Read the Book of Mormon

Starting this Sunday, Gospel Doctrine classes will be studying the Book of Mormon, and will do so throughout 2012. Exciting, isn't it? Most likely, you have not received a study guide yet, so you'll have to be proactive--here's the link to what will be covered in Sunday School on New Year's Day.

I don't have any jokes or weird tangents to go along with this lesson, but don't worry, I plan on sticking to my normal format going forward in my weekly Sunday School posts. I'm also working on a new serialized feature inspired by the Book of Mormon that I've been planning in my head for almost two years, that I hope to finally debut sometime in January.

But I'll take this chance to say that, no matter how lighthearted of an approach I may take on my blog, I sincerely believe in the scriptures and love to read them, especially the Book of Mormon. I agree with the testimony given by President Gordon B. Hinckley when, in August 2005, he challenged all members of the LDS Church to read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of that year:

Without reservation I promise you...regardless of how many times you may have previously read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God.

 At General Conference a few months later, Elder Henry B. Eyring gave some great counsel to those trying to complete the challenge that is very applicable to us as we begin studying the Book of Mormon again. After repeating the above quote from Pres. Hinckley, he said:

That is the very promise of increased faith we need to be spiritually prepared. But if we delayed the start of our obedience to that inspired invitation, the number of pages we had to read each day grew larger. If we then missed reading for even a few days, the chance of failure grew. That's why I chose to read ahead of my daily plan to be sure I will qualify for the promised blessings of the spirit of resolution and testimony of Jesus Christ. When December ends, I will have learned about starting at the moment a command from God comes and being steady in obedience.

More than that, as I read in the Book of Mormon, I will pray that the Holy Ghost will help me know what God would have me do. There is a promise of that plea being answered in the book itself: "Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.^"

I will act quickly on what the Holy Ghost tells me I should do as I read and ponder the Book of Mormon. When I complete the project in December, I will have had many experiences of stretching my faith to be obedient. And so my faith will be strengthened. And I will know from my own experience what comes from going to the scriptures early and consistently to know what God wants me to do and then doing it. If we do that, we will be better prepared for the greater storms when they come.

We will then have a choice of what to do after January 1. We can choose to sigh with relief and say to ourselves: "I have built a great reservoir of faith by starting early and being steady in obedience. I will store it away against the times when I will be tested in storms." There is a better way to prepare, because great faith has a short shelf life. We could decide to persist in studying the words of Christ in the scriptures and the teachings of living prophets. This is what I will do. I will go back to the Book of Mormon and drink deeply and often. And then I will be grateful for what the prophet's challenge and promise did to teach me how to gain greater faith and maintain it.

 If you've read the Book of Mormon before, I hope you will make it a point to read and study it again this year. If you've never read it, now is a great time to start. It's really easy to get a copy. If you have any questions, please ask.

Secret Admirer 2: Secret Santa

[To briefly recap, back in the fall of 2003 I started getting flirtatious emails from someone who identified herself as "Maybelline Buttacup," or May B. for short. When it became clear she wasn't going to reveal her true identity, I largely lost interest, but as Christmas approached I decided to take one last crack at figuring out who May really was (see my last post for more detailed background information).

On Christmas Eve, I emailed the following adaptation of Clement Moore's classic "A Visit From St. Nicholas." Enjoy!]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and here in Provo
There's a guy named Jeff Hofmann who wanted to know
The identity of his cyber friend May.
He hoped that she'd tell without any delay.
"I'm the lint in your belly button," she said,
And other strange things that just messed with his head.
May's gift for poetry made Jeff want to clap--
It's not surprising he fell into her trap.
He tried to get down to the heart of the matter
But she strung him along--nearly made his heart shatter.

Each day to his inbox he flew like a flash
But the emails and his curiosity clashed.
Though using a pseudonym is May's MO,
Just who is she really? Jeff just had to know.
His life would be filled with extra Christmas cheer
If she would just make her true identity clear.
Jeff thought of May constantly; it made his heart sick.
He had to, just had to, hook up with this chick.
He had to know more about her than her name.
Sure the emails were nice, but it's just not the same.

How he'd love to speak face to face with this vixen
Or to have their lips to each other affixin'.
He just wanted some contact whether big or small;
That's not really too much to ask, after all.

Is May being sincere, or is it all a lie?
Does she really have true feelings for this guy?
For deep down inside Jeff was certain she knew
It takes more than emails to successfully woo.
Jeff tried to find out who she was--like a sleuth--
But despite his best efforts May stayed aloof.
She'd drawn in his heart but for true love to be found
She'd have to stop teasing him, stop fooling around.

Into her messages much effort had been put
But without something more the whole point would be moot
Jeff got on his PC, and he tried to hack
But May's online alias was too hard to crack.
Her eyes--do they twinkle? Are her dimples merry?
Are her cheeks like roses, her nose like a cherry?
It made Jeff upset that he just didn't know.
It made him confused and made his frustration grow.

If things didn't change then his feelings he'd sheath
Like his junior high crush on actress Yasmine Bleeth.
"But if," Jeff thought, "if May decided to tell me
Or visit me how my legs would turn to jelly."
Jeff could put all the emails away on the shelf
If he could be with the writer--May B. herself!
All of the notes have been repeatedly read
And now Jeff just wants to be with May instead.

As I start this last stanza my face wears a smirk
'Cause I'm confident that this last poem will work.
I know you like me; in your emails it shows
But now I want more than poetry and prose.
I've told you my feelings; now I hope that this'll
Get you to stand with me 'neath toe made of mistle.*
Now it's up to you; make the next move and we might
Have a future that could be both merry and bright!

* I'm normally not one for hyperbole, but that's probably the greatest couplet in the history of poetry.

[A pretty clever ultimatum, eh? After the first four lines, all of the end rhymes match the original (well, there's two that are a little slanty) and I was able to use some of Mr. Moore's imagery and adhere very closely to his cadence. It's, in my opinion, one of the more impressive pieces I've ever written--which is saying something, because I think pretty much everything I write is great.

Apparently May didn't agree, though...I never heard from her again. As I said in my last post, I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but it won't bother me if she never comes clean.

Merry Christmas everyone!]

Secret Admirer

[My blog is quickly becoming an anthology for older stuff I wrote. But the alternative would be to actually have new experiences to write about, and it seems unlikely that I'll do enough of that to be able to post with any consistency. Plus, I always find some way to relate it to something current.

I once wrote an epic Christmas poem that I want the world to read (it might even be better than the magi rap I posted a few weeks ago), but first I need to give some background. At the beginning of my senior year of college, I received a mysterious email from someone named "Maybelline Buttacup." Below is the text of that email, received on September 2, 2003 (wow, I'm getting old); all spelling and punctuation from the original message.]

Subject line: Hey Jeff! How's the 1st day of school?

Dearest Jeffy,

How's it goin? Man, I'm so glad I've seen you around...that hairstyle looks awesome! On campus you are the one with the backpack, right? Juuuuuust kidding.
You are the lint in my belly button. You are always with me.
You are the nut in my honey nut breakfast cereal--better known as Cheerios for the name-brand type.
You are the odor in my deodorant. You're fresh baby. So fresh I'm going to raise my hand cause I'm sure--sure you're the one.
You are the double helix in my DNA.
You are the days in my week, actually, seven days without you makes one weak!
If I were mother nature then there would be only one season yearlong--I'd fall for you.
Fall semester has me busy falling for you.
If you owned an orchard, I'd love to be an apple on your tree cause then I could fall for you. Better yet, maybe I'd be the apple in your ever-so-sparkling eyes. Hmm...reminds me of sparkling apple cider, YUM!
Maybe we will reminisce over a glass someday.
Please let me know if you feel the same way dream lover, so I don't have to dream alone.

Fondest regards,

May B.

[Pretty weird and pretty corny and pretty flattering, all at the same time. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who would send me something like this, either seriously or as a prank. My best guess initially was my older sister Lori (mainly because she was the only one who called me Jeffy), and I wrote back the next day suggesting as much (I didn't save my replies). This was the email I got back on September 5.]

Subject line: Lord help the sister who comes between me and my mister

Dearest Jeffy,

Being accused of being your sister is like Marge being accused of being Homer's sister. Seriously, how could Bart be so handsome (as are you) if they were brother and sister? But aren't we all brothers and sisters? But have no fear, I'm not in Murray...anymore.
My heart skips a beat every time I sit here and think of you typing away that reply. It just can't be good for the ol' pace maker.
You wonder who I am:
I am the aloe on your third degree sunburn
I am the Matie in your marshmallow (I'd like to be your Matie.) And you are my Lucky Charm (on a less generic note).
I am the active ingredient in your dandruff shampoo. After some time with me you'll always end up feeling fresh and flake free.
If our love was like the internet, we wouldn't be dial up--we'd be a high speed connection!
You are the static guard on my pantyhose
The double stuff in my Oreo
You are the mysterious fishy odor in my tuna. Like tuna without that smell, life just wouldn't be the same without you.
I can't wait until you respond again. I feel like I am dumping my feelings like a laxative overdose and you're just sitting there with all your feelings waiting for a good drink of prune juice.

Butterfly kisses,

May B.

[That one got decidedly less romantic towards the end. These are the only two of Maybelline's emails I still have copies of, but we went back and forth a few more times--me trying to find out who the real author was, she playing coy and never revealing any truthful information--until I got a little tired of the game, and by the end of September I stopped writing back.

If memory serves me correctly (and it usually does), she wrote me once more in October or November wondering what had happened, and I wrote back saying I wasn't interested in corresponding with someone who wouldn't tell me who they really were. May never sent me another email.

Then, as Christmas approached, I decided to give her one last chance, and I crafted a masterpiece that I figured would impress her enough to get her to end the charade. But this is already long enough--I'll save my Christmas poem for my next post. Stay tuned!]

[P.S. By the end of 2003 I had a pretty good idea who was behind the emails, and at this point I'm about 97% sure that I know Ms. Buttacup's true identity. But I'll let her decide if she ever wants to fess up.]

We Three Kings

[As I mentioned last week, my ward has already completed the 2011 Sunday School curriculum. This Sunday, the last one before Christmas, we'll be having a lesson on--you guessed it--the nativity dating and relationships. (I'm no longer in a singles ward, but there's a separate Sunday School class for singles in my current ward.) There was a lesson on the first Christmas this year, but it was way back in January. Here's the email I sent to my YSA ward all those months ago to help them prepare.]

Last Sunday Bishop Burton said that Christmas should never end. Well, Sunday School is doing its part--the Gospel Doctrine lesson this week is on the birth of Christ!

Speaking of birthdays...last Saturday would've been Elvis Presley's 76th. If you were to use the king of rock and roll's song titles to tell the story of the birth of the King of Kings, it might go something like this:

When Mary and Joseph reached Bethlehem, it was "Heartbreak Hotel"--no room at the inn. Mary had to give birth "In the Ghetto," or its Judaen equivalent, a stable. Meanwhile, an angel gave the good news to some
shepherds, which left them "All Shook Up," since they were used to "A Little Less Conversation" from the heavens. They came to worship the newborn babe, and Mary kept all these things "Always On (Her)
Mind" (see Luke 2:19). Wise men came from afar as well, and after seeing the Lord were told in a dream not to "Return to Sender"--Herod the king. He and others had "Suspicious Minds" and wished to kill Jesus. The wise men "Follow(ed) That Dream," and Herod was prevented from turning this joyous occasion into a "Blue Christmas." Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, others who waited for Christ's birth were also in danger, and were saved by that "One Night" that stayed light even after the sun went down. When that happened, people all over the Americas were compelled to say "I Just Can't Help Believing." Jesus had come, and his "Burning Love" would save us all and make the spiritual "Jailhouse Rock."

Saturday was also the birthday of another king: David Bowie, the Goblin King from Labyrinth. He sings my all-time favorite Christmas pop song.
 
Such synergy!

If you want to read a more accurate and important account of the birth of the Lord, please use these chapters and discussion points as your guide.

Merry Christmas everyone! See you Sunday.

You Better Watch Out

Last week my friend Heidi (who has a hilarious blog that I would link to, but it's private) came over and recruited me to play Santa for her aunt's ward Christmas party. I would've been excited to do it anyway, but then Heidi offered to bake me cookies if I would do it. It was appropriate, since that is the payment the real Santa receives for his work, plus I'm a sucker for cookies, which is why my bowlful of jelly needed no padding to fill out the costume. The picture above is me in the clerk's office at the church, which doubled as my dressing room. (If any kids are reading this: I'm not the real Santa. Just one of his helpers. But Santa Claus is real, so don't stop believin', no matter what some Grinchy adults might say.) The suit had obviously been around for many, many years; I was already planning on blaming the inversion my sleigh had to descend through if any kids asked why my beard was yellow. It didn't come up, though, which allowed me to avoid thinking about how gross it was.

After a performance by some random acapella group, the kids were brought on stage to sing "Here Comes Santa Claus." A few lines in, my wardrobe assistant opened the doors at the rear of the gym where the party was being held, and I walked in, shaking some jingle bells, waving, and yelling "ho, ho, ho." It was kind of weird, because I didn't know if I was supposed to wander around for a while or head straight for the kids, plus I couldn't see very well because I was wearing Kris Kringle glasses instead of my own, and the wig really reduced my peripheral vision.

I eventually made it to the stage. I'm not sure why, but pretty much everyone at this party was dressed up. There was nothing particularly fancy about it (though it was very nice), but it probably helped prevent the kiddos from getting too rambunctious.

All of a sudden, it was happening. This was the first girl in line. I really had no idea what to expect. Would they actually want to sit on my lap? Even the older kids? Would they be excited, or act all too cool for school? Would there be any troublemakers trying to yank my beard off? But everything went very smoothly. The kids were unfailingly polite, and they all interacted with me as if they thought I was the genuine article. Whether they were just humoring me and their parents or actually believed, it doesn't really matter; everyone had a good time.

As each child sat down, I went through the same basic spiel: What's your name? How old are you? Have you been good this year? What do you want for Christmas? This was the part that worried me most: how would I respond to their requests? Even in nonrecession times, it's not wise for Santa stand-ins to promise specific gifts; I tried to avoid that, as well as to avoid saying "I don't think you've been THAT good this year." I found a good middle ground for most of the kids with some variation of "well, you've still got two more weeks where you have to be good, and I'll see what I can do."

After this exchange, I'd try to ask one other question, mainly for my own entertainment--things like, "where should I go on my post-Christmas vacation?" or "I'm thinking of getting a new reindeer--what should I name it?" (One precocious 8-year-old answered Olive, as in Olive the other reindeer.)

There were two little boys that were my favorite. One hopped on my lap, and when asked for his name, said "I told you this afternoon when I saw you at daycare--don't you remember?" I eventually got Christopher to play along by reminding him that Santa has to check his list twice due to his forgetfulness, and he told me he wanted a Thor sword. A few minutes later he ran back up and interrupted another child to tell me he actually wanted a different Thor weapon.

And this kid was my other favorite. I had already spoken to his older brothers, then they brought this little guy (one year old!) up to take his turn. I wish I had a picture taken from over my shoulder--this one doesn't come close to doing justice to how wide-eyed he was. He gaped at me, open-mouthed, too mesmerized to cry. And he was so adorable in his little sweater.

Basically, I'm a huge fan of Santa, and of kids, and of Christmas. I hope I get to do this again sometime. I'll keep practicing my cookie eating, just to be on the safe side

The Meaning of Christmas

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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[I have Stake Conference this week, so you're on your own to prepare for Sunday School. Last night's Daily Show had a hilarious segment (part 1 above, part 2 below) that reminded me of one of my favorite things I've ever written. After the video is the text of a post originally published on December 21, 2009. I'm definitely a Christian--hence the links to Christ-centered study materials every week (except this week; again, I've got nothing for ya this time)--but I am not offended in the least if I don't get a Christmas greeting while shopping, or if some people or institutions make efforts to help non-Christians feel included (whatever their motivations for those efforts might be). Feel free to let me know what you think.]

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Tree Fighting Ceremony - War on Christmas
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Let me tell you about a dream I recently had.

I don't remember my dreams very often. When I do remember something, it's usually just the gist of it, then when I'm in that pleasant state between being asleep and awake, I semi-consciously enhance and embellish the narrative. So this dream is probably not completely authentic, but it's not totally made up either. It certainly is an accurate representation of my feelings towards certain letters to the editor and commentaries from TV pundits that you see this time of year. Anyway...

In my dream I was working in retail (so I guess it was actually a nightmare). It was probably ShopKo, since I was wearing a red shirt, I worked there when I was in high school, and I only had one customer in my line even though I was the only cashier working. (Seriously, I don't know how the chain as a whole is faring, but I will be shocked if the store by our house isn't closed within two years. It's a ghost town in there.)

Technically, I had two customers, a husband and wife who appeared to be in their late 40s or early 50s. They paid for their stuff, I gave them their change, and wished them "happy holidays." The man then said, "Oh, so you're one of those people who is afraid to say 'Merry Christmas,' huh?" It must have been the end of a long shift, or my shoes were a few sizes too small like the Grinch's, or maybe I'm just a jerk, but I went off on an epic rant. The following retelling probably isn't verbatim, but it's close:

"You're offended that I said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas? Seriously? Why would you care which generic salutation you receive from someone you don't even know? Besides, what is bad about saying happy holidays? Christmas is a holiday, right? When I say happy holidays, doesn't it imply that I wish you a merry Christmas, plus a bonus wish for a happy New Year? Does that mean you'd be even more offended if I said something with no celebratory implications at all, like 'Have a good night' or 'Thanks for shopping with us'? That's what I usually say to people. Just because I chose to say one thing, it doesn't preclude me from meaning something else that I didn't say. And, to be honest, I DON'T really mean it when I say these things. I don't want you to have a bad Christmas, but whether it's merry or not really has no impact on me. So you would rather have me insincerely wish you a merry Christmas, in a sense taking the Lord's name in vain? You want me to break one of the Ten Commandments, just to make you feel good?! Well, fine! HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!"

Happy holidays, everyone!

Shooting the Breeze

Utah was hit by a huge wind storm virtually statewide yesterday, but luckily it wasn't bad where I live. My power didn't even go out, which is impressive considering how often we lose electricity in my apartment complex.

Since I'm not busy today patching holes in my roof or clearing downed trees out of my yard like many of my fellow Beehive State-ers, I'm able to maintain positive feelings towards mighty winds in general, and one Mighty Wind in particular:



I've never officially chosen a favorite movie, but there's strong circumstantial evidence that A Mighty Wind might hold the top spot: it was the first movie I ever purchased on DVD, and it remains the only movie I've ever seen more than once in the theater (I haven't seen a movie in-theater in 2011, and in a more typical year I only see 4 or 5, so that's an impressive feat). Plus, it's so. Dang. Funny.

If you've never seen it, please, please borrow my DVD. I'm always looking to spread the word and share the joy of this movie. I'm a huge fan of mockumentaries in general. I don't think I've ever seen one I didn't like (I keep that streak intact in part by avoiding Sons of Provo). All of Christopher Guest's are great (Mighty Wind, Best In Show, Spinal Tap, etc.), but there are other good ones too, especially this one:



The fake-documentary format has also translated well to television--The Office is still watchable and was a fantastic show in its prime, and Parks and Recreation is my favorite show on TV today and probably in my top 5 of all time. But you really, really have to suspend some disbelief: why in the world would a camera crew chronicle the lives of a bunch of paper salesmen for six-plus years? They wouldn't. There's no way. At least with the movies there's always an end point, some payoff event that's being built to (like a reunion concert or a "scholarship pageant").

Hopefully the Office creators are planning to end the series (whenever that happens) by having all the characters get together to watch the completed Dunder-Mifflin documentary. It would be logical, follow in the proud "clip-show" tradition, provide an excuse for Michael and everyone else to come back, and, if done right, be highly satisfying.

While my love for mockumentaries is genuine, there's another reason for my "revelation" about my fondness for A Mighty Wind--the phrase appears in Revelation 6:13, part of this week's Sunday School reading block! It's the last lesson in the manual, so study up. For the rest of the year, I may take a break from running peripherally-related-to-Sunday-School posts, or I may dust off some "classic" ones I wrote for my old ward before I started this blog, I haven't decided. Guess we'll have to wait to see which way the wind blows.

Hoffmann of the Month: December

The "Hoffmann of the Month" for December is singer/actress/comedian Jackie Hoffman!

Jackie, who turned 51 earlier this week, is quite prolific. She's performed on Broadway in Hairspray, Xanadu and, most recently, Addams Family. Hoffman's eclectic resume also includes appearances in everything from  Garden State to 30 Rock to Grand Theft Auto to Dora the Explorer (voice-over work for those last two).

So she's obviously quite talented (the above video is friggin' hilarious), but the real reason Jackie won the award this month is this--if you read her bio in the above link, you'll see she's a past recipient of a Jeff Award! Anyone who's been honored by my first name, and also qualifies to be honored by my last...well, that's a no-brainer. At this point I don't know of any prizes based on my middle name, probably because "Edward Award" looks awkward and redundant in print.

Take a bow, Jackie! You're the Hoffmann of the Month!

The gospel according to puke

This week's Sunday School reading includes one of my favorite funny verses, Rev. 3:16: "So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth."

To me, this proves that the word "spue" (or spew) is never not funny, regardless of context. I'm guessing this feeling is universal, though there's a slight chance I'm just immature.

There's a guy on my team at work whose last name is "Barfuss," so he's heard hundreds of vomit euphemisms over the course of his life. From time to time our team will share our favorites as we collaborate on projects on Google Wave (which, sadly, is going away early next year--I blame the 99.9999% of you Gmail account holders who never used Wave), including earlier this week, when some all-time greats like "technicolor yawn" and "liquid laughter" came up (so to speak) in the conversation.

While puke jokes are almost universally funny, there's one vomit-related phrase I really don't like. Here's an excerpt from a blog post I wrote three years ago this month:

...the purpose of this post is to express my displeasure with the oft-used phrase (and its variants) "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

Apparently it's been annoying people for quite some time. But these people seem to despise the pretentiousness of the saying. It bothers me for a different reason: why say it that way, when that is the only place you can throw up? Yes, sometimes the throw up escapes the mouth and sometimes it doesn't (is there a magma/lava equivalent for puke, or is it always the same?), but the mouth is always involved. If someone ever vomits out of, say, their armpit, then I want the description to include the body part. Otherwise, it's not necessary.

One of the comments on that post included what is probably my favorite barf replacement term: "mouth squirts." Admit it, you just laughed a little in your mouth.

Anyone else have a euphemism to add to the list? Just spew it out.

"Rapping" Christmas Presents

[It's the most wonderful time of the year...the time when people argue about whether it's ok to be playing Christmas music yet.

Some think that Thanksgiving gets overshadowed when we start in too early with the Christmas tunes. To them I say: come up with some good Thanksgiving songs and we'll play them too. There are actually a number of good ones already out there that just haven't been coopted by the Turkey Day supporters yet. Get on it!

As a potential compromise, I'll help everyone avoid the stale Bing Crosby and Mariah Carey numbers by presenting my brand new, soon-to-be-classic Christmas song. Last year my friends Sara and Andrew bought a "personalized song parody" from me at a service auction. Sara deferred to Andrew for the details, and he told me he wanted a Christmas parody of 50 Cent's "In Da Club." I started on it, but set it aside once Christmas passed, then finally got back to work on it in late September so it could be finished for Andrew's birthday.

And now I'm sharing it with the world! It's a little tricky in parts, but here's the original if you want to try singing along. It's the story of the Nativity, told from the perspective of the wise men (with a few annotations). Without further ado, the lyrics to the new favorite carol of Thanksgiving and Christmas lovers alike...]

Go, go go, go, go, go, go Savior
It's your birthday
We're gonna party like
It's your birthday
Gonna see some smarties night of your birthday*
And you know we brought lots of gifts
'Cause it's your birthday

Chorus:
You can find him in the crib
Swaddled next to his
Mama, I get on my knees
You need to show him love
Give myrrh and frankincense to the baby that we love**
He's come from up above
He'll save each one of us

[Repeat chorus]

Camels pull up out front, see the star up above
You'd think the king of kings would get a little more pub
There ain't a lot of people that came to show him love
Just us magi and some shepherds, but I guess that's enough
The baby there in the manger
No crown, Jesus is just layin' there but there's a king here in this hut
Now Joseph and Mary had to make the journey to Bethlehem
But when they got there all they heard was there's no room at the inn
If he could, innkeeper would give them a cot
But a stable out in back, well that's the best that he's got
Then holla, an angel declares good news at the sheepfold
The shepherds hustled off to see what they had been told
Meanwhile us wise men weren't trailing far behind
We were following the star but not sure what we'd find
We went to see Herod 'cause we needed to know
The right town in the region where we needed to go

[Repeat chorus twice]

"Follow that glow to Mary and Joe
Then come back," said Herod the king
"That kid, this star, your jewels, just who'll
He be when he grows up? This sure is strange"

He's full of it, but finally we made it
Here's the lad, his goodness just can't be overstated*
Someday Matthew and Mark will chronicle his life
(That book is good, it helps you stay on the track, right)
In our dreams we was told Herod doin' you wrong
He's tellin' lies, playin' tricks
Wants this child to be gone
He's a ruthless liar, man, don't you return
Leave now and get a head start before Herod has learned
That you've betrayed him 'cause he gets violent when he's riled up
Better get the child to Egypt, it's safer by the Nile, but
Yeah we'll always remember when he was swaddled with love
C'mon, we know who he be

[Repeat chorus twice]

*I know the wise men didn't come the night Jesus was born. It's also highly unlikely that he was born on December 25. Let's not get too technical here.
**Replacing "having sex" with "frankincense" is the line I'm most proud of.
***Yeah, yeah, I know. At the beginning of the song the wise men showed up at the manger, and now they're visiting the "lad." Again, let's not overanalyze.

But you say he's just a friend

[Thursday is "National Unfriend Day," a movement spearheaded by Jimmy Kimmel encouraging people to pare down their list of Facebook friends.

But it's not an original idea, as evidenced by this (rather humorous) post that I'm recycling, which was originally published on my old blog on January 14, 2009. Since Jimmy's quest isn't new, I don't have to come up with anything new to say about it, right?

As I post this, I have exactly 750 Facebook friends, a nice round number. I've never unfriended anyone, mainly because, as I describe below, I'm too lazy. As a result, there's at least one deceased person on my friends list. Oh well.

Oh, and this week's Sunday School lesson is all about love, but can easily be adapted to apply to this situation--as in, "we [friended] him, because he first [friended] us" (1 Jn. 4:19). If you want to take a more sophisticated approach to the curriculum, this will help you study.

Anyway, here's that old post, exactly as it appeared almost three years ago, except with some updated links.]

I went home for Christmas and had a great time with my family. Two solid weeks of food, folks and fun (the first of many fast food slogan references in this post). Only one downside: my parents still use dial-up. Seriously. I had built up some good blogging momentum in December, but that was all lost in the series of tubes I had to go through to reach the Interwebs while in Utah.

But I saw something today that I knew I wanted to write about. Isn't that a phenomenal idea? For hours, I debated internally what was more important to me: friends or burgers. Ultimately, I decided I could spare ten of my 488 sanctioned-by-Facebook friendships. Alas, I waited too long. For some reason, the 'book put the kibosh on the entire operation.

I'm disappointed. I had envisioned an entire series of posts on this, a friendship tournament to determine which of my pals brings more to the table than a sandwich with flame-broiled beef, pepper jack cheese, and "angry onions." Or maybe I would've gone for 48 free whoppers and only kept the most elite of my amigos.

Even though it's now strictly a theoretical exercise, I still wonder what approach I would've/should've taken in deciding which friends get the axe. Should I get rid of the ones I know least well, the ones that are more "friends of friends" than actual friends? Should I eliminate ten of the many who I added as friends but have had no contact with since? Or should I go with an opposite mindset, and figure out who my very best friends are, figure out who would sacrifice their spot on my list so that I can enjoy a free burger? What do y'all think?

(In all honesty, I'm glad I didn't have to choose which friends to dump. I know people who have pruned their Facebook friend tree, and that whole process just reeks of effort. It's not for me.)

However, I'm hoping Facebook can still help me get free meat. Here are some other potential promotions I've come up with:

• "If It Doesn't Get All Over the Place, It Doesn't Belong In Your Facebook"--free Carl's Jr. Six-Dollar Burgers to anyone who has a messy face in their profile picture
• free Big Macs for life to the guy who has the most female friends (get it?)
• "I'm Lovin' It"--a free sandwich for anyone who updates their status to say they are "in a relationship" with a McRib
• a free Wendy's Frosty for anyone who gets rid of all their friends
• an unlimited Sonic gift card for guys named Jeff (I love that place. And their commercials. But they need to bring back the pancake on a stick)

If you think of any more, leave them in the comments. I'm glad we're still friends.

My plea to the Internets

The Oscars have been in the news a lot this week. Producer Brett Ratner quit, and soon after Eddie Murphy dropped out as host. A few days later it was announced that Billy Crystal would host next year's ceremony.

This series of events disappointed me for a number of reasons. For starters, once the spot became open I made it known on Facebook that I was available and willing to host, and I didn't even get a call.

Second, Billy Crystal--seriously? He used to be funny, and he's been an entertaining Oscar host in the past, but he's reached the point where he's too old and not so funny, but he doesn't realize it because people humor him and laugh politely at his jokes because he's so old and nice (this also happens a lot at LDS General Conference).

Finally, I really wanted to see Eddie host. He's been somewhat of a recluse the last 20 years, so it's hard to know if he'd be good or not, but in his prime he was a much better comedian than Chris Rock--and I LOVED Rock's stint hosting the Oscars back in 2005.

In Rock's opening monologue, he made a number of jokes at the expense of Jude Law, prompting a response about two hours later in the broadcast by Sean Penn when Penn came out to present an award. (I actually like Jude Law; he's a typically charming Brit, and I thought he was good in Sherlock Holmes and The Holiday. But the jokes were still very funny.) Penn was utterly humorless, which made his speech completely hilarious. I would gladly link to or embed the video in this post, but I can't find it! The best moment in the 80+ years of the Oscars, and it's nowhere to be found on the Internet! At least by me.

But it's got to be out there somewhere...I'm convinced that everything has been uploaded to the Internet by this point. If anyone can find these clips, and get me the links, I'll love you forever.

The exchange between Rock and Penn also led to perhaps the most passive-aggressive move in world history. The following week, SNL did a "Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast" sketch playing off of Mr. Penn's lack of a funny bone. It was great. So great, that I invited some friends over specifically to watch that sketch off of my VHS tape.

There was a joke made during the sketch that I freely admit was inappropriate. At that exact moment, my roommate walked into the apartment. He paused for a few seconds, heard another off-color joke, then walked back to our bedroom without saying anything. On his way to the back, he picked up a picture of Jesus that stood on the top of our entertainment center and laid it face-down. It was amazing.

Anyway, I can't find that sketch anywhere online either, except on Hulu Plus. I'm hoping someone, anyone, can help me find these videos, so I can share them with others. Your other assignment: read up about a different Jude to get ready for tomorrow's Sunday School class. I'm sure the content of the lesson will allow any pictures of Christ to stay upright.

Barack the Vote

[I'm not a very political person. When I think about that stuff, I'm fairly moderate, maybe a little more liberal in my views on economic policy and a little more conservative on "social" issues, but mostly I'm just apathetic. This post is not intended as a statement in favor of or opposition to the President. It is intended to be entertaining; hopefully it doesn't fail completely in that regard.

This also seems like a good time to mention (they like us to do this on a regular basis) that while I work for JetBlue Airways, and even Tweet for them on their official account, my blog is my blog and does not represent the views of my employer.]

Can you believe it? One year from today is the next presidential election! It seems like the inauguration was only yesterday. Probably because the 2012 campaign has been going pretty much since the day after the inauguration. Also, because I think of the phrase "when yellow will be mellow" anytime I need a good giggle.


As a Mormon, it might seem logical that I would be a supporter of Mitt Romney or Jon Huntsman. But I actually have a lot more in common with President Obama. I may not have the same track record of killing off terrorist masterminds, but other than that, we're basically two peas in a pod. Don't believe me? Check this out:

TOP 10 THINGS I HAVE IN COMMON WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA

10. We both work from home most of the time.
9. Both of us get to fly for free.
8. Each of us feel that, most of the time, Fox News is pretty ridiculous.
7. The President and I each have one parent that was not born in the United States.
6. When President Bush left office, both of us were dealing with some serious employment and economic problems.
5. We both think Michelle Obama is hot.
4. We're both terrific dancers.
3. Both of us wanted to be architects (wait, that's something the Prez has in common with George Costanza).
3. As a Mormon, if someone ever asks me about it, I too am ready to answer "Yes, we can."
2. I'm always encouraging people to watch NBC's show about a close-knit college study group. That's right, just like Barack, I am also a Community organizer.
1. No matter what other important things may be going on, President Obama and I will both drop everything we're doing to fill out a March Madness bracket.

Only 365 days left! Make sure you register!

Hoffmann of the Month: November

The Hoffmann of the Month for November is the one and only Dustin Hoffman! He's probably the most famous "Hoffmann" there is--so why choose him now, you might ask? A couple of reasons:

--We're already five days into the month, and I don't want to delay any longer while I try to scrounge up an obscure honoree.

--Halloween was technically last month, but it's still fresh in the brain as we begin November. One of Hoffman's most iconic roles is Tootsie, and what could be more Halloween-y than a movie about cross-dressing that's named after a chewy chocolate candy?

--I'm writing this on Guy Fawkes Day, which of course commemorates among other things a famous stake-burning--but not THE most famous stake-burning. That would probably be Joan of Arc, and Dustin was once in a movie about that. Plus Hoffman's look in Hook seems like it was based on the Guy Fawkes mask.

--It's the eve of the New York City Marathon, and Hoffman starred in Marathon Man.

--He's talented, sure, but he's basically an eccentric weirdo, as evidenced by the video above--an accurate parody of his weird performance at the 2003 Grammy Awards. (I can't find the real video anywhere, which is a good sign of just how ridiculous it was.)

So all things considered, Dustin Hoffman was clearly the right choice to be the Hoffmann of the Month for November. Definitely, definitely the right choice.

We Were Merely Freshmen

This week's Sunday School lesson covers the Epistle of James. That book contains perhaps my favorite phrase in all of scripture: "superfluity of naughtiness" (James 1:21). I congratulate the translator who came up with that one.

When I think of the name James, with no last name, my mind often goes back to when I lived in the dorms during my freshman year at BYU. My next-door neighbor Jary would crank up this song on a pretty regular basis, often coming into my room and singing along, loudly. It was kind of endearing, at least compared to a guy who lived a few doors down and would blast this song at full volume, often four or five times in a row. (Jary played his song almost every day for a while, but only once a day.)

With dorm life and superfluous naughtiness now on the brain, it's natural that I'd remember some freshman pranks. We had our share of minor pranks like jamming pennies in the doorjamb and hiding in the little crawl space between the pull-out beds and the wall, but luckily we didn't have to deal with any extreme pranksters.

The most fun and elaborate prank we ever pulled off was at the expense of Jary's roommate Josh. Josh was an affable but spacey guy, and a very sound sleeper. One night he fell asleep early, like 8:30-ish. He was ripe for the pranking. We got everyone who was around on the floor to play along to make Josh think it was the following morning. We all changed our clocks to the time Josh's alarm was set for.

Josh's alarm went off, and he groggily emerged into the hallway, where he saw guys in robes and pajamas. He made his way to the communal bathroom, where other guys were shaving or brushing their teeth and some were coming out of the shower. Josh got himself ready, grabbed his backpack and his bike and headed out for his 8AM class--at about 10PM. I'm not sure how far he got before he figured out what time it really was, but he came back and congratulated us on an awesome prank. (Told you he was affable.)

Sometimes I wonder how we survived without cell phones. But other times I wish they weren't so ubiquitous, because they would make this prank impossible to pull off today. What's the most superfluously naughty prank you've ever been a part of?

Sicko

Here it is, my 2011 Halloween costume. Not everyone can tell right away who I'm dressed as, but if you think about it for a minute you should be able to figure it out.

That's right, I'm Magnum P.I. after a nervous breakdown and a prolonged stretch of unemployment.

Ok, that's not true. I'm rabble-rouser documentarian Michael Moore, a costume equally scary to adults where I live as witches and werewolves are to kids. Some thoughts on this year's creation:

--I have no strong opinion on Michael Moore. I've never seen any of his movies. This was not a political costume, it was an easy costume. It basically involved me dressing like a slob and relaxing my standards of grooming and hygiene for a few weeks. My hair is actually longer now than it ever has been, and it's really annoying. I don't know how people handle long hair.

--It's actually kind of embarrassing that the costume was easy...all of those junky clothes are mine, and all are part of the regular rotation (except the hat; it's pretty gross and was retired about two years ago). I did enhance my stomach area, but sadly the pillow I used is actually pretty small.

--I had a good time shouting Halloween-themed leftist slogans through the megaphone. Stuff like, "Do you think it's fair that 1% of the trick-or-treaters get 75% of the candy?" (don't fact check, please) and "Occupy the fun size Snickers!"

--For someone who likes to hit up church dances on Halloween, this was probably a poor costume choice. I wouldn't be Michael Moore if I took the coat off, plus I had to hang on to the megaphone. It's not really heavy, but it's got some heft to it and I'm weak. I got tired out after just a few songs. I don't know how a scrawny guy like Jimmy Hart could handle holding the megaphone up nonstop.

--Several people at the dance guessed that I was Peter Jackson (I should've tried to add some white to my facial hair). Those wrong guessers would invariably go to Steven Spielberg next. I'd have to say, "You're on the right track, but think of someone more annoying." And then they'd get it.

--They weren't the only ones to misinterpret someone's costume though...walking through the hallway of the U of U Institute, I saw a girl dressed as Sarah Palin and started shouting "Boo!" into the megaphone. After I said it four or five times and saw how confused and borderline tearful she was, I said, "You're Sarah Palin, right?"

"No, I'm a secretary."

I apologized, but she should apologize for picking such a boring (and misleading!) costume.

And now the preparation begins for Halloween Costume 2012. I've got less than a year to get ready!

Sunday Ghoul Lesson

[I've been pretty busy this week, and didn't get around to writing up a Halloween post to promote this week's Sunday School lesson. So here's the email I originally sent to my YSA ward on October 27, 2010. Enjoy!]

Many years ago, when I was a fairly new missionary in Scotland, Halloween fell on a Sunday. I had been asked to speak in sacrament meeting and was allowed to pick my own topic. I saw more than a few eyebrows raise when I began speaking about "How Halloween is Like the Atonement."

I had a couple of good ideas (on Halloween we dress up as things we aspire to be--doctors, superheroes, vampires, etc.--and the Atonement makes us better than we could be on our own; when we Trick or Treat, we are given candy without doing anything to earn it other than ask, which is eerily similar to how the grace of God works), but not nearly enough for a 10-minute talk. I'm pretty sure I even made a cringeworthy joke about (Holy) ghosts, and overall my grand idea for a memorable message turned out to be a disappointing dud.

Halloween falls on a Sunday again this year. When you come to Sunday School this week, though, you won't have to be "scared" of unprepared teachers or awkward, strained gospel comparisons. Our teachers do a
boo-tiful job. You can help them out by studying this week's curriculum.

It's our final week in the "Spook" of Isaiah, so make the most of it. Happy Halloween!

[Again, that was written last year. That link is not what we're studying this week; this is the current one. (Though it's doubtful anyone will see this post in time to do anything about it. Unless you're a week behind. Slackers.) It appears that Paul did not approve of trick-or-treating--he said "they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house...speaking things which they ought not" (1 Tim. 5:13). Leave me a comment if you find any other verses that are about Halloween when taken out of context!]

I'm just like Brandon Flowers

Well, not just like him. Nobody ever told me, you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year. But (as you know if you've been on the Internet at all this week), he's a Mormon, and so am I.

As are the vast majority of the people I interact with or that view this blog. But in most of the country and the world, Mormons are a small minority, so I'm always fascinated when a show or publication or website with national or international reach says something about Mormons. For a number of reasons, it's been happening much more in the last year or so than ever before.

And I love it. Even the ones that make jokes at our expense (partly because I'm a comedy/satire junkie, and am always excited--and even feel a little honored--when people take the time to do some research to make a joke that goes beyond the stale, predictable polygamy and Osmond stuff.)

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Comments about "magic underwear" bother me a little, but for the most part I enjoy all of this stuff. I'm a proponent of the "any publicity is good publicity" philosophy.

You know what? So was Paul. While getting ready for this week's Sunday School lesson, I read this in his letter to the Philippians "some indeed preach Christ even of envy and strife; and some also of good will...the one preach Christ of contention, not sincerely, supposing to add affliction...but the other of love...what then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice" (Philip. 1:15-18).

Whether people say good things or bad about my church, either way it brings more attention, and more and more of those who sincerely want to know the truth about God will be inclined to investigate further. I avoid getting preachy on my blog, mainly because those types of posts would seem strange juxtaposed with all of the fluffy and inconsequential things I usually write about. But if anyone (whether it's someone I know or if you randomly came across my blog) has questions about Mormons, ask away. There are much better resources available than me, but if you leave a question I'll do my best to answer it.

My name is Jeff. I'm an amateur writer and comedian, a lover of television and dessert, and I'm a Mormon.

Everything's coming up Milhouse!

[I don't really have anything to say about this week's Sunday School lesson, but go here if you want to study what I've been studying.]

Over the last week I've had an overabundance of good fortune. The three most noteworthy events, in ascending order of importance:

1) The stalemate is over...and I won! The other night, I grabbed my TP and headed to the bathroom, and was shocked to see one there already. I opened the cupboard beneath the sink and was even more shocked by what I saw--a package with the other three rolls in it! I have no idea what finally caused my roommate to break, and I certainly won't ask him. I may be fully toilet-trained, but that doesn't mean I'm mature. I won!

2) It took almost six months, but my car is finally street-legal again. My registration expired way back in April. I failed the safety test due to a brake issue, and before I could get that fixed an engine issue had also arisen. Based on the initial estimate I received I couldn't afford to fix it, and wasn't sure I wanted to pump that kind of money into a 16-year-old car anyway.

So for months, I've been driving as little as possible, both because my car was potentially unsafe and because I didn't want a ticket. But I knew I wanted this resolved before the winter weather started, so I took it in...and the total cost ended up being more than $1000 less than I expected! I won't be surprised if it needs more work done in the next few months, but for now it's legal and seems to be running properly.

It's kind of unsettling to me that I was able to easily justify driving on expired plates for almost half a year. Vehicle registration is not really a moral issue in and of itself, but choosing to disobey a law is. But that's probably a topic for another time.

3) About this time last year, I was promoted to JetBlue's new social media team. And it was awesome. Last April, due to some attendance issues (a long, boring, and extremely frustrating set of circumstances), I was demoted back to answering phones. And it's been anything but awesome. But a few days ago, I was re-moted (copyright Jeff Hofmann, 2011), and I start back with my old team on Monday. I'll be getting a raise and doing much more enjoyable work.

So things are going pretty good for me right now. On this particular Friday, we we we truly are so excited.

The happiest blog on earth

I'm a name dropper. I freely admit it. For example: you know that guy who plays Therm in those Questar commercials? I used to do improv with that jerk guy!

Now that we've established that I'm a name dropper, allow me to drop another name. Most likely you've seen this video:



Well guess what? I know that family! The mother, Katie, is the best friend of my good friend Marlene. Back in 2008 the three of us (and my friend Megan) auditioned for American Idol together, which you can read about here (you'll notice that I do some name dropping in that post as well).

In case you're the type that doesn't like clicking on links, here's a picture of Katie (and some special guests) to whet your appetite. You'll have to check the other post to get the context.

And now, the video is blowing up everywhere. On Monday the whole family appeared on Fox & Friends, and they've been on Good Morning America and pretty much every Internet site. The YouTube video is approaching 3 million views in just over a week since it was posted.

It's been fun to closely observe the progression of a truly viral Internet sensation. I'm totally on the "Lily's Disneyland Surprise" bandwagon. Because that's what I do. I'm a name dropper.

Barbarians at the Gate

At the beginning of the year my roommate Jason and some other friends started "MITE Night" (MITE standing for "Most Interesting Thing Ever"), an informal lecture series. Every Thursday night, somebody gives a 15-minute presentation on their MITE topic, followed by 15 minutes of Q&A.

It's a great format. Any topic probably has at least 15 minutes worth of interesting stuff to it, and we've had a number of great MITE Nights covering everything from beekeeping to masonry to puppetry.

I wanted to give a "How to Fill Out A March Madness Bracket" lecture back in March, but submitted my proposal to the MITE Night committee too late to be scheduled. Last night, I finally made my MITE Night debut. The title of my presentation:

"I am a Real American: 30 Years of Patriotism and International Relations as Portrayed by Professional Wrestling"

It's probably safe to say I didn't steal the idea from anyone who was hoping to present in the next few weeks.

Turns out I was too ambitious, though: by the time I got through Sgt. Slaughter's infamous turn as an Iraqi sympathizer during the first Gulf War, my 15 minutes was almost up. I spent too much time on the likes of Nikolai Volkoff and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and as a result I had to gloss over the snooty Canadians of the late '90s, post 9/11 anti-Muslim fervor, and the WWE's take on the immigration debate.

I did, however, make time to show a clip from this video, the awesome inspiration for my lecture's title.

One thing I knew going in I wouldn't have time to cover is the semi-related, long-running trend in pro wrestling of portraying characters as broad stereotypes based on the wrestler's country of origin (real or imagined), but in a nonpolitical way. Often, these characters are put forth as savages or simpletons, such as New Zealand's Bushwhackers, Samoa's Head Shrinkers, or Kamala the Ugandan Giant.

The man who played Kamala is actually a guy from Mississippi. Having an American pretend to be from elsewhere was a fairly common practice until the Internet came around and everyone knows the truth about stuff like that.

Wrestling promoters certainly weren't the first to assume the savagery of native tribes they encountered. This week's Sunday School chapters include a story of Paul being shipwrecked among "barbarous people" (Acts 28:2). As always, here's a link to what I've been studying to get ready for class. The word barbarian literally means foreigner, but has taken on connotations that probably make most people think of Head Shrinker-types when they hear it. Or, if you're a wrestling fan, you think of this guy.

If you were doing a MITE Night presentation, what would you give it on? What should my next topic be?

Hoffmann of the Month: October

I'm a little late in naming this month's Hoffmann, but hopefully it's been worth the wait. I was hoping Trevor Hoffman could keep his career saves record through this offseason and I could give him one final honor, but Mariano Rivera had to go and pass him at the end of the season. Damn Yankees!

But another worthy candidate emerged...the Hoffmann of the Month for October is BYU wide receiver Cody Hoffman!

Ross Apo got off to a great start this season and gets a lot of media attention, but he's had injury issues the last few games, and Hoffman seems to have emerged as the primary target for Cougar quarterbacks, both the erratic Jake Heaps and the Samsonian Riley Nelson. His touchdown catch was a big part of BYU's comeback win over Utah St. last week.

But the exploit that catapulted Cody to this prestigious honor is in the video embedded above. Against Central Florida, Hoffmann returned a kickoff for a touchdown--the first time a BYU player had done that since 1998! That was my first semester of college!

The man behind that '98 touchdown was the immortal Mike Rigell. I had a few classes with Mike (he was a fellow Comms major), and sometimes he actually showed up. He was the first person I ever saw in real life rocking the LL Cool J, one-pant-leg-rolled-up look.

Congrats Cody, and keep up the good work! Go Cougars!

A disarming performance

So, the Primary (Mormon organization for children) in my ward has built a time machine. It's basically some big pieces of cardboard, painted black with glittery swirls, and a door cut out of it. But still--a time machine! And once a month they have someone emerge from the time machine, pretending to be an ancient prophet, and give a memorable presentation to the kids.

Last Sunday, it was my turn, and I got a good one: Ammon! I wore my kilt and a He-Man chest t-shirt. I'm too fat for both items, so after my performance I changed out of my costume right away, and didn't get any pictures of my prophetic mantle. But just imagine me in my kilt:

 

With a shirt like this (only if two or three guys that size were trying to fit into the same shirt).

 

I told the kids about my mission to the Lamanites, and I think they were impressed, but they really "began to be astonished" when I pulled these babies out of my sack.

I know, I know, the Lamanites had dark skin...but having arms at all was pretty impressive, I think. (The arms belong to my friend Julia, who got them as a white elephant gift last Christmas and thankfully kept them.) I had my glasses off (sure, Ammon somehow has a time machine, but that doesn't mean he has other post-75 BC technology), so I couldn't see all the kids' faces clearly, but the many "ewwww"s I heard let me know I had done a great job.

It felt good to perform again, even just in a capacity like this, and who knows--maybe it will lead to a similar career to the only person I saw portray Ammon as a child?

I think it's pretty cool that the Primary leaders built a time machine, but it's even cooler that we don't need a time machine to hear a prophet speak in person. This weekend is General Conference, which means there's no Sunday School class, which means there's no Sunday School reading assignment. Instead I recommend this short article to help you prepare for Conference.

I especially like President Uchtdorf's second point: don't discount a message merely because it sounds familiar. I think a lot of people expect huge announcements and proclamations to be made every six months, forgetting that General Conference talks are sermons, not press conferences. Also, I think a lot of people get a little myopic when it comes to the topics of those sermons. You may feel that a certain principle is being overemphasized, but chances are, you haven't mastered it as well as you think you have, and even if you have...there are likely thousands (if not millions) of other listeners that need help in that area.

Enjoy General Conference, and I'll be back next week with another Sunday School preview. If you have your own time machine, and you've already visited next week, try to act surprised when the new post goes up.

Filtered memories

In my last post I mentioned seeing the band Filter embarrass themselves in a Glasgow kilt shop over a decade ago. The time has now come to share that story with the world.

Actually, there's something that has to be done before the time can come...you need to read this post from my old blog to get some background on my missionary companion at that time, Elder McInelly (plus it's a really funny post). Go ahead, I'll wait.

Finished? Great. Ok, here's the story: McInelly and I headed into Glasgow so he could shop for a kilt, because his parents wanted him to get one. He never would've made that decision on his own. Since they weren't there with us to help him choose, he struggled mightily while we were in the store. McInelly was SOOOOOO indecisive. We were there for over two hours (seriously), and he didn't even buy a kilt! He ended up purchasing two semi-expensive blankets, I think mainly because he would've felt guilty being in the store that long without buying anything.

I was bored after about 15 minutes, but luckily at about the 90 minute mark I finally got some entertainment. A group of four Americans, two men and two women, entered the store. (I could tell they were Americans because they spoke very loudly, which allowed me to hear their accents, plus that's what Americans do.) They were in the shop for about 20 minutes, and spent most of that time looking at tacky souvenir items.

The entertainment came when one of the women started looking at kilt belts, and called out to one of the men, "this would look great with your pants." She said it loudly, several times. When Brits say "pants," they are, of course, referring to underwear. The woman should've said "trousers" (actually, I shouldn't assume--maybe the guy likes to accessorize his undies).

I even saw a couple of the store clerks trying to stifle chuckles while this was going on, but they managed to keep a straight face while ringing up their purchases (yes, they completed their shopping before McInelly, even though he had a head start of more than an hour). Probably wise not to insult someone who's about to give you several hundred pounds.

"So are you folks here on vacation?" one of them asked.

"No, we're in a band. Have you ever heard of Filter? We're playing down the street tonight at The Garage."

And that was it. They left the store, and mercifully, we did too a few minutes later. It turns out that story is much more enjoyable to tell (and probably to hear) if I don't give away the ending before I even start. Oh well.

Hey, did you know Filter still tours and stuff? I love the pretentiousness of this description of their most recent album. That's from their official website.

One more thing...I chose to write about this now, because I figured I could relate Filter's song "You Are Gods" to the passages from this week's Sunday School reading on man's status in comparison to God and angels (Hebrews 1-2)...except it seems that song may not exist!

Can anyone help me here? I could have sworn that Filter has a song where the chorus goes "Because you are gods, and I am yours" or something like that. I can't find any evidence of a song with lyrics like this, by Filter or otherwise. The song that I'm thinking of isn't one that I like, but I want to know that I'm not crazy. If you have any idea of what song I'm thinking of, please don't keep me waiting as long as McInelly did.

Rise and shout in pain

Four days later, the drubbing BYU received in the "Holy War" still stings. It was awful. It seemed like the Cougars had never even practiced together before, and by the end of the game seemed to have given up completely. I'd go as far as to say I've never felt as bad at the end of a football game than I did on Saturday.

(This may not hold up; instant reaction, hyperbole, and revisionist history are big parts of being a sports fan. In a few years we'll have to see if this loss stings as much as the two 34-31 games and the ensuing ad campaigns.)

Just as disheartening...I'm worried that I may already be out of good Ross Apo puns. Among those I've already used?

--"That match-up was like comparing Apos to burnt oranges" (after his touchdown catch against Texas)

--"How do you like them Apos?"

--"Need a touchdown? There's an Apo for that."

I'm hoping Josh Quezada returns to his endzone-finding form of 2010 so I can create and sell some bootleg "Apo Juice" merchandise.

Since this year's game is my current worst football memory, I'm going to cheer myself up (and hopefully some of you too) by linking to my favorite football moments that I experienced through a variety of media:

Best Moment I Saw In Person: Big plays by Brandon Doman and Luke Staley resulting in a comeback victory against Utah in 2001. This was especially huge because BYU was still undefeated at that point, though they got drilled in their last two games of the season.

Best Moment I Heard on the Radio: In 2009, I was living with my parents, who are philosophically opposed to paying for TV, so I experienced Andrew George's game-winning TD in overtime only aurally. Still awesome though. Runner-up radio moment: BYU knocking off Miami back in the Ty Detmer days.

Best Moment I Read About in the Newspaper: Back when I served my mission in Scotland, there used to be a free newspaper available on city buses. I think it was called the Metro. (Some quick Googling confirms my memory.) One preparation day, my companion and I rode into Glasgow so he could shop for a kilt. While at the kilt shop, we observed the mediocre rock band Filter inadvertently embarrass themselves (I don't think I've ever blogged that story, but I definitely should).

On the way home, I was looking through the Metro, and on the second-to-last page there was a very short article about Super Bowl XXXIV, which was won in dramatic fashion by St. Louis over Tennessee. After recovering from the shock of how little attention was being given to the biggest American sporting event of the year, and the even bigger shock of the Rams and Titans reaching the Super Bowl, I realized it was former Ute Kevin Dyson who had been tackled just short of the goal line. And it made me happy.

Best Moment I Watched Online: When I moved to New York in 2007, I didn't have TV, but I found a site (which has since been shut down by the Department of Justice) streaming the BYU-Utah game. Watching Austin Collie make magic happen on a small laptop screen is still pretty outstanding.

Best Moment I Watched on Television (and likely my favorite football moment of all time): Harline is STILL open!

I'm happy to report that BYU did not fumble even once while I was writing this post. Things are looking up!