A disarming performance

So, the Primary (Mormon organization for children) in my ward has built a time machine. It's basically some big pieces of cardboard, painted black with glittery swirls, and a door cut out of it. But still--a time machine! And once a month they have someone emerge from the time machine, pretending to be an ancient prophet, and give a memorable presentation to the kids.

Last Sunday, it was my turn, and I got a good one: Ammon! I wore my kilt and a He-Man chest t-shirt. I'm too fat for both items, so after my performance I changed out of my costume right away, and didn't get any pictures of my prophetic mantle. But just imagine me in my kilt:

 

With a shirt like this (only if two or three guys that size were trying to fit into the same shirt).

 

I told the kids about my mission to the Lamanites, and I think they were impressed, but they really "began to be astonished" when I pulled these babies out of my sack.

I know, I know, the Lamanites had dark skin...but having arms at all was pretty impressive, I think. (The arms belong to my friend Julia, who got them as a white elephant gift last Christmas and thankfully kept them.) I had my glasses off (sure, Ammon somehow has a time machine, but that doesn't mean he has other post-75 BC technology), so I couldn't see all the kids' faces clearly, but the many "ewwww"s I heard let me know I had done a great job.

It felt good to perform again, even just in a capacity like this, and who knows--maybe it will lead to a similar career to the only person I saw portray Ammon as a child?

I think it's pretty cool that the Primary leaders built a time machine, but it's even cooler that we don't need a time machine to hear a prophet speak in person. This weekend is General Conference, which means there's no Sunday School class, which means there's no Sunday School reading assignment. Instead I recommend this short article to help you prepare for Conference.

I especially like President Uchtdorf's second point: don't discount a message merely because it sounds familiar. I think a lot of people expect huge announcements and proclamations to be made every six months, forgetting that General Conference talks are sermons, not press conferences. Also, I think a lot of people get a little myopic when it comes to the topics of those sermons. You may feel that a certain principle is being overemphasized, but chances are, you haven't mastered it as well as you think you have, and even if you have...there are likely thousands (if not millions) of other listeners that need help in that area.

Enjoy General Conference, and I'll be back next week with another Sunday School preview. If you have your own time machine, and you've already visited next week, try to act surprised when the new post goes up.

Filtered memories

In my last post I mentioned seeing the band Filter embarrass themselves in a Glasgow kilt shop over a decade ago. The time has now come to share that story with the world.

Actually, there's something that has to be done before the time can come...you need to read this post from my old blog to get some background on my missionary companion at that time, Elder McInelly (plus it's a really funny post). Go ahead, I'll wait.

Finished? Great. Ok, here's the story: McInelly and I headed into Glasgow so he could shop for a kilt, because his parents wanted him to get one. He never would've made that decision on his own. Since they weren't there with us to help him choose, he struggled mightily while we were in the store. McInelly was SOOOOOO indecisive. We were there for over two hours (seriously), and he didn't even buy a kilt! He ended up purchasing two semi-expensive blankets, I think mainly because he would've felt guilty being in the store that long without buying anything.

I was bored after about 15 minutes, but luckily at about the 90 minute mark I finally got some entertainment. A group of four Americans, two men and two women, entered the store. (I could tell they were Americans because they spoke very loudly, which allowed me to hear their accents, plus that's what Americans do.) They were in the shop for about 20 minutes, and spent most of that time looking at tacky souvenir items.

The entertainment came when one of the women started looking at kilt belts, and called out to one of the men, "this would look great with your pants." She said it loudly, several times. When Brits say "pants," they are, of course, referring to underwear. The woman should've said "trousers" (actually, I shouldn't assume--maybe the guy likes to accessorize his undies).

I even saw a couple of the store clerks trying to stifle chuckles while this was going on, but they managed to keep a straight face while ringing up their purchases (yes, they completed their shopping before McInelly, even though he had a head start of more than an hour). Probably wise not to insult someone who's about to give you several hundred pounds.

"So are you folks here on vacation?" one of them asked.

"No, we're in a band. Have you ever heard of Filter? We're playing down the street tonight at The Garage."

And that was it. They left the store, and mercifully, we did too a few minutes later. It turns out that story is much more enjoyable to tell (and probably to hear) if I don't give away the ending before I even start. Oh well.

Hey, did you know Filter still tours and stuff? I love the pretentiousness of this description of their most recent album. That's from their official website.

One more thing...I chose to write about this now, because I figured I could relate Filter's song "You Are Gods" to the passages from this week's Sunday School reading on man's status in comparison to God and angels (Hebrews 1-2)...except it seems that song may not exist!

Can anyone help me here? I could have sworn that Filter has a song where the chorus goes "Because you are gods, and I am yours" or something like that. I can't find any evidence of a song with lyrics like this, by Filter or otherwise. The song that I'm thinking of isn't one that I like, but I want to know that I'm not crazy. If you have any idea of what song I'm thinking of, please don't keep me waiting as long as McInelly did.

Rise and shout in pain

Four days later, the drubbing BYU received in the "Holy War" still stings. It was awful. It seemed like the Cougars had never even practiced together before, and by the end of the game seemed to have given up completely. I'd go as far as to say I've never felt as bad at the end of a football game than I did on Saturday.

(This may not hold up; instant reaction, hyperbole, and revisionist history are big parts of being a sports fan. In a few years we'll have to see if this loss stings as much as the two 34-31 games and the ensuing ad campaigns.)

Just as disheartening...I'm worried that I may already be out of good Ross Apo puns. Among those I've already used?

--"That match-up was like comparing Apos to burnt oranges" (after his touchdown catch against Texas)

--"How do you like them Apos?"

--"Need a touchdown? There's an Apo for that."

I'm hoping Josh Quezada returns to his endzone-finding form of 2010 so I can create and sell some bootleg "Apo Juice" merchandise.

Since this year's game is my current worst football memory, I'm going to cheer myself up (and hopefully some of you too) by linking to my favorite football moments that I experienced through a variety of media:

Best Moment I Saw In Person: Big plays by Brandon Doman and Luke Staley resulting in a comeback victory against Utah in 2001. This was especially huge because BYU was still undefeated at that point, though they got drilled in their last two games of the season.

Best Moment I Heard on the Radio: In 2009, I was living with my parents, who are philosophically opposed to paying for TV, so I experienced Andrew George's game-winning TD in overtime only aurally. Still awesome though. Runner-up radio moment: BYU knocking off Miami back in the Ty Detmer days.

Best Moment I Read About in the Newspaper: Back when I served my mission in Scotland, there used to be a free newspaper available on city buses. I think it was called the Metro. (Some quick Googling confirms my memory.) One preparation day, my companion and I rode into Glasgow so he could shop for a kilt. While at the kilt shop, we observed the mediocre rock band Filter inadvertently embarrass themselves (I don't think I've ever blogged that story, but I definitely should).

On the way home, I was looking through the Metro, and on the second-to-last page there was a very short article about Super Bowl XXXIV, which was won in dramatic fashion by St. Louis over Tennessee. After recovering from the shock of how little attention was being given to the biggest American sporting event of the year, and the even bigger shock of the Rams and Titans reaching the Super Bowl, I realized it was former Ute Kevin Dyson who had been tackled just short of the goal line. And it made me happy.

Best Moment I Watched Online: When I moved to New York in 2007, I didn't have TV, but I found a site (which has since been shut down by the Department of Justice) streaming the BYU-Utah game. Watching Austin Collie make magic happen on a small laptop screen is still pretty outstanding.

Best Moment I Watched on Television (and likely my favorite football moment of all time): Harline is STILL open!

I'm happy to report that BYU did not fumble even once while I was writing this post. Things are looking up!

Two can play this game (aka "This two-ply can game")

There's an epically passive-aggressive game of chicken going on in my apartment right now.

I share a bathroom with my roommate Ryan. In the 18 months since I moved in, he he has purchased a package of toilet paper and left it in the bathroom for us to share exactly one time (and it was only four rolls). Sometimes, when we run out, a single (often partial) roll will appear; whether he has swiped it from our other roomies or keeps a personal stash somewhere, I don't know.

Normally, things like this don't bother me. Taking an extra turn or two (or 20) on communal purchases is not that big of a deal, especially compared to the awkwardness of asking an adult to please buy some toilet paper. But last week, when the last package I bought ran out, I decided not to replace it, hoping Ryan would step up. So far, nothing. I took a roll from our roommates' bathroom (sorry Petey--I'll replace it) and hid it in my bedroom, toting it back and forth to the loo when needed. I have no idea how Ryan's been getting by.

(Ryan is not on Facebook, or Twitter, or Gmail chat, so he won't know that I'm writing about him unless one of YOU tells him. So if you see Ryan, please keep the TP stuff on the DL--I want this stalemate to continue organically.)

The weird thing is, he's a good roommate in pretty much every other way. He's friendly, responsible, he makes the long walk everyday to check the mail...he's a nice, "Charmin" guy (couldn't resist). But I'm not giving in this time, at least not yet. If Ryan wants to continue this test of wills, I'll wipe the floor with him (please don't poo poo all of my bathroom puns--they're so much fun).

I'll keep you all updated as the situation progresses. I realize that my behavior is somewhat petty, but I feel justified. In an amazing coincidence, a big chunk of this week's Sunday School reading deals with justification. It's not great bathroom reading material, but you should still check it out.

Bienvenido a mi Emmy picks

I'm a TV addict, and as such I've been planning for a while to post some Emmy predictions here sometime in the week before the awards ceremony (it's this Sunday). As usual, the "Creative Arts Emmys" were handed out at an untelevised gala the weekend before, but surprisingly, mixed in with all the boring awards for costumes and editing and makeup and sound mixing were a few of the categories I was most interested in.

Futurama beat out The Simpsons, among others, but I'm ok with that because my all-time favorite show has won ten times in the past and is well past its prime. The one that got me was Jeff Probst winning the Emmy for best reality show host. I'm a Survivor fan and will be watching when the new season starts this Wednesday, but how could the voters pick anyone other than Cat Deeley? She's the best in the biz, the anti-Ryan Seacrest. At least now I guess I have another year to meet her and become her date for the 2012 Emmys, when I'm sure this snub will be rectified.

On to my picks!

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: I don't really watch dramas now that LOST and 24 are done, so let's say, I don't know, one of the Gossip Girls. The blond one.
Should Win: Kelly Macdonald, because her character is apparently named Margaret Schroeder, and I know someone with that exact name, so this could potentially lead to a real-life "Max Power" scenario.
Will Win: Christina Hendricks, because the Emmy producers want to keep guys like me from changing the channel.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: Brent Sexton. The Killing was the only TV drama I watched consistently this year, and while the show was mediocre at best, I thought this guy did a good job.
Should Win: Peter Dinklage. That name is awesome.
Will Win: John Slattery. Because he'll probably be seated near Ms. Hendricks.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Allison Brie (for her work on Community, not Mad Men)
Should Win: Kristen Wiig
Will Win: Betty White, because she's obviously some sort of unstoppable cyborg.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Nick Offerman and Rob Lowe from Parks and Recreation. Modern Family is a fantastic show, but they have four freakin' nominees in this category, while P and R gets shut out? Unfair.
Should Win: Offerman. What's more deserving of a gold statue than performances like this?
Will Win: Chris Colfer. The four MF guys will split the vote.

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: Emily Deschanel, as a reward for convincing her sister Zooey to join the FOX family this fall.
Should Win: Mireille Enos went to BYU and is married to Cameron Frye, but again, The Killing wasn't great. Connie Britton should win.
Will Win: Connie Britton will win, but only because Friday Night Lights is finished.

LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Should Have Been Nominated: Denis Leary, mainly because he was so good in The Sandlot. (Have I made it clear enough yet that I'm not an expert on this year's Dramas?)
Should Win: Kyle Chandler
Will Win: Jon Hamm (since Dr. Tim Watley is ineligible this year)

LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Sofia Vergara (move her up from the "Supporting" category)
Should Win: Amy Poehler
Will Win: Laura Linney (the voters like giving as many awards to the cable shows as they can)

LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Should Have Been Nominated: Joel McHale
Should Win: Louis C.K.
Will Win: Jim Parsons

REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM

Should Have Been Nominated: Celebrity Apprentice. Kidding! Though I wouldn't mind seeing Ivanka Trump on the show this Sunday. Wipeout should have been shown some love.
Should Win: So You Think You Can Dance
Will Win: The Amazing Race

VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SERIES

Should Have Been Nominated: The Soup
Should Win: The Daily Show
Will Win: The Daily Show. I like Stephen Colbert much more than Jon Stewart, and for years I thought Colbert's show was better too, but for the last season (or two) The Daily Show has been more clever and funny than the Colbert Report. But they're both awesome.

DRAMA SERIES

Should Have Been Nominated: Burn Notice (if only so we can get an answer to this question)
Should Win: Mad Men
Will Win: Mad Men

COMEDY SERIES

Should Have Been Nominated: Community
Should Win: Parks and Recreation (it's the best show on TV right now--if you've never watched it, or gave up after the abbreviated first season, you're really missing out)
Will Win: Modern Family

There you have it. I didn't predict the miniseries categories because I just don't care. Now that you already know what will happen, try to act surprised when they announce the winners this Sunday. Enjoy the show!

The Dork Knight

The only time I've taught Sunday School since being released as Sunday School president was a few months ago, when I subbed for the regular teacher and gave a lesson on Christ's atonement.

I started the lesson by using the ending of The Dark Knight as a metaphor for the sacrifice of Jesus. It was admittedly not a perfect metaphor, but it wasn't terrible. If I was teaching this Sunday, I might be tempted to do it again, since Two-Face himself, Aaron Eckhart, once appeared in a video based on the concept of "godly sorrow" featured in this week's reading (2 Cor. 7:9-10):



My favorite line from the video is the girl saying "But I'm not with that guy anymore!" (not featured in the above excerpt), but Eckhart's "What about the pain?" is not bad.

I also like that the very next verse after the godly sorrow passage says "what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge!" Pretty Harvey Dent-ian, wouldn't you say? You're welcome, this week's teachers.

On a related note, can I say how much I love the Internet? I found the above video in seconds. I linked to Johnny Lingo in my last post. YouTube also has the "prime the pump" video, "spiritual crocodiles," "I'll Build You a Rainbow" and many others that remind me of my childhood and adolescence.

Most importantly, The Phone Call can be watched in its entirety online! Oh, and if it wasn't for the Internet, I probably wouldn't be aware of these clips:





Usually, when I end a post by asking a question, it's a cheap ploy to get comments, but this time I really want to know: who's your favorite Mormon celebrity, either real (like Eckhart or Rick Schroeder) or imagined (Steve Martin, Snoop Dogg)? And which seminary-ish Mormon short film is your all-time favorite?

(My apologies to the one or two non-Mormons who follow my blog...hope you didn't feel too excluded here.)

Labor of love

Not only is today Labor Day, it's also the birthdays of two of my neighbors: Lychelle "Jamma" Whiteley (above left) and Christine "Spice" Weiss (right). Their other roommates also have nicknames, and although my roomies and I do not share the same affinity for pseudonyms, our two apartments have become good friends.

My roommate Petey had pondered producing an Old Spice parody video for Christine, and that morphed into me coming up with the following parody medley for the two birthday girls. Petey provided brainstorming/consulting assistance and, most importantly, joined me in performing the finished song.

(I recognize that many of my readers don't know Jamma or Spice, but as I've stated before, my blog will be the home of basically anything I write. I've added a couple of footnotes to clarify potentially confusing lines.)

Here's the finished product, with lyrics parodied from this song, this song and this one (the portions used are from the beginning of each song, in case you want to compare how closely I stuck to the original rhymes, which is important to me in my parodies):

Everybody get up, it's time to slam now
We got a real jam goin' down
Welcome to the Spice Jam
It's your chance, do your dance at the Spice Jam, alright



All right
Hey Jamma
We wanna party with you
We're jammin', with Jamma
And we know you like Jamma too

She's so cool, I mean wow, if you're rating girls with cows
Lychelle would be worth 22*
Shares her birthday with Christine Weiss and they both are super nice
Jammin' here with Jamma's crew

It's Jamma
When you're with Jamma every day is a blast
It's Jamma
And now 23 is in her past

You're one year older now, but I think you will allow
That you're still not very old
Three cheers for Lychelle Whiteley, Yah it's the special night
For a shepherd of this sheepfold

We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin')
In the Winder YSA 2nd Ward
With Jamma (Jamma, Jamma, Jamma)
Secretary of Omega**



Yo EQP***, let's kick it!

Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby
All right stop--collaborate and listen
It's Spice's birthday and we're on a mission
To help her celebrate rightly
She shares a birthday with Lychelle Whiteley
What'll she wish for? Yo, I don't know
Bring out the cake, and she'll blow
Good work Christine****, you snuffed the lights on those candles
Just like the flames, this party's too hot to handle
Glance--at everyone in this room
We've come to the time where we sing a birthday tune
Ready? You should all know the melody
Anyone don't know the words, that's a felony
You had a birthday--shout hooray
And we want to sing to you today*****
If it's someone's birthday, yo I'll call it:
Sing 'em a song, don't just Facebook wall it

Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby
Spice spice baby

Happy birthday Lychelle and Christine!

*--The concept of stating a woman's worth in cows is taken from the Mormon cult classic Johnny Lingo.
**--The Winder Young Single Adult 2nd Ward is the Mormon congregation attended by Petey and Lychelle (and formerly by Christine and me, until we got too old). The ward's Relief Society (organization for women) was recently split into two, called Alpha and Omega, and Lychelle was called to be the secretary of Omega.
***--Petey is the Elders Quorum President (basically the second ranking officer) in the aforementioned YSA Ward.
****--Replacing "extreme" (from the original) with "Christine" is probably my favorite part of the whole song.
*****--This is a reference to a birthday song sung by Mormon children.

Asterisk the Gall

Three years ago today I had emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder. My doctor would later tell me that it was "gangrenous" at the time of its removal. Nasty.

My post detailing the experience on my old blog includes one of my better jokes of all time: "I have staples in my stomach and am not wearing underwear, but for the last few weeks I haven't looked or felt much like a centerfold."

I'm sorry, but that's a really fantastic joke. Right? Right.

The timing of this dubious anniversary is ironic (by which I mean, coincidental) considering the scripture block for this week's Sunday School lesson. Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 12 that the members of the church are like parts of the body: all play different roles, and some are more prominent than others, but all are important.

So now I don't know what to think...my gall bladder (especially in its gangrenous state) would certainly qualify as a "feeble" (v. 22) and "uncomely" (v. 23) part of my body. Was Paul wrong? Am I the exception that proves the rule? Or is it just impossible for any metaphor to be interpreted 100% literally in all cases? I'll have to digest this all a little more, I guess. Which won't be easy. Because, you know, I have no gall bladder.

Hoffmann of the Month: September

The Hoffmann of the Month for September is prolific British young adult novelist Mary Hoffman! Here's why Mary was chosen:

--Up to this point, all "HotM"s had been dudes.

--Ms. Hoffman advises aspiring fantasy writers to "on no account ever let a plot hinge on a birthmark." Considering her first book, White Magic, was published way back in 1975, I think she might be a wee bit jealous of J.K. Rowling's success. (Yes, I know Harry Potter's lightning bolt is a scar and not a birthmark. I stand by my assumption.)

--Mary's list of top 10 "favourite" foods leads me to believe she's only ever tried 10 foods.

--Most of all, though, I chose Mary Hoffman because she's the author of Earth, Fire, Water, Air, which makes me think of Earth, Wind & Fire, which makes me think of one of the catchiest songs of all time, which makes me think of September!



Congratulations Mary!