now these Three Nephites roam the earth, performing good deeds and then vanishing into thin air (at least according to the numerous legends that have been told and retold for over 100 years). The most common tall tales involve a mysterious hitchhiker issuing warnings about the importance of food storage, or sister missionaries being protected from serial killers (interestingly, one of the few common story types that has all three wanderers appearing together).

The identity of these three selfless servants was not revealed in the scriptures (see 3 Ne. 28:25), but as I mentioned above, I figured out who they are--and I owe it all to alt rock legends Weezer. It turns out that their song "My Name Is Jonas" (the first track from their first album) has all the clues needed to figure out the names of those who wished to stay behind.



The first one is easy. The names of the twelve are given in 3 Nephi 19:4, and one of them was--you guessed it--Jonas. Lest you think it's just a coincidence, listen closely to the lyrics in the first verse. "Thanks for all you've shown us/This is how we feel" is clearly Jonas and Co. making their request to live on Earth until the world ends. And "We've all left the den/Let me tell you 'bout it" is undoubtedly Jonas describing the persecutions he and his brethren endured, including being cast into dens of wild beasts (see 3 Ne. 28:22; 4 Ne. 1:33).

The other two are a little trickier, but if you dissect the second verse you can figure it out. The speaker says his name is Wepeel, and he refers to his brother. There were several sets of brothers among the twelve. Nephi and Timothy (Jonas was the son of one of them, though the sentence structure of 3 Ne. 19:4 makes it difficult to figure out which is his daddy), along with Mathoni and Mathonihah, are explicitly identified as brothers. I think it's safe to infer that Kumen and Kumenonhi were brothers, based on their similar names, and the fact that church leadership has been quite nepotistic from the beginning.

So which brother pair is it? None of them are named Wepeel. Well, what's something that "we peel?" Onions! There are are a couple of guys whose name sounds like onion, but not Nephi and Timothy--they're out of the running. To narrow it down further--Wepeel is actually Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. There's only one set of brothers whose names look like variants of Cuomo, and that's Kumen and Kumenonhi. But what about the line that mentions Math--isn't that a point in favor of Mathoni? Well, that same line mentions swearing, something that these super-righteous men would have nothing to do with. To further solidify my argument--that last link indicates that Wepeel was also the name of Cuomo's childhood sled, a Rosebud for a new generation. Well check out this picture--yes, that's a sled being pulled by dogs in the Kumen region of Slovenia. Case closed.

So there you have it. Jonas, Kumen and Kumenonhi are the Three Nephites. "But hold the phone," says the one person who is actually fact-checking this investigation. "There are two men named Jonas among the twelve chosen by Jesus. How do you know you have the right one?" Back to the first verse we go! "Just like Grandma made?" Who's going to be referring to their grandma, some Jonas that we know nothing about, or the Jonas whose grandma was the wife of the great prophet Nephi (the father of Timothy and the other Nephi)? That's what I thought. The song ends with Jonas and the two K brothers singing "The workers are going home," as by this point they must clearly be looking forward to the Second Coming and their inevitable "twinkling" (see 3 Ne. 28:8).

So there you have it. We now know who the Three Nephites are. Well, not really. We only know their names, and they probably go by different monikers now. And we have no idea what they look like, or where they are. But I have faith that they're out there, somewhere, helping people. They're definitely "still makin' noise, makin' noise!"