Rave reviews

Hey everyone! The 2013 BASOTRUSSLs are about to arrive, so all 2012 models must go! Due to all the conferences and temple dedications and whatnot over the past few months, we have surplus inventory that we MUST get rid of! This weekend only, get two for the price of one! (Check here and here for the study guide info on the final two Book of Mormon lessons.)

If that deal isn't enough to convince you...check out the glowing reviews I've received for my most recent BASOTRUSSL!

You're so cool! I don't suppose I've truly read through a single thing like that before. So good to discover somebody with some unique thoughts on this subject. Seriously...many thanks for starting this up. This website is something that is needed on the Internet, someone with a little originality! -- Anonymous

You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something that I think I would never understand it. It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I'm looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it! -- Anonymous

Hi! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance from an established blog. Is it hard to set up your own blog? I'm not very techincal (sic)  but I can figure things out pretty fast. I'm thinking about making my own but I'm not sure where to start. Do you have any tips or suggestions? -- Anonymous

I feel this is among the such a lot vital info for me. And I am happy reading your article. But wanna remark on some common things. The web site style is ideal, the articles is in reality great : D. Just right process, cheers. -- Anonymous

Pretty high praise, and it's much appreciated. But you guys, you don't have to be shy! There's no reason to be embarrassed about liking my writing, and wanting to share what you liked in a way that makes it think English is not your first or even your second language. It's totally cool to attach your name to it! If you do, maybe I will visit your websites about futures trading demos and fish food!

Anyway, it's been a great year for BASOTRUSSLs. I hope that my blog helped at least one person, at least one time, to do some scripture study that they otherwise wouldn't have. I invite you to continue reading the Book of Mormon on a regular basis, and now adding the Doctrine and Covenants to your schedule as well, starting next week. See you in 2013!

Holy Shiz

Well, it looks like the world isn't going to end today. Trust me, it's for the best. If you want to know of the horrors that accompany the complete, systematic annihilation of an entire civilization, you need look no further than the final chapters of Ether, which are covered in this week's Sunday School lesson.

With Christmas just a few days away, you're all likely running around like a Shiz with its head cut off (see Ether 15::29-31) trying to get ready, so I won't keep you long with this week's BASOTRUSSL. I'll just leave you with this funny list I came up with a while ago. I buried it at the bottom of a blog post last year, and as a result I don't think many people saw it.


TOP 10 NAMES LEAST LIKELY TO BE GIVEN TO MORMON CHILDREN

10. Gog
9. Magog
8. Jezebel
7. Lilburn
6. Laman
5. Barack
4. Potiphar's Wife
3. Korihor
2. Gadianton
1. Shiz

(It turns out those might be the only names not given to Mormon children. Or to new babies in general. Holy Shiz indeed.)

Merry Christmas!

This is my Skyfall. I have to defend it!

Hat-tip to my friend Michael Brown for the title of this post. And I got the above image from here.

I made a quick weekend trip to New York last month, and while there I saw the new James Bond movie, Skyfall. It might seem strange to devote a few hours of a short getaway to watching a movie, but when you're on vacation, you do things you normally don't do. And I almost never see movies in the theater at home.

Shortly after leaving the theater, I posted on Facebook that Skyfall was a blatant ripoff of Home Alone. I might not have been the first to publicly express that notion, but I had to have been one of the first, since I saw it in the afternoon of its opening day. I'm also quite confident that there aren't many who have explored the two movies' similarities as thoroughly as I have.

I've waited until now to write in detail on the subject, out of deference to those who haven't seen the new Bond flick yet. But it's been out about six weeks now, so I'm not too worried about posting spoilers at this point. And I wanted to get this up before Christmas passes, and we forget about the masterpiece that is Home Alone for another 11 months. So here we go.

There's an obvious setpiece at the end that is the main tipoff to the connection between the two films. In it, James Bond returns to his childhood home, and with the help of M and the caretaker of the old house, uses everyday objects to prepare various booby traps and defenses to fend off an invasion from a more powerful intruder. Pretty much everyone who's seen both flicks has made this comparison at this point.

But there are so, so many more plot points from Skyfall that seem to have been lifted directly from the Home Alone screenplay. Here are the ones I've identified thus far, listed in order from "could just be a coincidence" to "Ian Fleming's estate owes John Hughes' estate some serious royalties."

1) Both heroes are of Scottish descent. Bond literally returns to his Scottish roots, and McCallister is a great Scottish name.
2) The protagonists each employ a creative method of descending stairs quickly--007 sliding down the escalator while chasing Silva, 00-Kevin using his sled.
3) Both movies have a bearded old man with a mysterious backstory who helps save the day.
4) In both films, the hero was abandoned at the beginning by "Mom."
5) The Home Alone tarantula was replaced by either the scorpion or the monitor lizard, depending on how you want to look at it.

Do you guys give up, or are you thirsty for more? Good.

6) In both movies a second building across the way is used as part of the escape, but the bad guy catches up to them there anyway.
7) Silva wasn't the first villain with fake teeth to pretend to be a cop.
8) Each movie features unnecessary shaving--00-Kevin (I like that nickname) is too young, and 007 shaves in the middle of the night--what?! Why?!
9) The bad guys in both shows easily bypass shoddy attempts at security (Silva blowing up MI6/escaping from his cell/etc.; the Wet Bandits figuring out the automatic lights of every house in the neighborhood).

Obviously, this not only proves that Skyfall is little more than a remake of Home Alone, it shows that somebody needs to get on the "grown-up-Kevin-McCallister-as-a-super-spy" movie. I would totally watch that. If you can think of any similarities between the two movies, mention them in the comments. In the meantime, I've got one more for you:

10) Both movies include blatant beverage product placement early on (Heineken for Bond, and "Fuller, easy on the Pepsi!"), but later the hero gets their favorite, classic treat (a shaken-not-stirred martini and a lovely cheese pizza ("just for me"), respectively.

Keep the change, ya filthy animals.

DIY

You may have noticed the lack of a BASOTRUSSL post last week. We had a special third stake conference for the year. No boundary adjustments or leadership changes, just a General Authority who wanted to visit.

Anyway, back to normal this week. Well, sort of. In this Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson we'll be covering one of the best-known stories from The Book of Mormon--the time the Brother of Jared saw the finger of the Lord as it touched and illuminated a bunch of stones.

As you may remember, the brother of Jared had come to the Lord for assistance in providing light for otherwise-pitch black barges that were to be used in a trans-oceanic voyage. The Lord in turn challeneged the brother of Jared to come up with an idea on his own (see Ether 2:23-25). He ultimately "did molten out of a rock sixteen small stones" (Ether 3:1) and asked the Lord to touch them, which He did.

If that method is good enough for God, it's good enough for me. So this week, rather than come up with my own convoluted comparison between the scriptures and something from my life, I'm challenging YOU--my readers--to do it for me.

So hit the comments, folks, and let me know what you would write about if you were molting your own BASOTRUSSL blog post out of this particular block of scripture. Take my word for it, it's really fun.

Has the day of miracles ceased?

Of course not! This week's Sunday School lesson is all about miracles. To celebrate, here are the top 12 miracle-related music, video, or music video clips I could think of.

12. We'll get the PG-13ish one out of the way first. At least it's not the Full Monty clip.



 11. For those times when you're under attack from flying pineapples.



 10. Not his best song, but the video is like a modern-day Three Amigos, with JBJ as El Guapo. He certainly has a plethora of chest hair.



 9. An '80s classic.



 8. Girl, you look miraculous in those jeans.



 7. I was living in Manhattan when this happened, and it was pretty remarkable.




 6. I first saw this movie on my mission, where it was rated PG for "mild biblical horror." Best. Description. Ever.



 5. The '90s remake was decent, but the new ending they gave it was not nearly as good as this.

4. It's Devo-riffic.



 3. I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!



 2. USA! USA! USA!



 1. Some might think placing that last clip at #2 instead of at #1 is heresy, but it's hard to top this one.



YouTube is pretty much the greatest miracle of the last 15 years--even bigger than the Disneyland FASTPASS or the $2-$4-$6-$8 menu at Denny's. If you can think of a miracle clip that I overlooked, I'd love it if you gave the link in the comments. In the meantime, study up on a more meaningful discussion of miracles in preparation for class.

[This post is a slightly tweaked version of an email I sent to my ward on February 10, 2011, while I was serving as the Sunday School president. That week, the upcoming lesson covered some of the notable miracles from the Savior's mortal ministry. The emails I sent each week back then eventually morphed into these weekly BASOTRUSSL posts.]

Two bits on a shave and a haircut

I'm currently clean shaven. Well, clean-ish. I don't have any deliberate facial hair, just some scruff from three days of being too lazy to shave. But at this time last month, I had the craziest beard I've ever had. Check it out.

And in profile...

I've only grown out my beard for longer than 10 days or so a handful of times in my life, and each of those times I kept the sides trimmed and rocked a goatee. I hate shaving, but don't usually wear a beard because it feels gross, it's hot, and in the past it often grew in patchy. This time it was much thicker and fuller and better overall than any previous beard, but I can be honest--it looks kind of gross. These pictures were taken the day before I shaved, just over 100 days' growth. I'm pretty sure this is also the longest my head hair had ever been.

The reason for this hirsuteness: Halloween, of course! Here's me posing with my roommates, looking more like Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller than I had hoped.

In this picture, though, with the arms folded, high hair more visible, and prominent wristwatch, it's a little more obvious that I'm dressed as the immortal Ron Swanson.

The week of Halloween, I went to two dances and to work in this get-up, and exactly one person (other than those I'd already told who I was dressing as) correctly identified my costume. This is a travesty that needs to be rectified. Everyone needs to know who Ron Swanson is. Start off by watching this clip compilation, then watch Parks and Recreation every Thursday. And then bring me all the bacon and eggs you have.

The words of moron

There's a phrase from this week's Sunday School reading that makes me giggle every time I read it. If you're even half as immature as me, you'll probably laugh too. It's from Moroni 9:7--"According to the knowledge which I have received from Amoron..."

Pretty funny, huh? What could be less valuable than knowledge received from a moron? Except, the more I think about it, that's basically what many of my weekly Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson (or BASOTRUSSL) posts are.

The BASOTRUSSLs basically fall into one of three categories. Two of the three involve me writing about something I experience or observe, and somehow connecting it to the lesson material. The first category are posts that actually make sense, and offer some type of insight into my life or the scripture block, or both. Here's a good example. And here's another and another and another. The second are the posts where the connection is extremely tenuous, the ones I wrote mainly because I'm committed to doing this every week. Check out my "share' em/Sherem" post to see what I mean.

Then there's the third category: the posts where I interpret the scriptures in a strange way, mainly for comic effect. This practice started years ago, long before I was a blogger, when I discovered humorous ways to misinterpret a few Book of Mormon passages. I wrote about these verses here and here.

I've reached new levels of borderline blasphemy in 2012. The new interpretations for scripture blocks I've conjured up this year include:

--Ancient prophets claiming the University of Utah and Ute fans are evil.

--The Hunger Games movie is based on the story of Enos.

--Parallels abound between the people of Zeniff and last spring's Jazz-Spurs playoff series (including a great zinger about Tony Parker's philandering ways).

--Christ's visit to the Americas was laced with Halloween imagery.

--Isaiah foresaw the modern day rise of eReaders and the scourge of Nicholas Sparks.

--A portion of Nephi's narrative mirrors a typical YSA ward experience--but only if you read it backward.

--Just last week, I showed how a Weezer song reveals the identity of the Three Nephites.

--Most surprising of all, Alma's discourse to the poor Zoramites is actually pro-Obama, socialist propaganda.

I am aware that men should not propagate their own private interpretations of the scriptures (see 2 Pet. 1:19-21). I cannot stress this enough--when you read my blog, all the "knowledge" you receive comes from a moron! I'm merely a jester, writing these posts for entertainment. I don't believe these interpretations, and neither should you. I will continue posting BASOTRUSSLs, but you shouldn't take much if anything of what you read here seriously.

Are we clear on this? Good. But if not, two of the next three lessons after this mention a man named Nimrod...

Three-zer

I totally know how Dan Brown feels now. I've cracked the code of one of the biggest mysteries in all of scripture (well, part of it anyway): I know who the Three Nephites are! And the answers were found in, of all places, a classic Weezer song!

But let me back up for a minute. For the uninitiated, the Three Nephites are some of the most prominent figures in Mormon folklore. Some brief background: after his resurrection, Jesus Christ appeared to the people in the Americas and called twelve disciples to lead His church there, just as He had done in Jerusalem (see 3 Ne. 11:18-22; 12:1). Later on, he asked these twelve men what their greatest desire was. Nine said they wanted to die and go to heaven once they reached a certain age; the other three wished to remain on the earth until the Second Coming, working all the while to bring as many souls as possible to Christ (see 3 Ne. 28:1-8). (If you're just interested in the doctrinal basis of the Three Nephites story and not the sensationalistic aspects, make sure to check out the scripture block and study guide material for this week's Sunday School lesson.)

The wishes were granted, and now these Three Nephites roam the earth, performing good deeds and then vanishing into thin air (at least according to the numerous legends that have been told and retold for over 100 years). The most common tall tales involve a mysterious hitchhiker issuing warnings about the importance of food storage, or sister missionaries being protected from serial killers (interestingly, one of the few common story types that has all three wanderers appearing together).

The identity of these three selfless servants was not revealed in the scriptures (see 3 Ne. 28:25), but as I mentioned above, I figured out who they are--and I owe it all to alt rock legends Weezer. It turns out that their song "My Name Is Jonas" (the first track from their first album) has all the clues needed to figure out the names of those who wished to stay behind.



The first one is easy. The names of the twelve are given in 3 Nephi 19:4, and one of them was--you guessed it--Jonas. Lest you think it's just a coincidence, listen closely to the lyrics in the first verse. "Thanks for all you've shown us/This is how we feel" is clearly Jonas and Co. making their request to live on Earth until the world ends. And "We've all left the den/Let me tell you 'bout it" is undoubtedly Jonas describing the persecutions he and his brethren endured, including being cast into dens of wild beasts (see 3 Ne. 28:22; 4 Ne. 1:33).

The other two are a little trickier, but if you dissect the second verse you can figure it out. The speaker says his name is Wepeel, and he refers to his brother. There were several sets of brothers among the twelve. Nephi and Timothy (Jonas was the son of one of them, though the sentence structure of 3 Ne. 19:4 makes it difficult to figure out which is his daddy), along with Mathoni and Mathonihah, are explicitly identified as brothers. I think it's safe to infer that Kumen and Kumenonhi were brothers, based on their similar names, and the fact that church leadership has been quite nepotistic from the beginning.

So which brother pair is it? None of them are named Wepeel. Well, what's something that "we peel?" Onions! There are are a couple of guys whose name sounds like onion, but not Nephi and Timothy--they're out of the running. To narrow it down further--Wepeel is actually Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. There's only one set of brothers whose names look like variants of Cuomo, and that's Kumen and Kumenonhi. But what about the line that mentions Math--isn't that a point in favor of Mathoni? Well, that same line mentions swearing, something that these super-righteous men would have nothing to do with. To further solidify my argument--that last link indicates that Wepeel was also the name of Cuomo's childhood sled, a Rosebud for a new generation. Well check out this picture--yes, that's a sled being pulled by dogs in the Kumen region of Slovenia. Case closed.

So there you have it. Jonas, Kumen and Kumenonhi are the Three Nephites. "But hold the phone," says the one person who is actually fact-checking this investigation. "There are two men named Jonas among the twelve chosen by Jesus. How do you know you have the right one?" Back to the first verse we go! "Just like Grandma made?" Who's going to be referring to their grandma, some Jonas that we know nothing about, or the Jonas whose grandma was the wife of the great prophet Nephi (the father of Timothy and the other Nephi)? That's what I thought. The song ends with Jonas and the two K brothers singing "The workers are going home," as by this point they must clearly be looking forward to the Second Coming and their inevitable "twinkling" (see 3 Ne. 28:8).

So there you have it. We now know who the Three Nephites are. Well, not really. We only know their names, and they probably go by different monikers now. And we have no idea what they look like, or where they are. But I have faith that they're out there, somewhere, helping people. They're definitely "still makin' noise, makin' noise!"

I was gonna write, but...

One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for not blogging. Lines like "sorry I haven't been good at blogging lately" or "I've been too busy to blog for a while" at the beginning of a post annoy me. Everyone's busy; like everything else you just have to make time for blogging if you want to do it. Just blog or don't blog, it's not that big of a deal. None of the blogs I frequent charge a monthly subscription fee or anything, so it's not like you owe me anything.

Of course, this means I also hold a certain amount of self-loathing, because I've done the same thing on more than one occasion on my old blog. But I've been trying to quit, and haven't really had this issue since starting this blog last year. I have been guilty of a similar offense, though--promising a blog post (either here, or on my Facebook fan page, or just promising myself) on a certain topic or by a certain time, and then not delivering. And guess what? I'm doing that again today.

I had plans for a more meaningful post this week, but I procrastinated, and now I'm going out of town this weekend, so this is all you get. I'm not going to apologize, though, because if you read this post at all it shouldn't take you more than two minutes. Plus, I'm in good company--even the prophet Nephi once admitted to not getting around to "blogging" something he should have (see 3 Nephi 23:7-12). (Aside: if we visited the olden days when giving feedback involved engraving on metal blog plates, I bet we wouldn't complain so much about blogs that make you type a CAPTCHA before leaving a comment.)

To learn more about Nephi's embarrassment and other, more important things, check out the study guide for this week's Sunday School lesson. And I'll be back with a more engrossing post next week. Or not. It is just a blog, after all.

Casting bread upon the storm waters

I had a semi-ambitious idea for this week's Sunday School blog, but I had to abandon it once Hurricane Sandy hit. Fortunately, the Frankenstorm's only impact on me was having to work some overtime, helping people whose flight plans were disrupted. And there are thousands of people whose problems are much worse than those of stranded travelers or overworked airline employees. If you'd like to help them, here's a great way to do it and even get something for yourself in return.

(As always, even though I work for JetBlue, and the company would certainly approve of me promoting our recovery efforts in this space, I am solely responsible for the content of this blog.)

So, rather than write my own blog post, I'm going to use someone else's work. Over a decade ago, I was introduced to "The Sugar Beet," a website that was basically the Mormon version of "The Onion." Most of the fake news stories were just okay at best, but there was one piece--an account of an event that created a small scale version of hurricane-like havoc--that I still consider one of the funniest things I've ever read. The site no longer exists (though it appears it was briefly resurrected as a blog), and I can't find any record of this particular article online, but luckily I had the foresight to print a copy back in July 2002, and I've typed it up below. (I chose to feature this today because part of this week's Sunday School lesson is on the sacrament.)


Two Deacons Collide During Administering of Sacrament
By Benson Dastrup

CHICAGO, IL--Local deacon Sammy Thomas collided with Rich Larsen while passing the sacrament on Sunday in the Chicago Hyde Park Ward. Larsen, who had traveled from Utah to visit his sister, was thrown to the ground, spilling the contents of his tray. It wasn't immediately clear what caused the accident, but Larsen blamed Thomas for not following the new Standard Sacrament Protocol, or SSP.

Sacrament passing routes have traditionally been created on an ad hoc basis, making it very difficult to keep track of competing methods and regional variations. The SSP was published last year by the Orem Utah East Stake in an attempt to establish an industry standard. The code fully utilizes all the latest passing and formation technologies and was designed to be extremely cheap to implement. Despite initial skepticism, the SSP was widely adopted along the Wasatch Front last fall.

[The article even included an awesome multi-color diagram of the SSP, including a "grassy knoll" at the top, just behind the organ. Alas, my copy is in black and white.]

Larsen, who participated in his home quorum's Subcommittee on Safety and Reverence, said, "The SSP was supposed to prevent exactly this type of accident." When asked why he thought the standards had been largely ignored outside of Utah, Larsen threw up his hands. "I just don't get it. Maybe something like this has to happen to get people to wake up."

Enough bread remained after the incident to complete the ordinance without a second prayer, but an awkward moment followed the collision when two-year-old Timmy Cannon shoved three fistfuls of bread into his mouth from the floor. It was decided after consulting the Bishop's Handbook that Timmy was not in need of any medical attention.

Eerie similarities

Halloween is less than a week away! Like many of my favorite shows, I plan to use the holiday as a crutch for one episode/post per year. Since the bulk of my posts are BASOTRUSSLs (Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson), that means I get to shoehorn some spooky into the scriptures every October.

This Sunday we're covering 3 Nephi, chapters 17 through 19. Here's the link to the study guide material. Without further ado, here are the top 10 Halloween connections I could force from that scripture block, listed from most tenuous to least (though the level of irreverence/sacrilege varies widely):

10) Frequent use of the word "which" (see 3 Ne. 17:15; 18:10-11, 27-28; 19:32-34, etc.--about once every six verses on average). Remember, I said we're starting with the least tenuous.

9) Spooky imagery such as the gates of hell (see 3 Ne. 18:13), referring to people as "souls" (see 3 Ne. 17:25), and frequent mentions of the Spirit or the Holy "Ghost."

8) Bobbing for apples is almost like a secular version of baptism by immersion (see 3 Ne. 19:10-13).

7) Halloween is awesome for both adults and children (see all of 3 Nephi 17).

6) Hordes of maimed and leprous and withered people (see 3 Ne. 17:7-9)...sounds like one of those zombie marathons.

5) Speaking of zombies--Nephi's brother Timothy rose from the dead! (See 3 Ne. 19:4.)

4) Starting "before it was yet dark" and continuing throughout the night, many people basically went house to house, giving the same message over and over (see 3 Ne. 19:2-3).

3) The leaders of the community distributed small pieces of free food, and the people ate until they were full (see 3 Ne. 18:3-5).

2) At one point it seemed like the Nephites were all dressed like ghosts--their "whiteness...did exceed all the whiteness...there could be nothing on earth so white as the whiteness thereof" (3 Ne. 19:25). The study guide page linked to above suggests reading chapter 17 aloud. After you've done that, do the same with this verse too--I've long thought it's one of the strangest sounding passages to read out loud. And finally...

1) Many people sacrificed throughout the night in order to be in the right spot when Jesus appeared--just like Linus's devotion to the Great Pumpkin (see 3 Ne. 19:3). When you wait on the Lord, though, you get much more than a bag of rocks.

Happy Halloween from Tales of Hofmann!

Yours sincerely, wasting away

I'm pretty sure my first experiences with mortality came from playing Oregon Trail in my elementary school computer lab. I loved firing up the old Apple IIe, choosing which of my friends would be traveling the trail with me, and hoping we would make it to Oregon but not caring if we didn't. Because if we didn't, that would mean I'd get to laugh at the thought of my pals dying of cholera or snake bite or because they didn't like the wild fruit I found, plus I got to write silly things on the tombstones.

By the time I attended my first funeral, just before I turned 11, death was not a fearful or even a particularly sad thing for me. My faith in my religion's teachings about the afterlife played a major role in this attitude, but Oregon Trail may have played just as big a part. On the Trail, death just meant a chance to write a funny epitaph, then immediately start a new game. Life goes on.

(By the way, I made the above tombstone at this cool site. I love the Internet!)

Although I don't fear death, over the last week or two a number of things have happeend that have made me feel old.

--For months, my mom has told me my deodorant makes me smell like an old man. It never bothered me. But when the same criticism comes from Schmidt...well, that hurts.

--I've been growing my beard out for Halloween. It's been a little over three months since my last shave, the longest my facial hair has ever been. It's also coming in with better thickness and consistency than past beard attempts...but there are also a few white hairs scattered throughout. (My costume will end up being mustache-only, but I'll post some beard pics here before I shave it off.)

--I went to a YSA dance on Monday night. I certainly wasn't the only emeritus YSA in attendance, and I still had fun, but I did stop dancing for a while and talked to a fellow "oldie" about how there was too much Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha, etc., being played and not nearly enough Spice Girls or Third Eye Blind. I also needed the break because my stamina isn't nearly what it was during my dancing days in high school and college, but I'm pretty sure that has much more to do with me being in terrible shape than my age.

--The other day at dinner group, the girl who was hosting said "You've got to listen to this weird song that just came on my Halloween Pandora station!" The song in question turned out to be the "funny farm" song. (Was this the first mainstream example of autotuning? Hmm...) Now, that song is much older than me, but since none of the girls at dinner (average age around 27) had heard it, I felt like it must be a tune from "my" era.

--Finally, Saturday is my half-birthday. I am now 32.5 years old. Exactly halfway to the standard retirement age. And if my retirement savings in the next 32.5 years equal what I saved in the first 32.5...I'm pretty much screwed.

Luckily, just when I needed it most, Oregon Trail came through for me again. In case you didn't know, I Tweet for JetBlue Airways (and in case I haven't made it clear before, my personal blog/Twitter feed/Facebook page are just that--personal, as in, not affiliated with JetBlue). A few days ago a customer Tweeted about us and made an OT reference that my "old" coworkers didn't get. Fortunately, I was around to reply. Here's the exchange:

If you don't get my joke, then you're either old, or missed out on an important part of childhood. One of my favorite games has once again made me feel young, and helped me stave off worrying about death or even retirement, at least for another week.

The scriptures have helped, too. This week's Sunday School lesson covers the version of the Sermon on the Mount that Jesus gave to the Nephites after resurrection. The Lord knows, age is just a number--"Old things are done away, and all things have become new" (3 Ne. 12:47). He also knew that saving for retirement isn't really a big deal, teaching that we should lay up treasures in heaven rather than on earth, and to take no thought about food or clothing (see 3 Ne. 13:19-32). So I guess I'm doing all right.

Ok, I'm being slightly facetious. It is important to be prepared and responsible in temporal matters. But whether I die "young" or live to retirement age, and whether my retirement home is in the Willamette Valley, or on the funny farm, or even just livin' on a prayer (you know, because I'm halfway there), it doesn't matter. I know I will die someday, and I'm all right with that. Because there is life after death. And because it will give me one last chance to say something funny.

Na-na na-na na-na nuh, Batpod!

One of my very first posts on this blog was dedicated to how awful Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin is. If a couple of paragraphs didn't convince you then, maybe this will--I recently made a guest appearance on the "Good Word From Bad Movies" podcast (the reason for this post's title; sorry if you were looking for info on the Caped Crusader's cool motorcycle), where my friends Billy and Andrew watch terrible movies, then make fun of them while simultaneously relating them to gospel principles. It's kind of like an aural version of my BASOTRUSSL posts.

There was so much stuff to mock in B&R that the podcast has been broken up into three parts. The link for part 1 is here, part 2 here, and part 3 here. Altogether it's 117 minutes of comedy gold. (That's just 8 minutes shorter than the movie itself.) We review the plot in the first two parts (can't really call it a "summary" when it's that long), then get more into the "Good Word" in the final installment.

There are plenty of jokes peppered throughout, the most common themes being pizza, bad Arnold impressions and even worse Mr. Freeze puns, and (surprisingly) Hitler. We recorded in early September but the episodes were just posted over the last week, so there are some dated references to the Olympics and such, but if you think I'm funny then you'll probably really enjoy these. At any rate, they hopefully won't leave you as bored as the supervillain pictured below.

I had a ton of fun recording these (thanks Andrew and Billy!) and hope to use podcasts more in the future as a way to entertain the masses and show off my wit. In the meantime, now that I've ripped on Batman &Robin in writing and with audio, I need to decide which medium to use next. Maybe a diorama...

Gone baptizin'

[The title of this post comes from a classic "Simpsons" moment. As with many of these classic moments, it's nowhere to be found online except on weird Eastern European websites. However, there's an even more classic moment that comes right after which I was able to find on a known site.]

Last week I attended a baptismal service, the first one I'd been to in a couple of years. Javier, a man who lives in my complex, was the one who was baptized. His wife is LDS and is in my ward, attending with their toddler-aged daughter. Javier has been attending with his family the last several months and is a great guy. It was a sweet experience to see him accept the gospel and begin on the path which will see him sealed to his wife and child in the near future.

It was interesting to me to note the contrast between the brevity of the baptismal ordinance and its importance. In a meeting that lasted nearly an hour, the actual baptism lasted about a minute, including the time it took Javier and the man who did the dunking to walk down into the font. In a flash, one of the most important events of Javier's life was over. I remember when I was baptized, when I was 8 years old, as soon as I came up out of the water, I asked if I could do it again. I don't swim and am not a fan of being in water generally; my eagerness to repeat the ceremony was due mainly to the good feeling it created within me, but there may have also been a small part of me that felt I was being shortchanged, that something so important should last longer.

I'm old enough now to know that time is not necessarily equal to importance. I assume that most who read my blog share my view of the importance of baptism, but in case there are any who doubt, consider what happened when Jesus made His long-prophesied post-resurrection appearance in the Americas (which we'll be discussing in this week's Sunday School lesson). Once the people fully understood who He was, He began to teach them. His first topic? Baptism (see 3 Ne. 11:21-29). That's a pretty strong endorsement.

And time is a relative concept, anyway. When Christ was crucified, the people in America endured terrible catastrophes and destruction (also covered in this week's reading block). The earthquakes and other disasters lasted about three hours, but many felt it was actually much longer (see 3 Ne. 8:19). When you're talking about cities catching fire and other cities falling into the sea and thousands of people dying, even one hour would seem like an eternity.

By contrast, take a look at the second bullet point from the link above. When the Savior appeared, before He began teaching, He invited the multitude of 2500 (see 3 Ne. 17:25) to come up one by one to feel the wounds in His hands and feet and side and gain a testimony that He was actually the promised Messiah (see 3 Ne. 11:13-15). If each person was allowed 10 seconds each for this amazing experience, the entire process would've lasted about seven hours! It's quite likely it took even longer. This lasted much longer than the destructive forces did, but I bet the time flew by for these blessed people.

I hope we won't judge an event's importance strictly by how long it lasts. After all, what's a minute, or 3 hours, or 7 hours, or even the 1000 years of history covered in The Book of Mormon when viewed through the lens of eternity?

Hoffmann of the Month: October

Last October, BYU's stud wide receiver Cody Hoffman was named the "Hoffmann of the Month," and it worked out nicely for both parties. That post has been viewed more times than any other on this blog, by a wide margin. The effect on Cody was even more noticeable: to that point in the season, Hoffman had played 5 games, but only netting over 100 receiving yards once and catching one touchdown (he also had a special teams TD). After he won this blog's highest honor, he had 100+ yards in 4 of the last 8 games and scored 9 touchdowns.

Whether the October 2012 Hoffmann of the Month will have the same impact on me or on the honoree remains to be seen, but regardless, Hoffman's Chocolate is worthy of the distinction.

Hoffman's began decades ago as a small, family-run chocolate shop in Florida, but they seem to be growing pretty rapidly, and you can get their chocolate shipped to you anywhere in the United States. All of their stuff (such as the chocolate covered strawberries pictured above) looks amazing, though I'm admittedly not hard to impress when it comes to chocolate. (The only time I remember ever not liking chocolate was when I dipped some orange chicken in fondue.) They're also smart marketers--who wouldn't want to try something called a "Wheel of Treats?"

I chose to honor HC now because it's the month of Halloween, my favorite candy holiday. My rankings may not match up with the general public--Hoffman's Halloween selection is pretty limited, they have videos online touting their popularity at Christmas and Valentine's (their busiest time of the year), and at one time had the millennium's best Easter basket, according to one prominent publication.

(My rankings of the major candy holidays:

1. Halloween
2. Easter
3. Christmas
4. Valentine's Day

All four are roughly equal in terms of chocolate; the products are basically the same, just with variations to shapes and packaging depending on the holiday. I'm not a big fan of candy corn or jelly beans, but they're both tons better than those V-Day conversation hearts. Christmas doesn't have a nasty candy to ding its ranking, but there's so much other stuff, food and otherwise, associated with it that candy gets a little lost in the shuffle. Ultimately, my fondness for Halloween generally gives it the nod over Easter. I'm sure you're all fascinated by this.)

Whether they emphasize Halloween or not, I feel confident in my prediction that their chocolate is excellent. Congratulations, Hoffman's Chocolate! Welcome to the elite ranks of the Hoffmann of the Month club!

Faith Promoting Rumors

Below is an excerpt from one of the Sunday School announcements I used to post on my YSA Ward's Google Group (the genesis of these BASOTRUSSL blog posts), originally written in March 2011:

"To believe in LDS theology, or even just Christianity in general, one has to accept as fact some things that many outsiders find hard to swallow. Stories of miracles, visions, healings, prophecies and the like seem fantastic on the surface. But these things did and do happen, and it's amazing. 

Some Mormons, however, aren't satisfied...they like to make up stories and circulate them as the real deal. Among my favorite LDS inspirational fiction: 

--The rumor about guys getting their mission call, and the only thing in the envelope was a phone number, which was a direct line to President Hinckley's secretary. Pres. Hinckley would then issue your call, over the phone, to serve a three-year proselyting mission in China. 

--The quote, attributed to dozens of apostles, about the residents of the spirit world bowing in our presence when they heard we lived during the days of [insert name of current prophet]. 

--Steve Martin was baptized. 

--Soon Sunday School will be eliminated, and the Sunday time block will be just two hours. 

--Sting once dated a Mormon woman, and ended up releasing an album of pop covers of Primary songs (the album is actually by EFY soundtrack mainstay Brett Raymond). 

--Yoda was based on President Kimball.

--Anything involving the Three Nephites (especially when they provide roadside assistance)."

I then made my typically loose association to the scripture block that would be covered in class (obviously not the same one that we'll be studying this week; more on that in a bit), and invited the group to reply with their favorite faith-promoting rumors. Within minutes, about a dozen replies came in, all from guys, including:

"Don't forget that the Three Nephites always ride snowmobiles."

"Bono wants to be buried with the BOM. Oh and U2's song, 'Where the Streets Have No Name' is totally about Salt Lake City. You know, 4500 S 1300 E. No names. Hmmm?"

"I love the following rumors:

 

-The Salt Lake Temple will be closed down for two years for a construction project to make it earthquake safe.

 

-The woman/man that was baptized later in life received a patriarchal blessing and was told that they would have received the gospel earlier in life if only the missionary destined to baptize them had gone on a mission."

"My favorite, but this one is true: they are going to be building a new 12 story building just to the north of the Church Office Building in the now parking lot of the Church History Library to build a building that will house all of the rumors of the church."

"I like the series that starts with:

"My friend's [insert any combination of distant relationships here] was at the church office building and got on the elevator with [insert current prophet] and asked, 'What is the most important thing we should be concerned about right now?' [Previosly Inserted Current Prophet] answered, 'Get your food storage in order.' [or whatever your
favorite religious hobby is]."

These are great cause you can use them to get people excited/worried about anything you want! Oh, the power of Mormon folklore!"

"I totally heard that BrighamYoung/DavidOMcKay/BruceRMcConkie/SpencerWKimnball said that if a man isn't married by the time he's BeenHomeAYear/Turns25/Turns28 he's a menace to society. There was a rumor in my mission that Prince was taking the discussions. The Elders had to get special permission from the Prophet to ride a boat, since Prince lives on an island. Oh, and the Gold Plates and Laban's Sword are in the cornerstone of the Salt Lake Temple." "The best can be found on my most beloved website." I don't think there was really any one-upmanship going on, just enthusiasm to share the most ridiculous examples, but the fact that the additions came so quickly and from only dudes made it pretty hilarious when my friend Amee became the first lady to chime in, with a simple one-liner: "Girls, girls. you're all pretty." Love Megamind. Great show. I welcome you all (male and female) to submit even more of your favorite faith-promoting rumors in the comments. I can't get enough of 'em. So, all of the above examples are dubious at best, but what if they were read by Nephi (the son of Nephi, who was the son of Helaman, who was the son of Helaman, who was the son of Alma, who was the son of Alma...)? Mormon says that when Nephi preached to the people, "it were not possible that they could disbelieve his words" (3 Ne. 7:18) due to his great faith. When Nephi told his friends about a random connection between Mormons and a pop star from the British Isles, it was legit. The surrounding verses indicate that, unfortunately, most of the people did not obey Nephi's teachings, but they knew what he was saying was true. They couldn't deny it. How cool is that? I also know that the teachings of Nephi and other prophets found in this week's Sunday School reading are true. I hope you'll all study them, and respond with more faith and humility than Nephi's contemporaries did. There will be no BASOTRUSSL post next week, due to General Conference, where we'll get to hear from many modern-day Nephis. I urge you to listen to, study, and apply their words as well. The men and women who will speak during the Conference will also be sharing words of truth that, if we are in tune with the Spirit, will be impossible for us to disbelieve. May we all heed their counsel. [For an irreverent take on a different passage from this week's reading, check out this post from last month.]

2011-2012 New Show Reviews, Part IV

I did it! We did it! We've finally reached the conclusion of my reviews of shows that debuted during the 2011-2012 season. By the end of this post, you'll learn which new show was my favorite. But before that, make sure to watch the above clip. It's noteworthy for several reasons:

1) It's a hilarious Ryan Lochte impression. I give it three swims.

2) It legitimizes the Go On joke I made in part 1 of this series.

3) It shows that the work of a TV reviewer is never done. I've already got about a half dozen pilots under my belt (including "Monkey Hospital") that will be covered if I repeat this conceit next year.

Anyway, on to the fourth and final installment! (You can read part 1 using the link above, part 2 is here, and part 3 is here.)

Don't Trust the B---- In Apartment 23, ABC

Episodes Watched: 1 of 7

Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: This site (James van Der Beek was the original Ryan Gosling)
Comments: This show's title has so many problems. It's obviously inappropriate, but even worse, it's too long for anyone to remember or mention to their friends. But the lone episode I watched made me laugh more than almost any other new sitcom, in no small part because of the presence of Dawson playing himself (ok, JVDB playing himself--but there were numerous Dawson references in the pilot).

Smash, NBC

Episodes Watched: 15 of 15

Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: Glee, but wish the singers didn't have to pretend to go to class once every six episodes
Comments: The singing in this show is pretty good. And the numbers from the fictional Marilyn Monroe musical the show revolves around actually seem like they could be part of a real Broadway show. The main problem is, I hate pretty much every character on the show. The catty gay chorus member is a delight, but I can't really stand anyone else. A big part of that is the smugness; everyone seems to think they're so great because they're pursuing a career in show business, and certainly seems to think they're better and more interesting than those who aren't in "the biz." I met several people like that when I lived in New York. I didn't like those people.

The X Factor, FOX

Episodes Watched: 26 of 26

Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: Singing competitions with non-spinning judges' chairs
Comments: There's enough differences from Idol here that it should be interesting (no age limit, groups performing along with soloists, the judges also acting as coaches, etc.), but really, it's just Idol in the autumn. Season 2 has already started, and they've ditched the charisma-less season 1 host and upgraded the judges' panel. But it's still just a singing competition where the performers get criticized for both poor musical arrangements and for not "making a song their own," depending on which route they went that week.

Alcatraz, FOX

Episodes Watched: 13 of 13

Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: J.J. Abrams, time travel (ok, time travel is basically implied at this point in a J.J. Abrams project)
Comments: So, I had some negative things to say about the last two shows, even though they placed pretty high on my list. That's mainly an indictment of the low quality of shows I subjected myself to in the last year (again, I am a TV addict). But from this point on, the shows on the list are ones I actually liked.

Alcatraz has a pretty unsatisfying ending, but that's because they were hoping for a second season. I was into the premise and curious how it would play out. Plus it had Hugo from Lost and Jurassic Park's Sam Neill, both experienced time travelers (kind of). If this show ends up on Netflix you should check it out.

Napoleon Dynamite, FOX

Episodes Watched: 6 of 6

Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Tater tots, guys with nunchuk skills, chatting with babes online, etc.
Comments: This show vastly exceeded my expectations. If you liked the movie you'll almost certainly enjoy the cartoon. Nearly all of the original actors provide the voices for their animated doppelgangers, and each episode features a couple of lines or sight gags or whatever lifted directly from the film. The show was delightfully quirky, as was the animation style, nailing little touches like Napoleon's slumped posture as he runs. I'm disappointed this one didn't get renewed.

Once Upon A Time, ABC

Episodes Watched: 22 of 22

Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: The Disney version of fairy tales
Comments: And I often mean that literally. Not only is OUAT much lighter, more fun, and more family-friendly than the similarly-themed Grimm, but they also use whatever version of the character fits best with the show, whether it's from the original source, the Disney movie version, or something else. And they cram all the fairy tale narratives into one community in a way that Shrek never even attempted. But it mostly works, and aside from the annoying little boy, nearly all of the characters are interesting and many are likeable. Plus, there's a number of crossovers (actors, Apollo bars, etc.) with Lost, one of my all-time favorite shows.

And my favorite new TV show of the 2011-2012 season...

New Girl, FOX

Episodes Watched: 24 of 24

Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: Quirky girls (and quirky guys too!)
Comments: My love for Zooey Deschanel was born after seeing Elf and solidified after The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I knew I would be watching this show to see her, even if it was awful. Thankfully, it was actually really entertaining. It actually only took a few episodes for Zooey's Jess to drop anywhere from the second to the fifth most interesting main character, depending on the episode. Her male roommates (especially Schmidt) steal the show every time. They could literally have a different "new girl" move in every season, and I'd keep watching. (But I still love Zooey.)

That's it! Finally done. If you read all the way to the end of any of these posts, let alone all four, then you like TV almost as much as me. And I thank you.

2011-2012 New Show Reviews, Part III

Back with more reviews of the 2011-2012 TV shows I watched at least one episode of! Use these as your guide when scouring Netflix or Amazon for a new thing to get into.

This is part 3 (part 1 is here, part 2 here). In case it hasn't been clear, I'm only reviewing shows that debuted between August 2011 and August 2012--this doesn't include all the "veteran" shows that I watch. Yes, I watch a lot of TV. But as these posts show, I do it at least in part as a public service to my readers. Plus, I still exercise at least some self-control--check out this list of 2011-2012 shows I was willing to give the old one-episode tryout, but chose not to:

GCB, Man Up!, Revenge, Scandal, Suburgatory, Work It (ABC); Bunheads (ABC Family); 2 Broke Girls, How To Be A Gentleman (CBS); Ringer (The CW); Anger Management (FX); Girls, Life's Too Short, Veep (HBO); Are You There, Chelsea?, Awake, Bent, Best Friends Forever (NBC); Homeland (Showtime); Men At Work (TBS); Dallas (TNT)

See? I'm a model of restraint. (I also don't want to pay for premium cable channels.) Anyway, let's get on with the reviews! I'm still listing them in ascending order of quality, which means that by the end of this installment we'll finally reach some shows that were semi-decent.

Duets, ABC

Episodes Watched: 9 of 9
Status for 2012-2013: Don't know (though it's still featured on ABC's website)
For those who like: Singing competitions but don't like watching the auditions; incomprehensible scoring systems
Comments: I shouldn't really say I "watched" all 9 episodes; I mostly just had it on as background noise while I was working. But even if I was giving it my undivided attention, I still don't think the way the first few rounds of eliminations would've made any sense. The highlight of the short season was definitely learning that Robin Thicke sounds just like his daddy.

Grimm, NBC

Episodes Watched: 6 of 22
Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: The non-Disney versions of fairy tales
Comments: This show lives up to its name. It's much more dark and violent than the other new fairy tale-themed show, Once Upon A Time (which I'll cover in Part 4), and therefore much less to my liking. I also didn't find the lead actor very likable, or very convincing as a hero. This is either the best bad show or the worst decent show in these rankings, I can't decide.

Person of Interest, CBS

Episodes Watched: 1 of 23
Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season
For those who like: Superhero franchise mashups
Comments: This show is kind of like "Batman meets Bourne," except in this case it's the Alfred-type who has all the money. It's a much more exciting version of Touch (people with special, unexplained powers, 9/11 connections, etc.). The premise was at least somewhat intriguing, but the presence of Michael Emerson (Ben Linus from Lost) ensured I'd be checking it out. (The other star is Jim Caviezel, which added another level to the strangely long list of connections between Lost and the movie Frequencey. May have to blog about that someday.) If this had been on any other network, I probably would've watched the whole season. But CBS doesn't put their shows on Hulu, and they make watching anything on their own website a major chore (ultra-long commercials, frequent streaming interruptions, etc.). As a result, the only things I watch on CBS are Survivor and March Madness, even though they air several shows I'm pretty sure I'd like (including Person of Interest).

Pan Am, ABC

Episodes Watched: 4 of 14
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Aviation and sexism
Comments: Like Playboy Club, Pan Am tried to capitalize on the nostalgic popularity of shows like Mad Men, while seemingly overlooking the fact that setting a show in the '60s doesn't automatically mean your show will have good writing or acting. Still, Pan Am was a much better and more interesting show than Playboy Club (I work in the airline industry, so it's quite possible I'm a little biased in favor of Pan Am), and I hope to see the rest of the episodes at some point.

Missing, ABC

Episodes Watched: 3 of 10
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: James Bond, but wish he was an American housewife
Comments: Ashley Judd looks amazing, even when she's trying to look "normal," whether in this show (where she attempts to realistically portray a mother of a college-age son) or in real life. But the plotting and action sequences in this show are ridiculously unrealistic. There are several scenes in the handful of episodes I watched that make some of the more outlandish moments of 24 seem plausible. As I'm typing these comments, I'm realizing I probably ranked Missing too high. But I'm not going to change it now.

Terra Nova, FOX

Episodes Watched: 1 of 11
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Dystopian dinosaur adventures
Comments: I didn't think the pilot was as bad as the reviewers were saying, or as the commercials made it seem like it would be. The special effects were good. That said, it clearly wasn't good enough to keep me watching.

Up All Night, NBC

Episodes Watched: 8 of 24
Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for second season (just 13 episodes)
For those who like: Mad About You
Comments: It's sad that a cast featuring hilarious people that I've loved in past shows (especially Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph) is so bland. It's a fine show, but there's absolutely nothing remarkable or memorable about it. Up All Night would've probably been a huge hit with audiences and critics in the '80s or '90s, but I expect more humor and creativity from my sitcoms in 2012.

Check back soon for the final installment, including my favorite new show of the season!

Be of good cheer

I'm a big sports fan. Have been since before I even understood most of the rules of the sports I watched. I follow pro basketball, baseball, and football pretty closely and have a favorite team in each league (plus a secondary team or two that I cheer for).

But my ultimate sports devotion is to BYU. I probably like college basketball more than college football, but since there are so few football games each one has more importance than a typical basketball game. The fact that there's just one game a week, usually on the weekend, makes each football game more of a must-see event. As a result, the most important sporting event of the year for me is the BYU-Utah football game.

This year's iteration of the Holy War takes place later tonight. The rivalry has lost a little of its luster, now that the teams aren't in the same conference, and after next year they may not play again for a while. Also, as I get older, my interest in sports hasn't waned but my passion has cooled off a bit. The drubbing BYU took last year probably didn't help things either.

All that being said...I'm still really excited for the game tonight. And I'll probably be pretty worked up (in a good way or a bad way, depending on the outcome) for at least a week after it's over.

I find following sports to be a great source of entertainment, but its clear that fan behavior can sometimes get out of control (which shouldn't be too surprising, since the word is derived from fanatic). Elder Holland said as much in his CES Fireside last Sunday, citing the poor treatment Daniel Bobik received from BYU fans when he returned to play them after transferring Oklahoma St. (Elder Holland didn't mention specific names, but he was definitely talking about Bobik.)

As Elder Holland spoke, a wave of guilt rushed over me. I was at the game in question, and while I didn't boo Bobik (the only athlete I will ever boo just because he left a team I like is Derek Fisher), Elder Holland's words reminded me of the shame I felt that day due to my peers' actions. They also reminded me of times when I exhibited poor fan behavior. Most of these times were back at Murray High School, the worst being the jeers I joined in showering upon our rivals at East High after some students there tried to form a Gay/Straight Alliance. Perhaps as a sort of karmic payback, everyone associates High School Musical with East, not realizing that part of the movie was shot at MHS.

When a prophet calls the wicked to repentance, you expect most of the people to ignore or deride (or worse) the counsel given. But when a prophet calls the "good guys" to repentance (in this case, fans of the so-called "lord's university"), there are two possible outcomes: the people humble themselves and repent, or they remain prideful and they don't. I hope that I and many others will heed the directive to avoid "checking our religion at the door" when it comes to sports fandom, including tonight's big football game.

This week in Sunday School, we read about a similar scenario--the Nephites had always been "the good guys," but they had gradually turned away from God until it became necessary for the Lord to send Samuel, a prophet from the hated Lamanites, to call them to repentance. This was Bobik's return taken to the extreme--rather than just boo Samuel, the Nephites tried to kill him. Fortunately, the aim of the Nephite Archery Corps (go here, then play the "NAC" clip--trust me, you WANT to do this) was about as accurate as a Jake Heaps pass.

There's only a few hours left to read these chapters before kickoff, so you'd better get on it. I know reading the Book of Mormon regularly will help us avoid checking our religion at the door.

2011-2012 New Show Reviews, Part II

Here's the second of what will be at least three installments of my reviews of all shows that debuted during the 2011-2012 television season that I watched at least one episode of.

Part I covered the new cable shows I tried out. Click here to read it.

Now, on to the new shows from the big four broadcasting networks. (I don't count The CW; I usually forget it even exists, and I don't think I've watched a new show on that network since The Search For the Next Doll.) (Yes, I watched that show. I watch a lot of TV. And Melissa Smith was robbed.)

As with Part I, I'll start with the worst show I watched and work my way up the list. Here we go.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter, FOX

Episodes Watched: 5 of 7
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Southern accents, regardless of how inane the words are that are spoken with said accent
Comments: I seem to have already blocked out what makes this show awful. I don't really have anything to say about it. Just don't bother watching it.

Free Agents, NBC

Episodes Watched: 4 of 8 (only 4 were broadcast, but the others were made available online)
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Herman's Head
Comments: Like Herman's Head, Agents is a show featuring Hank Azaria (who does Apu, Moe, Wiggum, and dozens of other voices on The Simpsons) about a bunch of single coworkers who are obsessed with sex. Unlike the underrated Head, Free Agents doesn't have a single likeable character, and the jokes are pretty weak too.

Charlie's Angels, ABC

Episodes Watched: 1 of 8 (only 7 episodes were broadcast)
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Female spy shows, but think VIP was a better take on the genre than the original Angels
Comments: I have never watched Friday Night Lights (clearly, I'm too busy watching inferior shows), so while I had seen Minka Kelly before, and liked what I saw, I had never heard her speak. I should've quit while I was ahead, and left this show as unseen as the titular Charlie.

Allen Gregory, FOX

Episodes Watched: 7 of 7
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Family Guy, but wish it was less funny and more mean-spirited
Comments: The less said about this Jonah Hill-produced animated stinker the better. Let's move along.

Whitney, NBC

Episodes Watched: 7 of 22
Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for a second season
For those who like: Sitcoms about three young, hip guys and three young, hip women who are friends, regardless if the show is funny or not
Comments: I enjoy the standup of the two leads, but they're not funny on this show. The lack of humor is exacerbated by the incessant laugh track. I don't watch the CBS sitcoms, so I'm unused to laugh tracks (besides Seinfeld reruns, but my brain seems to know it's an old show so it seems appropriate to have the background LOLs); it was jarring to hear, especially since nearly all the jokes fell flat.

Touch, FOX

Episodes Watched: 3 of 13
Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for a second season
For those who like: Rain Man; in fact, they like it so much they wish someone made a humorless prequel
Comments: It's bad enough that this show is boring. But it also made Jack Bauer into a powerless figure, and I won't stand for that.

Playboy Club, NBC

Episodes Watched: 3 of 3
Status for 2012-2013: Canceled
For those who like: Mad Men, but get distracted by things like good acting and interesting storylines
Comments: Yeah, I watched this show. The word "Playboy" gave this show an undeserved stigma (well, maybe semi-deserved), but it shouldn't have been as controversial as it was. KSL, Utah's NBC affiliate refused to air it, even though it's not any more immoral then sitcoms like Whitney or any more violent than shows like Law & Order, which KSL has aired without any problems. Not that Playboy Club is a family-friendly show by any stretch (I watch a lot of shows that are at least a little "inappropriate," but that's a topic for another day)--it's just not any more family-unfriendly than many other shows, and I think it's a bit hypocritical to ban it.

That being said, the show itself wasn't very good. They definitely tried to recreate the cool nostalgia of Mad Men, but the characters and plots just weren't interesting. Despite its short run, it was still able to produce the second-most cringeworthy line of the 2011-2012 TV season: Hugh Hefner's original PC was in Chicago, and that's where the show is set. Only club members with keys were granted access. In one episode, a character says they got into the club by borrowing a key from Abe Vroman. Yes, THAT Abe Froman from Chicago. Blech.

Last Man Standing, ABC

Episodes Watched: 2 of 24
Status for 2012-2013: Renewed for a second season
For those who like: Home Improvement (duh)
Comments: And the most cringeworthy line of the season? In the opening scene of the Last Man Standing pilot, Tim Allen walks in the door and shouts "I'm back!" His character had just come back from a long work trip, but the implication was obvious--Tim Allen had returned to conquer TV again! So annoying. It tainted my view of the show (which is quite accurately described as Home Improvement but with daughters instead of sons, and no Wilson) so much that I never went back to it after the first day (when they aired back-to-back episodes). Which is a shame, because I always like Nancy Travis.

That's good for now. Back soon for Part III!