Of course not! This week's Sunday School lesson is all about miracles. To celebrate, here are the top 12 miracle-related music, video, or music video clips I could think of.
12. We'll get the PG-13ish one out of the way first. At least it's not the Full Monty clip.
11. For those times when you're under attack from flying pineapples.
10. Not his best song, but the video is like a modern-day Three Amigos, with JBJ as El Guapo. He certainly has a plethora of chest hair.
9. An '80s classic.
8. Girl, you look miraculous in those jeans.
7. I was living in Manhattan when this happened, and it was pretty remarkable.
6. I first saw this movie on my mission, where it was rated PG for "mild biblical horror." Best. Description. Ever.
5. The '90s remake was decent, but the new ending they gave it was not nearly as good as this.
4. It's Devo-riffic.
3. I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!
2. USA! USA! USA!
1. Some might think placing that last clip at #2 instead of at #1 is heresy, but it's hard to top this one.
YouTube is pretty much the greatest miracle of the last 15 years--even bigger than the Disneyland FASTPASS or the $2-$4-$6-$8 menu at Denny's. If you can think of a miracle clip that I overlooked, I'd love it if you gave the link in the comments. In the meantime, study up on a more meaningful discussion of miracles in preparation for class.
[This post is a slightly tweaked version of an email I sent to my ward on February 10, 2011, while I was serving as the Sunday School president. That week, the upcoming lesson covered some of the notable miracles from the Savior's mortal ministry. The emails I sent each week back then eventually morphed into these weekly BASOTRUSSL posts.]
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Two bits on a shave and a haircut
I'm currently clean shaven. Well, clean-ish. I don't have any deliberate facial hair, just some scruff from three days of being too lazy to shave. But at this time last month, I had the craziest beard I've ever had. Check it out.
And in profile...
I've only grown out my beard for longer than 10 days or so a handful of times in my life, and each of those times I kept the sides trimmed and rocked a goatee. I hate shaving, but don't usually wear a beard because it feels gross, it's hot, and in the past it often grew in patchy. This time it was much thicker and fuller and better overall than any previous beard, but I can be honest--it looks kind of gross. These pictures were taken the day before I shaved, just over 100 days' growth. I'm pretty sure this is also the longest my head hair had ever been.
The reason for this hirsuteness: Halloween, of course! Here's me posing with my roommates, looking more like Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller than I had hoped.
In this picture, though, with the arms folded, high hair more visible, and prominent wristwatch, it's a little more obvious that I'm dressed as the immortal Ron Swanson.
The week of Halloween, I went to two dances and to work in this get-up, and exactly one person (other than those I'd already told who I was dressing as) correctly identified my costume. This is a travesty that needs to be rectified. Everyone needs to know who Ron Swanson is. Start off by watching this clip compilation, then watch Parks and Recreation every Thursday. And then bring me all the bacon and eggs you have.
And in profile...
I've only grown out my beard for longer than 10 days or so a handful of times in my life, and each of those times I kept the sides trimmed and rocked a goatee. I hate shaving, but don't usually wear a beard because it feels gross, it's hot, and in the past it often grew in patchy. This time it was much thicker and fuller and better overall than any previous beard, but I can be honest--it looks kind of gross. These pictures were taken the day before I shaved, just over 100 days' growth. I'm pretty sure this is also the longest my head hair had ever been.
The reason for this hirsuteness: Halloween, of course! Here's me posing with my roommates, looking more like Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller than I had hoped.
In this picture, though, with the arms folded, high hair more visible, and prominent wristwatch, it's a little more obvious that I'm dressed as the immortal Ron Swanson.
The week of Halloween, I went to two dances and to work in this get-up, and exactly one person (other than those I'd already told who I was dressing as) correctly identified my costume. This is a travesty that needs to be rectified. Everyone needs to know who Ron Swanson is. Start off by watching this clip compilation, then watch Parks and Recreation every Thursday. And then bring me all the bacon and eggs you have.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
The words of moron
There's a phrase from this week's Sunday School reading that makes me giggle every time I read it. If you're even half as immature as me, you'll probably laugh too. It's from Moroni 9:7--"According to the knowledge which I have received from Amoron..."
Pretty funny, huh? What could be less valuable than knowledge received from a moron? Except, the more I think about it, that's basically what many of my weekly Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson (or BASOTRUSSL) posts are.
The BASOTRUSSLs basically fall into one of three categories. Two of the three involve me writing about something I experience or observe, and somehow connecting it to the lesson material. The first category are posts that actually make sense, and offer some type of insight into my life or the scripture block, or both. Here's a good example. And here's another and another and another. The second are the posts where the connection is extremely tenuous, the ones I wrote mainly because I'm committed to doing this every week. Check out my "share' em/Sherem" post to see what I mean.
Then there's the third category: the posts where I interpret the scriptures in a strange way, mainly for comic effect. This practice started years ago, long before I was a blogger, when I discovered humorous ways to misinterpret a few Book of Mormon passages. I wrote about these verses here and here.
I've reached new levels of borderline blasphemy in 2012. The new interpretations for scripture blocks I've conjured up this year include:
--Ancient prophets claiming the University of Utah and Ute fans are evil.
--The Hunger Games movie is based on the story of Enos.
--Parallels abound between the people of Zeniff and last spring's Jazz-Spurs playoff series (including a great zinger about Tony Parker's philandering ways).
--Christ's visit to the Americas was laced with Halloween imagery.
--Isaiah foresaw the modern day rise of eReaders and the scourge of Nicholas Sparks.
--A portion of Nephi's narrative mirrors a typical YSA ward experience--but only if you read it backward.
--Just last week, I showed how a Weezer song reveals the identity of the Three Nephites.
--Most surprising of all, Alma's discourse to the poor Zoramites is actually pro-Obama, socialist propaganda.
I am aware that men should not propagate their own private interpretations of the scriptures (see 2 Pet. 1:19-21). I cannot stress this enough--when you read my blog, all the "knowledge" you receive comes from a moron! I'm merely a jester, writing these posts for entertainment. I don't believe these interpretations, and neither should you. I will continue posting BASOTRUSSLs, but you shouldn't take much if anything of what you read here seriously.
Are we clear on this? Good. But if not, two of the next three lessons after this mention a man named Nimrod...
Pretty funny, huh? What could be less valuable than knowledge received from a moron? Except, the more I think about it, that's basically what many of my weekly Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson (or BASOTRUSSL) posts are.
The BASOTRUSSLs basically fall into one of three categories. Two of the three involve me writing about something I experience or observe, and somehow connecting it to the lesson material. The first category are posts that actually make sense, and offer some type of insight into my life or the scripture block, or both. Here's a good example. And here's another and another and another. The second are the posts where the connection is extremely tenuous, the ones I wrote mainly because I'm committed to doing this every week. Check out my "share' em/Sherem" post to see what I mean.
Then there's the third category: the posts where I interpret the scriptures in a strange way, mainly for comic effect. This practice started years ago, long before I was a blogger, when I discovered humorous ways to misinterpret a few Book of Mormon passages. I wrote about these verses here and here.
I've reached new levels of borderline blasphemy in 2012. The new interpretations for scripture blocks I've conjured up this year include:
--Ancient prophets claiming the University of Utah and Ute fans are evil.
--The Hunger Games movie is based on the story of Enos.
--Parallels abound between the people of Zeniff and last spring's Jazz-Spurs playoff series (including a great zinger about Tony Parker's philandering ways).
--Christ's visit to the Americas was laced with Halloween imagery.
--Isaiah foresaw the modern day rise of eReaders and the scourge of Nicholas Sparks.
--A portion of Nephi's narrative mirrors a typical YSA ward experience--but only if you read it backward.
--Just last week, I showed how a Weezer song reveals the identity of the Three Nephites.
--Most surprising of all, Alma's discourse to the poor Zoramites is actually pro-Obama, socialist propaganda.
I am aware that men should not propagate their own private interpretations of the scriptures (see 2 Pet. 1:19-21). I cannot stress this enough--when you read my blog, all the "knowledge" you receive comes from a moron! I'm merely a jester, writing these posts for entertainment. I don't believe these interpretations, and neither should you. I will continue posting BASOTRUSSLs, but you shouldn't take much if anything of what you read here seriously.
Are we clear on this? Good. But if not, two of the next three lessons after this mention a man named Nimrod...
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Three-zer
I totally know how Dan Brown feels now. I've cracked the code of one of the biggest mysteries in all of scripture (well, part of it anyway): I know who the Three Nephites are! And the answers were found in, of all places, a classic Weezer song!
But let me back up for a minute. For the uninitiated, the Three Nephites are some of the most prominent figures in Mormon folklore. Some brief background: after his resurrection, Jesus Christ appeared to the people in the Americas and called twelve disciples to lead His church there, just as He had done in Jerusalem (see 3 Ne. 11:18-22; 12:1). Later on, he asked these twelve men what their greatest desire was. Nine said they wanted to die and go to heaven once they reached a certain age; the other three wished to remain on the earth until the Second Coming, working all the while to bring as many souls as possible to Christ (see 3 Ne. 28:1-8). (If you're just interested in the doctrinal basis of the Three Nephites story and not the sensationalistic aspects, make sure to check out the scripture block and study guide material for this week's Sunday School lesson.)
The wishes were granted, and now these Three Nephites roam the earth, performing good deeds and then vanishing into thin air (at least according to the numerous legends that have been told and retold for over 100 years). The most common tall tales involve a mysterious hitchhiker issuing warnings about the importance of food storage, or sister missionaries being protected from serial killers (interestingly, one of the few common story types that has all three wanderers appearing together).
The identity of these three selfless servants was not revealed in the scriptures (see 3 Ne. 28:25), but as I mentioned above, I figured out who they are--and I owe it all to alt rock legends Weezer. It turns out that their song "My Name Is Jonas" (the first track from their first album) has all the clues needed to figure out the names of those who wished to stay behind.
The first one is easy. The names of the twelve are given in 3 Nephi 19:4, and one of them was--you guessed it--Jonas. Lest you think it's just a coincidence, listen closely to the lyrics in the first verse. "Thanks for all you've shown us/This is how we feel" is clearly Jonas and Co. making their request to live on Earth until the world ends. And "We've all left the den/Let me tell you 'bout it" is undoubtedly Jonas describing the persecutions he and his brethren endured, including being cast into dens of wild beasts (see 3 Ne. 28:22; 4 Ne. 1:33).
The other two are a little trickier, but if you dissect the second verse you can figure it out. The speaker says his name is Wepeel, and he refers to his brother. There were several sets of brothers among the twelve. Nephi and Timothy (Jonas was the son of one of them, though the sentence structure of 3 Ne. 19:4 makes it difficult to figure out which is his daddy), along with Mathoni and Mathonihah, are explicitly identified as brothers. I think it's safe to infer that Kumen and Kumenonhi were brothers, based on their similar names, and the fact that church leadership has been quite nepotistic from the beginning.
So which brother pair is it? None of them are named Wepeel. Well, what's something that "we peel?" Onions! There are are a couple of guys whose name sounds like onion, but not Nephi and Timothy--they're out of the running. To narrow it down further--Wepeel is actually Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. There's only one set of brothers whose names look like variants of Cuomo, and that's Kumen and Kumenonhi. But what about the line that mentions Math--isn't that a point in favor of Mathoni? Well, that same line mentions swearing, something that these super-righteous men would have nothing to do with. To further solidify my argument--that last link indicates that Wepeel was also the name of Cuomo's childhood sled, a Rosebud for a new generation. Well check out this picture--yes, that's a sled being pulled by dogs in the Kumen region of Slovenia. Case closed.
So there you have it. Jonas, Kumen and Kumenonhi are the Three Nephites. "But hold the phone," says the one person who is actually fact-checking this investigation. "There are two men named Jonas among the twelve chosen by Jesus. How do you know you have the right one?" Back to the first verse we go! "Just like Grandma made?" Who's going to be referring to their grandma, some Jonas that we know nothing about, or the Jonas whose grandma was the wife of the great prophet Nephi (the father of Timothy and the other Nephi)? That's what I thought. The song ends with Jonas and the two K brothers singing "The workers are going home," as by this point they must clearly be looking forward to the Second Coming and their inevitable "twinkling" (see 3 Ne. 28:8).
So there you have it. We now know who the Three Nephites are. Well, not really. We only know their names, and they probably go by different monikers now. And we have no idea what they look like, or where they are. But I have faith that they're out there, somewhere, helping people. They're definitely "still makin' noise, makin' noise!"
But let me back up for a minute. For the uninitiated, the Three Nephites are some of the most prominent figures in Mormon folklore. Some brief background: after his resurrection, Jesus Christ appeared to the people in the Americas and called twelve disciples to lead His church there, just as He had done in Jerusalem (see 3 Ne. 11:18-22; 12:1). Later on, he asked these twelve men what their greatest desire was. Nine said they wanted to die and go to heaven once they reached a certain age; the other three wished to remain on the earth until the Second Coming, working all the while to bring as many souls as possible to Christ (see 3 Ne. 28:1-8). (If you're just interested in the doctrinal basis of the Three Nephites story and not the sensationalistic aspects, make sure to check out the scripture block and study guide material for this week's Sunday School lesson.)
The wishes were granted, and now these Three Nephites roam the earth, performing good deeds and then vanishing into thin air (at least according to the numerous legends that have been told and retold for over 100 years). The most common tall tales involve a mysterious hitchhiker issuing warnings about the importance of food storage, or sister missionaries being protected from serial killers (interestingly, one of the few common story types that has all three wanderers appearing together).
The identity of these three selfless servants was not revealed in the scriptures (see 3 Ne. 28:25), but as I mentioned above, I figured out who they are--and I owe it all to alt rock legends Weezer. It turns out that their song "My Name Is Jonas" (the first track from their first album) has all the clues needed to figure out the names of those who wished to stay behind.
The first one is easy. The names of the twelve are given in 3 Nephi 19:4, and one of them was--you guessed it--Jonas. Lest you think it's just a coincidence, listen closely to the lyrics in the first verse. "Thanks for all you've shown us/This is how we feel" is clearly Jonas and Co. making their request to live on Earth until the world ends. And "We've all left the den/Let me tell you 'bout it" is undoubtedly Jonas describing the persecutions he and his brethren endured, including being cast into dens of wild beasts (see 3 Ne. 28:22; 4 Ne. 1:33).
The other two are a little trickier, but if you dissect the second verse you can figure it out. The speaker says his name is Wepeel, and he refers to his brother. There were several sets of brothers among the twelve. Nephi and Timothy (Jonas was the son of one of them, though the sentence structure of 3 Ne. 19:4 makes it difficult to figure out which is his daddy), along with Mathoni and Mathonihah, are explicitly identified as brothers. I think it's safe to infer that Kumen and Kumenonhi were brothers, based on their similar names, and the fact that church leadership has been quite nepotistic from the beginning.
So which brother pair is it? None of them are named Wepeel. Well, what's something that "we peel?" Onions! There are are a couple of guys whose name sounds like onion, but not Nephi and Timothy--they're out of the running. To narrow it down further--Wepeel is actually Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. There's only one set of brothers whose names look like variants of Cuomo, and that's Kumen and Kumenonhi. But what about the line that mentions Math--isn't that a point in favor of Mathoni? Well, that same line mentions swearing, something that these super-righteous men would have nothing to do with. To further solidify my argument--that last link indicates that Wepeel was also the name of Cuomo's childhood sled, a Rosebud for a new generation. Well check out this picture--yes, that's a sled being pulled by dogs in the Kumen region of Slovenia. Case closed.
So there you have it. Jonas, Kumen and Kumenonhi are the Three Nephites. "But hold the phone," says the one person who is actually fact-checking this investigation. "There are two men named Jonas among the twelve chosen by Jesus. How do you know you have the right one?" Back to the first verse we go! "Just like Grandma made?" Who's going to be referring to their grandma, some Jonas that we know nothing about, or the Jonas whose grandma was the wife of the great prophet Nephi (the father of Timothy and the other Nephi)? That's what I thought. The song ends with Jonas and the two K brothers singing "The workers are going home," as by this point they must clearly be looking forward to the Second Coming and their inevitable "twinkling" (see 3 Ne. 28:8).
So there you have it. We now know who the Three Nephites are. Well, not really. We only know their names, and they probably go by different monikers now. And we have no idea what they look like, or where they are. But I have faith that they're out there, somewhere, helping people. They're definitely "still makin' noise, makin' noise!"
Thursday, November 8, 2012
I was gonna write, but...
One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for not blogging. Lines like "sorry I haven't been good at blogging lately" or "I've been too busy to blog for a while" at the beginning of a post annoy me. Everyone's busy; like everything else you just have to make time for blogging if you want to do it. Just blog or don't blog, it's not that big of a deal. None of the blogs I frequent charge a monthly subscription fee or anything, so it's not like you owe me anything.
Of course, this means I also hold a certain amount of self-loathing, because I've done the same thing on more than one occasion on my old blog. But I've been trying to quit, and haven't really had this issue since starting this blog last year. I have been guilty of a similar offense, though--promising a blog post (either here, or on my Facebook fan page, or just promising myself) on a certain topic or by a certain time, and then not delivering. And guess what? I'm doing that again today.
I had plans for a more meaningful post this week, but I procrastinated, and now I'm going out of town this weekend, so this is all you get. I'm not going to apologize, though, because if you read this post at all it shouldn't take you more than two minutes. Plus, I'm in good company--even the prophet Nephi once admitted to not getting around to "blogging" something he should have (see 3 Nephi 23:7-12). (Aside: if we visited the olden days when giving feedback involved engraving on metal blog plates, I bet we wouldn't complain so much about blogs that make you type a CAPTCHA before leaving a comment.)
To learn more about Nephi's embarrassment and other, more important things, check out the study guide for this week's Sunday School lesson. And I'll be back with a more engrossing post next week. Or not. It is just a blog, after all.
Of course, this means I also hold a certain amount of self-loathing, because I've done the same thing on more than one occasion on my old blog. But I've been trying to quit, and haven't really had this issue since starting this blog last year. I have been guilty of a similar offense, though--promising a blog post (either here, or on my Facebook fan page, or just promising myself) on a certain topic or by a certain time, and then not delivering. And guess what? I'm doing that again today.
I had plans for a more meaningful post this week, but I procrastinated, and now I'm going out of town this weekend, so this is all you get. I'm not going to apologize, though, because if you read this post at all it shouldn't take you more than two minutes. Plus, I'm in good company--even the prophet Nephi once admitted to not getting around to "blogging" something he should have (see 3 Nephi 23:7-12). (Aside: if we visited the olden days when giving feedback involved engraving on metal blog plates, I bet we wouldn't complain so much about blogs that make you type a CAPTCHA before leaving a comment.)
To learn more about Nephi's embarrassment and other, more important things, check out the study guide for this week's Sunday School lesson. And I'll be back with a more engrossing post next week. Or not. It is just a blog, after all.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Casting bread upon the storm waters
I had a semi-ambitious idea for this week's Sunday School blog, but I had to abandon it once Hurricane Sandy hit. Fortunately, the Frankenstorm's only impact on me was having to work some overtime, helping people whose flight plans were disrupted. And there are thousands of people whose problems are much worse than those of stranded travelers or overworked airline employees. If you'd like to help them, here's a great way to do it and even get something for yourself in return.
(As always, even though I work for JetBlue, and the company would certainly approve of me promoting our recovery efforts in this space, I am solely responsible for the content of this blog.)
So, rather than write my own blog post, I'm going to use someone else's work. Over a decade ago, I was introduced to "The Sugar Beet," a website that was basically the Mormon version of "The Onion." Most of the fake news stories were just okay at best, but there was one piece--an account of an event that created a small scale version of hurricane-like havoc--that I still consider one of the funniest things I've ever read. The site no longer exists (though it appears it was briefly resurrected as a blog), and I can't find any record of this particular article online, but luckily I had the foresight to print a copy back in July 2002, and I've typed it up below. (I chose to feature this today because part of this week's Sunday School lesson is on the sacrament.)
Two Deacons Collide During Administering of Sacrament
By Benson Dastrup
CHICAGO, IL--Local deacon Sammy Thomas collided with Rich Larsen while passing the sacrament on Sunday in the Chicago Hyde Park Ward. Larsen, who had traveled from Utah to visit his sister, was thrown to the ground, spilling the contents of his tray. It wasn't immediately clear what caused the accident, but Larsen blamed Thomas for not following the new Standard Sacrament Protocol, or SSP.
Sacrament passing routes have traditionally been created on an ad hoc basis, making it very difficult to keep track of competing methods and regional variations. The SSP was published last year by the Orem Utah East Stake in an attempt to establish an industry standard. The code fully utilizes all the latest passing and formation technologies and was designed to be extremely cheap to implement. Despite initial skepticism, the SSP was widely adopted along the Wasatch Front last fall.
[The article even included an awesome multi-color diagram of the SSP, including a "grassy knoll" at the top, just behind the organ. Alas, my copy is in black and white.]
Larsen, who participated in his home quorum's Subcommittee on Safety and Reverence, said, "The SSP was supposed to prevent exactly this type of accident." When asked why he thought the standards had been largely ignored outside of Utah, Larsen threw up his hands. "I just don't get it. Maybe something like this has to happen to get people to wake up."
Enough bread remained after the incident to complete the ordinance without a second prayer, but an awkward moment followed the collision when two-year-old Timmy Cannon shoved three fistfuls of bread into his mouth from the floor. It was decided after consulting the Bishop's Handbook that Timmy was not in need of any medical attention.
(As always, even though I work for JetBlue, and the company would certainly approve of me promoting our recovery efforts in this space, I am solely responsible for the content of this blog.)
So, rather than write my own blog post, I'm going to use someone else's work. Over a decade ago, I was introduced to "The Sugar Beet," a website that was basically the Mormon version of "The Onion." Most of the fake news stories were just okay at best, but there was one piece--an account of an event that created a small scale version of hurricane-like havoc--that I still consider one of the funniest things I've ever read. The site no longer exists (though it appears it was briefly resurrected as a blog), and I can't find any record of this particular article online, but luckily I had the foresight to print a copy back in July 2002, and I've typed it up below. (I chose to feature this today because part of this week's Sunday School lesson is on the sacrament.)
Two Deacons Collide During Administering of Sacrament
By Benson Dastrup
CHICAGO, IL--Local deacon Sammy Thomas collided with Rich Larsen while passing the sacrament on Sunday in the Chicago Hyde Park Ward. Larsen, who had traveled from Utah to visit his sister, was thrown to the ground, spilling the contents of his tray. It wasn't immediately clear what caused the accident, but Larsen blamed Thomas for not following the new Standard Sacrament Protocol, or SSP.
Sacrament passing routes have traditionally been created on an ad hoc basis, making it very difficult to keep track of competing methods and regional variations. The SSP was published last year by the Orem Utah East Stake in an attempt to establish an industry standard. The code fully utilizes all the latest passing and formation technologies and was designed to be extremely cheap to implement. Despite initial skepticism, the SSP was widely adopted along the Wasatch Front last fall.
[The article even included an awesome multi-color diagram of the SSP, including a "grassy knoll" at the top, just behind the organ. Alas, my copy is in black and white.]
Larsen, who participated in his home quorum's Subcommittee on Safety and Reverence, said, "The SSP was supposed to prevent exactly this type of accident." When asked why he thought the standards had been largely ignored outside of Utah, Larsen threw up his hands. "I just don't get it. Maybe something like this has to happen to get people to wake up."
Enough bread remained after the incident to complete the ordinance without a second prayer, but an awkward moment followed the collision when two-year-old Timmy Cannon shoved three fistfuls of bread into his mouth from the floor. It was decided after consulting the Bishop's Handbook that Timmy was not in need of any medical attention.
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