Watch With Jeff: Legacy

[December has been a pretty barren month on the old blog. Wrapping up the semester kept me very busy, and fortunately that coincided with stake conference, then back-to-back weeks with Christmas lessons in Sunday School. This means I didn't actually have to skip any potential BASOTRUSSL posts. This Sunday is the final lesson from the Doctrine and Covenants and Church History curriculum, and it's about Zion. And what could be a better way to get people thinking of Zion than giving the cheesy classic Legacy the "Watch With Jeff" treatment? (Actually, Toyland from my last post has plenty of Zion parallels as well.) I doubt there will be many weeks with two WWJ posts, but one per month going forward seems pretty realistic. Enjoy!]


0:27: If there's one thing you'd expect a boy who lives in a desert to wear, it's a sailor suit. Does he aspire to captain a vessel on the Great Salt Lake?

2:42: There's scant information to be found about the actor who plays the Prophet Joseph Smith. Apparently his name is Tim Gail, and the consensus is that he's gay. I remember back in the late '90s hearing a bunch of rumors about him, that basically centered around him being a disruptive on-set influence, though I can't remember specifics (not like that would make them true even if I could remember). Smith is a minor character in the film; if the rumors have any basis in reality, it's possible they trimmed down the part.

4:35: I've spent a fair amount of time in western Missouri, mostly in the summer...there's definitely a part of me that agrees with Johnny that Missouri couldn't possibly be Zion.

5:32: Snazzy dissolve. Now Eliza is...16?

6:10: I think that's Mike Huckabee's great-great-grandfather conducting that town hall meeting.

7:24: The tarring and feathering of Jacob (unknown last name) is heartwrenching, slightly graphic compared to what you normally see in LDS fare, and the first of a number of events that happened to real people that the movie co-opts into the narrative of this fictional family.

9:52: Nice to meet you, Sister Catherine.

11:30: "Don't just up and join the Church because of a pretty face." Come on--pretty faces are our top advertising tool!

11:55: Yes! They're finally in England--now the movie can really get going.

15:01: The letter--such blatant exposition--I love it.

16:01: The infamous Governor Lilburn Boggs issuing his even more infamous extermination order. It earned him the #7 spot on my list of names Mormon parents will probably never give their children.

18:30: Still don't know if Sister Catherine can speak. I think she whispered to Eliza's father earlier, but I can't be certain. I wonder if there's a "deleted scene" that gives more of her backstory.

20:28: Oh yeah, I forgot about that part. Pretty sure that's her only line. I feel like she should have more of a Scandinavian voice.

23:45: What I meant to say earlier was, "Yes! Now they're back from England!" Now it's really time for the good stuff. #LoveTriangle

28:06-29:03: David Walker is not a master of subtlety, but he gets away with it because he's handsome (and has an accent). Can you imagine if the roles were reversed, and Jacob was trying to woo Eliza away from her fiance? We'd all think he was a creepy jerk that's way too old to be marrying Eliza. (Okay, that last part is probably true.) Instead, the last line of this segment (the "slow down and work just one day in ten") got a huge sitcom laughtrack-style "ooooohhhh" from the audience the first time I saw it in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building theater.

29:15: Classic bro-off--who can saw through the log the fastest, and the prize is a woman. Sanctioned by Joseph Smith, no less. The testosterone is practically oozing from the screen.

30:41: Aaaaand......there goes all the testosterone. This scene just perpetuates the myth that Mormons can't dance. At least Jacob forced his fiancee to dance with her stalker in order to maintain his honor.

32:05: "...and I will make you laugh." This is the line from the movie I quote most often when I'm in a mocking mood, but realistically, it will be my top selling point too if I ever propose marriage.

32:30: David: "Marriage is a grand reward for kindness..." Jacob, popping out from behind a bush: "But it's just recompense for kindness, and getting tarred and feathered, and keeping the family from dying of starvation or malaria, and..." To borrow from that other bastion of Mormon cinema, the Twilight series, I think I'm on Team Jacob a little bit.

34:17: Okay, Jacob, you lost me there with that double negative ("I am not unaware of your feelings..."). All in on Team David. Still, though, classy of Jacob not to smash Brother Walker's head in with the sledgehammer after the limey gave his girl a flower right in front of him.

35:13: Wow, she dumped Jacob and then made him drop her off in front of her new man? Marriage may be a grand reward for kindness, but sparing someone humiliation shouldn't be too grand a prize to ask.

David Walker was kind of a jerk, but it's probably best that Jacob and Eliza didn't marry, and I'm not opposed to this practice in general. Being engaged is quite different from being married. I hometaught a guy at BYU who was engaged to the daughter of emeritus Church Historian Marlin K. Jensen; she had been engaged to another guy when he met her, and I loved hearing him tell the story of how he wooed her away.

36:32: Just what was the defect with that rocking chair, that it took a decade or more for it to finally get repaired? Or is it just that Johnny (rest in peace) was a slacker?

38:22: Boy, that Jacob just can't help but be a buzzkill, can he? Just kidding, that's unfair. As I'm rewatching this now, it turns out Joseph Smith was in the movie more than I remembered. And I kinda dig the performance, in spite of the critics. Some of the line readings were a little weak, but I really liked his look and his bearing. Monday would've been Joseph's 208th birthday. Praise to the man.

43:12: Once when driving to Omaha, my friend Will and I took an accidental detour to Council Bluffs, which apparently now has a reputation for being one of America's biggest hotbeds for crystal meth use. Sad. On an unrelated note, seeing a man outdoors with his face covered in shaving cream reminds me of the Mormon TV ad from the '80s where the dad and his son rush after the garbage truck with their trash bags because the son forgot to take it out. Alas, I can't find it online. Isn't it about...time, that every video ever made was uploaded to the Web?

44:58: I take back what I said at 32:05..."if we ever meet again it'll be Zion to me!" is definitely my go-to line when I want to mock this movie's cheesiness.

48:32: A family struggles with an injured ox, but the rest of the wagon train continues on without offering to help? No wonder some women want to be ordained. But this woman at least has some pretty impressive powers (or at least knows how to access impressive powers) even without ordination.

51:51: Eliza's flower received the exact opposite treatment of the one Elaine Benes was given by her poor boyfriend on an episode of Seinfeld (like David, he plucks it off a cart and hands it to her; Elaine smiles but immediately thinks, "how long do I have to hold this?"), but again I can't find the video. Lousy Internet.

52:52: I was 13 or 14 when I first saw Legacy, in the theater on Temple Square where it debuted. As the movie ended and the lights came up on the 100-plus people in the auditorium, some were crying, some were whispering reverently about the film's message, most were quietly contemplating their faith and the sacrifices made by early Mormon pioneers.

And two rows in front of me, two 20-something girls were giggling and debating whether David or Johnny was hotter. I would never be able to watch Legacy non-sarcastically again. Hope you had fun watching with Jeff!

(There are plenty of stories about real pioneers that I view with solemnity and respect. This one is probably my favorite. (Yes, that's the second James E. Faust link of this post. Loved that guy.) Read it, especially if my cynicism left a sour taste in your mouth.)

Watch With Jeff: Babes In Toyland

Back in September, I promised to do a running diary of the '90s Mormon pioneer movie Legacy, if I ever found an easily accessible version online. Well, I found one. So look for that post coming soon. But not today. Today I'm going to do a running diary of the best bad Christmas movie of all time, the 1986 made-for-TV version of Babes In Toyland. I'm assuming that these two posts will be awesome and that this can become a regular feature, so I'm giving them the title "Watch With Jeff." Enjoy!


0:19: The credits begin--and check out this cast! 11-year-old Drew Barrymore, four years post-E.T. Keanu Reeves, three years pre-Bill & Ted (and 27 years before his new heartwarming family tale, 47 Ronin--in theaters Christmas Day!). Pat Morita, riding high off of his Oscar nomination for Karate Kid the year before. This is going to be great!

2:23: My mom totally had that cookbook. Everyone did. I think it was included in the startup kit you were issued when you moved to suburbia, along with the red Fisher Price car with the yellow roof, and Chicago's Greatest Hits 1982-1989.

2:33: The big names in the credits likely drew most of your attention, but there's a solid supporting cast as well. We'll shout them out as they appear. Here's Jill Schoelen, who didn't have as successful a career as some of her co-stars, but she was engaged to Brad Pitt.

2:42: And here's Eileen Brennan, likely best known to my generation as Mrs. Peacock in Clue. Alas, she passed away last summer.

3:29: "You're a rat." And you're a bad actor. In case you can't tell, Drew, er, I mean, Lisa, is overly mature for her age and doesn't want to be viewed as a kid. This is important.

5:28: Keanu!

6:48: The late, great Richard Mulligan, star of Empty Nest and Neil Diamond's fever dreams. He seems to be riffing throughout the movie, meaning he either never bothered to read the script, or he was drunk/high during filming. Or all of the above.

8:50: Another recurring subplot--Lisa, ostensibly the "good guy," can be quite bratty and meddlesome. Love that old school PA system, though.

9:10: Why don't any of the customers get bags for their purchases? And WHY is that metal door pulled halfway down? I'm guessing that was a production mistake, but Mulligan refused to do a second take.

10:49: This movie is already off to a great start, and now--it's becoming a musical! This song (highlighting the awesomeness that is Cincinnati, probably my favorite recurring theme) is probably the movie's best, so good that they'll sing it again before all is said and done.

12:55: The hapless police bears are probably my favorite of all the citizens of Toyland. I have a lot of favorites.

13:32: "Mary, I really do like the sled, but look--it has wedding cake all over it, I can't possibly use it now!"

14:24: Didn't mention him before, but here's Googy Gress. He's had a long but nondescript acting career, though he did appear in an episode of the great show Pushing Daisies. If this running diary goes viral, maybe enough people will know this movie that I can wear that delightful high-waisted brown ensemble next Halloween. He also has my dream job--chief taster at a cookie factory.

15:17: "He rolls his house right down the street and knocks people over." What?! How can you do that with a house? How does it roll back into place? Sadly, they never show this act of pure villainy.

17:48: Nice job there by Lisa, equating beauty with goodness. Great message for the kids.

18:35: The justice of the peace is rockin' a pretty sweet beard. He would've fit right in with the early LDS apostles.

22:13: Lisa has saved the day! And now she gets her own song from Georgie Porgie, who is already seemingly obsessed with her. Don't worry, their interactions will get much creepier before the movie is over.

22:38: "Let's hear it for the folks who love freedom!" This is--yep, you guessed it--my favorite lyric from this song.

24:10: The bowling ball is surprisingly spacious inside.

25:53: If the bakers carrying the wedding cake had also been on roller skates, they probably could've gotten out of the way before Lisa crashed into it. Just sayin'.

27:30: That's a pretty terrible swing. That goon would never be able to play for the Reds if he ever made it to the greatest city in the world, Cincinnati.

30:24: At least Lisa doesn't want to deny Barnaby the right to get married altogether (a very timely issue). Apparently Mary is okay with Barnaby becoming her stepfather?

31:18: The consequences of Toyland's lax drivers licensing requirements will have consequences later on. #Foreshadowing

32:07: Jack: What do you say to a big kiss?
           Mary: Hello, big kiss!
           Now that is great writing. What's it doing in this movie?

34:51: Can't wait for the L&O spinoff, Law & Order: Grand Cookie Larceny Division.

36:04: When asked if anyone has ever told him about Cincinnati, Justice Grimm speaks for all of us when he asks "Why should they?" Quit cramming Cincinnati down our throats, Cincy-whatsky!

36:39: By far the most ironically funny moment of the movie--the glorifying of Pete Rose (this won't be the last time he's mentioned). Less than a year before this movie was filmed, he became baseball's all-time hit king; less than three years later, he was banned from baseball for life for betting on games.

39:35: Told ya! We finally get to see Mr. Miyagi, and the first thing he does is talk about Pete Rose.

40:00: "Now she can see, and dance, and smile," and creep kids out. Seriously, pretty much every toy in that workshop could cause nightmares.

41:00: For some reason, I'm ok with that Trollog having an al-seeing eye, but I just can't accept that it has the ability to zoom in and out.

45:50: Thank goodness--another song! It had been way too long. Here, we learn that Barnaby's "monsterpiece" involves not only controlling Toyland, but full-on world domination.

50:08: This whole scene is weird--weren't Mary and Lisa just at the cookie factory? Why aren't they concerned that Jack is missing? Why are Lisa and Barnaby pretending to be civil to each other, and why is Barnaby doing a legitimately nice thing like bringing flowers?

51:40: "He's come back for me! Oh no, it's only fatty." This might be the harshest weight joke at Georgie's expense yet, and that includes being called a great, fat lump by Barnaby, and Jack telling him they could cut three heroes out of him.

53:21: Can't decide if "it's time I did something besides cry" or "hold me, just hold me" were Ms. Schoelen's most blatant attempts at being a serious actress and giving her character depth. Keep trying, Mary Contrary.

55:26: That prancing, flapping Trollog is pretty creepy, but still less unnerving than most of the toys lining the walls of the workshop.

58:09: Oh great. Now Ralphie won't even be able to ask for a set of brushes for Christmas without getting a chorus of "you'll paint your eye out!"

59:30: Fighting evil is a job for the young, not the old, and certainly not the job of law enforcement. Lazy police bears. Can't even put on a pair of pants!

1:00:04: That's a pretty intricate trapdoor network Barnaby has there beneath the bowling ball.

1:02:39: So, are we supposed to take from this that the air quality is so bad in Cincinnati, that its citizens develop immunity to all airborne toxins, even the ones that turn people into trolls? Wait, can't think about that right now, they're singing the awesome Cincinnati song again...

1:03:42: ...and it worked! They've all regained their humanity, thanks to the amazing curative powers of Cincinnati!

1:05:09: Keanu may have been 13 years away from realizing he knew kung fu, but he still has a pretty wicked left cross.

1:09:43: I know I've said this so much that it's lost most of its meaning, but this is the beginning of my favorite scene in the movie--arguably the greatest car chase in cinematic history.

1:11:40: Run those last few seconds back again...did you notice that the cars passed each other, and then crashed? I love this movie so much.

1:14:02: Admit it, you were worried we were going to reach the end of the movie without Mr. Miyagi singing. Well your fears were unfounded--everybody gets a song. This seems like a good time to point out that Pat Morita's IMDb page lists eight credits from 2006 on, even though he died in 2005. Chris Farley and Tupac ain't got nothin' on him.

1:17:39: Boy, do those police bears deserve to be fired. But we can't do anything--the Toyland unions are too powerful.

1:18:50: It's weird enough that that lion is wearing an Andre Tippett jersey...but what happened to the Cincinnati love? Why wasn't he in a Tim Krumrie jersey? Though I guess it would be a bit odd for a lion to be dressed as a Bengal tiger.

1:22:16: Police bear, to other police bear: "Uh oh, our supervisor is watching--look busy! Help me lift the latch on this gate."

1:23:52: "Jack not be nimble--Jack be dead!" It was still undecided until this point, but I think we can all now agree unequivocally that Barnaby is the best villain of all time.

1:28:40: Almost unlimited power...I wonder what the Toymaster won't let Justice Grimm do?

1:29:59: Time to get awkward...Georgie's just a little too worked up about Lisa's departure, if you ask me...

1:31:35: ...and Lisa apparently feels the same way. Had she remained in Toyland, I can easily imagine a scenario where things go too far, and the police bears come to take Georgie away. "It's not my fault! She kept saying 'I'm not a child!' You've got to believe me!"

1:32:16: It's in Drew Barrymore's contract that every one of her movies include a shot of something flying in front of the moon. Go ahead, try me. Rewatch Charlie's Angels and Never Been Kissed and tell me I'm wrong.

And that's it. Thanks for joining me on this metaphorical sled ride smack dab into a giant wedding cake. May I wish you the happiest Christmas anyone ever knew!

Tis the Season to Be 'Merica

I neglected to write a BASOTRUSSL (Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson) post last week, but that's ok because that lesson (on being good citizens) and this week's lesson (on the Family Proclamation) make for a natural, logical combination.

Recently, it's become a cottage industry of sorts to take a widely read blog post (whether it be on how/why modesty is taught, who marriage is "for," liberal Mormons, the perceived equivalency of pornography consumption and adultery, or myriad other topics) and write a critical response in an effort to become more widely read themselves.

I find the trend a little irritating, though some of the response pieces are interesting and well-written. Turns out I'm a bit of a hypocrite, though, for while this post is not a direct response to a specific blog, I will be giving contrary opinions on a few items dealing with the intersection between family, religion, and politics and government that have had some traction in social media lately. A few things to keep in mind before I really get going:

--I do not write this blog for altruistic purposes. I choose my topics either because they interest me, or to attract readers and draw attention to myself--often both. I make this admission because that is the main thing I dislike about these "response to" posts: they too often present themselves with a "I was so outraged that I had to respond" air of moral superiority, when in most if not all cases the writer's primary purpose is actually to drive page views.

--My default position on political issues is apathy (which, combined with what I wrote above, is why I rarely write about them). So, when I express some views below that are at least somewhat libertarian in nature, there's more than a tinge of laziness that has created those views. Along those lines, while the views I express are firm, I don't think about these things as often as a lot of other people do.

--I am a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Just because I feel that government should (or shouldn't) do certain things, doesn't mean I believe the Church should adjust its doctrines or policies accordingly. This will likely be reiterated at least once later on.

Boy, that was a long intro. Let's get down to business.

"IF YOU SHOP ON THANKSGIVING, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM"

Working in retail sucks. There's no getting around it. My first two jobs were at a mall and a department store and included one "holiday season." I hope I never have to do that kind of work again. But I think it's wrong to assume that retail workers have a family to spend Thanksgiving with (or that those who do all want to spend that day with family), or that working on the holiday prevents them from having quality family time.

It's unfortunate, but many people don't have great family situations, and the holidays can be a painful time for them. For most, spending ten hours on their feet dealing with frantic shoppers isn't going to fill that "happy family" void, but I think we ought to be careful not to project our values and desires onto other people.

I also contend that extended "Black Friday" shopping hours need not keep retail workers away from their families for the entire holiday. I work in the airline industry (this is a good place to point out that my blog is a forum for my views only, not those of my employer). Although it's not an "essential" profession (no rational person will argue that all doctors should have Thanksgiving off, for example), under normal conditions there's never a time when my airline doesn't have planes in the air. There's no such thing as a day off--in fact, we're prohibited from using vacation time on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I work a graveyard shift, and have for a while, so I can relate to those who had to work odd hours this weekend. I likely have at least slightly more control over which hours I work, and working overnight works well with my school schedule, but--it can be hard. I generally sleep very poorly. But this week I worked Wednesday night into Thursday morning, slept a little, spent several quality hours with my family, then worked again that night. It was tiring, but far from impossible, to see my family this weekend.

Many are concerned with the wages and working conditions of retail employees, as well as the unnecessary violence that Black Friday "doorbusters" beget, and rightly so. But those are separate topics from simply getting worked up about stores being open on Thanksgiving.

THE PORNOGRAPHY "OPT-IN" PETITION

I did not sign this petition, partly due to the aforementioned apathy, but there were two additional reasons for my reluctance.

First off, it was far too unspecific. Would only "hardcore" pictures and videos be included? What about photos of Maxim bikini models, or reviews of Fifty Shades of Gray, or even the revealing pictures of me in my Doughboy costume? I feel the petition's intent was noble but too ill-defined for me to support.

The second reason--I believe current safeguards are sufficient to protect people from stumbling into pornography innocently or unaware. My job (monitoring tweets and Facebook posts for JetBlue) often requires me to do some Internet research to figure out the meaning or context of things people are saying, or to try to find out some background information on someone in order to respond in the most appropriate way possible. To give just one work-related example, there have been a couple of times when porn actors have tweeted questions, jokes, or non sequiturs, and in determining whether to reply or not I've noticed that Google will not autopopulate a search for adult entertainers--you have to type out the full name. Even with SafeSearch off. I'm convinced that, even with just a basic content filter, inadvertently encountering pornography on the Internet happens far less frequently than the petition's supporters would have us believe.

While filters and other safeguards can protect against most cases of "surprise" porn, the other side of that coin is that there's really no way to stop someone from viewing it if they really want to. If you haven't "opted in" on your home computer, your kid could still find a way to access porn at a friend's house, on a handheld device, or some other way. The only way to ensure kids (and adults) stay away from pornography is to educate them, help them to understand why it is evil, and to commit to avoiding it.

Make no mistake about it, pornography is evil. It tempts me more than any other vice, and it can be very difficult to resist. I wish it did not exist. But I do not think the government should be the ones imposing restrictions in this area, at least in this too-general way.

GAY MARRIAGE

Ok, this one hasn't been talked about as much lately (at least among my social media contacts) as it was a few years ago, but overall it's the hot-button topic of our era. I reiterate that I am a faithful member of the LDS Church, and accept its law of chastity (including prohibitions against homosexual activity) as the word of God. But I don't expect people who do not share my beliefs to adhere to my standards.

Back in 2008, I was very glad that I didn't live in California. If I had been urged to donate time and resources and to vigorously participate in the Prop 8 campaign, I'm not sure what I would've done. Again, there's the apathy thing, but I was also surprised that the Church chose to be so publicly involved. There are two reasons for my surprise, and for my hesitancy to say "yes, I definitely would've gotten involved had I been there."

For starters, I didn't buy the "logical" arguments that were made by Church members and their allies. I'm not married, but I hope to be in the future. When that day comes, if my wife and I end up living in a state that allows gay marriage, I cannot conceive of a scenario where I would feel my marriage was cheapened just because my gay neighbors were also married. I have no fears about my future children learning about same sex couples in school, or being friends with the children of gay couples. I will do my best to instill values and morals in my children, including my religion's teachings about families but also its teachings about love and kindness.

The other thing that caused a disconnect for me was just considering the numbers. The magnitude of the Church's opposition to gay marriage seemed disproportionate to the number of people that would be impacted, especially in comparison to divorce, cohabitation, and other issues plaguing heterosexual couples. Yes, Church leaders often preach against these other dangers that threaten family stability and the welfare of children, but it stays at the pulpit and doesn't enter the political arena. To me, the sheer difference in quantity of straight couples and marriages makes that the category that the Church ought to focus on if it chooses to become involved in public policy or ballot initiatives.

Basically, in case I haven't made it clear, on all of these issues, I generally agree with the morals and ethics of the majority of my friends who have been posting about them on Facebook or elsewhere, but I disagree with the ways they propose to effect change. I am convinced that my religious beliefs are correct--sanctioned by God, even--but I do not believe others should be forced to adopt my views and practices by public shaming, social coercion, or government intervention.

Phew. This is one of my longest posts ever. If you made it all the way to the end...well done. If you'd like clarification on any of my opinions, please let me know. If you disagree, feel free to let me know why, though I'm likely familiar with your counter-arguments already. Or, if this blog goes "viral," you can write your own response post. I promise I won't be mad.

Spandex is a privilege

It's unlikely that anyone who reads my blog has not yet seen these pictures, but they deserve to be immortalized in this forum. I didn't think I would ever top my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume from 2010, but I think this Pillsbury Doughboy ensemble takes the cake. Or cookies. Or biscuits. When contemplating costume choices for Halloween, Doughboy has been a contender for the past several years, but I've always gone with an easier option. The costume turned out better than I ever hoped for. It's really the ideal choice for me--he's basically a roly-poly bundle of laughter and carbohydrates, and that suits me perfectly.

Speaking of suiting me perfectly...I just love that spandex bodysuit. Pretty much every costume shop, and many other retailers, sell some sort of full-body morph suit, but they're literally full-body---covering the head and everything. After much searching, I found an awesome Chinese company, Zentai-Zentai (proposed slogan: "because sometimes, one Zentai is not enough!) that sells custom suits. You can give them exact measurements of every part of your body, plus add a wide array of special options. I got one with a face aperture (the most important customization), detachable mittens, and a crotch zipper. And the price is quite reasonable, even with all the add-ons. I was a bit nervous that it wouldn't arrive in time, or that it would arrive and be not what I wanted (English is clearly not the primary language of the site operators), but everything worked out great.

It was a little tricky to get into--I thought I had torn it at one point--but once I got it over my shoulders, it was quite comfortable. And it was so freeing. I really enjoyed walking around in it, my big belly being an asset for once. I also loved not having pockets, which liberated me from having to worry about phone, wallet, or keys. I just had fun. Some friends and I made a brief cameo at the U of U Institute Dance to see costumes, have ours seen (I shamed another doughboy, who was basically just wearing a chef's hat and wrapped in a duvet), and check if people could resist poking my belly (many could not--after all, on Halloween one doesn't just dress as the Pillsbury Doughboy, they dress as Sexy Pillsbury Doughboy), then headed to Denny's, reviving one of my favorite Provo Halloween traditions. It was a great night.

The "Beware" on my friends' door (thanks for helping with my makeup, Jenny!) will make this last line a bit creepy, but...see you next Halloween!

Reborn at last

I started this blog a two and a half years ago, and haven't updated the design of it once in that time. As you can see, I did very little "designing" in the first place, either. One thing I did do was add a subtitle--"be reborn a poet!"--a line from the opera Tales of Hoffmann. Now, 30 months later, I'm finally posting some poetry.

I'm in a creative writing class this semester, and I've already posted one of the pieces I wrote for our fiction unit. Maybe I'll put more of them up eventually. Now we're on to poetry, and I've been very pleased with a couple of them, especially this first one. The assignment was to write a prayer, and to apply some kind of arbitrary rule to it--exactly five words in every line, no using the letter e, things like that. See if you can figure out my rule. The title is a clue, but it's still a little tricky. I'll reveal it at the bottom of the post. On a side note, this poem was "workshopped" in class, and literally none of my classmates had ever heard the expression "six of one, half a dozen of the other." My teacher and I were fairly stunned. How is that possible?

FOR CHRISTMAS, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME

Dear Santa, I can't sleep. The clock on my nightstand shows a pair of twelves.

It's Christmas Day. Noel. Even now you're speeding home to your wife and your elves,

But you see all, you know all, and I ask that you listen to my prayer.

You've been in every house tonight, but when I go downstairs I fear I'll find no presents there.

If that's the case, I beg you to change your course, make your sleigh turn around

And come back. Let Christmas Eve now get a redo, and with it a profound

Change in your philosophy. Let "naughty and nice" become six of one,

Half a dozen of the other. For if I've learned anything in my short span

On this earth, it's that mercy should be the hallmark of our species, not justice.

Win souls with reexamined doctrine--we ought to receive gifts at Christmas

Not by works, but by belief. Some say faith without works is dead, but don't listen

To that. I believe in you, Santa. So...can I get an iPhone? Amen.

I was hoping this next one would seem like a guy trying to get a girl to "go all the way" with him, only to find out at the end that he's actually talking about a much bigger commitment. It didn't fully work out how I wanted, but I still like it.

SEAL THE DEAL

It shouldn't be this big a deal,

Considering how long we've dated.

But she says "You know how I feel;

Putting labels on things is overrated."

We go out often, share our meals,

But our "coupling" is not yet consummated.

I make my eloquent appeals,

And yet she says "It's best we waited."

I cannot wait. Though I know that she'll

Be beyond annoyed, oh, she will hate it,

I have this impulse to reveal

Something; it won't subside, it must be sated.

If it's not on Facebook it's not real--

My relationship status? "It's complicated."

*In the first poem, each line counts down from "twelve" to "one" (like a child counting down to Christmas, or the 12 Days of Christmas), but in most lines the number is spread over two or even three words. Read it again, it's kinda cool.*

Hoffmann of the Month: November/December

I'm pretty late naming a "Hoffmann of the Month" (so named to allow any Hofman, Hofmann, Hoffman, or Hoffmann to be eligible) for November, so this month's honoree will reign not only through the rest of November, but for December as well. It's only fitting, because this may be my favorite one yet: Austria's representative in last week's Miss Universe pageant--and proof that you can't spell HOTM without "hot"--Doris Hofmann!

Although there's scant biographical data available on Miss Hofmann, you can trust that I've researched this month's winner more thoroughly than any previous winner. Her official Miss Universe bio includes an extensive photo gallery (though be advised she's bikini-clad in many of them), and also reveals that she loves wiener schnitzel and used to work on a BMW assembly line. She's also not particularly adept at keeping a balloon afloat with her breath.

A native of the Austrian town of Steyr (which I assume is fittingly pronounced "Stare," though I'm not going to look it up in case I'm wrong), Doris was Austria's first Miss Universe contestant since 2004. Sure, she didn't even place in the top 16, but who knows how long the drought would've continued if a Hofmann had never come along? Everyone likes to make jokes about how Miss Universe is, somehow, always an Earthling, but let's be honest--if any Martians or Rigelians or green Star Trek ladies had entered, Doris would've wiped the floor with them.

Interestingly, Hofmann wasn't even Miss Austria 2013, she was the runner-up. But there doesn't appear to be any scandal, it looks like the winner, Ena Kadic, had scheduling conflicts that prevented her from competing (if I'm correctly interpreting the Google translation of this page).

I'm glad there was finally a Hofmann-Trump connection, because my fantasies about meeting and wooing Ivanka will likely never come to pass. Congrats to Doris Hofmann--you may not be Miss Universe (or Miss Congeniality, or Miss Photogenic, or...), but you're my Miss November, and my Miss December. And I mean that in the classiest way possible.

Lest we forget--lest we forget

Today is the midway point between Veterans Day and the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address, and this week's Sunday School lesson is on putting on the armor of God...seems like a perfect time to revisit Great-Grandpa Hofmann's autobiography (with my commentary in italics), more specifically his military service. Lots of reasons to like this story, not the least of which being the reminder that opposing, "enemy" armies are largely made up of good people. Take it away, GGP!

August 1, 1914 Germany declared war on Russia...

August 7, 1914 I also had to go into the Kaiser's service in Hildesheim. The first day we received military uniforms and shoes and some training. The following day we finished our training and were ordered to the front...we were to support the invasion of Belgium. We wore new gray uniforms, unknown to the Belgians at that time, and they thought we were English and received us very kindly. Soon their attitude changed and we told them not to fight against the invading army, and that we were commanded not to do any harm to civilians, unless they attacked us first. Very soon I learned that war is hell. During my service as a German soldier in World War I, I was in Belgium, but I did not shoot a bullet out of my gun in the five weeks I was there. I was there to help the wounded soldiers, give them first aid and help the doctors, when there was no battle on. I did not wound or kill anyone. In the field hospital during the battle near Haecht, Belgium, September 12, 1914 [not finding much specific info by Googling, but this was possibly at the tail end of the Battle of the Frontiers], I was heavily wounded while I was helping a fellow soldier to save his life. I was taken, together with other wounded soldiers, to the St. Jean Hospital in Brussels...

The following day I found myself in a hospital bed and in the presence of doctors and nurses. The surgeon-in-chief, an English doctor, seemed to be interested in my case. He explained to me the condition in which I was in. I got the impression that he would do his best for me, therefore I consented to his proposition to amputate my right shank, a few inches below the knee. This was done immediately after I consented. In a dream I saw a man burying the shank in the garden of the hospital. [I know this must have been a terrible ordeal, but I laugh every time I read his leg referred to as a shank. Also, at the thought of a shoe tree growing from the shank planted in the garden.]

After the operation I awakened from a deep sleep, I tried to leave the bed to go to the lavatory, but I found out that I could not walk with one leg. As I, from the bed, looked out into the garden of the hospital I saw three trees full of ripe fruit. I asked the nurse if I could have a plateful of cooked pears. She smiled, as the doctor came in she asked him my question. He answered her, give him what he wants, after eleven or twelve tonight he asks no more. I was surprised to hear the doctor thought the end of my life would come. Nevertheless, I thought that he was mistaken. The next morning as the doctors and nurses visited at my bedside, the chief surgeon asked me in German, "How are you?" I told him that I felt better than I thought I would last evening...I told him that I would not die yet, but he answered that he had never before seen a man living with such high fever...on my birthday, November 19, I was carried from Brussels, Belgium to Hamburg, Germany...I was in great pain, day and night and could hardly sleep...the surgeon-in-chief there told me I had to undergo another operation because the English doctor had made a mistake which he must correct, but I replied that I do not believe that and...I did not consent to be re-operated upon. From that time on he neglected my wound and for two weeks it received no new dressing. However, I had enough knowledge to help myself and when the two weeks were over my wound was in excellent condition. With the help of the Lord he did not get power over me to reoperate.

In the hospital were about two thousand wounded soldiers. [Army of Helaman, much?] Being one of them I had excellent opportunity to explain the principles of the restored Gospel. The members of the Hamburg Branch of the Church visited me daily in groups of five, ten and sometimes fifty. At times there were more saints in the hospital than in the meetinghouse...

The chaplain in charge of religious instruction at the hospital, the doctors and nurses, even everybody in the 2,000 bed hospital heard some principles of the restored gospel explained and my testimony. Some days later I was officially forbidden to give tracts to anyone in the hospital and threatened with heavy punishment. This decree went out about 9:00 A.M. At that time I had about 600 tracts at my bedside, enough for about a month's distribution. [A month?! Feeling very ashamed about my missionary street-contacting success rate right now...] I did not give out one of them, but some soldiers came and took them from my storage place, sat down on the tables and read them. After they had read them they asked me why distribution of them should or could be forbidden. Many came and asked me religious or moral questions. After the evening meals until 9:00 P.M. the room was full with investigators. I answered their questions and explained correct principles to them.

The pastor, the surgeon, and others now felt outwitted, but had no lawful means to stop my activity. A mob was organized who should mishandle me while I was sleeping during the night, bind me and hit me until I was black and blue with blood. I did not know of their plan until the following morning when the leader of the mob came to me and asked me to forgive him, then I got an idea of the devilish plan. I realized that I was saved like father Abraham, as he had been taken by the idolatrous priests and bound to one of their altars to be offered as a sacrifice and was saved from such an ordeal. I answered the mob leader that I had never before in my life had a better sleep than last night. He answered, "I and those who were with me will not do any more against you no matter what you say or do."

He was transferred to another hospital two weeks later, and after four more weeks was discharged from the military. He was awarded both the Iron Cross and the Distinguished Service Cross.

How cool was that story? I made the stripling warrior connection and he compared himself to Abraham, but you can also draw parallels between GGP's story and those of Paul, Joseph Smith, Peter and Vincenzo di Francesca, at a minimum. This may be my final post drawn from my great-grandfather's diary, and if so it's a good way to go out. This is definitely my favorite section in it. If you ever see me laugh while singing "I hope they call me on a mission, when I have 'grown a foot' or two," you'll know that I'm thinking about GGP, his shank, and the great missionary he was. God bless the veterans from our country and others.

Semiannual Apostolic Power Rankings

A physical representation of apostolic "power." Check out those guns!

Just because nobody has specifically asked for it, doesn't mean you don't want it--so here it is! The updated, post-General Conference Apostolic Power Rankings!

As you may recall, back in June the LDS Church created official Facebook pages for all members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and in July I posted the first ever APR. That post included my projected order and my personal order, along with the actual results, so check it out. It's a fun read.

This time around, it's straight-up statistical analysis. (It will be all words, though; if anyone wants to take the time to create some charts and graphs for this or future APR posts, that would be awesome.) On the morning of the first day of General Conference (October 5), I recorded the current number of Likes each of the 15 pages had. This was exactly three months since the earlier post, and in that time Elder Holland's Like total had gone up 203%, the smallest proportional increase. All others ranged from 247-287% growth, led by President Packer.

Now, five weeks later, church members in even the most remote branches have had a chance to watch Conference. The full text and video of each talk has been available on LDS.org for weeks, and my Conference Ensign even arrived a few days ago, so I feel sufficient time has passed to include any Conference-related "Like spike" on the Facebook pages.

The current standings, in ascending order (numbers current as of approximately 2:30 PM MT, on November 8, 2013):

15. Robert D. Hales: 34,959 Likes, gain of 13.3% since October 5
Down one spot. Years of poor health and a good dose of meekness prevent Elder Hales from standing out much. I don't think he minds.
14. Quentin L. Cook: 36,223, 12.7%
Down one spot. He's the most tenured of the three newbies, so I'm a little surprised he places below them. But the numbers are incredibly close, and he could easily jump a few spots.
13. Neil L. Andersen: 36,352, 12.8%
Down two spots. Elder Andersen is the only one to drop at least one spot from July to October and from October to now.
12. D. Todd Christofferson: 36,488, 13.7%
Down four spots...but on the rise. He went from 8th in July, to 14th in October, and now up to 12th, by far the most variable ranking of any of the 15. Not sure what to attribute it to.
11. M. Russell Ballard: 36,679, 13.4%
Down one spot. Geez, everyone is dropping; I wonder why? Oh yeah, it's because of...
10. Boyd K. Packer: 38,481, 14.9%
Up five spots! It was surprising to see him in last place in July, but the market has corrected itself, it appears. President Packer's increase over the last five weeks isn't as impressive as his July-to-October bump, but it was still the 4th-highest percentage increase.
9. Russell M. Nelson: 38,664, 15.2%
No change, despite the third-best improvement rate (and despite the lack of a meme-able missionary catchphrase in his Conference talk).
8. L. Tom Perry: 38,741, 14.0%
Up two spots. He leapfrogged Elder Nelson (now that's some fun imagery) since July, but boy, is that margin narrow!
7. Richard G. Scott: 39,458, 14.6%
No change. Elder Scott makes an appearance in the great "How General Authorities Eat Their Reese's" video which, coincidentally, debuted on YouTube on the same day the first APR post went up. What a great day for borderline sacrilege! I wonder if we'll get another companion video today?
6. Dallin H. Oaks: 40,623, 14.2%
No change. At Conference, Elder Oaks gave the talk that people were most likely to take issue with (I do not take issue with it, for the record), but as I pointed out frequently in the last post, there's currently no "Dislike" option on Facebook, so his steadiness on the list isn't surprising.
5. David A. Bednar: 45,902, 13.8%
No change. Everyone still loves him.
4. Henry B. Eyring: 54,576, 11.6%
No change from July...but down one spot since October 5th. President Eyring had briefly passed Elder Holland, due to the latter's "small" 203% growth mentioned above.
3. Jeffrey R. Holland: 56,436, 16.8%
Down one spot since July, up one since October. Elder Holland had the second-best October-to-now improvement, and it's no surprise, since his frank discussion on mental illness got a lot of attention at Conference, second only to the talk from this next guy.
2. Dieter F. Uchtdorf: 69,155, 22.7%
Up one spot. These numbers are staggering but not surprising. His talk in the Saturday morning session of Conference was widely shared, even getting coverage in the New York Times. The 22.7% increase is phenomenal, but what stands out even more--in the last five weeks, President Uchtdorf has more total Likes than President Monson.
1. Thomas S. Monson: 138,529, 9.6%
No change. By far the smallest percentage increase, but still almost a full tithe's worth, and for all of President Uchtdorf's new "fans," President Monson still has twice as many Likes. Though I'm sure he's too kind to rub it in.

So there's the most up-to-date Apostolic Power Rankings. If you want to increase God's power in your own life, study their words. The links above are a great start, and over the next six months I encourage you to refer frequently to the talks these men gave at General Conference. This week's Sunday School lesson is on continuing revelation to latter-day prophets, so study that too. It's an even better way to show these prophets and apostles that you like them than clicking a button on Facebook.

Every Movember a Missionary

Over 50 years ago, former LDS President David O. McKay popularized the now-classic Mormon refrain, "every member a missionary." It's a great mindset for church members to adopt, and it's also the title of this week's Gospel Doctrine lesson. So study up.

Fortuitously, the calendar has also just turned to November, or as its become known to many the last few years, Movember--the month-long growing of mustaches designed to raise awareness of prostate cancer and other men's health issues. I don't always participate in Movember, but I love the concept--doing something by, well, doing nothing. Charity walk-a-thons could learn a thing or two from Movember.

So, Movember, "every member a missionary"...even if you didn't read the title of the post, you can probably see where this is going--it's mashup time! Mormon leaders, Mormon men in general, and especially young Mormon missionaries are known for their clean-cut appearance, but this was not always the case. For the first 100 years or so after the church's founding (mirroring prevalent trends in American society), facial hair was more common than not.

Below is my list of the top 10 mustaches of Mormon apostles, as depicted in the appendix of the CES manual Church History in the Fulness of Times (though the pictures below are not all from the manual). Apostles and missionaries are not completely analogous, but it's pretty close, and it's easier to find their pictures than random missionary photographs from the 1870s.

Before beginning the list, it's important to note that some men with great facial hair, like Brigham Young, Wilford Woodruff, and Charles C. Rich will not be included...

...because they have no mustaches! This is about Movember, not No-Shave-November, and especially not their less altruistic cousin, Noshember. On to the list!

Honorable Mention: Richard L. Evans (ordained an Apostle in 1953)

There are close to 20 better mustaches, but the long-time host of Music and the Spoken Word was the most recent apostle pictured with a 'stache in the manual, and I felt that needed to be recognized.

10. Lorenzo Snow (ordained in 1849, later became 5th President of the Church)

Don't get the wrong idea from what I said above about Brother Brigham and the rest--beards can be an excellent enhancement to a mustache, there just has to actually be a mustache for inclusion in these rankings.

9. Reed Smoot (ordained in 1900)

One of Utah's first senators (a position which led to his name being mentioned in Ferris Bueller!), in the CES manual his mustache isn't nearly as impressive, and he looks a bit like a European movie villain.

8. George Albert Smith (ordained in 1903, later became 8th President of the Church)

As President, he had a pretty sweet goatee, but I dig the mustache only look from his younger days even more.

7. Heber J. Grant (ordained in 1882, later became 7th President of the Church)

When President Grant became older and grayer, his beard gave him a very dignified look. It does here too, but the dark color gives off just a little bit of hobo, if you ask me.

6. George Teasdale (ordained in 1882)

Teasdale and Grant were ordained apostles on the same day. What a landmark moment for facial hair!

5. Albert Carrington (ordained in 1870)

I've been skimping on biographical data in the interest of keeping this post to a somewhat manageable level. All of these men are worth learning more about; Elder Carrington shows that some are more worth emulating than others.

4. Abraham H. Cannon (ordained in 1889)

Elder Cannon was only 37 when he died. He crammed a lot of marrying, publishing, church service, and mustache into a fairly short life.

3. Joseph F.  Smith (ordained in 1866, later became 6th President of the Church)

I love that he kept the long beard throughout his adult life (as far as I can tell from the pictures I've seen).

2. Orson Pratt (ordained in 1835)

When missionaries first get to Scotland, they climb Arthur's Seat, which Mormons call Pratt's Hill, because Orson Pratt once prayed there for 200 baptisms, which the Lord helped him to achieve. It was a fairly steep climb for me back in 1999; I can't imagine doing it with an extra 20 pounds of facial hair.

1. Moses Thatcher (ordained in 1879)

The pinnacle. Tom Selleck on steroids. What all Movember participants wish they could achieve. Until December 1st, let's all commit to spend the time we would've devoted to shaving to sharing the gospel with our neighbors. Every Movember a Missionary!

The Great NYC Donut Tour of 2013

Last week was my fall break from the University of Utah. My only experience with post-secondary education before this year was at BYU, which crams too much into the school year to allow room for breaks. So I had already been anticipating the wonders of a spring break, but when I found out I got a fall break too, I almost didn't know what to do with myself.

But only almost. I hit up my favorite travel destination, New York City, for four days--my first visit in almost a year. The whole trip was great. I saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen for a while, including some who have moved to the city since I last saw them (hooray for the replenishing of my couchsurfing pool!), and met the new babies of my old roommate Ryan, and of David and Marlene McCune, who lived in Omaha the last time I took advantage of their hospitality.

I could write about these fun reunions, the great pizza and burgers I ate, the most expensive movie I've ever seen (Gravity, in IMAX, at NYC ticket prices), or even having to spend the night at JFK on the way home. And maybe I will, someday. But for this post, I'm going to focus on a surprising theme that emerged on my trip: I ate a lot of fancy donuts.

On Friday night I had plans to meet my friend Erin to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and eat pizza at Juliana's, which is basically the new Grimaldi's, by which I mean the old Grimaldi's, because there's a literal new Grimaldi's right next door. (Google it or ask me about it if you're interested in NYC pizza, it's an intriguing and delicious saga.) She suggested we get dessert first, because she wanted to introduce me to the donut ice cream sandwich at Holey Cream, a little shop in Hell's Kitchen.

They slice a donut in half, then add three scoops of ice cream. I got Milky Way, red velvet (on the clerk's recommendation), and, hiding behind them, oatmeal raisin. All were very good, but the oatmeal raisin was the best ice cream I've had in a long time--it was amazing. Then they ice the top donut half, and you choose a topping for them to dip it in. I got toasted coconut, and it was a winning choice. The creation tastes better than it looks--and admit it, it looks really good, doesn't it?

The next morning, I got up just after 4 AM so I could be in line for a cronut by 5:30 (the bakery doesn't open until 8:00). You may have heard about cronuts and their ridiculous popularity in New York. There are knockoffs sold at other bakeries, but I wanted the real deal. My friend Aja was already in line by the time I got there; in a strange coincidence, the guy next to us in line was a BYU student, in town for a job interview. We quickly made friends with the others around us in line (we were numbers 8 and 9, only 100 or so people get a cronut each morning before they sell out), and the time passed relatively quickly. Finally, the bakery opened, and we bought our treasures.

See, treasure! It even comes in a little gold carrying case. Many have asked if that is butter on top, but it was a banana chip. There's a different flavor every month; October's is caramel apple creme fraiche. I also got the "Perfect Little Egg Sandwich" you see in the background, though it's not actually that little. The brioche bun was delectable.

I was trying to capture the interior layers in this shot, but the picture in the link above does a much better job of that. The name implies that it's a combination croissant-donut, but to me it actually tasted like a reall fancy and delicious and cream-filled churro. I took the second cronut back to share with David and Marlene, and we warmed it up a bit first, even though the bakery advises against that due to the filling. But I think it improved it. In reality, no single food item is worth waiting in line three hours for, but it was very good, I had a lot of fun with Aja and our new acquaintances, and I'm glad I did it.

Later that day, we celebrated Marlene's birthday (a few days early) with a trip to Shake Shack, followed by dessert at Doughnut Plant. I was full of burgers and shakes, so I only got one--a coconut cream. There was a little too much cream for my taste, but the surrounding donut was one of the best I've ever had.

So there you have it. My NYC Donut Tour was over less than 24 hours after it began, but what a tour it was! I can't wait for my next trip--I hear I need to expand the tour to include The Donut Pub.

I don't expect to eat any donuts this weekend, but I do plan on attending Gospel Doctrine class. As noted in last week's post, we'll again be discussing family history work. When you think about it, the gospel is just like your traditional glazed donut--one eternal round. And what could be a better symbol of linking generations together into one great chain through temple and family history work, than the cruller? As the old hymn says, "sweet is the work!"

Reruns

I'm running a clip show for this week's BASOTRUSSL post. A few reasons for this:

1) I'm headed out of town tonight and won't be back until Sunday night; in the interim I won't be on the Internet much.

2) The topic of this week's Gospel Doctrine lesson is almost identical to next week's, so this will save me from having to come up with a second blog idea for this particular subject.

3) Halloween is nearly upon us, and these lessons deal with spirits, the dead rising, and other "supernatural" phenomena, so it's a good fit calendar-wise.

4) I'm very enamored of my own writing, so I like to revisit my old work from time to time and give new readers a chance to see it.

So instead of a new BASOTRUSSL, check out these old ones...

In a post from 2011 (which was actually a repurposing of a 2010 email, making this a copy of a copy, hopefully not with Multiplicity-like effects), I recalled Halloween '99 (copy of a copy of a copy?), when I gave a sacrament meeting talk on the holiday, comparing it to the Atonement.

Then last year, I made some even bigger stretches to relate Halloween to Christ's post-resurrection visit to the Americas. Check it out.

All righty then...back with new content next week. Hope your costumes are all coming along--only two weeks left until the big day!

Replenish and refill

Before I get to this week's BASOTRUSSL (Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson), a few notes about the last one (which was posted two weeks ago; there was no post last week due to General Conference--more on that in a minute).

In the section on George Albert Smith, I referred to the "You are late"/"But I am clean" story. My friend Petey pointed out that this is actually a Joseph F. Smith story; I was likely thinking of the "What have you done with my name?" story. The Joseph F. dream is better than the George Albert dream, though either way I don't think it would have impacted the rankings. But it's an embarrassing mistake. More on George Albert Smith later on as well.

In that post I also alluded to a negative experience I had with Joseph Fielding McConkie. I just found out that he passed away earlier this week, and now I feel guilty. Not like what I wrote contributed to his death or anything even close to that, but guilty of being negative. I didn't give any details and wasn't overly critical, but this was a situation where following the mantra "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" would have been better.Once again, more on this topic coming up later in the post.

Ok. On to this week's stuff.

In years like this one where we cover the Doctrine and Covenants in Gospel Doctrine, the curriculum also includes a small booklet called Our Heritage. Published in 1996, it's a brief overview of LDS history from the birth of Joseph Smith in 1805, through 1995. The book is just 146 pages; the first 65 cover the life of Joseph Smith and associated events, and another 26 are devoted to Brigham Young's term as church president (ending with his death in 1877). That leaves just 55 pages for the next 120-ish years of church history. Needless to say, no single topic or person from that time period is covered in extensive detail.

A portion of this quick historical summary is included with the assigned reading for this week's Sunday School lesson. Mentioned almost in passing is this about the aforementioned George Albert Smith, who had a long history of health problems: "The doctor's order of complete rest eroded his self-confidence, created feelings of worthlessness, and aggravated his tension" (p. 111).

I've likely read that sentence at least four times (once each in 2001, 2005, 2009, and 2013, as this lesson came up each time in the four-year cycle), but paid it little attention other than to think "George Albert Smith was sick a lot. That must have been hard."

The point was driven home much more forcefully in Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk at General Conference last week. In the first Conference talk (to my knowledge) to ever explicitly address and focus on mental illness, Elder Holland mentioned that "George Albert Smith...one of the most gentle and Christlike men of our dispensation...battled recurring depression for some years before later becoming the universally beloved eighth prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

I have fortunately never had to deal with depression of this sort, but I know people who are doing so or have in the past. I recommend the study of this sermon to everyone (and all of the other Conference talks; the text and video are already online. but read Elder Holland's first). It can provide encouragement to those who are struggling with this trial, showing through the example of George Albert Smith and others that it is possible to overcome and to thrive, and promising the blessings of the Lord to sustain you while you endure.

It also gives wise counsel for those of us who don't. Basically, it boils down to: Be kind. Don't judge. Listen. Offer help. Pray for them. Overall, just...be nice! It's what I should've done when writing that previous post. If you had to distill a take-home message from Elder Holland's talk down to just one sentence, you couldn't do better than these sage time-traveling poets:

Hoffmann of the Month: October

If you attended Fashion Week last month in New York City (what are you talking about, of course you did) and noticed a "gang of rainbow warriors" parading down the runway, that was the creation of Mara Hoffmann--October's "Hoffmann of the Month!"

Fashion designer Hoffman made the rainbow warrior reference in a backstage interview, where the diversity of her models was also noted. "The Sudanese girls are my muses," she said. "They rule my world." But apparently they don't rule the media's world, as the thumbnail above and the picture accompanying the article where I found these quotes feature blond, white women. Oh well.

I know practically nothing about fashion and even less about runway modeling, which I view as fake fashion (though Hoffman's designs admittedly seem much more like something people would actually wear in real life than most of what I've seen on TV), but apparently Hoffman was one of the (literal) bright spots of Fashion Week. Another writer described her collection as "a pick-me-up if ever there was one," "Technicolor tribal hippie chic on acid," and "a kaleidoscope of fun from a veritable patchouli Pucci." Well then.

The kaleidoscopic effect is certainly evident on Ms. Hoffman's official website. I'm not really in her target demographic, but if any of you buy any of her pieces and want to parade them in front of me, I'll applaud and take pictures.

Congratulations to Mara Hoffman, one of the most colorful Hoffmanns of the Month to date!

Latter-day prophet power rankings

Last week we had the annual Primary Program in sacrament meeting. It's one of my favorite days of the year; the kids alternate between enlightening you with their innocent and pure faith, or cracking you up with their zany personalities and off-key singing. Often they do all of that at once.

At one point they sang the "Latter-day Prophets" song. If you check out the copyright information, you'll see that this song was written in 1980, when Spencer W. Kimball was president of the LDS Church. I learned it as a child after it's first revision, when Ezra Taft Benson had succeeded President Kimball. As each aged prophet passed away and was replaced by a new one, the end of the song became more and more jumbled. This was the first time I heard the song since Thomas S. Monson replaced Gordon B. Hinckley in 2008, and unsurprisingly, the end of the song is a mess. The names are way too cramped. Someone needs to write a new song.

One interesting addition (I don't know if this is a Church-wide thing, or something created by my ward) is that each prophet has an accompanying sign. Some make sense, like miming rain falling for Lorenzo Snow or pointing to your watch for John Taylor. Some show a distinct lack of effort, like making an O for David O. McKay or shaking your own hand for George Albert Smith (because he was friendly, unlike all those other unfriendly prophets). And others are just plain weird, like milking an invisible cow for President Kimball.

With this on my mind, and with "living prophets" being the topic for this week's Gospel Doctrine class, and with General Conference just a week away, it's obviously time for the first-ever "Latter-day Prophet Power Rankings!" About three months ago I released my list of apostolic power rankings, and it was arguably my most influential post of all time--most comments I've ever received on a single post, faster to 200 views than any post, etc.

That post was built around the new, official Facebook pages for each member of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. No such things exist (yet!) for the former prophets pictured above, though there are a bunch of unofficial pages with varying popularity--modest totals such as 198 "Likes" on one Wilford Woodruff page, to more popular pages (there's one with nearly 15 thousand for Ezra Taft Benson). Still, like the last post, I will give my projected order of most- to least-Liked theoretical pages, followed by the order I would Like them in. (Please keep in mind, I do love all of these men and testify they are true prophets of God. This is just for fun.)

PROJECTED ORDER

1. Gordon B. Hinckley: His own long tenure combined with serving as the First Counselor to two prophets with significant health problems made him the public face of the Church for about 25 years--a period of tremendous growth and media exposure (largely positive, too). As a result, before his death he was the only prophet known to a huge chunk of Church membership. There's no way he's not #1. Except...
2. Thomas S. Monson: ...I can definitely see President Monson taking the top imaginary spot within the next few years. He's been prominent nearly as long as Pres. Hinckley, and his "folksy" ways are certainly endearing.
3. Joseph Smith: "Brother Joseph" is the only non-living prophet that we consistently sing about, teach about, cite in our sermons and testimonies...I guess it's possible he could be the most Liked, but I still think it would be Pres. Hinckley.
4. Brigham Young: If there was an "Unlike" option Brigham would likely be the highest in that metric, thanks to University of Utah fans.
5. David O. McKay: He was the Gordon Hinckley of my parents' generation--he was an Apostle forever, then served as Prophet for a very long time, presiding over a period of exceptional growth, due in part to his "every member a missionary mantra. Like Hinckley, he was the only prophet known to half the Church at the time of his death.
6. Spencer W. Kimball: Health problems, The Miracle of Forgiveness, the Yoda connection...lots of talking points to help people remember him.
7. Ezra Taft Benson: Among ultra-conservative "Marmons" (as President Benson would say it), he's probably admired at least as much for his role in and views on government as he is for his ministry.
8. Heber J. Grant: The man who taught himself to excel at penmanship baseball, and singing; who turned the Word of Wisdom from a suggestion to a commandment; and who reined in the long bushiness of church leaders' beards.
9. Lorenzo Snow: Gets a bump from being the focus of this year's Priesthood/Relief Society manual. He may have slotted in a little lower last year.
10: Howard W. Hunter: He had the shortest tenure of any Church president, but since that tenure was relatively recent he'd get more Likes than some others.
11. Joseph F. Smith: The song says "remember the F," and I think that does actually help people remember him a little better than some of his predecessors.
12. John Taylor: His presence at Joseph Smith's martyrdom makes him slightly more prominent than President Woodruff.
13. Wilford Woodruff: If they ever remake Mountain of the Lord, he'll shoot way up the list.
14. Harold B. Lee: These bottom three are fairly nondescript, at least to my generation. They all had short or shortish tenures, before we were born, that featured few if any significant changes or milestones. President Lee rises above the others based on the name recognition the campus library has given him among BYU alumni.
15. George Albert Smith: Fun fact--if a Church authority goes by their full middle name, that means there was an earlier Apostle of the same name. Inspired nepotism is a hallmark of the true church going back to Adam.
16. Joseph Fielding Smith: See? It's interesting that Hyrum Smith had a grandson who died in 1972, but that fact won't earn the last President Smith a ton of Likes on its own.

MY ORDER

1. Gordon B. Hinckley: As noted above, Pres. Hinckley was "my" prophet. He was always there, always so likable and funny--though not as funny as the laughs he got would indicate. Depending on how egregious the unwarranted laughter is at this General Conference, I may end up writing a whole post on this topic.
2. Joseph Smith: Just so much to admire.
3. Thomas S. Monson: Again, he's in a good position to move even higher over the next few years.
4. Spencer W. Kimball: Okay, Pres. Kimball was the first I would've described as "my" prophet. When I was very young, the chorister in my ward was an elderly gentleman. One Sunday we were both retrieving our coats at the same time after the meeting, and I said "See you later, President Kimball!" Because OF COURSE the entire LDS Church attended the same ward. A worldwide membership was beyond my 4-year-old comprehension. As was a quote comparing kisses to pretzels, but now that has certainly helped him garner a high ranking on my list.
5. Ezra Taft Benson: Love the landmark talks on pride and on the Book of Mormon, and as noted I REALLY love the way he talked, which lives on today in Elder L. Tom Perry.
6. Brigham Young: His namesake university is #1, but the man himself doesn't quite place that high.
7. Wilford Woodruff: The biggest variation between the two lists. I do love Mountain of the Lord, and appreciate his role in the end of institutional polygamy.
8. David O. McKay: Pro: he dressed a little like Col. Sanders without the beard and glasses. Dig the white suit. Cons: The "what e'er thou art, act well thy part" story used to belong to my mission, to Scotland. Now it's been co-opted by the whole church, and that bothers me. I'm like a fan of an "indie" band that made it big.
9. Heber J. Grant: Gains bonus points from appearing in J. Golden Kimball stories.
10. Joseph F. Smith: Wow, there's a high concentration of Smiths at the bottom of my rankings (though again, keep in mind that I really like all of these men).
11. John Taylor: In the song, John Taylor came third. (We know!) But not on these lists.
12. George Albert Smith: My affinity for saying "but I am clean" when someone comments on someone else's lateness gives George Albert Smith a bump on my list compared to the overall list, but only a slight bump.
13. Lorenzo Snow: Speaking of the Lorenzo Snow manual...in the next lesson there's a quote from him that goes "Do not joke too much...the Spirit tends to freedom and jollity, but don't be too jollified." I don't think President Snow would enjoy this post, but I sure do enjoy the word "jollified."
14. Howard W. Hunter: I actually liked looking up cases in the Hunter Law Library at BYU for my Comms Law class...
15. Harold B. Lee: ...but I avoided the Lee Library as much as I possibly could.
16: Joseph Fielding Smith: Once, while working on a project for BYU Broadcasting, Joseph Fielding McConkie rubbed me the wrong way. But I promise that did not affect the placement of his grandfather and namesake. I just have had very little interaction with the life and teachings of the tenth president of the Church.

It seems inevitable that I will do one of these for Old Testament and Book of Mormon prophets in the future, so watch out for those! And let me know in the comments how you'd adjust my rankings.